The Desperate Struggle to Reconcile

It wasn't until the third day after admission to rehab before we were allowed to visit Linda. I had arranged for both of our children to be there. Until now, all they knew was that their mom and I were working through some problems. When they got the message that Mom was in drug rehab, they knew it was much more significant than ordinary bumps of a marriage.

From the time I picked them up at the airport, they began with the questions. It was a couple of hours between the different planes landing. I wanted to tell them the truth, but I didn't want to destroy the love they had for their mom.

Once at home I opened up. "Okay, kids, I will tell you what I think I know. But reserve judgment until Mom can tell you her side. And remember, what I am going to tell you has nothing to do with you, it is just between your mother and me, and there is plenty of blame to go around.

It started with that big case. I put everything I had into the case. Almost every day was an 18-hour day, and days and days would go by when your mom and I barely saw each other. After a while your mom got very lonely. Eventually, it developed into depression, and she started to desperately reach out for a way to feel alive. I was blind. I was so busy with my case that I neglected your mom, and I missed all the signs that she needed help. Unfortunately, she found that help in the arms of another man."

At that my daughter gasped. "Mom had an affair? Mom cheated on you?"

"Please, sweetie, telling this is very painful for me. Let me finish this and then ask your questions. There is much more to come."

I continued. "It is actually worse than that. Mom's boyfriend turned out to be something of a drug dealer. A low level one for sure, but he was selling Mom all the cocaine she wanted, and at twice the street value, I am told. He was also married, had two kids and was the househusband for his wife, a doctor. And he had other girlfriends. I'm probably not too far off calling the guy a slug."

"Geezus" said my daughter.

My son grunted disgust.

"And the whole neighborhood knows. They carried out this affair in our home while I was at work. This strange car was seen parked outside our house on most mornings. And Loverboy was seen going in and out. The neighbors that didn't notice this, heard about on the gossip circuit. Turns out I was the last one in the neighborhood to find out about it."

"Mom really fell for this guy. Her plans were to divorce me, take half of what we owned, and live happily ever after with him. I got my private investigator on it, he got the dirt on this fellow, and when I finally confronted her on all this, she was unaffected until I showed her the other girlfriend that Loverboy was seeing while he was seeing her. That crushed her. She cried. She didn't cry when I told her I knew she was cheating. She cried when she found out that he was cheating.

Eventually she called her boyfriend, he admitted to having another girlfriend and he then told your mom that he was not running off with her, he was staying with his wife.

A last wrinkle, your mom had forgotten about a prenup that grandpa made her sign when he gave us our house. The prenup says she gets virtually nothing if she ever cheats. So her plan of living off of me was over as was her plan for living with lover boy.

I have cancelled her credit cards, and closed our joint accounts, and told her I would give her an allowance to live on until we figured out what we were going to do. But before she even got her allowance, she ran out and bought some drugs, went to a cheap motel, snorted too much coke and ended up in jail, where I bailed her out. Finally, I bullied her into this drug rehab and you are more or less up to date.

There was silence in the car for the rest of the drive home. I could hear my daughter sniffling, but nothing else was said.

At home we unpacked and once settled we met again at the dining room table and I made the coffee.

"I have a plan. It is a stupid plan and has virtually no chance of succeeding, but I want your help anyway. I have been honest with your Mom, I want her back. I have conditions to that, which are that I want my old wife back, not the women she has become. I have told her that I will only work 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, and I will take long and frequent vacations with her if I can have my old wife back. So far she has not said yes, and it is unlikely she ever will. She thinks I abandoned her, and she hates me for it. On that note, she is pretty much correct. I never thought I was abandoning her in favor of my work but that is what I did."

"But she hasn't said no," asked my daughter.

Yeah, well, I've told her saying no means she is on the street" I answered.

"So, this is what I am suggesting you do tomorrow on our visit. Tell her you both love her very much and want her to get better. No matter where she leads the conversation, say that she is your mom, and that you love her very much. If she says I am a bum, don't argue, and say Mom, all we care about today is you and no one else. You must get better.

