Screw or Bolt

Well, at least I'll get some free beer out of this, I thought, as I saw Dick walk into the Clubhouse. I'd caught him right after he had fucked my wife, and was going to kick his ass for it. We were pretty evenly matched, but I was sure I was going to win, when he caught me with a lucky punch, right to the diaphragm, and put me out of the fight. He apologized, said that he didn't know that Leigh was married, and, after he told me the line she used on him, I knew that he was telling the truth, because she's used it on me a couple of times.

Leigh tried to take care of me after Dick put me on the ground, but I was still furious with her. I guess one good thing about losing the fight was that I was in no condition to hit Leigh, because I was seeing red, and just might have done it. Instead, after I recovered enough, I grabbed some of my clothes and stormed out, telling her that I was divorcing her skanky ass, and leaving her sitting on the front porch, crying.

Anyway, I was most of the way through my first mug of draft when Dick walked in and saw me; a couple minutes later he was at my table, with a pitcher of dark beer.

"Max, how're you doing?" he asked me.

"I'm doing OK, I guess." We talked about work and stupid stuff. Dick wasn't my friend, and would never be my friend, but I guess that, in a way, he did me a favor, showing me just what a slut I'd married. If it hadn't been him, it'd've been some other stud.

Still, I could see that something was on his mind, and finally he opened up about it.

"Listen, Max, I know that I might be outta line on this, but have you and Leigh actually gotten divorced yet?"

"No, not yet. Divorce costs money, and while I've got a bit of money saved, I ain't exactly rolling in dough. Why?"

"Well, it's like this. I saw Leigh, from a distance, just yesterday, with Richard in the park. I don't think that she saw me, but, if she did, she didn't show it at all. Thing is, she's still alone, man, still alone."

"BFD. We both know that she won't stay alone."

"Yeah, probably, but you know, maybe the man she needs is you."

"What the fuck are you talking about? She cheated on me, and that's the end of it."

"Well, maybe you never cheated on her, I don't know, but were you exactly a perfect husband? Did you ever do anything wrong?"

"Yeah, I did some stupid stuff, but I never screwed around on her, never!"

"OK, so what would happen if you just admitted to Leigh that you've both made mistakes, and you want to try to patch things back together?"

"Dude, you are stepping into stuff that's

way

none of your business."

"Maybe it's not, but tell the truth: haven't you at least thought about it? Don't you miss her?"

That fucking asshole was right: I had thought about it, and I did miss her, but every time I thought about it, I'd just get pissed off again. I didn't answer him, and I guess that he knew from that that he'd hit the nail on the head.

"Look, Max, you and I have made our peace, even if we aren't exactly best buddies. If you can just try to forgive Leigh, pretty much the way you've managed to put what happened behind you as far as I'm concerned, maybe you two could work this thing out. What would it hurt you to try?"

"Dude, it could hurt a

lot

to try. What if we got back together and she pulled this shit again?"

"You wouldn't be any worse off then than you are now. And if Leigh is capable of learning from her mistakes, I think that she'd realize what would happen if she ever cheated again. You walking out had to hurt her, big time."

I had finished what was left of the mug I had bought, and took a big pull on the dark beer that Dick had gotten us. Problem is, he hadn't said one single thing that I hadn't already thought of myself. I missed Leigh, I missed having a woman, a

wife

to come home to, and I even missed little Richard.

"C'mon, Max, you know I'm right. The only thing standing in your way right now is your own stupid pride." Damn, that asshole hit the nail on the head

again!

I wanted to hit him, but starting a fight in the Clubhouse would only get me thrown in jail, and we were too evenly matched for me to win before they pulled us apart.

"So, you want me to just swallow my pride, and walk down to that apartment, and ask Leigh to let me back in, is that it?"

"It ain't swallowing your pride, Max, it's called being strong, being a man. It'll take a lot more strength and courage to do that than it will to just sit here, drinking beer, waiting until you've got enough cash for a cheap divorce lawyer. It might not even work, but if it doesn't, at least you can tell yourself that you tried. But if it does work, you've got your wife back, and you've got your life back."

"Dick, you're asking a lot, man."

