I can't believe that I had gotten myself into such a horrible situation. My actions have caused my life to turn into pure hell.
I'm a forty-nine old married mother of three. How could I have possibly thought that what I was doing wasn't going to screw up everything? Yes, I cheated on my husband, and I got caught. My husband was horribly hurt, but his reaction wasn't what you would have expected. It was worse.
My name is Sarah Stanton, and I married Todd when he and I graduated from college. Our youngest son Michael is in his second year at Florida State University. His brother Jeremy had graduated two years earlier from Duke University with a degree in computer science. He took a job with a medium-sized computer software company in California and was doing well. Our middle child, Linda, was married last year, and she had settled with her new husband just outside of New York City. He had landed a job on Wall Street. Since we live just outside of Atlanta, I was definitely feeling the "Empty Nest" syndrome. I guess I was also going through a midlife crisis of some sort. In any event, I made a huge mistake, and I got caught.
Todd has always been a wonderful husband and a great father. We have a good sex life, and he always treated me like a lady. I love him with all my heart. He had never ever given me any reason to question his fidelity. He owns his own computer service company that was quite successful. His company provided technical support to some reasonably large corporations in the Atlanta area. We traveled quite a bit both for pleasure and for business. Todd would always try to include me on his business trips if it was at all possible. After I started working at the library, it wasn't possible to travel with him anymore on business.
I always thought of myself as a very ordinary-looking girl. That was until Todd took notice of me. He made me feel special. I'm about five feet six in my stocking feet and weigh about a hundred and forty pounds. That is about fifteen pounds more than I weighed in college. Even though I consider myself fat, Todd continues to tell me that I am beautiful. He was always saying that he finds nothing attractive about those skinny models.
Todd has kept himself in shape over the years. He's a good-looking man but no movie star. Still, women, especially middle-aged women, are always checking him out. Sometimes, even younger women give him a long going over.
A few months back, I saw a copy of his annual physical. He actually weighs a pound less than he did in college. He's six feet one and in great shape. He goes to the gym four times a week and takes care of all the landscaping on the property. He's also very handy, fixing most of the things that break in the house. He smiles most of the time, and that smile seems to get brighter whenever he sees me. As I look back at my behavior, I can't understand what I was thinking. Of course, it was just the thrill of some other man paying attention to me and telling me how beautiful I was. The fun was also greatly enhanced by the danger. I never thought I would ever get caught. Besides, I knew that this was just a fling, and I'd end it in a few months or so.
I couldn't get past that when I looked in a mirror, all I saw was the excess weight. Even though Todd never ever said anything to me about my extra pounds, it played havoc with my self-esteem. I have tried one diet after another. Several of them, I'd lose five or ten pounds, but as soon as I stopped dieting, the weight was back. Still, I was not totally dissatisfied with myself. My face doesn't have any wrinkles to speak of, and I color my hair to hide any gray. And one thing I can say about myself with pride is that I don't have a potbelly like a lot of women my age who have had children.
Todd and I started dating in our third year of school. He had just broken up with a long-term girlfriend named Natalie Holland. She was much prettier than me at five feet nine with long blonde hair. She had a figure to die for. Her breasts were almost twice as large as mine, and she had that long-legged beauty that seemed to turn every man's head when she walked into a room.
I knew nothing about her when I first started dating Todd. The only thing he had said was that it was an emotional breakup for both of them. He also said that even though she was great fun to be with, Natalie was way too much drama for him. Todd told me they had had an argument because she wanted him to go with her on a weekend ski trip. He tried to explain to her that he had a paper he had to get finished as it would be ninety percent of his grade. Natalie went anyway and shared a room with a former boyfriend. Todd didn't know if she slept with her old boyfriend or not, but merely sharing the room was too much. He broke up with her.
As we continued to date, it became evident to me that Natalie wasn't over Todd. Often, she seemed to show up at the same restaurants or theater shows. She couldn't have been more explicit about her intentions to win back Todd if she had ripped her clothes off and pulled him down on top of her. I was pea-eyed jealous, and I quickly came to despise her. She, in turn, hated me. Todd would continue to tell me that I was a thousand times better than Natalie. Somehow, deep down, I guess I didn't really believe it. I was terrified that he would suddenly wake up one day and realize that Natalie was so much prettier than me, and I'd get dumped.