"You see, she has buried her old self, we must remind her that she is a mother who is loved. I am trying to remind her she is a wife who is loved.

"And you don't think that will work?" Asked my son.

"No, I don't. Right now, I am the bastard that abandoned her, and I am the bastard that ruined her plan to run away with her lover and live happily ever after. And she is right."

The next day we all rode out to the rehab facility together. Visiting hours started at one, and we were twenty minutes early. I could tell both kids were nervous. I was nervous, but I thought I was doing a good job of hiding it until my daughter held my hand, and whispered to me not worry, everything will work out. My son heard that and smiled at me, also trying to reassure me. I then got up, told her that I would be outside, she won't want to see me, but tell her I'm here and if she does want to see me, to just call me.

Linda didn't show until ten after. The visit did not go well.

My daughter hugged her, and she hugged her back. She also went over and hugged my son. They sat down and started off using my script, assuring her that they both loved her and wanted her to get better. Linda started off asking what their father had told them. My daughter answered that that he told them that I had a boyfriend and that he sold you drugs. Linda then said that I was accusing her of it being all her fault. My son broke in and said, no, he said he neglected you working on his cases, and that you felt abandoned.

Linda barked out, "it was not a feeling, I had been abandoned." Then she said that "He has this agreement thing, and he was using it to hold me prisoner against my will. He is threatening to throw me me out on the street. I bet he never told you that.

"Yes, he has. He says he loves you and he is hoping the old you will somehow come back."

"No fucking way!" was her response. I have given him thirty years of my life so that I could build his little empire. Now he is cheating me out of my rightfully earned half that we had both built together.

My son interrupted, "your claim the dad cheated you is a bit ironic in these circumstances.

"Don't you talk to me like that, you little shit!"

"I'm a little shit? Well, that proves it the mom that raised me is dead and has been replaced by some evil bitch. With that, my son turned and walked out. My daughter followed along.

The plan for the kids to be loving and reassuring crashed and burned. The kids told me everything that was said on the ride home. My daughter was in tears, my son was holding himself together a little better, but the look on his face was devastating. They had one more visit tomorrow and they would go home. My son declared he couldn't visit again. My daughter told me this was so hard.

The kids and I went out to eat that evening. We deliberately didn't talk about Mom. I centered the conversation on them, catching up with all that was happening, about jobs, grandchildren, future plans. It was the first time in months that I had a conversation that was positive, uplifting and not focused on a subject that was bleak and barren of all joy. I felt my whole body relaxing some.

Later at home over a glass of wine before bed, I told them about the small apartment and allowance I would provide for her after her release. I told them I would no longer monitor her, that she can use the apartment as a love nest or a drug den, all that was up to her, and her allowance would continue regardless. But I would not initiate a divorce, that would be on her.

The next day the kids refused to return to the rehab center for another visit. The ride back to the airport was somber. As we arrived at the airport, my daughter went on a rant. "How selfish of Mom to destroy our family like she has. This is not my mother! Damn her for what she has done."

I quickly spoke up. "Sweetie, she has done nothing to you. I did wrong, and she did what she felt she had to for her sake. No matter how this ends up, don't let this break your relationship with your mom. You might not need her, but no matter what she thinks, she very much needs you."

As I parked the car, my son asked, "Dad, have you told us everything."

I answered after a moment of thought. "No. I only told you what you needed to know, and I have told you the truth. What is missing are some very unsavory details about your mother that won't help you process this any better. But I won't keep this hidden forever. Just let me bear that burden for a little while longer. I need you guys to help bring your Mom back to the light. Please."

With that, I walked them to the baggage check-in, hugged them and we each said we loved each other.

