The Wrath of the Wiced Webcam

My love for Jocelyn was still there, it was just now haunted by the feeling I could not trust her to put her family first. No, it was more than a trust issue. I suddenly felt like I simply did not know her and she did not know me. Had she really thought I would be OK with her spreading her hairy cunt for strangers? No, I just was not supposed to ever know what she was doing, was I?

If she came in that evening I did not hear her. It wasn't until I crawled out of bed to sounds of three boisterous kids all screaming the mommy-mommy-why-are-you-sleeping-here? By the time I was on my way down stairs Jocelyn was making coffee and I noticed the blanket and pillow on the futon in the den. The kids were just happy to see their mother and disappear into the family room with their fruit loops and to fight over what cartoons to watch on TV.

Pouring myself a cup of coffee I sat at our dining room table and let my gaze fall on the pondless waterfall we had built a couple of years ago. When it was even half way nice outside we often enjoyed sitting outside, sipping coffee or wine and just listening to the gurgling water. Now I used the water fall to hold my gaze and help me concentrate.

"Bobby, I'm so sorry you . . ."

"Sorry I caught you cheating?"

"I never cheated on you!" She had convinced herself what she was doing, probably because she never saw things from my vantage, wasn't cheating. Her argument was nothing more than a matter of semantics.

"OK, say I send the DVD to you mother, sister, my brother, and Father Ho (our parish priest's name really is Father Ho) and if they agree with you I will concede you did not break your vows. Because if you even begin to argue with me that is exactly what I am going to do." I was dead serious. I would send copies of the DVD to many, many people and ask one simple question. If Jocelyn was your wife would you consider what she is doing on this CD an act of infidelity?

"You recorded me?"

"Yes. Not only did you cheat on me, with who knows how many nameless men, you also did things for them you never did for me and you made it clear I could never satisfy you!" I spit these words at her with such distaste that it made me wonder what had happened to my wife. Jocelyn would never have let me talk to her like this.

"If that is how you feel, that no one can fuck you as good as a stranger, then you need to leave now. If you choose to stay then you are probably going to be spending the rest of your life trying to convince me I do satisfy you. And then there is the issue about giving your ass, you fat hairy ass, to another man and not me. If you did not mean what you said how are you going to ever convince me?" I stopped to sip my coffee and gaze out the window. I was having a difficult time even looking at her.

"Bobby, you know it was all an act! You know that is what I had to do to get tipped, to make a little money!" It was true, even I knew this, that the more seductive and slutty you are when on a webcam the more private shows and money you make.

"Then explain why you haven't been able to smile for me these last few weeks and can turn it on for total strangers. Explain why you have repeatedly turned me down when I approached you for sex, a kiss good night or a morning hug-hello. Explain why you have completely pushed me away from you . . . . No, don't explain anything! If I had been doing what you have I would be feeling cheap, dirty and guilty. I'd come home feeling like a streetwalker and be constantly worried I'd seen you or one of our friends had seen you." The thought some of our mutual friends might have also seen her sent chills up the back of my neck, especially when I thought about the fact it was a friend who suggested I visit the webcam for a little relief!

"Oh, God Bobby I never meant to hurt anyone, never! I was only thinking about how I was helping my family and . . ."

"Stop it Jocelyn! Stop it right now! It was a friend who suggested I visit the webcam to begin with! If what you are saying is true you would never have thought about saying anything disrespectful about me for potentially millions of people to hear! You crossed the line Jocelyn and I want you out of this house today. Go someplace and butt-fuck one of your webcam buddies, but you need to be out of this house today and away from our children."

"Bobby, I made a big mistake and I am sorry. I can't leave you or the kids, I just can't! It would kill me, it would just kill me." A part of me wanted to console her but I was too full of my own pain and anger to comfort anyone.

"Too late Jocelyn. I saw way too much. Besides, have you looked in the mirror this morning? Do you remember how much paint you had on last night? Do you know your children have already seen your mascara streaked face and ratty looking hair? And you say you never meant to hurt anyone? That you never broke your vows? Go look in the mirror then ask me for a little sympathy."

