Dear friends. It is with great trepidation that I have embarked on the third and ostensibly the last part of the toothbrush story. It has two parts. First, the 7th and the final chapter (small one) of the previous story that I am sure would bring around some more insults.
But, it couldn't be worse than what has already been said. What worries me is the appropriateness of this update and I so, have been hesitating to post. But, better be out than in.
The second part is a newer story as an epilogue to the first one and has about four chapters. I have called this part "twists in the tail". It has characters from an earlier effort of mine that I might post if you all are interested.
There would large number of passages that would be typical of the Indian culture and alien to the gentry but I would try to give explanations here and there or at the end.
The names of the characters would also appear strange and some of the relationships call too shall be unfamiliar. Some are as follows: dada (big brother); didi (elder sister); boudi (wife of elder brother); Shakuntala & Dushyant are two romantic mythological characters who were separated by fate and were reunited at the end. The first paragraph of the "twist in the tail" deals with a Hindu mythological deity who is all-powerful and also benevolent. He roams around in dark places with two of his bulls (real ones!!).
Chapter-7: The Old Toothbrush
It has been 3 months now that I had returned to Delhi. Life was brilliant, rather it was dazzling. I had no problems, no qualms, nothing. I had one person less to think about, one less to care; super. As dazzling, as the sky on a rainy night; as brilliant, as my dimly lit mind.
What did I do? Why?
The road to the airport had passed in a blur. Only thing Pinto had said on the way, in his typical inimitable Goan style was, "Very short trip, I say?" And then he had added conspiratorially, "your girlfriend is very beautiful." I wished to shout at him, "She is not my girlfriend you silly man; she is my friend for life; she is my life." But I couldn't. With my own hands, I had destroyed the final link that held us for 20 years. I had kept quiet.
At the airport, I purchased new tickets and when the clerk asked my destination, I had blankly answered, 'Pune'. Halfway through the booking, I remembered that my end had ceased to be Pune. I had blocked it. I asked him to change it to Delhi. The clerk looked up sharply but probably realized something was amiss; he quietly modified the ticket and let me in.
My days passed in the routine. All went well, breakfast, office, lunch, back to home, everything. But, time ceased to move in the evenings. The nights were long. I restarted smoking and I was skipping dinner. Initially, Ranju tried to encourage me to go and eat but then gave up. Once in a while, we went out for dinner. She wasn't aware of anything except that I was trying to lose weight. Healthier lifestyle!
Sometimes, I felt bad for Ranju. I was neglecting her, she was just a child. But, I was going numb and tired. I had no one to share my pain.
The more I tried to forget Suhasini; her memories held me that much fiercely. She pervaded my senses, my entire being each day and each night. I could not get rid of her. I tried everything.
Her tear-filled eyes and her silent prayer for me not to leave remained etched in my mind. I saw my Suhas pleading, my old Suhas.
I thought about it a lot. My logical mind asserted that I had no other option but my heart rebuked me each day for being cruel, insensitive, a monster. And the more I thought about Suhasini, the more I was drowning in the quicksand of remorse.
She had turned me out, no doubt, but it was her inner strength that had prompted her to do. To first set her own-self in order and it was not an easy task. She went to some extreme end to win back her husband, her closest friend. She converted herself, made her attractive beyond imagination to woo me. Only for me!
She narrated her side of the story in complete honesty, without fear and with full faith that I will understand. Did I understand? Sorry! No! Did it take intense courage to say such intimate things and accept her mistakes? The answer is yes.
Did it take courage to plead for pardon repeatedly even at the cost of self-esteem? Again the answer need not be told! Why did she do that? Because she had that immense trust in me! That I would understand.
How did I reciprocate all this? By leaving her in a most unforgivable way and not contacting her again for three months. In the end, I ended up punishing her so severely that there was no redemption for me. In the garb of a considerate husband with great magnanimity, I showed myself an ugly face that was jealous, unforgiving, malicious and truly inhuman.
I did not have the courage or audacity to call Suhas and seek her forgiveness. I had lost that right.
Three days back, Ranju informed me that she was planning a 7 day trip to Pondicherry. I readily agreed, because she too needed a break from me. She left an hour back and I now, am all alone.
I surfed my mails aimlessly. I was opening it after 7 days. Suddenly something caught my eye. In 90 days, that was the most precious mail of all. Suhasini has written, "Heard that you are not eating well. Don't do that. Look after yourself. Because of me, you are suffering so much. I can never forgive myself. I cannot even comfort you. Every time, the bell rings, I rush, thinking it's you. Foolish of me; I have lost all rights. Don't worry about me. I will be alright. Suhas."
The night passed. I read and re-read that mail a hundred times till it was time for me to go to the office. I went straight to my boss.
They adjusted me on the 12 pm flight to Pune and I was on my way. To make amends, if luck permitted. I had a very vague memory of the journey. Standing in front of the door, my hands and feet were laden.
I rang the bell. The door opened and I saw one female form wrecked by life. Only a shadow remained of her previous self. Hairs disheveled; stains under the eyes, deathly pale. That was my Suhas alright. I had managed to convert her to this state.
Waiting for me to come back; was I too late? A strained smile crossed her face. She said with a bit of difficulty, "I was waiting for you. I knew you will come."
I held her. I could feel the bones that emerged out of her body due to neglect and self-flagellation; punishing herself with all her might.
I held her fiercely. And then we sat down.
She had forgiven me.
The bell rang again. I opened it this time. Ranju was standing with grocery.
She came in and said, "Baba, have you seen what Maa has done to herself?"
I said quietly, "You don't know what she has gone through."
She said, "Baba, I know. Maa has told me everything. You two are the limits!"
The End of the toothbrush story
Twists in the tail-1
Trambak
I call myself Trambak. Who's that? Any insights?
Have you seen the phallic man coloured blue around the throat? No? Okay, the one, in the company of two bulls!
Still negative? Exasperating!
Man! The one who roams around in places where good people like you wouldn't dare venture!! He is also addicted to the good stuff that sometimes you people roll with elaborate care and happiness.
Does your mother know what you have been rolling?
Got it?
So, here I am, but who am I actually? Why am I hiding behind my alias? Why am I scared to lift the veil that could expose my innermost secrets, perennially dark but lovely?
This darkness is my prized possession; my small little snake, venomous to the core!
A nice fellow called Maverick once identified me by my name. He has a similar one, I presume. He insists that I am good and benign. Let me not disappoint him! What say, you?
Whereas, I sneak in like a stealth bomber and cause havoc and no one's any wiser. I am all too pervasive, omnipresent but I evade radars.
See, life is a big baking kiln. It roasts you like hell and burns holes into your precious skin. The fun is that you think it is all enjoyment and so-called 'good experience'.
Sir! You are actually getting screwed, with royal fervor and damnation.
I am a bit different, not because I don't get my share of the goring but because I compensate by doing the unspeakable to others, in various ways. It is so uplifting! There is nothing more satisfying than actually planning the assault and then meticulously implementing it.
I am like a dark blanket that cuts out all light, all goodness, all hope. But people still think I am benevolent. That is my trump card.
I am occult cancer. I strike the feeble and sick who are unable to resist me.
What's wrong with me? Today, I feel feisty. I feel like an aggressive hound, ready to pounce on some unsuspecting fellow who thinks that I can do no wrong. Whoa! That's my ammo!
