Sharing Is Caring

This is dedicated to Matt Moreau of 'Loving Wives' fame.

***

THE CHARACTERS:

Bob - Husband, 42 years old, 5' 5", 240 lbs., auburn hair, green eyes

Jenny - Wife, 39 years old, 5' 7", 124 lbs., 34-24-35, auburn hair, brown eyes

Derek - Lothario, 34 years old, 6' 2", 185 lbs., blonde hair, blue eyes

Bert - Bartender, 53 years old, 5' 9", 300 lbs., shaved head, brown eyes

***

SCENE ONE - Bob and Jenny's living room

Bob: Alright Jenny, you said it was an emergency so I drove home as fast as I could. What's so important that you couldn't tell me over the phone? (Pauses) And who's this?

Jenny: Well, that's the reason that I wanted you to come home early. (Takes deep breath) I wanted to introduce you to Derek.

Bob: Jenny, introducing me to your friends isn't an emergency! You could've introduced us over lunch or coffee during the weekend. I was actually swamped with work at the office and I dropped everything to come home for this?! Dear God, I thought there was a fire or a break-in or some-

Jenny: Bob, stop ranting! This is an emergency. I'm horny.

Bob: (Pauses) Being horny is an emergency?! We have sex almost every night, honey! If you wanted to do something special or romantic tonight, we could've talked about it over the phone and I could've arranged something! (Lowers voice) But I don't think it's appropriate to talk about our sex life in front of your friend.

Jenny: That's the thing, Bob, I've already arranged something. Derek isn't just a friend. He's my lover.

(Cue chirping crickets)

Bob: He's what?

Jenny: He's my lover, or at least he's about to be. We've never actually had sex yet, but I'm planning to take him upstairs to the bedroom and do just that. I didn't want to do this behind your back; that would be cheating. So, I wanted you both to meet first.

(Cue plane flying overhead)

Derek: (Clears throat) It's good to meet you, Bob.

Bob: You want me to break your hand, is that it? Is that why you're sticking your hand out like that? I ought to smash your teeth in, you wife-stealing son-of-a-

Jenny: (Raises voice) Bob! There's no need to be vulgar! Besides, if you both did get into a fight, Derek would mop the floor with you, and I'd still be taking him upstairs.

Derek: (Chuckles) It's okay, Jenny. If Bob wants to tangle, I don't mind the foreplay. It'll just be a light workout before our private session.

Bob: Jenny, this is insane! You're horny, so you call me to come home to introduce me to this jackass?! I'm your husband! I'm supposed to take care of things when you're horny! I can't believe you'd do this to us, to our marriage! Don't you love me anymore?

Jenny: Oh, Bob; of course I still love you. You're my husband and you've always taken good care of me for the past fourteen years that we've been married. You're smart, you're sweet, you're romantic and you've a steady job with good pay-

Bob: And all that isn't enough?!

Derek: Bob, she's trying to let you down easy here. You're steady and dependable. That means you're boring. Nothing wrong with that; you're an accountant, you're supposed to be boring.

Bob: I'm not talking to you, asshole! I'm having a conversation with my wife! You're not even welcome in this house, so why don't you take your dinky dong and your fast-food minimum-wage salary and get out of here?!

Jenny: Don't be crass, honey. Derek's my guest, so he is welcome in this house. And he doesn't have a small penis.

Bob: And how do you know that? I thought you said that you haven't had sex with him yet?!

Jenny: Well...

Derek: Buddy, I earn in a month what you make in a year. Jenny, you may not count hand-jobs and blowjobs as sex-

Bob: WHAT?!

Jenny: Honey, there's no need to shout. As I was saying, Derek and I have never actually had sex yet, but I'm dying to find out if I can fit all of Derek's nine-inches inside me. I've only ever touched Derek's penis and put it in my mouth just the once... maybe twice... and I've never been able to deep-throat him. Bob, you were my first; until now you were my only. Your five inches do the job just fine-

Bob: Five-and-a-half!