"Max, do you ever go to church?" Huh? He sure changed things up with that one.

"I haven't since I moved away from my parents' home. My mom, she made us go to church every Sunday."

"Well, you remember that part of the Lord's Prayer that goes, 'Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who have trespassed against us'? If you're still a Christian, you know that God is measuring his forgiveness to us on how we will forgive others."

Nothing was settled that Saturday night, but Dick had put my mind in a turmoil. I knew that I wanted to forgive Leigh, that I wanted her back, knew it more than ever, but I just didn't know if I could get over that last hurdle to take the step needed to try and make that happen.

I was horny, and had been horny. I hadn't had any luck with girls since I stormed out on Leigh, but, to tell you the truth, I hadn't really tried. If some hot chick had come up to me, wanting to fuck, yeah, I guess that I'd have done it, but the truth was that, while I was certainly horny enough, I wasn't seeing any girls that really interested me.

Well, there

was

Lisa, the bartender at the Clubhouse, who was always good fantasy material when I was taking care of my horniness by myself. But when I started that this time, while I tried to think about Lisa, my mind kept drifting back to Leigh. I managed to finish what I had started, but it was hardly the best solo session I'd ever had. I consoled myself with the thought that if I did try to go back to Leigh, at least I wouldn't shoot off in fourteen seconds.

I woke up Sunday morning, after not having slept much, and figured, heck, maybe I just ought to go to church this morning, and maybe talk to the pastor afterwards, and see what he'd say. Dick had stuck that thought in my mind, and as much as I hated to admit it, it kind of made sense.

Of course, I knew what the minister would say: he'd say the same thing Dick said, about forgiveness. I didn't know, maybe it would be easier to take that final step if someone other than the guy who'd fucked my wife told me to do it.

I wasn't a member of any church, but I knew that there was this big red brick Christian Church, of some denomination or other, across the street from the park, so it was within walking distance. I looked in the Yellow Pages, and it was listed, complete with Sunday Services times. They had services at 10:30, and I had plenty of time to make that.

Holy crap, this church was big! The main part of the church was huge, but it was clearly oversized, not being but a quarter full. I sat, not all the way in the back, but pretty much behind all of the other church-goers.

The minister was fairly young, and he seemed enthusiastic about his job, delivering a good sermon. At home, our preacher was a Hellfire-and-brimstone type, and I never really cared for him, but this guy was a quieter sort, a man who spoke with the people at least as much as he spoke to them.

When the service was over, the minister and a woman whom I guess was his wife walked to the front doors, to shake hands with everybody as they departed. I was kind of torn between wanting to talk to him, and wanting to just get the Hell out, because I knew it would hurt to tell him the whole truth. Dick had said that it would take more courage to face up to what I knew I had to do than avoid it, so I sat in my pew, until everyone else had risen and was ahead of me walking out.

"Good morning, sir, it's good to see you this morning," the minister greeted me, with a genuine-looking smile on his face. More, his wife was standing beside him, and she was smiling as well, a pleasant, genuine, friendly smile.

"Minister Spanarkle," I said, having gotten his name from the bulletin board out front, "do you have a few minutes we could talk?"

"Absolutely, sir. I didn't catch your name?"

"It's Max, Maxwell Schlenner."

"OK, great. And please, call me Sam. This is my wife, who's also named Sam! Do we need to speak alone, or can Sam stay with us? Really, she's a better minister to this church than I am, but together, well together we just seem to make things work."

That was actually pretty cool, Samuel and Samantha married, and both calling each other Sam. But what was even better was the obvious love and respect that they had for each other. Trouble is, whether I loved Leigh, and I guessed that I still did, I didn't know if she still loved me. What I did know was that she had disrespected me.

The two Sams led me down to a room marked Pastor's Study, a wood-paneled office full of books, with some somewhat worn-looking couches. They motioned me to one couch, while they took another; they weren't going to put a desk in between us.

It was hard to get started with my story, and they could both tell that I was struggling with it; it was Mrs Sam who managed to coax enough out of me to start telling the whole story. Between them, the wife managed to talk about the love a man has for his wife, and her husband who was talking about respect, mutual respect.

