Marc and Kay Craig were sitting on an overstuffed couch in a tastefully decorated office. They sat on opposite ends of the couch, not touching or holding hands. Neither wanted to be there but they'd flat run out of ideas and so were seeking the help of a professional counselor.
They'd barely spoken on the drive in and now they sat in strained silence as they waited for Dr. Gallegos who closed the door to the office and settled into the large chair next to the sofa where they were sitting.
At one time, Marc and Kay had been inseparable. They'd been married for 16 years and for most of that time had been very happy. That is until Kay was diagnosed with a condition requiring a specific medication. Unfortunately, the same miracle drug that helped return her health had completely stripped her of her libido. While they still loved each other, It had been nearly fourteen months since they had enjoyed each other sexually.
Dr. Gallegos picked up her pad and pen, took a deep breath to help focus her attention and as she slowly exhaled she looked at the couple sitting on the couch just to the right of her. She noted that both were attractive. They appeared to be in their early forties and in reasonably good shape. The woman looked to be five foot seven and the man just shy of six feet. The woman's hair was dark brunette with some reddish highlights and tumbled just off her shoulders in loose waves. She had an attractive face with hazel eyes and full lips. The man had a trim physique, salt and pepper hair in a business cut and wore a well groomed goatee. He had kind looking brown eyes framed by laugh-lines.
After getting a sense of their physicality and noting the distance between them on the couch, the Dr. asked, "So, tell me what brings you to my office?"
Kay and Marc looked at each other for a moment and Marc finally blurted out a little too loudly "Kay doesn't want to have sex with me anymore and I can't live like this much longer!"
Kay's eyes welled up with tears and said, "It's not that I don't want to have sex with you, it's just that I don't want sex at all - with anyone."
"Not even your husband?" Marc replied.
Dr. Gallegos interjected, "Ok, hold up for a second. Ground rules for talking through issues are often helpful. You're each allowed to state facts and of course talk about how you feel, but you're not allowed to assume how each other feel or assume intent. Do you understand the difference?"
She got nods from both and then added, "Good. Do you both agree to the rules? It will really help if we can stick to them."
Again, she got nods from both. "Ok, so when did this all start?" she asked.
This time Kay spoke up. "It's been almost two years since I started feeling this way, but it's really gotten worse in the last 18 months. It all started when I started taking a prescription for a condition I have. The medicine works and keeps me healthy, but it's completely killed my sex drive. Marc thinks I'm not in love or attracted to him."
"Ah, ah, ah." Dr. Gallegos interrupted wagging a finger at Kay. "Remember the rules - no assuming what Marc thinks."
Marc jumped in and said "No it's fair. I've told her that on multiple occasions. I know she says it's the medication and that she has no sex drive at all, but it's really hard not to take it personally when you're the one that's constantly being turned down. I know Kay loves me, but at this point I don't think she likes me or even finds me attractive."
Kay replied, "But that's not it! It's the medicine's fault I swear! I want to feel like I used to, but I just can't make something be there that's not." With that, the tears began to stream down Kay's cheeks in thin black rivulets of water, salt, and mascara.
The Dr. handed Kay a few tissues and paused while the tears slowly came to halt for the moment.
As their session wore on and they covered the same territory over and over, it was clear to the Dr. that they did still have a love for one another but that they were having a hard time getting a deep understanding of each other's viewpoint. At one point, Marc had said, "I feel so lonely. I love Kay and I want to be with her, but I feel isolated, unwanted, and I don't think I can live like this any longer. I have needs and while I don't mean to be insensitive, damn it, I need to feel a woman's touch!"
"Ok." said Dr. Gallegos. "I can see that you two really do love each other and want to work through this. I can't tell you I can make Kay's libido return, but what we can work on as a start is for each of you to understand that your current situation is not isolated to just you. Others also deal with these issues and having the freedom to discuss them with people that can empathize with you can be liberating.. To do that, I want you each to attend separate support group meetings."
In unison, Kay and Marc rolled their eyes at the Doctor.
"I know, I know, most people think that support meetings are rubbish and that nothing will be solved through them, but I want you to attend one each before our next session. You may get an appreciation for what you're up against, but more than anything, you'll be able to talk with others in your situation and get some empathy."
The doctor. then wrote down the location and times of two meetings - one for people with no libido and one for those with partners that have no libido. She handed one to Marc and one to Kay. She then set an appointment for two weeks out and sent them on their way
Marc's meeting was the next day. He really didn't want to go, but was intent on keeping his promise. At the meeting were people - men and women - just like him whose partners just had no desire whatsoever. Some had the entered the relationship knowing that and some had developed that way over time. There seemed to be a myriad of causes, but the one thing in common was the misery that had ensued over time.He listened to several people tell of their situations, how they tried to cope and in many cases the guilt over wanting to leave the partners they loved just so they could have a normal sex life again. On the one hand he felt some better knowing that he wasn't the only unwanted person in the world, but on the other hand, he didn't hear a solution to his and Kay's problem. He left the meeting feeling like he'd just wasted ninety minutes of his life.
Kay's meeting was the next day and like Marc she would have rather been nearly anywhere else, but she went with the hope of hearing about some medicine, hypnosis technique or frankly anything that would help get her sex drive back. She found a seat near a small group of women and sat quietly while waiting for the meeting to start. She couldn't make out the conversations the three women nearest to her were having, but she caught enough to know they were complaining about their husbands.
Soon, the meeting began and the first speaker started talking about how it had been over five years since he and his wife had made love. He droned on for a while - sounding a lot like Marc when he would complain about their situation - when all of a sudden she heard him proclaim that if she couldn't stand to make love to him he was going to get a mistress. That's the precise moment Kay realized she was at the wrong meeting and the room was full of partners that were being spurned and not those like her that had lost interest.
