Slut Wife - Am I Cheating Slut?

I have been cheating on my husband.

There are no excuses for my actions. However, there is an explanation...reasons and context. They aren't sufficient justification I know. I don't expect or deserve sympathy. I am writing about it as a form of confession to unburden myself and maybe find a way forward.

I told my husband about my affair recently. He doesn't want to break-up but I don't think I can be faithful and told him that. I don't know what will happen but at least I am not lying anymore.

I met Darren through work. We are not in love. I have no desire to run away with him. He is a single man who almost certainly dates other women which has never been of any concern to me. He has taken me sexual places I never knew existed. I am unable or unwilling to deny him anything.

The first time he fucked me I convinced myself that it was a one-time thing unlikely to occur again. It was best for all that I just hide it away forever. Foolishly I counted on him not to seek me again rather than girding myself to resist.

But he did seek me again and I ran to him. Afterwards when my desire was sated I convinced myself that I would resist next time. Twice was not so much worse than once and surely it was best to just keep this secret. It was too late. I was addicted to him. Addicted to his presence and the way he fucks me.

I know most would judge me weak or selfish. Maybe so, but anyone who has ever had an addiction knows better. Maybe its not the same as crack or gambling or whatever, but it still isn't something I can turn off or will away. No matter how hard I try my resolve crumbles. The proposition that it will soon be behind me is no longer tenable, which is why I had to tell Bill.

I still love him. I can't bring myself to end our marriage and he hasn't left me. If I won't be faithful do I owe it to him to break-up or let him stay as he says he wants to do? Letting him stay feeds my selfish desires, but how can it be right to send him away when neither of us wants that?

Before I go on I want to clarify something. Bill is a good husband and a wonderful lover. It is wrong to assume that a wife's cheating is somehow due to her husband's short-comings. Women are entirely capable of lusting after more than one man and have plenty of opportunity to do so. You don't know how you will respond in the circumstance even if you think you do.

......

Bill and I are are common law. We have been together for five years but never formally married due to my crazy hippy feminist mother who disdains the institution as patriarchal.

She has always represented the best and worst aspects of feminism. Mostly the right goals and efforts but with a healthy does of hypocrisy and negativity.

Among other things she has drilled into us the belief that a woman's body is hers and hers alone. Yet she is the first to disapprove of what other women do with their bodies or how they present themselves.

My father left when I was still very young. He has tried to stay in touch but his relationship with mom is strained so we really only got to know each other when I was in my late teens. My stepdad is pure milquetoast. He is a nice and loving man. Mom walks all over him without so much as a peep out of him. Truth be told so do my sister and I.

It's not that Mom dictates who I am or how I behave, but she is a factor in how I got here.

I must have gotten my physical genes from my dad's family as I look quite different from mom. She is slender and pretty but quite plain. I developed early and had breasts bigger than mom's by the time I was fifteen. It was at this point that her attitude changed towards me. She says it was just because I was starting to attract the attentions of men and she needed to teach me how to protect myself. That is true enough but I think there was an undertone of jealousy too. She has always been caustic to (maybe jealous of?) women who appear more sexual than her even if it is just a natural by-product of their body type.

As a result I was raised to be extremely self-conscious about my body. Frightened or intimidated away from the dating scene by mom I poured myself into physical activities. But that just meant that as my tits and hips kept growing my waist stayed tiny and my legs and arms toned. At 25 years old I am 130 lbs. Most women would find that at least 15 lbs. too heavy but I am fit as a fiddle. The extra weight is all firm booty.

My measurements are currently 40-24-40 with DD cup boobs. I used to dress as modest as was reasonable without wearing a garbage bag or looking like I stepped out of a time machine. But there is no hiding my voluptuousness and I do attract male attention. I have now learned to embrace my body type.

Mom's perspective has rubbed off on me whether I admit it or not and I always strove to keep friction with her to a minimum so I dated intentionally compliant men. Bill is stronger than the other men I have dated. He is more female sensitive and politically correct than most men but still a real man and an excellent lover.