It really didn't take too long for them to get to the heart of the matter: I had to regain my respect for Leigh, and to do that I had to find it in my heart to forgive her. It was really that simple: if I could find it in my heart to forgive her, everything could work out. If I couldn't, I might as well keep moving toward the divorce. The Sams even volunteered to go with me to Leigh's apartment, to try to get the ball rolling. Or, if I'd prefer, they could call Leigh on the phone, and ask her to meet us at the church. Mrs Sam even offered to walk down to Leigh's apartment alone, and ask her to meet us at the church, just whatever I thought would work out best. One thing was obvious: these two people would do whatever it took to save our marriage. If two virtual strangers were willing to do this for us, how could I do any less?

But there was more, something I hadn't considered. Even though it was Leigh who had cheated on me, she still had to be willing to forgive me for walking out, for abandoning her. That idea just floored me, but listening to Mrs Sam explain it, it kind of made sense. I had walked out, in a rage, upsetting Leigh and terrifying little Richard, showing as little respect for my wife and family as Leigh had shown me.

"That's going to be the hardest part for you, Max, because the best way, probably the

only

way you can approach your wife with this, is to start by apologizing for abandoning her, and asking her to forgive you."

Huh? Leigh had cheated on me, and now the minister's wife was telling me that I needed to ask Leigh to forgive me?

I was the one who was wronged, not her!

"I can see that's hard for you," Mrs Sam said, "and it will take as much strength and courage as you can muster, but it's the best way for you to open this up with your wife."

Then the minister Sam added, "Look, I know that you feel that you were wronged first, and wronged worse, but if you are looking at this as some sort of contest, trying to keep some sort of score on this, it's not going to work for you. If you're looking for what's 'fair' somehow, you'll never find it. It's not going to be fair, it will never be fair, but that's just the way it is."

"Look at it this way, Max," Mrs Sam again, "Leigh cheated on you for what, maybe an hour, but you've abandoned her for five months now."

"This is the biggest step you have to make, Max." The minister Sam again. Damn, they sure did work as a team on this stuff! "If you can take this one step, this one step more than you'd planned on taking, you'll have done as much as you possibly can, and if anything can save your marriage, this will be it."

I just sat there, stunned, trying to take in what they had said, and trying to come to grips with the idea of asking Leigh to forgive me, when she had been the one who cheated. I started thinking that, somehow, this would make me a bigger man, but I knew that the Sams would tell me that this was no competition, and couldn't be a competition, or it would never work.

They gave me a choice, a choice to swallow my pride, and regain my wife, or keep going the way I had been going, and lose Leigh forever. I just sat there, thinking about this, when Mrs Sam reached over to take my hand, as if to give me the strength I needed to do this. They both offered me any help they could give me, both offered to come with me to Leigh's apartment, but I mumbled something to the effect that I had to do this alone.

"Max," the minister said, "whatever happens here, please come back next Sunday and let us know."

So, I started the slow walk up East High Street, toward Leigh's apartment. I already knew: I had to do this, now, or I'd never get up the nerve to try it again. I kept working it out in my mind, and settled on what I was going to say: 'Leigh, I love you, please forgive me for walking out on you.' That was what the Sams has said I'd need to do, and I had to rehearse it to get it right. Repetition helped, getting the words down pat; if I was actually going to do this, I had to get it right.

Thing is, I didn't know what would happen. Leigh could accept, and apologize as well, she could refuse, and say that it was time to move on, she could slam the door in my face, or, heck, she might have already replaced me; there might even be a guy there. I was worried, but I still kept practicing my opening line, until I got to the corner of Preston Court.

Leigh and I had lived in this not-very-big apartment, a student slums type in a house that had been subdivided. It was cold, late January, the ugly part of winter in Lexington, with bare trees, old leaves on the ground, no snow, and a dried brown look to everything. The whole scene was depressing, and it wasn't helping my mood or my confidence. Being this cold, at least Richard wasn't playing outside; I didn't want him running in and alerting Leigh that I was there. I walked up to the apartment porch - it was actually a back porch on the old house - took a deep breath to steel myself for what I had to do, and knocked on the door.

For a few seconds, I thought that maybe no one was home, until Leigh finally opened the door, a look of surprise on her face. If I hadn't rehearsed what I was going to say, I'm not sure that I'd have gotten it out, but I managed. "Leigh, I love you, please forgive me for walking out on you."

I guess that it was really only a couple of seconds that she stood there, with a stunned look on her face, but it seemed like forever. Then she tore open the screen door and threw her arms around me and started kissing me with abandon. "Oh, my God, Max!" was all that she got out, before pulling me into the house.

Richard was there, as Leigh pulled me in, saying "Daddy's home!" Richard looked at me the way only a little kid can, and then came up to hug me.

In a way, this might have helped. Richard had to show me what he had done in preschool, and just take time with having his daddy back. No, I wasn't his biological father, but I was the only daddy he ever knew. At any rate, that gave Leigh time to process what was happening.

Richard and Leigh and I played together, just like any happy family, until near 4:00 PM. By then the little tyke was getting tired, so Leigh put him down for his nap. Naturally, that meant it was time to talk, and there was a

lot

to talk about. She sat down on the couch beside me, and started crying, bawling that she'd never, ever cheat again, and begging me to forgive her. I realized that I already had, or I wouldn't have ever knocked on the door. I knew that I'd been a jerk myself, and apologized for that. A lot of hugging and kissing later, she asked me the important question, "You're staying tonight, aren't you?"

"Yup, sure am, at least, if you'll have me."

"Oh, God, you know I will, you know I will." More kissing and hugging.

In a way, it was kind of strange: after we worked out that we were staying together, we fell right back into the same routines as before. Leigh didn't have much food in the place - she was dirt poor, and relying on WIC and food stamps at this point - but she didn't want me to leave to go to the store. "Can we wait until Richard wakes from his nap, and all go together?" she asked me, and I knew what she wanted, she wanted to be with me every moment that she could.

So, we did the normal things, washing the dishes from what Richard and she had for lunch, and making a grocery list. Around 6:00, she woke up Richard, so that we could all go to the store. We had to walk a ways, to get to where my car was parked in front of the place I had been staying, before driving to the supermarket.

Leigh had her food stamp card, but I didn't use it. I wasn't wealthy by any means, just a working class guy, but I had enough money to buy us a full two carts of groceries. Fact is, since we broke up, all that I did was work and eat and sleep, so my paychecks weren't getting destroyed. My bills were paid, and I had food in my own place, though it was mostly junk.

Leigh and Richard hadn't had much of a Christmas, and not much of a Christmas dinner, either. Their few friends had all gone home to parents for the holiday, and Leigh and Richard ate at the Christmas dinner for the poor put on by the Sams' church. It looks like I have more to be thankful to the Sams for than I realized. When she told me that, I had to tell her about my meeting with them earlier today; the only thing I left out was the fact that Dick had tried to push me into this in the first place. Yeah, I guess that, in a strange way, I kind of owed him, but if it hadn't been for him, I'd never have walked out in the first place. But mentioning Dick's involvement would bring up a really uncomfortable subject, so I left out that part. Tonight, we'd have a nice dinner.

Richard was playing again after dinner, and we pretty much just sat on the couch watching him. Leigh was cuddled up against me, holding my hand, and I realized just how right all of this felt. Still, I had to be worried: everything was right now, but everything had been right before, before it all fell apart. I had to make myself believe that Leigh would keep her promise never to mess around on me again. My heart wanted to believe that, but I still needed to get my head screwed on right to not worry about it.

Around 8:00, Leigh put Richard down for the night, on the sofa bed he used when we were together before, and then led me into the bedroom. I could see that she was a bit hesitant, wanting to make love but worried that it wouldn't go well, or that I'd somehow see sex with her differently. And, truth be told, that had crossed my mind. I mean, I knew that she'd slept with other men before she met me, and I never really worried about that, but she'd screwed Dick after we'd been married, and I was insecure enough to wonder just whose face she'd be seeing when she closed her eyes.

But once we were actually in bed, I stopped worrying. I'm not sure how I knew, but I knew, she was in bed with me, not just physically, but in her head and in her heart. She was all there, with me, and not with anybody else.