02

Chapter 1

Frenchtown, New Jersey, 1970

I

The scattered sunlight on my veranda crept down the walls and when a bunch of small children with cute little bags on their shoulders, passed on the throughway downstairs, I suddenly realized the time.

I have been standing here, on my balcony, for an hour and Shaun still hasn't arrived. Annoyed I enter the room. Books are scattered on the table - kept in the corner, some open, some closed. For a moment, I stare at them, then open the wardrobe with a purposeless look. I take a cursory glance at my scattered clothes. I could have at least ironed these out instead of wasting an hour waiting for him. But I don't seem like doing it and close the door.

'Why he made me wait if he didn't want to come? And it's not just today. He always does this. Always comes late by an hour or two. And I start waiting from the get go; cannot concentrate on any other work even if I try a million times. Why doesn't he understand that my time is too precious? I should be devoting all my time to studies - to complete my thesis.'

'But how can I explain this to him?'

Sitting at the table, I start taking the initiative to read again, but I do not feel like it. At the slightest noises of engine outside and movements of the screen on my door, my heartbeat increases and again and again my eyes run on the moving hands on the clock. It feels like this all the time and my nervousness turns into chagrin.

Just then, Mrs. Wilkerson's five-year-old little girl comes into the room hesitantly, "Miss, will you read me a story?"

"Not now, honey. Come back later!" I reply coldly. She runs away. Mrs. Wilkerson is one of a kind. For months, she won't ask about me or my life; but sometimes she sends the girl to eat my head. Still, Mr. Wilkerson asks for my wellbeing once a week, but he seems to be very clumsy. It's okay though; would I be able to date so freely if my landlords took a nosy interest in my life?

The same familiar footsteps. The same familiar sound. My door screen moves and so enters Shaun. I simply concentrate all my attention on the book. Shaun is standing at the door smiling, with a bunch of tuberose flowers in his hands. I look, but do not welcome with a smile. Laughing, he places the flowers on the table, presses my shoulders from behind and asks, "Am I going to have my head on my shoulder by the end of the evening?"

The whole room starts to smell like tuberoses.

"Why do I care to take your head off?" I say coldly. He turns me around by grabbing the chair, and with great caresses, raising my chin, says, "Tell me, what I could do? Was stuck among colleagues at work. I could not leave even after trying very hard. It didn't feel good to just leave and annoy everyone."

I wish to say, "You care about friends and colleagues, worry about annoying them, but not me!" But I can't say anything, looking at his face, I keep looking into his eyes -- brown, blinking eyes. The sweat drops on his porcelain forehead are shining. Had there been any other time, I would have wiped them with the hem of my sleeve, but not today. He is smiling softly, his eyes are apologizing, but what should I do?

Then as per his habit, sitting on the handle of the chair, he starts caressing my cheeks. I am angry with him about this. He always does this and then starts pampering me like a baby. He knows that my anger cannot stand before such pampering of his. Then he gets up and throws the old flowers from the vase, and plants new ones. How skillful is he at decorating flowers!

Once I had causally mentioned that I like tuberoses very much, so he made it a rule that every fourth day he brings a lot of tuberoses and puts them in my room. And now I too have formed such a habit that if there are no flowers in the room, I neither feel like reading nor sleeping. These flowers keep giving me the impression of Shaun's presence.

After a while we go for a walk. All of a sudden I am reminded of Ida's letter. The thing which I was so eager to hear since morning, how could I have forgotten it in this rage?

"Listen, Ida has written that I can get an interview call any day, I should be ready."

"Where from? New York?" asks Shaun, remembering something, and then suddenly jumps, "If you get that job, it would be so amazing, Dahila."

We are on the sidewalk. I don't like that he is happy about this. 'Does he want me to go to New York, away from him?'

Then I hear him say, "If you get this job, then I should also get myself transferred to the New York head office. My mind is so tired of the all the squeaking and politics here. How many times I thought that I should try to transfer, but your thoughts always tied me. If I move, there will be peace at work, but how deserted will my evenings be!"