Jenny: Alright baby, five-and-a-half. I almost always get there with you, and it's always good when we make love. But-

Derek: But five inches of rubber can't compare to nine inches of steel.

Bob: FIVE-AND-A-HALF! And what's this about 'almost always'?

Derek: And Jenny, I'll make sure all nine inches fits nice in that tight, wet pussy.

Bob: Why the hell are you even talking to us, asshole? Why are you even still here? Didn't I just tell you to fucking leave?! You get out of my house right now!

Derek: If you point that finger at me one more time, it'll be assault. And when I break it and punch you in your flabby guts, it'll be self-defense.

(Cue ringside boxing bell)

Jenny: Boys! There's no need to get violent! Now Bob, all this arguing is giving me a headache, but I'm still horny and I'm taking Derek upstairs whether you want me to or not.

Bob: You've never wanted to have sex when you have a headache. Was that just an excuse you reserve for me?

Jenny: Oh honey, don't be mad. Nothing's changed between us. We'll still be making love like we always do; the only difference now is that you'll be sharing my time with Derek.

Bob: Why the hell would I want to share my wife with an asshole?!

Jenny: You're always going on and on about how people should share more often, how sharing is caring-

Bob: I was talking about paper clips and French fries!

Jenny: (Sighs) Oh honey, it's neither here nor there. You'll see; Derek and I having sex won't get in the way of anything. And I might learn a new trick or two that we can use to spice up our sex life. Derek, let's go upstairs.

Derek: Lead the way, pretty lady. Hey Bob, you can come watch us if you want; you might learn something.

Bob: Why the hell would I want to watch you fuck my wife?! And where the hell are you both going?! We're not done here yet!

Jenny: Yes we are, Bob. You came home, and you've met Derek. You're not going to fight him, and you're not going to kick up a fuss about this. He and I are going upstairs now, so you should get back to the office. Derek, are you coming?

Derek: Right behind you. And then you'll be coming, over and over!

(Cue cheesy 70's porn music)

Fade to black

***

SCENE TWO - Bert's Bar and Grill

Bob: Hey Bert, give me a double scotch, neat.

Bert: A bit early in the afternoon for scotch, isn't it? Shouldn't you be at the office?

Bob: I should, but I'm not.

Bert: Work troubles? You got fired or something?

Bob: No, I didn't get fired.

Bert: Your secretary's pregnant and you're the father?

Bob: No!

Bert: It's your boss' daughter, then.

Bob: Nobody's pregnant! I'm not screwing anyone at work! Work is fine; just give me my drink, will you?

Bert: Alright, no need to shout, I'm right in front of you. I'm just making conversation here, you know, like those bartenders you read about on those erotic story websites. (Cocks head at reader)

Bob: Sorry for snapping at you, Bert. I'm just a little on edge. (Gulps down drink) Hit me again.

Bert: Take it easy with the drinks there, buddy. You still need to get home after. (Pauses) Or is it home troubles?

Bob: Home troubles it is, Bert. Jenny's screwing some jack-off right now. Dirk, Dork or whatever his name is. She even introduced me to the guy before she took him upstairs. (Gulps down drink) Hit me again.

Bert: She introduced the guy to you? Damn, that hurts. Here, this one's on the house.

Bob: Thanks.

Bert: So, he's at your home fucking your wife in your bedroom, and you're here getting drunk. Shouldn't you be over there beating the tar out of this guy and kicking his ass out the front door?

Bob: C'mon, Bert. Look at me! I'm overweight, out of shape, and the last fight I got into was with Sally Albright in sixth grade, and she kicked the shit out of me. If I tried to rough up this Dork guy to get him to leave Jenny alone, he'd kick my ass and throw me out of my own house, and he'd still fuck my wife! I'm not some tech-savvy, Navy SEAL, Special Ops superspy playboy millionaire like those guys you read about online. (Cocks head at reader)

Bert: Well, getting drunk and burying your head in the sand isn't going to make the problem go away. Or is your wife planning on making this a one-time thing?

Bob: One-time thing or not, it's one time too many. Besides, it seems that she's been cozy with this guy long before today. Bitch.

Bert: Maybe I'm reading too much into that, but it doesn't sound like you'd be taking your wife back after she's done with this fling or whatever. You considering divorce?

Bob: I'm still thinking hard about that.

Bert: Pussy.

Bob: What's that supposed to mean?

Bert: It means you're thinking about staying with your wife because of her pussy. It also means you're thinking of staying with your wife because you're a pussy.

Bob: Go to hell, Bert!

Bert: If I did, who'd listen to your woes and ply you with drinks? Besides, I'm not the one who's thinking of staying married to a woman who's blatantly cheating on me. If you stay married to her, you won't have to go to hell. You'd already be there.

Bob: Easy for you to say. You don't love that stupid bitch.

Bert: And I know that you do.

Bob: Anyway, if I did divorce Jenny, she'd get half of everything and I have to pay her alimony on top of everything else. 'Thanks for cheating on me, Jenny. Here, have some money'! What's the point of going to court if all you'll do is make rich lawyers richer? (Gulps down drink) Hit me again.

Bert: There you go. It's your last one, though.

Bob: (Sighs) Say I do divorce her, Bert. Say the courts are shockingly merciful and I happen to come out even, more or less. When the dust settles, who'd want to be with a divorced, 40-something, short, overweight, boring accountant? Especially one who has to live in a crappy one-bedroom apartment after he has to sell his house and split the proceeds with his ex-wife?

(Cue weeping violins)

Bert: If you're going to convince yourself to stay married to your wife, it seems to me that you need to find a way to keep her from straying in the future.

Bob: I'm thinking hard about that one, too.

(Cue 'Final Jeopardy' music)

Bert: Don't over-complicate your strategies. Keep it simple. You're an accountant; what are your strengths?

Bob: (Sighs) I don't have much, at least not any that I can use in this situation.

Bert: Okay, then use somebody else's strengths. (Pauses) What about Ernie?

Bob: Ernie?

Bert: Yeah, Ernie.

Bob: Ernie of 'Ernie's House of Chinese Cuisine' Ernie? I do his taxes for him, I help him keep his account sheets balanced, what about it?

Bert: Finish your drink, and then give him a call. Share your troubles with him; sharing is caring, after all. I have a feeling that he can help you get your accounts balanced.

Fade to black

***

SCENE THREE - Bert's Bar and Grill

Bob: Hey Bert, give me a double scotch, on the rocks.

Bert: A perfect time of the evening for scotch. Where've you been these last couple of weeks? Haven't seen you drag your feet in here since that afternoon.

Bob: I was just lying low; keeping myself busy at the office, taking care of Jenny when I'm home-

Bert: Still keeping her around, I take it?

Bob: Still keeping her around. What can I say? I love her. (Sips drink)

Bert: Not worried about her screwing around on you anymore?

Bob: Not for the foreseeable future, no. And thanks for your good advice, by the way.

Bert: My pleasure. (Pauses) What'd you mean by 'taking care of Jenny'? What happened?

Bob: Some guy broke into our house a few days ago. He took off with some jewelry, my watches, the blender and the coffee machine. (Sips drink) Jenny was alone when it happened, but I came home just in time to scare the guy off and call the cops; the guy didn't hurt her too bad, and thank goodness she wasn't raped...

Bert: I can only imagine the trauma she's feeling.

Bob: I had to install a security system in the house, just to make her feel a little safer. But now she's scared to be home alone at night; she's always calling me to find out when I'm coming home.

Bert: Ah, the knight in shining armor.

Bob: I don't know about that. But it does feel good to be needed. (Sips drink)

Bert: At least she's looking to you for comfort, and not somebody else. (Pause) Whatever happened to that guy Dirk, or Dork or whatever his name is?

Bob: I don't know if I should get into details.