The next day I returned to the clinic. I gave the receptionist a single red rose to give to my wife. I had placed it in a small vase, and I also gave her a beautiful card in which I wrote. "I am here in case you wanted to visit. The kids got off okay. I love you. Patrick." I asked the receptionist if she would give this to my wife, and she said visiting hours will start in ten minutes, why don't you give them to her. I told her because she doesn't want to see me. A minute later she returned and said with a somewhat embarrassed look on her face, "she doesn't want to see you." I smiled and said, I suppose not, then sat down in the visiting area and pulled out my phone and started working on my emails.

Linda never came out. Nor did she come out in any of the next 14 days. But each day I would show up with a rose and a different card with a short message and the words "I love you" and I would wait the one hour for visits in case she came out. The receptionist and I would have a nice talk. She told me that she was angry at me and would say ugly things about me. She asked why she was so ugly to me, and I gave her the sanitized version. Her response was, "so she blames you for making her cheat." To which I shrugged my shoulders.

I later asked the receptionists to ask Linda why she was so angry at me. She came back out a little later and told me, "you're right, she blames you for her cheating." After that we kind of became friends, and would talk every day. One day, as I arrived, she asked why do I come every day even though she refuses to see me. I showed her the card where it was written, "I love you." She read it and her eyes watered, then she said, "she has all of your cards, she hasn't thrown any of them away. And the cards and your roses are the only thing with color in her whole room. Maybe, just maybe, she is so angry with you and won't come out because she can't stand how guilty she feels."

I replied to her, "that is the first suggestion she might still love me even if it is buried deep inside her."

She smiled and said, "hate is not the opposite of love. Indifference is the opposite of love. She is not indifferent about you. The hate she has in her heart for you is generated from a broken heart."

After that, I walked over to the window in the visiting area and looked out at the parking lot. I stared for I don't know how long when I heard Linda's voice angry coming from behind me.

"Why are you here? Do you know everyone is asking me every day why you come and why I don't come out and see you? Are you trying to humiliate me?"

I just looked into her eyes, and said slowly, "I am here because I love you. I come every day even when you need you to know that I can change. I can make you and not work the center of my life."

"Linda abruptly turned around and shouted, "Fuck You!" and stormed back to her room. Everyone in the visiting room was staring at us.

When visiting time was up, I walked up to the receptionist. She had heard everything that Linda and I had said and probably figured I needed my space. I told her in a whisper, "well,he spoke to me."

At that she laughed and said to me "everyone here is rooting for you."

I gave her a smile and said, "Since all this started, folks tell me that they felt sorry for me, but no one has told me that they were rooting for me. Thank you."

The remaining days passed quickly, with no change in the routine. Five days from the completion of rehab, I added to my usual card, "the kids are flying in this Friday, and the grandkids and the fiancée will be with them. If you want, they could help you move. I can help or disappear: your call. Likewise, if you want to spend time in the house with the kids and grandkids and you need me to disappear, I can do that. I love you."

Three minutes after the rose and the card went into Linda's room, Linda came out. She was happy. She asked me about her grandchildren. She also wanted to hear the latest on her son's fiancée. We chatted for the full hour. She had been unplugged from her family for more than six months now, and finally, a spark of interest.

And that was it.

She didn't come out again until her release from the program. I had our son and daughter pick her up in her car and take her to the house. I stayed with the grandchildren, their father and my son's fiancée. The grandchildren focused on cartoons on TV while their father and the fiancée were grilling me on what had happened and what my plan was. They were incredulous that I would have her back, and I told them not to worry, that it was unlikely. As Linda and the kids drove up, I told the father and the fiancée be nice to her. Like me, she is broken.

Then as they entered the front door, I went out the side door, got into my car and headed off to my office. I got to the office, no one was there, it was well after six. I went to my office, turned on my computer, and tried to read the news.

Forty-five minutes after arriving, I heard knocking on the front door. It was Linda. "The kids told me you would here. They said you didn't want to make things awkward, that you wanted to give me time with the kids and grandkids."