The warmth in his voice touched me. All of a sudden I start to feel that the evening has become very pleasant. We go away and sit on our favorite table in our favorite cafe. Faint moonlight is scattered far and wide and the atmosphere here is not filled with smoke like in the city. He sits with his legs stretched out and tells me about his office fights for hours and then about going to New York and making plans to spend life together. I don't say anything, I just stare at him; keep looking at him.

When he falls silent, I say, "I am very scared about the interview. I don't know what they would ask! It's a first for me."

He laughs gleefully.

"You are a weird one! You are here, miles away from home, living alone, doing your post grad research, traveling around the world but still getting scared to face an interview. Why?" and gives a slight pat on my cheek. Then he says while explaining, "And look, nowadays these interviews are all just a pretense. Try to make an internal influence by people you know there."

"But New York is a completely new place for me. I don't even know anyone there except Ida. Now, if she knows anyone inside, that's another matter", I say helplessly.

"Aren't you forgetting someone else?" looking at my face, he asks, "Isn't Nathan also there?"

A momentary pause...

"Well, what do I have to do with him?" I answer immediately in awe. I don't know why, I had a feeling that he would ask me this very thing.

"Nothing to do?" he says in a teasing tone. And I panic, "Look Shaun, I've told you a thousand times, don't make fun of me about that! I don't like jokes like this at all!" He laughs gleefully, but my mood only gets spoilt. We return. He places his hand on my shoulder with the intention of making me happy. I shudder and remove his hand.

Inside the room, I ask him to sit; but he does not sit; He just hides my torso under his arms and kisses me. This has also become his daily rule.

Off he goes. I go out on the balcony and keep watching him. As his receding figure gets smaller, he disappears at the turn of the road. I keep looking over there - aimlessly - lost -- lost in unintelligible thoughts. I come back and sit down to read.

When I sleep at night, my eyes keep looking at the white petals and faint green stems of the tuberoses on the table till late. Don't know why, I often get the feeling that these are not flowers, but Shaun's many eyes, which are looking at me, caressing, pampering me. And I blush to imagine myself constantly being looked at with so many eyes.

I had told this to Shaun also once, he laughed a lot and then while caressing my cheeks he said that I am crazy, I am a fool! Who knows, maybe he is right to say, maybe I am crazy!

II

I know Shaun's mind gets apprehensive about Nathan every now and then; but how can I make him believe that I hate Nathan, the mere memory of him fills my heart with hatred. Besides, that teenage angst and attraction cannot actually be called 'love'. It has passion but no permanence, momentum but no depth. The velocity with which it starts, with the slightest blow, it breaks with the same speed. And then a round of tears...tears and sobs, the vainness of the whole world and the many resolutions to commit suicide, and then a raging hatred.

That's why I forgot Nathan as soon as I found Shaun. My tears turned to laughter and my reverberating sighs turned to breath of happiness. But Shaun, every now and then, gets upset about Nathan in vain. He laughs when Nathan is referred to; but I know how he feels. He is not sure about my love for him.

How can I tell Shaun that he is the only center of my love, my tender feelings, and my many plans for the future? It is another matter that on a romantic moonlit night, in a deserted place, even sitting under a tree, I talk about my thesis or he talks about his office, about friends, or we start talking about some other subject, but all this - it doesn't mean that we are not in love. Why doesn't he understand that today our sentimentality has turned into fidelity, instead of dreams we live in reality! Our love has attained maturity, on the basis of which it has become deeper. It has become permanent.

But how should I explain all this to Shaun? How can I explain to him that Nathan has insulted me - an insult, due to which I am still stunned. Before breaking off the relationship, had Nathan told me even once of what crime I had committed for which he treated me so harshly? I had to drink the poison of reproach, scorn, ridicule and pity of the whole world. That uncouth, deceitful jerk!

And Shaun thinks that even today I have a soft spot for him! I hate him! And to be honest, I consider myself lucky that I have been saved from being caught in the clutches of a person for whom love is just a play.

Oh my Shaun! Think that if I had any feeling for Nathan, would I have surrendered my heart and body before you - in front of your every right and wrong effort? Would I have allowed myself to be scattered in your kisses and embraces? You know, before marriage, no girl gives anyone these rights. But I did. Isn't it just because I love you, I love you so much? Trust me Shaun, your love is the only truth. Nathan's love was only deceit, it was an illusion...it was a lie.

