Sarah and Tim

Tim

I met Sarah at university. It really was love at first sight. She was quiet, petite and pretty without being stunning beautiful. Like me she was a practising Christian, and actually came from a church family. She was socially conscious and felt poverty and oppression very deeply and personally. Occasionally she would be in tears watching the news when something really horrible was on. She graduated in English, me in law. I was ambitious career wise, Sarah wanted to get married and have children.

We got married straight after university - I would say we were very happy together.

Sarah

Two years later Tim fell ill with some virus. He was in hospital for two weeks including a spell in intensive care. They never found what it was, but it left Tim totally unable to have children. That is to say, he has not just sterile but had lost the ability to make love completely, and the doctors were certain it would never come back.

Tim collapsed into black depression, he needed medicines, counselling didn't really help and deep inside I knew he was afraid that I would leave him. We had decided to put off having children for a while and now he couldn't.

Tim

What do you do when you effectively lose your manhood? You've married the girl of your dreams and now what? You cry and get grumpy and get enclosed in yourself and jealous of other men. And you fear for the future. And you row with your wife in your frustration and anger and the unfairness of it all when she's the best friend you have.

Sarah

We were in bed caressing and cuddling. That was an achievement. For months he wouldn't come close to me. Just being with me in bed reminded him of his loss. I was careful to protect him and not make him too embarrassed and was ultra careful where I put my hands. He now saw himself as a total failure.

I reminded him of our wedding vows, 'for better or worse, in sickness and in health' and told him that I took this totally seriously. I would never ever leave him no matter what happened. We would just have to pick up the pieces and carry on and be happy for what we had.

Tim

I never deserved a girl like Sarah. I would - however reluctantly - have understood if she wanted to split up. She (we actually) wanted children and now I could never give her one. I would have been devastated - but I would have understood.

I eventually summoned up my courage and told her that I understood that she had needs which I couldn't fulfil anymore. If she still wanted to stay with me I would understood if she was occasionally away for a couple of days.

Sarah

I'm certainly not a particularly physical girl, but I did need sex occasionally and Tim was mature enough and loving enough to realise that in a way that we would never split up over it. That must have cost him a lot, but a couple of times I did shack up with guys I had met online. I always kept my name and address secret and there was never any comeback. There was nothing to it, just mechanical and physical. I did it just to relieve stress

Tim

I hated those weekends when Sarah was away. There were only a very few but I still hated it. I tried not to think about what she would be doing, or with whom, but of course I couldn't help it. I tried to be good Christian and it wasn't fair on her to expect her to be celibate from now on just because of me. Sarah told me that she understood and was grateful for my understanding - but that she would never ever leave me. I told her that I would willingly give up five per cent of her as long as I kept the remaining 95 per cent.

Sarah

We could afford for me not to have to do a real job, and instead volunteer for things I thought worthwhile. So I spent two days a week at the church office, and it was there I met Johnson. He was an African refugee under constant threat of deportation. He told me he was a teacher back home but coundn't work here. A while later he told me more of what it was like...he had been forced to watch while soldiers raped his wife before taking her away. He never heard from them again, and fled. He thought his wife would probably have ended up in an army brothel somewhere. He could hardly bear to think about it.

A few days later he told me he wanted to sleep with me. He pleaded with me saying that he hadn't had sex for five years, he was depressed about himself and guilt-ridden over what he saw as his failure to save his wife. He told me he wanted to get his life back on track and he couldn't do so without help. He told me that I was the only girl he could ever talk to about this.

I ended up saying I would have to discuss it with Tim or it would be dishonest.

Tim

Sarah had had a couple of assignations as I had suggested. She never told me any details and I never asked. After a few days away she would come back to me restored and I was happy.

She did tell me about this guy at work though - this wasn't just about her occasional needs - his story was so tragic and awful and if we could help him recover than as Christians she thought we had a duty to help this poor guy. It wouldn't about her benefit this time she would do it for someone else. Doing good wasn't always easy she said - the sacrifices many other Christians had made were in a different league altogether.

I was moved, as I often was, by her honesty and spirituality and sense of sacrifice. She would give herself to this guy just because she wanted to help him. I squeezed her and burst into tears, I know men shouldn't cry but it all came out. Sarah told me how much she loved me and I told her that I would be totally lost without her. In the end I said OK, I would let her do it.

Sarah

Johnson lived in a hostal so we either had to go into a hotel or invite him round. To my surprise Tim said it was up to me. so on impulse I decided to invite him round.

I told Johnson that I would do it the next day. At lunchtime he walked me to the store and made me buy a skirt - saying that I should dress like a girl. Don't know why I agreed - I don't like wearing skirts but like many big men he had a real presence I suppose. There were plenty of comments in the office as I always wore jeans. People said I looked pretty, which was nice.