I turned to continue my waterfall-gaze finding it difficult to look at Jocelyn. "Jocelyn you need to leave and figure out what is important to you and why. When you have done this then come see me. I will hold off on starting divorce proceedings until then." I wasn't trying to be fair I just didn't want to make such a decision (to divorce Jocelyn) when I was hurt and angry.

Jocelyn made a feeble attempt to come to me, to hug me, to fall at my feet and plead. I was only praying she really was beginning to understand how serious the situation was for her and for those who loved her.

"Bobby, please, please believe me, I never meant to hurt you or the kids. What do I have to do to convince you? Please, at least tell me what I need to do to make you believe me. Then I'll go." I believed our financial situation had pushed her to bare her herself in a most degrading and slutty way. I wasn't sure I could bear any public humiliation, especially if anyone we knew sat before their home computer, watching my wife masturbate and degrade the man she called her husband. I think this was what was eating at me the most.

"OK Jocelyn, three things need to happen before we can even talk." I scratched my face thoughtfully realizing I needed a shave.

"Yes, anything?" Anything may mean doing something that is not at all possible or that, even when completed, will not be accepted as enough.

"First, you need to bring me proof you have not contracted a disease you could pass on to me."

"Bobby, I told you I never physically cheated on you! You have to believe me!" She was crying as she spoke and the new tears seemed to compound her facial makeup disaster. Jocelyn really looked horrible. I did not respond to her statement.

"Second, you will need to find a way to convince me you have not been fucking other men that you have not already given your ass to someone else. Because right now I do believe there is no way you could perform the way you were without satisfying your carnal needs off screen." Carnal needs? No one talks about fucking as a carnal need so I don't know where this came from, but then I was still trying to control my own emotional pain.

Jocelyn pulled herself off of the kitchen floor and sat in the chair next to me. I think she was beginning to understand my resolve would not let her wiggle out of this with tears, begging and promises.

I also had no idea if Jocelyn could prove to me she had remained physically faithful. In my mind there really was no way for Jocelyn to make things right at least not in my lifetime.

"Third, you will need to figure out how to erase the ugly image I have in my mind, and from the DVD, of a woman baring herself in such a way that I could not imagine my children coming from the same place. Right now I have no desire to even touch you, let alone hold you or kiss you. Before yesterday holding you, kissing you, and making love to you was on my mind for the last, oh, at least 18 years or so. You will need to figure out how to fix the utter revulsion I feel when I see you and Jocelyn I am skeptical you can do this." Seeing Jocelyn like this, seemingly broken and ever so degraded, broke my heart. I saw no other way to proceed. Even if she did get her act together I did not believe we could salvage our marriage. For certain our lives would never be the same.

"How long do I have to make this up to you, to convince you I love you and our children more than anything?" How long? I had not thought about a time frame. I was also being careful not to say I would welcome Jocelyn back if she could accomplish these three tasks.

"The only thing I will promise is not to start divorce proceedings until you have returned to address my concerns. Keep in mind Jocelyn when you do return you will only have one opportunity." I looked into her painted eyes that continued to plead and shed tears. For the first time in our marriage I was not responding with open arms and the loving comfort due from her husband.

Three hours later Jocelyn had packed her car, showered, and removed all leftover makeup. She looked clean but had developed a sadness that you could see in slumped shoulders, her pursed lips and with her difficulty in looking me in the eye. Her self-respect and pride had been lost to the wicked webcam.

Her saying goodbye to our children was very difficult for Jocelyn. The kids seemed to understand what was happening and did not do any of the "mommy, mommy, please don't leave!" I could see this hurt Jocelyn even more. For the last few weeks she had forgotten about her family, which is ironic, because she had gone back to work because of her family's financial situation.

"Jocelyn, please do not hesitate to call your children, anytime, OK?" She was walking to her car as I spoke. I would not use the children as hostages to punish her further. I knew that, down deep, she loved her kids.

"Thanks Bobby, that means a lot to me. I love you Bobby . . . ." Then Jocelyn was in her car pulling out of the driveway.

I went back in the house and did not watch her drive away. It was not a time to wave or say hurry home. It was more real than any webcam and that's when I realized I would miss Jocelyn terribly.