III

The day after tomorrow I have to go to New York. To be honest, I am scared. How will it go? Suppose I got very nervous in the interview, what will happen then? I asked Shaun to go along with me; but he cannot leave his work. New city, new people and on top of that the interview! If you have someone with you at such times, it feels like a good support. Just because I live alone, far off from home, doing my post grad thesis, Shaun thinks I am independent and courageous, but the truth is I am scared. Really scared!

Time and again I assume that I have got the job and have started living there with Shaun. What a beautiful fantasy, how intoxicating! But the fear of interview shatters this intoxicating dream web.

I wish Shaun could come with me somehow!

Chapter 2

New York

I

When the train enters the platform of Grand Central Terminal, my mind fills with strange apprehension, strange fear. I look far and wide through the window. I try to look for Ida among the countless men and women standing on the platform. She is nowhere to be seen. I get off the train. Seeing that crowd, my panic only increases. Then at the touch of someone's hand, I am terribly shocked. Looking back I see Ida is standing before me.

Wiping the sweat from my face with a handkerchief, I say, "Oh! I could not see you, I was worried how I would reach your house."

Coming out of the station, we sit in a taxi. I haven't been able to get a hold of my fear till now. As the taxi reaches the GW Bridge, the cool breeze touching the waters of the Hudson fills my body and mind with a freshness. Ida tells me the characteristics of this bridge and I look at it in amazement, I see the vast expanse of Hudson, small boats running on its surface. At this moment, I see the river as a mother nurturing its small children...the boats...on its chest.

After that our taxi stops on very crowded roads. The tall buildings and the intimidating skyline gives an impression of some strange grandeur, and in the midst of all this, I feel very lost. What is our small Frenchtown compared to this grand city! I have never seen a very big city till today! Ripping through the maze of traffic, our car speeds off into the distance toward Wellington Road.

"Say, Ida, who will be in the interview? I am feeling very scared."

"Hey, everything will be fine! It's okay to be scared. Don't let it control you though. You have built an entire career from scratch. Don't forget how strong you are." Then she pauses for a while and says, "Well, how is your brother and his wife?

"They visited me once. Sometimes they just write letters."

"Well, aren't those two wonderful? Forgot who let them have the house?"

I don't like my family affairs at all. I do not want anyone to talk on this subject so I remain silent.

II

Ida has a small house, beautifully decorated. At first I was sorry to hear that her husband was out of town; if he were present, he would have helped with the interview. But then suddenly I felt that in his absence I might feel more free. Their baby is also very cute.

In the evening, Ida takes me to the coffee-house. And who do I see there but my ex heart-breaker. Nathan is sitting two tables away. I shudder and roll my eyes. But he comes to our table. Being compelled, I have to look into his direction, I also have to say hello; Ida also has to be introduced. Ida invites him to sit on the nearby chair. I think my breath will stop.

"When did you come?"

"This morning."

"Will you stay for long? Where are you staying?"

Ida answers for me. I see Nathan has changed a lot. He has grown his dark, raven hair like a poet. What is this new hobby? He has lost his color. He has become very thin too.

There is no special conversation and we get up. Ida was worried about the baby, and I myself was in a hurry to reach home. He accompanies us on foot from the coffee-house to Wellington Road. Ida is talking to him as if he is Ida's friend and not mine! Ida points to her house and he leaves promising to return at 9 o'clock next day to resume our chats.

Meeting Nathan after three years like this! Even if I don't want to admit, it's as if the whole past has been unfolded in front of my eyes. Nathan has gone very frail! It seems as if he is hiding some deep pain somewhere in the deepest recesses of his heart.

'Is it the pain of breaking up with me?'

No matter how sweet the imagination, no matter how satisfying it may be; But I know it's not the truth. If so, why did he break the relationship in the first place? He did all that out of his own wish.

Suddenly my heart becomes bitter. This is the person who humiliated me and left me in front of the whole world, just making me an object of ridicule! Oh, why didn't I refuse to recognize him? When he stood near the table, why didn't I say "Sorry, I don't recognize you?" Just look at his audacity! He will also come tomorrow. I should have told him plainly that I don't even want to see his face, I hate him!