Bert: C'mon, you can tell me. Think of me as a priest. Confess your sins.

Bob: (Pauses) First priest I've ever known that encourages imbibing alcohol. (Sips drink)

Bert: You want to spill your guts and you know it. Go ahead, unburden yourself.

Bob: Well, let's just say that Ernie's been a good friend-

Bert: I'm glad you took my advice and called him.

Bob: Yeah, and let's just say that Ernie has been very... sympathetic... in helping me deal with my problems.

Bert: Everybody needs friends.

Bob: Don't I know it. By the way, there was that unfortunate incident two weeks ago involving a mugging. Did you read about that in the paper?

Bert: I only read the sports section and the funnies.

Bob: Here, let me read it to you. (Pulls out newspaper clipping from wallet) 'A local resident was mugged and sexually assaulted in the alley behind Dominic's Gym on South Street late Tuesday evening. The victim, Derek Jones age 34, was taken to Field's Memorial Hospital for treatment of his injuries and is currently recuperating under intensive care. Mr. Jones has been unable to identify his assailant, and at this time the police have been unable to locate any witnesses to the crime, as well as linking it to any other muggings that have occurred in the past. The public is requested to come forward with any information relating to this incident.'

Bert: Intensive care? What did Ernie do to him?

Bob: Who said it was Ernie? I didn't say it was Ernie. Did anybody say it was Ernie?

Bert: Alright, it wasn't Ernie! So you don't know who, or what, happened to this Derek Jones guy.

Bob: I only know what's reported in the papers. (Sips drink) And what the nurses at the hospital tell me when I went to visit.

Bert: You visited him?!

Bob: Only as a concerned citizen. Anyway, I was already at the hospital 'visiting' my 'Aunt Martha', and I just happened to stroll by the ICU on the way out.

Bert: And?

Bob: (Chuckling) Two black eyes, broken nose, split lip, missing teeth, six broken ribs, a dislocated shoulder, three broken fingers on his right hand, four broken fingers on his left hand, shattered left knee, sprained right ankle, and they're doing all they can to save his testicles.

Bert: I'm confused. I don't see how any of that can be considered sexual assault.

Bob: Yeah, about that. (Pauses) It seems that 'somebody' shoved a nine-inch piece of rebar up his ass.

(Cue blaring foghorn)

Bert: Let me top up that scotch for you. (Pauses) Well, it seems that Mr. Derek Jones is physically feeling a little bit of the emotional pain he put you through.

Bob: Well, sharing is caring, after all. Now he's sharing my misery.

Bert: So the temptation's been removed, but there'll be others in the future.

Bob: (Sips drink) I realize that, but I try not to lose sleep worrying about it. Besides, I get the feeling that Jenny's preoccupied with trying to keep me at home. Speak of the devil, that's her calling now. (Answers phone) Hello? ... I'm at Bert's... it's just one scotch, Jenny... considering what our marriage and our lives have been through these past few days, I think I'm entitled... don't worry, I'm not going anywhere... you'll have to be brave for a few minutes longer until I get home... you can do it... I know you're scared; if I'd gone through what you did and I'd been hurt during the break-in, I'd be scared, too... that's why we installed the alarm system, right? ... I'll be home before you know it... don't forget our appointment with Dr. McCoy tomorrow afternoon... okay, bye... (Sips drink) What'd I owe you for the scotch?

Bert: Four-fifty. You're pretty calm for a guy facing the stress of a home invasion and a cheating wife.

Bob: I've got liquor to calm my nerves, and I've got friends like you and Ernie with shoulders that I can cry on. Besides, I just squeeze Jenny's wedding ring in my hand and it reminds me to hold on to the good things in my marriage. (Sips drink)

Bert: You're carrying Jenny's wedding ring with you? How come she doesn't just wear it?

Bob: A bit hard for her to wear it, considering that she's now missing her ring finger. (Finishes drink)

(Cue 'Psycho' shower scene music)

Fade to black