"Yeah, something like that." I responded. Meanwhile she began looking around my office. It occurred to me that it had been more than a year since she had been here. Longer maybe. She carefully studied the pictures on my desk and on my wall. Except for the pictures of the kids and the grandkids, all the rest were of her. "I guess I need a picture of our son's fiancée. I'm thinking she is a keeper."

"You going to make her sign a prenup?" she asked in an even voice.

"No, I'm not my father."

She sat down in front of my desk. I sat down in the chair next to hers.

"I have to tell you that I was wrong, you didn't abandon me. You were always with me, at least in your heart." Linda said in a serious voice.

"That nice of you to say. But I wasn't there when I should have been. It will always be partially my fault." I said.

"And while I would like to accept your suggestion that I was depressed, and did this just to feel alive, it might have been a part, but there was more to it. I am afraid I had a perverse desire to do something bad that built up in me, and once I let it out, I let it control me. And I think I must have wanted to get caught, not to hurt you, but just to get me to stop. That is why the neighbors had a pretty good idea of what I was up to. I knew if I got caught it would hurt you; I am afraid I just didn't care." It sounded like she had fine-tuned this bit of narrative in her group sessions at rehab.

"What about Kyle, and your plan to divorce me, take half of what we had and run off with him?" I asked.

"Yeah, I really fell for Kyle as my partner in being bad. But bad doesn't work with partners. While he said all the right things, he was just using me."

"So," I asked, "was our love dead at that point."

"Yes, I thought it was. I had convinced myself you were no more than a meal ticket." She said.

"And now?" I asked in a soft voice.

"I know you are the most loyal, most patient, most kind, even generous man in the world. I might have fallen in love with you again."

I smiled but said nothing.

"The kids are back at the house without a car, do you want to see if they want to go out to eat with us?" she asked.

"I have a better idea." I called the kids, I told them where the menus were and told them to order themselves dinner and have it delivered because it was going to be too late for us to go out. I told them what I wanted, and I even ordered for Linda, and she nodded when I described her order. Linda and I then drove home and the food arrived. We had a great meal together, almost like a functioning family.

I then said, "Your Mom and I are going to head over to her apartment. I haven't seen it since you guys started decorating it."

We arrived at her new apartment and immediately, Linda turned to me and began to pull my clothes off. I was clearly pleased by her enthusiasm and joined in peeling everything off. Once the last sock had been removed, she pushed me onto the floor, held her hand up signaling stay, and began to slowly remove her clothing. My cock responded to the sensual show by coming to the position of attention, standing hard and fully erect. When her breasts and her sex were fully exposed, she got on her knees, placed her hot mouth around by maleness and covered the head of my penis with her mouth, licking the underside of my cock with a wilding swirling tongue. It had been literally years since she had performed oral sex on me and I had almost forgot how great it felt, or even how damn sexy it looked as I watched everything this beautiful, naked woman was doing. Slowly, she moved further down my penis, pushing my cock deeper into her mouth, and after a few seconds, she had easily pushed it deeper than she had ever gone in our 30 years of marriage. And she kept going. She pushed past her gang reflex with hardly any trouble at all, and continued to push until her lips were buried in my pubic hair. The feeling was fantastic, but more significant, the view was so much more exciting, watching my women's enthusiasm and determination in pleasuring me so.

Then she very smoothly shifted gears. Slowly she began bobbing her head up and down along by cock. The view remained wildly spectacular. She picked up speed, the feeling was firing up every nerve in my body, and my entire body was focusing on the hot sensations emanating from my very hard cock. Despite the view, I had to lay by head down and close my eyes, to appreciate every intoxicating sensation my cock was feeling. Her bobbing motion increased in speed as did the intensity of the feeling. Never had any previous blow job felt so good. Never had I ever seen her ...

Oh my God! I had seen her giving a blow job just like this. The videos of her and Shithead. She was giving me the Shithead blowjob. On, God, no. Soon my mind was filled only with images of my wife giving Shithead the blowjob she had never given me. She was giving Shithead the enthusiasm for his pleasure that she had never given me. Oh shit, I can't get this poison out of my head...