Darren is pure Alpha male. I was drawn to him because of him, not because of anything I am missing in my marriage. He isn't a replacement or better version of the man I want. As it turns out I just want both men.

......

I work for an interior design firm and Darren owns the contracting company that builds a lot of the projects we design. The first time I met him he seemed to me to be like an Alpha male right out of central casting. Mom would presume him sexist but she would be wrong.

Darren is the kind of person that everyone turns to when he walks in the room. They respect him and defer to him not because he demands it but because he has earned it and people sense his natural leadership ability. He leads women just the way he leads men - with authority, confidence and a calm certainty that this is as it should be.

He isn't aggressive or rude or the least bit misogynist. He simply knows where he wants to go and knows he is the best person to lead the way. And the rest of us agree.

The first time I met him I was with my boss, a very attractive and stylish 42 year old woman. We were on a jobsite that was near completion. She was meeting Darren to review deficiencies and make a plan to get to the finish line. I was 23 and barely out of college. My job was to carry the bags, take notes and shut up.

The whole team knew he had arrived almost from the moment his truck pulled up. Several trades and his own staff had questions for him. In each case once he had provided his answers they pursued their tasks with renewed vigour and absolute certainty that they were on the right path.

My normally in control boss became slightly flustered when she saw him and I could tell she was fighting not to be more disoriented. She was used to adopting an aggressive tone to assert herself in this male dominated industry but not with Darren. I think she had a crush on him and he intimidated her a bit, but the fact is that it wasn't necessary or productive to adopt an aggressive posture.

Their interaction was the height of professionalism. Where deficiencies existed he embraced them and made sure someone was on it right away. The fighting and blaming and recriminations that are regular fare with so many contractors was completely absent from the dialogue. On the couple occasions where she incorrectly noted something as a deficiency when it actually had never been specified he knew his material. He made his position clear then found a way for both of them to get through it and still look good for the client.

It was obvious why we recommend him for the most important jobs and why a lot of referrals come the other way as well. Just like everyone else on the site my boss and I were buzzing with purpose and enthusiasm when he left.

I have met many men to whom it is difficult to say 'no', but there was always a degree of fear or intimidation involved. With Darren there is just no reason to say no. He is in charge and that is to everyone's benefit.

Over the course of the next year and a half or so I met him several times. It was his strength of character and presence that drew me to him but he was also a fine physical specimen. At 6'2" and broad shouldered he made my 5'5" frame seem small but he never made me feel small. He had the kind of strength that came from a lifetime of challenging physical labour. I doubt he ever did a benchpress, but he can pick up one end of a 300 lbs beam like I pick up my purse and he has to make a conscious effort not to crush your hand when he shakes it. At 44 years old he is almost twice my age and fitter than almost everyone I know.

Over the next year I took on some increased responsibility. I wasn't ready to lead a design team of course but I was adept at understanding what had been drawn and communicating it to clients and contractors. The first time he asked me to spend some time reviewing drawings with him my stomach was all aflutter. It was a big step in my career but I should have known then how much of a crush I had on him.

It must be noted at this stage that I do not wear a wedding ring. And all of our interactions had been brief and casual with limited discussion of personal lives. I don't think it occurred to him that at the then age of 24 I was married.

Over the next few months we became closer. Our interactions were focussed on work but more flirty and comfortable than before. I told myself he couldn't be interested in such a young woman, but I was ignoring the signs. And by putting him on a pedestal I was ignoring the fact that he was a man...a real man who might very well be interested in a voluptuous young blond. And like so many women, especially my age, I sincerely underestimated my own sex appeal.

And then it happened.

......

Bill and I went to his parent's house for brunch on a Sunday in May. I have always gotten on well with them, especially his mother. She is a lovely and supportive woman who never seems to have a bad thing to say about anyone. But to me she is also something of an enigma. Feminine, pretty, demure and subtle she is also in complete control of her surroundings. And she does it with her own brand of authority neither competing with men nor trying to be different for the sake of it. She is emphatically her own woman complying with no particular philosophy. Her handsome husband and two sons are completely in her thrall. In fact all men and most women seem to be. Never demanding, she simply has to express an interest or desire and they fall over themselves to make it happen.

Working at a design firm I have adjusted to the need to be less body self-conscious. Obviously it is ok to be subtle but I am expected to be stylish and feminine. That is part of our image. It is all very respectable but I have had to grow up and get past the fear of my own silhouette. This has been greatly facilitated by a group of female co-workers who do not see their own femininity as a threat to their status.

I often use get togethers with my mother in-law as an opportunity to expand my own comfort zone. Frankly I feel both compelled and contented to be a bit more feminine around her. So for our brunch I wore a pretty and very feminine sundress with delicate shoulder straps, a low cut front and open back. It fit snug to my torso and transitioned to a loose flowing skirt with a hem half way up my thigh. My strappy high heeled sandals made my legs look extra long and firm. I left my long curly blond hair down so it cascaded over my shoulders.

She is always so complimentary and sincere that I feel genuinely beautiful around her. Slowly she has helped temper some of the more extreme views instilled by my mother. Simply put, a woman shouldn't feel compelled to be overtly feminine and even sexual but she shouldn't be afraid to be either.

She was the first to explain to me that women are equal to men but not the same. As long as we feel the need to suppress aspects of ourselves to validate other aspects we aren't equal. How can others accept us when we don't? Being equal for her means she can run her successful medical practice and be as feminine or sexual as she likes. And it means not needing anyone, man or woman, to validate her.

She also was the first to explain to me in clear terms that it is an immutable fact of life that people approach beautiful women differently. No it isn't fair but the world isn't fair to anyone. Take it as a lesson not to make assumptions about others, deal with it and live your life. If you want to try to affect change in the world then by all means do so but see it for what it is. You can either be yourself and take what comes or wrap yourself in defences and miss out on life.

As for men...don't expect acceptance of who you are if you judge and condemn them for being who they are. Demand to be treated with respect but don't ask them to lie to you or you will end up surrounded by liars.

It was on this day that she made that last point. Barely a minute after she said it her husband came over to the lounger she was sitting in, took away her empty glass and offered to fetch her and I another drink. She thanked him warmly and touched his arm. These were the subtlest of actions but I could see he was motivated rather than compelled to serve.

I don't know why I am writing about this. Maybe I am rationalizing my genuine confusion. It just feels as though one version of my sexuality or another has been shoved down my throat all my life. And I think it is the same for every woman including my mother-in-law. But she knows who she is now and obviously has experience and a point of view that represents more than one of the multiple choice options offered by society. She is an authoritative professional and a deeply sensual woman and simply refuses to accept the proposition that those things are at odds.

Anyway after brunch we drove home. I had accidentally left my briefcase which I needed early the next day at a jobsite. Darren was going to be there inspecting the house (he liked to do that during quiet times) and so the door would be open. I knew this because I had texted him about getting into the house.

As I dropped off my husband Bill and drove to the jobsite I was aware of the butterflies in my stomach. That always happened when I knew I would see him. His truck was at the house but he was inside.

As I entered the front hall I saw myself in a newly installed full length mirror and realized just how far from a work type outfit I was wearing. Darren came around the corner and sort of paused. The he said " Wow Lara you look, um, gorgeous. You look fucking gorgeous. Um sorry, but..." He said motioning his hand towards me. It was self-evident that he was looking at more than my face.

"It's ok. Thanks." I said. "I am just coming back from brunch on a warm patio so this was kind of the right thing." I said wondering if my nipples were showing all of a sudden. You just can't wear a bra with this dress and while it does have built in support it is designed for display.

Yes I should have said I was at a brunch with my husband but I didn't.

"Would you like a beer?"

"Pardon."

