I awoke to the bright lights of the recovery room, I could feel the cool air against my semi naked skin and felt the restrictions of tubes attached to me. The last thing I remember was getting into an altercation at work with some young lads, so I suspected they had knocked me out. The recovery nurse arrived at my bedside and explained that a had suffered a cardiac event, which I now know as the modern language for a heart attack.
On returning to the ward the doctor told me the toxicity report had found high levels of testosterone so I explained I was a steroid user, preparing for competition, at which point the medical team concluded their investigation and conversations turned to a severe warning that I had been lucky to be alive and needed to change my lifestyle. This point was further emphasised when my girlfriend and kids were allowed to see me, the upset and love in their eyes told me that my bodybuilding day were over, and my life choices to work a day job and be a bouncer of an evening also needed review.
The guilt and hurt I had caused overwhelmed me, and my stupidity at pushing myself to near death wrangled in my head, I became remorseful and decided to come clean on my lifestyle in the hope this would provide the catalyst for change. Over the last five years I had become a serial adulterer, working nightclub doors and looking good had given me access to beautiful drunken women, and the testosterone and constant hornyness had provided the motivation. I had been a cheater, a self consumed egomaniac, who had nearly lost everything.
I confessed everything to my girlfriend whilst laid in that hospital bed, and this gave me a lot of peace, however she understandably was in shock and devastated, so by the time I was discharged I wasn't sure whether she would actually be there to pick me up. Fortunately she did take me home, but over the next few weeks there wasn't much conversation or empathy, and this distance remained in perpetuity.
Coming off the steroids rendered me impotent, my body had stopped producing its own testosterone. She seemed quite happy about this, probably knowing my infidelity had stopped, and over the next few months she made it clear that our relationship was over, but she didn't want to break the family up so we would live together as parents.
She became empowered and decided that we needed to move back to the village she grew up in so she could be near family and friends. She didn't want to bring the children up in a city, and needed a quieter life. I never returned to nightclub work, but kept my day job, which now involved more travel. I renovated the attic in our new house, so I could sleep up there, as all my attempts to restore our relationship were falling on deaf ears, so I accepted this was my fault and took my medicine.
After a few years things started working for me again downstairs, I could get erections, not proper hard ones but the feelings of arousal returned. The humiliating thing was my cock had shrunk massively. I was never big, but when I got what I would call a good erection I measured it and it was under 4" and a lot thinner.
In a final attempt to restore our relationship I asked Anne to marry me. She agreed. I was over the moon and thought this would bring us back together. After the wedding I started to make moves on her and she was responsive. The first time she saw my cock aroused she laughed which really upset me and needless to say the moment was lost. We tried a few more times but it never ended well for me and I could see she wasn't enjoying it so we called it a day.
I remember asking her what she would do for sex, she said 'This is none of your business, to me our relationship finished in the hospital three years ago.'
'So why did you agree to marry me?' I asked.
'I wanted to legitimise the children, and have the same name as them, I also wanted to have access to your pension, should you do anything stupid again.'
I responded 'So you never wanted to restart our relationship.'
'I did, you have been very understanding these last few years as I have rebuilt my life, and I have seen a softer, nicer you. I have gotten over the hurt and betrayal now, I love you and we are good parents, so I was up for giving it a go, but the sex was awful, and there was nothing there for me, so I would rather call time on this and enjoy the family time.'
'But what about sex, I don't want to live the rest of my life without any sex, and I suspect you don't either,' I asked inquisitively.
'As I said earlier, to me our relationship ended in the hospital, since then I have been a single women, the marriage put a spanner in the works, and I thought yes let's give it a go, but it hasn't worked, so I will go back to my single lady mindset and enjoy my life, and I really hope you do the same.'
'How can I enjoy a single life? I love and want you, plus you have seen my cock, I am not sure this will get me any repeat buyers, so what do I do?' I exclaimed with insecurity in my voice.