Natalie's pursuit of Todd continued right up until and after the day we were married. This was even after Todd had gotten angry with her and told Natalie in no uncertain terms to leave us alone. That he was never going back to her. Even then, she continued to try.
About a year after we were married, I saw in the paper that Natalie had gotten married to some guy from a very prominent family in the Atlanta area. Their marriage made the society pages, and from what I read, he was from a very wealthy family. Anyway, after that, we never heard of or saw Natalie again. Somehow, knowing that Natalie was married made me feel truly secure in my marriage.
About a month after Michael went back to Florida State for his second year, I was feeling down and lonely. Todd was away on a business trip that I didn't go with him because it was only for two days, with meetings scheduled almost every minute. Also, Todd's business was expanding, and he was struggling to find the people he needed to fill the new positions. This meant that he was working long hours and some weekends. I was getting really depressed.
Then one morning, as I read the paper, I noticed that the local library was looking for volunteers. I had been an English major in college and loved going to the library. That was one of the unique things I did with all three of my kids. We went to the library frequently. Sometimes, I would pack a lunch for us all and head to the local branch. We'd check out books and then go to the park across the street. We'd eat our lunches and read. All three of my kids developed a love of reading, which I'm sure helped make them successful in school.
I was nervous when I arrived at the library. I hadn't worked since our first child was born. I was filled with insecurity and was sure they wouldn't want me as a volunteer. To my surprise, Emily Broome was still the librarian. I knew her from my many visits, and she readily welcomed me as a member of her volunteer staff. Emily put me to work with George Mills, a twenty-three-year-old graduate student, working on his doctorate degree in library science. I rue the day that we were paired up.
George reminded me a little of Todd when he was younger. He was a good-looking young man. Not as handsome as Todd but still attractive. George, however, did have a gentlemanly way about himself and a kind smile. He was about ten or so pounds overweight. George also wasn't in near as good of shape as Todd, which somehow put me much more at ease with him. He also treated me like a princess.
Todd was thrilled when he learned that I was volunteering, and he was very supportive. I guess I gravitated to George because the other two student volunteers weren't serious about what they were doing. It was just part of a class assignment. George also knew I was struggling with all the kids being gone, and he was very sympathetic. He was always complimenting me, which made it a pleasure to work with him. I never complained if they asked me to fill-in for extra days. However, I wish, with all my heart, that I had never agreed to work the additional nights. This came about because the Flu epidemic had sidelined a number of the library staff, leaving them short-handed.
It was something about working at night that seemed to set things up. It started with innocent teasing and flirting. This kept up for several weeks. Then one night, while George and I were clearing out a storage locker on the second floor, he kissed me. I was shocked by the kiss but also thrilled. I just stared at him, and he kissed me again. This time I kissed him back. We made out a little, and then it was time to go home. I felt terrible about myself and, at the same time, beautiful.
Over the next several weeks, when we were working nights, we'd sneak up to the storage locker and make out. It started out just kissing and rubbing each other. Then one night, he unbuttoned my blouse and lifted my bra off my breasts. I soaked my pants right then and there. Several nights later, he slipped his hand under my skirt and then under my panties. It felt wonderful to feel his fingers in me. I came several times. I now wanted to go all the way, but we couldn't go to his apartment because he shared it with two other guys. I told him my husband was going on a business trip in a week, and he could come over then.
A week later, Todd took off on his trip, and I snuck George into our house. I led him to the guest room. There was no way I was going to have sex with him in my marital bed. In my mind, somehow that way, I wasn't really cheating on Todd. God! What a fool I was and what a mess I've made of everything.
Our first encounter wasn't what I had hoped it would be. George wasn't an experienced lover, and I was so nervous at what we were doing. About the only thing I did right was to insist that George wear a rubber. Even though I considered myself past the age of having children, I wasn't going to take any chances. Todd had had a vasectomy after Michael had been born.
As I said, the first time wasn't all that great, but it was thrilling. We fumbled, taking each other's clothes off, and with little or no foreplay, George shoved his penis in and pumped for all he was worth. By that time, the thrill of what I was doing had made me so wet, it didn't matter. When he was done, he put his clothes back on and left.