'It's alright! Let him come tomorrow. I will tell him that soon I am going to marry Shaun, I have forgotten everything of the past and moved on. I will also tell him that I hate him and can never forgive him in this life!'

Along with all these thoughts, I also wonder, why, it has been three years, Nathan is not married yet? There was no ring on his finger.

'Does he still expect anything from me? Huh! What a fool!'

'Oh Shaun! How much did I tell you to go with me; but you didn't come. At this time when I am missing you so much, tell me, what should I do?'

III

I had no idea getting a job in my research field would prove to be such a cumbersome task. Ida says that she got to know Nathan has contacts within the firm. He has been making rounds and phone calls from morning to evening for my interview, even taking a leave of absence from his own work. Why is he taking so much interest in my work? He has introduced me to some important people and he says that he would only rest after I hear a confirmation from the firm.

Yesterday I thought that by the coldness of my behavior I would make it clear that he should not come to me now. Around nine o'clock, when I went to the window after taking my morning tea, I saw Nathan coming to Ida's house. That familiar long, raven hair. That familiar deep, dark eyes. So he arrived ahead of time! Had it been Shaun in his place, he would not have reached before eleven. That guy hasn't learned to get anywhere on time.

Seeing Nathan approaching, I lost all my bitterness and hatred of the night before. And when he came, I could not be bitter even if I wanted to. I told him the purpose of coming to New York. He seemed very happy. He asked me about the firm and the interview. Sitting there, he made two calls -- first to my firm to confirm my interview schedule and the second to his own place of work to take a leave of absence. He got all the administrative information and the list of necessary paperwork and recommendations from his contact at the firm.

I was in a dire situation. It seemed I could neither accept nor deny this familial protective behavior of his. So, I just let him help me. I traveled with him all day; but apart from talking about work, he didn't say a single thing. I wanted to tell him about Shaun, but couldn't do it; I thought, lest he should stop taking this much interest in me. I had got a lot of hope from his efforts today. 'How important this job is to me, how happy Shaun will be if I get it, how happy we will spend the initial days of our married life!'

In the evening we return home. I ask him to sit; but he doesn't sit, he just stands there in Ida's hall. Drops of sweat are shining on his broad forehead. Would it have been Shaun in his place, I would wipe off his sweat with the hem of my sleeve, and would Shaun go on like this without taking me into his loving arms first and kissing me goodbye?

"Okay, then I'll go."

Mechanically, my hands raise to say goodbye, he turns away and I keep watching his back...feeling swindled!

While sleeping, I have a habit of looking at the flowers brought by Shaun. Since those flowers are not here, it looks like a deserted place. 'Oh Shaun! What are you up to right now? It's been three days, no one has taken me into their arms and made love!'

IV

I have had my interview this morning. I was probably very nervous and couldn't answer as I should have. But Nathan came and told me that my appointment has almost been decided. I know, all this got possible because of him.

The light of the setting sun was falling on Nathan's left cheek and Nathan, sitting in front of me, after so many days, once again seemed very cute.

I notice, he is happier than I should have been. As far as I know Nathan, he never likes to take favors from anyone; but for my sake, god knows how many people he now owes a favor to. 'Why though? Does he want me to come to New York and stay with him, beside him? My body and mind tremble with a strange pulsation. Why does he want this? His wish to do so is very wrong, very unreasonable! I explain to my mind, there is no such thing, maybe he is doing all this just to atone for the pain and hurt done to me! But does he think that getting a job with his help will make me forgive him, or will I forget all he has done? Impossible! I will tell him about Shaun tomorrow.'

"Dahila, let's have a party on this happy occasion!"

This was the first sentence I heard from his mouth since our meeting other than work, weather or well-being. I looked at Ida. Even after supporting the proposal, she excused herself on the pretext of her baby's health.

I find it a bit awkward to go alone. Till now I was roaming around with him on the pretext of work, but what would it be called now? Still I can't refuse. I go inside and get ready. I remember, Nathan liked blue color very much, I wear a blue dress. I do my makeup with great interest and caution, and I interrupt myself again and again - to please whom exactly? Isn't this sheer madness?