I awoke, dazed and dreary, with eyelids seemingly of stone. I had been to a Christmas Eve Office party with my wife last night. Ah, my wife, Suzanne, she's way out of my league, at least that's what everyone tells me anyway. She looks like she should be in Playboy or Victoria's Secret, and I should be in Joe Schlub Weekly. It's not that I'm bad looking, it's just that in comparison, and just about everything looks bad compared to my wife. Meanwhile, I was slowly waking up. I realized my wife was not lying next to me, I reach over, and nothing. I looked at the clock and noticed that it was 9 o'clock, and Christmas morning. Although this is typically sad for us, it reminds my wife how she is barren, and cannot have children of her own. I managed out of bed and took a quick shower, we had no real plans for the day, our families both living many miles away, and my job not allowing me to travel. We usually just sit around and watch TV, or have sex, which are our 2 favorite pastimes.
I put on some jeans and a T-shirt and walked downstairs, still not knowing where my wife was. I turned right at the bottom of the stairs, and saw an incredibly large package sitting next to our tree, it couldn't fit under it, due to the large size of it. I walked into the room, when I heard a voice.
"Hey sleepyhead, I was getting worried about you." She said and stood up from her spot on the couch. She was dressed in a Mrs. Claus outfit, however it looked like Mrs. Claus was a hooker according to this interpretation. It was red spandex bodysuit, with the typical white trim, but this outfit left nothing to the imagination, it was low cut to show off my wife's cleavage and high to show off her great legs. It fit perfectly everywhere, and she was enjoying having my full attention. She walked toward me, emphasizing her hips for the few steps she had to take. "I got you a present," she said, moving her finger up and down my chest. "Open it" she said, and was seemingly anxious for me to do so.
The present was extremely large, just as tall as my 6'2" height, and had to be 3' wide and deep. It was white, and had a red ribbon going around it, and which tied in a bow at the top. I looked skeptically at my wife, who was watching intently at my every move. I undid the ribbon by standing on my tiptoes, and was nearly knocked to the ground when the 4 sides fell outward upon the bow being untied. I cursed at myself for not noticing that they were only being held together by the bow. However, upon looking at what was just uncovered took those thoughts out of my mind and replaced them with new, dirty thoughts. There standing in a damsel in distress costume, (kind of like that chick in the old Dudley-Do-Right cartoons that always got tied to the tracks) was one of my wife's friends, Melissa. She is built top-heavy, and by built I mean surgically made. She had a petite body type, but had implants, which made her chest much larger than the rest of her. She is a very beautiful woman, and in the costume she had on, she could have made guys walk into a pole staring at her. She had a post-it note on her chest, which I went up to her to see. Upon coming closer to her, I discovered that her wrists were bound behind her. I grabbed the note off of her; it was handwritten, and said: