The End Of Family

This is an attempt to explain the mindset of a man offended against by a wife who has cheated, yet they both remain deeply in love with each other. You may believe that what is to come is standard "Cuck Shit", I don't believe it is. I have spent a lot of time on this to get the emotions and reactions believable in a long term marriage and seemingly happy successful family.

Posting it in "Loving Wives" I expect a lot of the usual comments, but I can live with that. I hope some consider it worth reading.

Written in English, UK English but I caution you, by a lifelong dyslexic, try to avoid paroxysms of rage, they are seriously dangerous to your BP.

*****

So I am, a cuckold, again. I'd been through it all before ten years ago and though I'm certainly not a willing cuckold for there was no way that was the sort of man I was, but back then I'd made the decision to reconcile for the sake of our young children more than anything, given the ages they were at the time.

However, for all that and no matter how good the reasoning was to me then, I sacrificed something of myself ten years ago. For the good of my children, yes, but I lost something of what made me the man I am.

Now again I have a cheating wife and I won't put up with it, never again. We separated four months ago and I am trying to find an amicable solution; in my mind want to have the least possible hassle and no ongoing drama as we had three adult or near adult kids and so it's not just our lives but their lives to consider.

I'd been there done that owned and worn the damned tee shirt but that was then, this is now. I had believed that almost everyone in life deserved a second chance. At the time I'd genuinely believed that forgiveness and tolerance were two genuinely worthy human characteristics, better by far than quick judgment and rash decisions, better to take a rounded view of what was best for everyone than a single focus on my own immediate needs.

At times now, I think back to when I believed that and think that I have brought every bad thing that's happened in the last year on myself. Still, on balance, I do still believe in the theory, even if I've been badly burned in practice.

I thought Amanda had grown up, got it out of her system and had become the perfect wife, I'd been so happy that I had given her the second chance.

Now? Not so much, though at least these ten years later our children had enjoyed a complete family life with no heartbreak and were adults and no longer a major factor in my decision for the future.

My only concern now is that the children would not be forced to take sides, ideally I wanted them to have good relationships with both Amanda and I, irrespective of how our relationship was resolved or more likely, dissolved. Amanda had been a wonderful mother to our kids so no matter how hurt I was by her infidelities; I have no interest whatsoever in damaging their relationship with their mother or hers with them. At the same time, I am hoping that Amanda feels the same wholesome way about preserving my relationships with the kids.

After all, regardless of our personal relationship, we would have a long future relationship through our children, it didn't need to be close, I did hope that it would be cordial, hopefully it could even be friendly because although I couldn't continue our marriage -- which was still her preference, crazy as that seemed to me -- I didn't see any reason why with more 27 mainly happy years behind us we couldn't remain as friends to at least some degree, for what I felt about Amanda was still love, I knew I'd always love her but now that came with an almost overwhelming taint of incredible disappointment in her as a person, if not as a mother.

I'd given her a second chance, nobody in our family, still living, knew that. The older generation on both sides of our family had all gone, cancer, a heart attack, a fatal car crash had taken our parents and our previous crisis had been kept on a "need to know basis" and other than the four parents and the two of us, nobody needed to know.

The odd fact was that her first infidelity -- at least the first I knew of or that she admitted to -- came when she was 40. Her pledge then lasted another 10 years, admittedly very happy years that I am to this day glad we shared, not just because we had great times but it was a hugely important time for our growing children to keep them in a two parent, seemingly loving home.

Well in truth, despite my disappointment in Amanda, I don't regret that extra decade our family got. Now I believe they are in a better position in their lives to cope with the coming family break up.

At 50, she strayed again and there was no way I would entertain staying around to see what happened at 60, 70 or heaven forbid 80. I appeared that in the years when her age ended with a zero, she unaccountably developed an itch that only a strange cock could scratch.

*****

I suppose that despite my dislike of backstories, I need to flesh out the bones a little here.