'My therapist once said to me "your life is a sum of your decisions", and that's exactly where your life is, you fucked up, it's not for me to solve, it's for you to deal with.' She said sternly.
I had no response to this, so the conversation ended.
Over the next year I hadn't noticed any changes in Anne's behaviour, she went out with the girls on a Friday evening but no other random nights out where she might be meeting other men so my insecurities subsided.
I was offered redundancy from my day job and I could take my pension early as I was fifty five, ten years older than Anne. I wanted to enjoy my life and the family time, so I decided to take it and I retired. Anne was dead against this, she worked from home and needed the peace of an empty house during the day when I was at work and the kids were at school.
As a treat I booked a holiday in a woodland retreat for us the week I retired. Anne said she had some immovable business meetings that week, so I booked a local resort, so she could travel to her meetings and return to the holiday.
The first morning I had booked us all on a woodland adventure, climbing and tree walks. The kids were up early, all excited. I made breakfast and took some into Anne's bedroom. She was really down and said she hadn't slept and had a lot on her mind, she asked if we could skip the woodland adventure and talk. I was reluctant as I was really looking forward to it, so I did the first hour and then faked injury and returned to the coffee house which doubled as the woodland adventure reception, where Anne was sat, busily texting.
I refreshed drinks and sat down in silence waiting for a load of work talk that I would not be interested in. Anne started to cry. I put my hand on hers and moved closer, 'is everything ok,' I eventually asked when she appeared to compose herself.
She looked around, checking no one was in earshot, then said, 'remember when you were in hospital and you confessed everything to me.'
'I will never forget it,' I said, 'it was the hardest thing I have ever done.'
'Did you feel better after you told me.' She asked.
'God yes,' I said, 'it was horrible but necessary.'
'Well this is my time to do it, and I really hope it does the same for me.' She stuttered.
I just looked at her, I was tempted to move my hand away, but didn't, I just sat there, my heart pounding.
'I have remained sexually active ever since your heart attack.' She said, barely getting the words out before the tears started again.
My natural reaction would have been to break our hand holding and cross my arms, so not to expose myself to this, but instead I held her hand tighter and said, 'you need to do this so I won't interrupt.'
This gave her confidence and she smiled and started talking again, 'I hated you for what you did to me, whilst you were still in hospital I contacted all the people you worked with and told them of your confession and asked them if we could meet and talk as I wanted assurance that this was real and I knew everything. '
'I spoke to a lot of your collegues and they all said you were out of control and were fucking everyone you could, it wasn't like you were being chased, you were looking for it, and this destroyed me, I get the moments of weakness and impulsivity, but looking for it showed me no respect or thought.'
I started to interrupt, but received a glare that told me to back off, so I just hung my head and waited for the onslaught.
'I felt worthless and stupid, I was vulnerable and alone, one of your work mates, James, was very nice, he never really offered an opinion and was just concerned for me, I met him a few times and he was a great friend.'
I looked up and raised my eyebrows, almost questioning whether she had fucked him.
'Yes,' she replied, 'a few times. I needed a sense of self worth and he provided that for me, so yes I fucked him and I really enjoyed it, it gave me reassurance and revenge.'
At this point I instinctively broke the hand holding, but Anne grabbed my hand and said, 'you need to hear this and I need to know you have heard it, so no closing down!'
She continued. 'When we moved back home (to the village she grew up in) I re-aquainted with the girls I grew up with and started to have fun, there were some guys in the village who were interested and some were old flames, so I had some fun.'
Again I raised my eyebrows inquisitively.
'Yes' she said, 'from now on when I mention a guy assume I fucked him, that's why I am confessing, no need for the eyebrows all the time.'
She continued, 'to be honest fucking men in the village was a mistake, I had forgotten how word gets around and was worried you, my family or the kids might find out, so I stopped that and went on dating sites, but these were a bit cumbersome and I was vengeful so didn't need the understanding, relationship type, so I ended up on hook up sites.'