"A beer. Would you like a beer? Sorry the selection is limited." He said now smiling his usual warm comfortable smile. "Most weekends I grab a couple beers and inspect a house. It's tougher to stand back and take a thorough look sometimes while all the activity and people talking to me. The site supervisors do a great job but an extra pair of eyes always helps."

"Well I don't want to take your last beer." I said genuinely but also knowing by the way he was looking at me he would give me his last anything. Still as viscerally as he wanted me, I wanted him just as much...if not more.

"It's ok I bought a case. There were none in my fridge so I grabbed it on the way here." He walked ahead of me into the kitchen at the far end of the main floor. This project was close to complete so the fridge was in and running. Darren pulled the last sip out of the beer he has in his hand and put the empty on the counter. He opened the fridge and grabbed two beers, leaving two more.

"Do you usually go through five beers while inspecting?

He laughed. "No the quality of the inspection would definitely start to deteriorate. You told me you were coming."

As he turned to get the beers I finally took the chance to look down at my breasts. Yup, hard and erect. They were even heaving for fuck sake. I was trying to turn it down but well...big tits, hard nipples, skimpy dress, high heels, viral gorgeous man I know I want. All those thoughts coursing through my brain so of course my pussy was getting wet...fuck, fuck, fuck...I couldn't get it under control and didn't really want to. I wanted him to fuck me.

Darren opened both bottles and handed me one. There was no furniture in the house yet but there was a table height extension to the counter. I shimmied my butt up on that and Darren leaned against another counter a few feet away. We managed to chat comfortably while swimming through the palpable sexual tension for several minutes. But I was drinking a little faster than normal.

When I finished my beer Darren took the empty as well as his own and placed it on a side counter. Instead of going to the fridge he came and stood directly in front of me. Without a word he leaned in and kissed me. I put my arms around his neck and kissed him back.

My knees were in the way so I spread them. He moved himself to the edge of the counter and placed his powerful hands on my waist, pulling me towards him. We slowly explored each others mouths as he put is hands on my thighs. They seemed to cover my creamy white skin as he ran his fingers further up. He drew his fingers up to my panties in no time.

No man had ever been so forward with me. I wasn't supposed to allow it...not as a good girl, or wife or independent woman...but I did. When he looped his fingers into either side of my skimpy panties and gently tugged them down I lifted up one side of my butt then the other so he could peel them off of me. He stepped away a few inches and I closed my legs so he could get them off. Then he stepped back into me and gently spread my legs running his hands of the inside of my thighs. Darren brushed the folds of my pussy before moving his hands up to gently peel off each of my shoulder straps and pull my dress down to my waist. I leaned in and kissed him hungrily as his big hands cradled each of my big tits.

Then he gently pushed me onto my back and kissed his way down over my neck, stopping on each breast to suckle my hard nipples before making a trail all the way down to my throbbing pussy. With a firm upturned tongue Darren parted my pussy lips starting first at the base where he could taste and breath in my sex. He slowly traced upward parting me all the way until he reached my clit. There he paused to lick and tease and suck every so gently until we both felt it get hard.

After he was sure I was wet (which I had been since before I walked in the door) he enjoyed a few more licks and stood up. It seemed like it took forever for him to remove his clothes while I lay there naked, legs in the air and spread out waiting.

If there was hesitation or ambivalence surely I wouldn't just wait there like that open and waiting? Yes I was caught up in the moment but it wasn't all rushed. I waited patiently, playing with my tits and offering myself to him exactly as he wanted.

When Darren finally peeled of his underwear I gasped in surprise at the size of his dick. It is a least 10" and thick. Far more than I had ever had.

In one smooth motion he stepped into me and gently painted the front of my pussy with the head of his enormous cock. I was frankly a bit worried but I tamped it down and let him take me. Once his cock head was part way into me he moved his hands to my waist. As he entered me I felt my pussy lips and walls expand more than ever before. It wasn't like I was a virgin or anything and I had played with more than a few larger toys, but still nothing like the way Darren spread me open that first time.