I'm Jimmy, I'm 51 years old, a bit rough around the edges at first glance but I'm kind to friends, relatives and more or less anyone who doesn't cross me. On two occasions in life, I've been seriously slighted, once in business, once in my marriage. Both times I took action against the outside party interfering with my wife and my business; and both these interlopers, I think it's fair to say might agree I'm a good friend and a mean as hell enemy.

On both occasions the male interfering had good cause to regret making my acquaintance. I'll not go into more detail other than one lost his business, the other became familiar with the quality of hospital food in our town for quite a while.

My wife, or soon to be ex-wife, despite her resistance and oft repeated pledges of everlasting love is Amanda, she is a beauty just over 50, almost my age as there is only a few months between us. We've been married for 27 years, and our three kids are Evan who is 24, Lizzie, 22 and our "baby" Riley who is 19. It breaks my heart that I will not grow old with the woman I love above all others and have done for almost thirty years, but what can you do when trust flies out the window? Love without trust is a fool's errand.

Our eldest, Evan, is married just over a year now, in fact, his wedding was probably the last happy event before I discovered Amanda's cheating. Well, I suppose I'm grateful the fall-out had not affected our eldest's big day when he married Marie a lovely girl who is on her way to being a medical doctor and seems incredibly level-headed. Then again, I used to think that of Amanda and oh dear, look how that worked out.

How did I discover my wife cheating? Nothing remarkable, all rather cliched actually, I had a dinner appointment with a potential new client who invited me to a restaurant I hadn't been to with Amanda. She probably assumed it was safe and I walked in to find her sitting so close to "her guy" that they could have passed for Siamese twins. As I entered, they were kissing, his arm around her shoulder, his tongue down her throat, so engaged that of course she didn't see either me or the rest of the population, so engrossed they were in each other.

As I was with a potential business contact I decided not to go Rambo on her. Partly too was the fact that it had happened before, so my world took a big dent but was not shattered, unlike the first time. Now it was more a resigned sadness that she had killed our marriage rather than the rage I had felt 10 years previously.

So, when we were seated in a booth out of view of her table I texted her phone. It was fairly short and sweet and straight to the point, it simply said, "You just failed the husband test - again. Let's talk tomorrow... or maybe even tonight if you get home from fucking him early enough and you're not too tired." I switched my phone off. When I finished dinner, she was nowhere to be seen.

So here we were almost a year later, Amanda still in the family home with Lizzie, who was soon to be married and Riley the baby of the family and ironically, as close to a best friend as I have. I live in an apartment that I've been renting since I moved out, much against the wishes of the entire family. Honestly I hate it, I wish I were sleeping every night beside my beautiful cheating wife.

It may be unwise but ever since my moving out, we continue a pretty civilized relationship, there is not the same rancour as when she cheated before. For me, it is just a deal breaker that whilst I'm incredibly sad it's happened, I'm not in shock.

Generally, I eat dinner with the other three, Amanda included 2 or 3 times a week and Lizzie and Riley are often in my ear quietly telling me that their mother is living like a nun, hoping for my ultimate return and that she pines for me and that they have no doubt that she loves me.

I suppose in doing what I'm doing, I am stupidly encouraging her to believe our marriage may still be brought back off life support. For me, god help me, I still can't wean myself completely off her company and the fact that I'm breaking bread with two of my children a couple of times a week or more is my excuse and allows me to pretend that it's nothing to do with Amanda but in truth that is only an excuse.

In the immediate aftermath of discovery, I found a tearful wife when I went home, somewhat the worse for wear myself having continued drinking once my business dinner ended, though having the sense to leave my car in the car park overnight.

I heard that it was just sex, it didn't mean anything, funny, I always truly hate that line when I see it written, so hearing it spoken to me almost killed me, for me it meant that the rest of my life was forever changed.

The cliches continued, I'm the only man she has ever or will ever love, we were meant to be together and grow old together, our family needs us together. She wanted to try to fuck away all my hurt, to never see the guy again, but at that point I wouldn't have touched her with a ten-foot barge pole, for gorgeous though she is, the hurt was just far too much.

Name the excuse and I heard it that night and yes, she did at least have the good sense and grace to apologise, both for hurting me and for betraying my trust for the second time and also in her favour she didn't try to sell me the old chestnut, "it's not what it looks like" she just came clean. As they say sometimes you must be grateful for small mercies.

Ironically, I genuinely did believe that Amanda was fully invested in each and every one of the cliches, most especially, "it was just sex" for knowing that she loves me with all her heart, what else could it have been except the lust of a 50-year-old woman for the hard body of a physically "in his prime" man almost 20 years younger than her, as fit as a robber's dog and doubtless able to get it up several times a session?

Another, irony is that if this had been her first venture into cheating, I could visualise wanting with all my heart, making myself choose to buy into those well-worn lines, trying desperately to accept the harm she had done me because at 51 I knew beyond doubt that what we had together could never be replaced, never, just not possible.

In time, I knew I would get past even this but it would be a hard lonely road and I would find it difficult ever to consider finding it in me to try again to have a loving relationship. My heart was seriously compromised if not definitively damaged beyond potential emotional repair, albeit I hoped that it would physically beat on and on remorselessly for a few more decades.

Even now, even with her having done her best to prove another cliché, "once a cheater, always a cheater" there was a large part of my brain & all of my heart telling me that she is worth all the pain she is putting me through and yes, another classic, my life is better with her in it than not having her at all.

Speaking of cliches, perhaps the biggest of all, was her lover. Amanda is a teacher, head of English, her new paramour was the new teacher at their school, young, but not too young, but at 31 still way younger than her and what will come to nobody's surprise, he was of course the extremely fit, PE teacher. The ultimate cliché, the fitter younger man, perfect for the hormonal 50-year-old who was afraid of losing her youth and her looks.

Cliché? A full book of them.

I was so depressed, as in all stories with a fit PE teacher, inevitably if I acted like a man and sought him out he would probably beat the crap out of an old fart like me. No, it was clear that any physical retribution would have to be bought and paid for, and sorry if it disappoints you, but that's just not my style.

Anyway, all these months later, in my own mind, I have not a single doubt that Amanda truly does love me, I know she does, I love her in return, I'm not even going to try to stop loving her, it's impossible even with this hurt. I cannot find it within me to hate her and being without her kills my heart a little more every day but I cannot forgive her this second bout of infidelity. I can never live with her again.

Many would never even consider a first reprieve, infidelity is often a death knell to a marriage with barely a second thought, it is often the instant and irrevocable knee jerk reaction of a hurt spouse who then, despite possible regret at the instant reaction, knows he can't backtrack, even as his life turns to shit around him and he misses the bitch with every fibre of his being.

I'd got past it once, for reasons that were as much if not more to do with our children, but as I said, ultimately although I was betrayed for my kindness that first time, I don't regret it. I simply regret Amanda's inability to keep her knees together when appropriate.

How could I ever again trust her, how can I be sure that there actually were 10 years between indiscretions? If anyone has any magic answers I'm all ears because I know that we will both hurt from our divorce, two people hopelessly in love with each other, being removed in the most part from each other's lives, condemned to a future of regret and only civilised reunions at family occasions.

Even with my mind set on divorce, I endured too many evenings of longing for my wife to not consider on so many lonely occasions, just biting the bullet, humiliating my sense of self-worth and any remote notion of manliness and live with her infidelity. I wanted it, she wanted it and absolutely our three children wanted it.

Go with the flow? No, not this time, this time, I just couldn't, much as it hurt and my god it hurt, but this time, the head would rule the heart.

At some stage I will look for a permanent small home, probably 2 bed, definitely no more than 3 bed. I've discovered that I don't like apartment living, I can't really stand the proximity to people, some of whom just can't help annoying me, doubtless unintentionally, but with my life as it is, it takes very little to piss me off.

You might ask why it's almost a year since I discovered her cheating and yet only 4 months since I moved out and yet still, although a possible settlement has been discussed, as yet, no divorce papers have been served.

First came Evan's wedding, then a period when Amanda was being treated for depression, and more recently we are preparing for Lizzie's wedding which happens in 7 weeks' time and I'm trying hard to allow that to get done without a background of family misery.

As I said, I'm prepared and always have been to sacrifice for the greater family good, it's what my parents brought me up to believe that being a good father is all about. Some will think that is weak, I think it is the strength that a family man has when he thinks family before self, but I will absolutely not allow Amanda to come before my own best interests ever again.

I mentioned my youngest Riley being like a best friend, well he and I play golf every Saturday in a fourball with two old friends of mine. I'm a decent golfer and had been teaching Riley, then one Saturday one of our guys couldn't make it and Riley filled in. When the other pal moved away permanently for his job, Riley took the place fulltime. I was a respectable 5 handicap when I was teaching Riley the game, he has now surpassed me as a 2 handicapper and on his way to going lower, and like most guys his age, he blasts the ball distances I can only imagine. Golf really brought us together and we play now as friends, rather that dad & son.

Well, for someone hating backstories I suppose that is pretty much chapter and verse of who we are and how we got to where we are now.

*****

Last Saturday on the golf course, Riley advised me that something big was brewing with the wedding plans at the home camp and a big pow wow is due soon. I'm glad if some things get resolved, but I hoped the children would be wise enough not to try to use Lizzie's big event as a way to manipulate me, I did warn them not to get in the middle of their parent's troubles. I know they would all like to see the family stay together, they just don't know all the facts.

During the following week, I had a call from Lizzie, she wanted a family meeting the coming Friday night, the whole family would be there and could I please make sure I was. I assured her that her wedding, now less than two months away, was right at the front of my mind and that I'd do more or less anything to make it the best day of her life, she could count me in and anyway I'd see her at least once before Friday.

Friday came and the five us were assembled round the dinner table, with Evan's Marie also there and of course, Lizzie's husband to be John, a straightforward guy who I was beginning to like immensely and thought he was great son-in-law material.

I felt all through the dinner that Lizzie was unusually tense and that was unlike her, I wondered what was to come and had a certain degree of apprehension, something seemed a little off, some tightness around several mouths where there ought to be smiles and anticipation of what was soon to be a great day for the family, despite what was happening between Amanda and me.

Then after some clearing up, the shit hit the fan with Lizzie's announcement, more a demand actually. She started, but hell she looked so nervous.

"Daddy, you know that I love you just as much as I love John, I've always dreamed of my wedding day and of walking down that aisle on your arm, proud to be given away by my wonderful father. It's what I want more than anything in the world but I want you, no I need you to do it as a fully functioning, present and future part of our family."

What? Her meaning was a little cloudy, but she continued.

"I want my family to stay together, I know Mum has hurt you dad, I know you felt you had to move out, but the wedding present I want above everything else is my family back together. Dad, you need to move back home and reconcile with Mum. I know it's not easy, but any fool can see you two love each other; you just as much as her, so don't even try to deny it. Just give her a second chance Dad, you'll never regret it, she's a broken wreck without you and you are not much better, you need each other. Will you do it, if not for her or yourself, will you do it for your only daughter?"

Of course, Lizzie did not know that we were already on our "second chance", so when I quietly said "No" it took a second or two for my unexpected response to register, for she had relied on my putting her happiness above my own, as usual, thinking that in reality, we both were served by the same thing.

"No? No? Not even for my happiness and the rest of the family's, we all want it, all your children want it. I know you want it yourself; any fool can see you love her. Don't do this dad, don't force my hand with this."

"Lizzie, I warned you just like I warned all my children. It is a very bad thing for children, even as intelligent young adults as you all undoubtedly are, to get involved in such a serious situation between your parents. Please don't threaten me Lizzie, there are things you don't understand at play here."