Tim was amazed to see me in a skirt and also told he how nice I looked. He had always been nagging me to wear skirts rather than jeans but I suddenly knew he was jealous that I had never worn one for him. In future I would if it would please him

Tim

It was a weird feeling meeting this man. It mas much more complicated than jealousy. I felt that if she were going to go through with this just for him then I couldn't back out either and I had to be here for her.

He was 6 feet tall and very black. Sarah was wearing a short pleated skirt, navy coloured so she looked like a schoolgirl. She looked very cute and sweet, and next to Johnson, very small and vulnerable. I told her how good she looked; I had always wanted her to wear skirts rather than jeans. I shook hands with Johnson. I wanted to neutral with him and hoped he would respect me.

Sarah

Tim was really great during dinner. God know what it cost him, he was piling up credits in heaven and doing so far more than I was. I did need occasional sex and it was amazing that Tim understood that. I had an insight now into what true unselfish spiritual love was and how privileged I was to be married to someone like him.

After dinner Johnson asked Tim to do the washing up and we sat on the sofa together. He came close to me and without saying anything started to fondle me gently. He had very soft hands and I liked the way he stroked my face and my knee. He was big and strong and next to him I felt very vulnerable and feminine and yes, it was a nice feeling. He was much bigger than me and I hoped he would be kind to me in bed. When he kissed me I didn't resist at all.

I was so grateful to Tim for letting me do this and hopefully to get Johnson over the terrible trauma's of his life. I couldn't image what it was like to see your wife raped and carried off and only your imagination as to what was happening to her. But even so,I had not expected to enjoy it quite so much

Tim

This may have been our good Christian deed for a man who had suffered so much and I reminded myself that having 95 per cent of Sarah was better than nothing at all.

Even so it was the worst evening of my life. I knew what Sarah would be doing on those rare occasions when she left me for a few days, I never thought too much about it or visualised it, but now it full in my face. After I had sorted out the washing up and made coffee, Johnson was sitting next to Sarah. Her head was against him with his arm around her. She looked up at me and smiled sweetly before she got back to kissing Johnson. His other hand was on her knee and he pushed up her skirt revealing the hem of her slip before his hand disappeared further up.

She didn't resist - in fact she was obviously enjoying herself. I assumed that she knew how I felt; I didnt think I had signed up for this - did she have any idea what it was like to see another man fondle your wife and for her not to conceal the fact that she was absolutely loving it?. If so why was she doing it to me?

I couldn't tell whether Johnson was enjoying my humiliation - he was focussed on Sarah. I wished they had checked into a hotel and wished that I had told them too.

Sarah

Johnson took his hand from up my skirt where it had been doing nice things and told me to get into bed, saying that he would be up to me shortly.

He had a quiet voice but had a wonderful, masterful manner. I think any girl would be deliriously happy to do just as he said. I brushed my skirt down and asked Tim to put my hot water bottle in bed for me.

Tim

Perhaps because she was so petite, Sarah felt the cold terribly and always had her hot water bottle in bed. I always put it in for her, she said it made her feel loved and cared for. She asked me to do this just as she would on any normal night.

So I went to the kitchen. Boiled the water, filled the bottle, and slipped it into its cover. Sarah had made it herself in sewing class at school, and she loved the lace and frills on it.

I went upstairs and put it in on her side of the bed. I pulled the duvet back over and sat down. I considered the position; all those frills and lace were busy getting to work making sure our bed would be nice and warm so my lovely wife could mate with this man. I cried for a while as I thought of them making love in our own bed. It was totally unfair that it couldn't be me.

Sarah

I must admit I found it hard to tear myself away from Johnson. All my love was given to my husband, his generosity and love in letting me fulfil my needs occasionally was outstanding and I was just so grateful to him.

Even so it had been lovely to be fondled by this man the way he did. When he stroked my face and kissed me he had been sweet and gentle and kind. I liked it when he put his hand up the skirt he had made me wear. I hoped that I was making him happy and that by doing so I could break his cycle of depression for him.

I also hoped that God would forgive me. In trying to do something good I knew that I had been selfish, done wrong and had hurt Tim too much. I knew now that I had asked too much of Tim and that he had asked too much of himself in agreeing to me bringing Johnson home with me. But it was too late to back out now

Tim seemed ages in getting back to us. When he did I went over to him and gave him a big hug and looked at his eyes. I think he had been crying. I silently tried to convey how much I loved him and needed him. But I didn't say anything but went up to bed and undressed. Tim had made the bed lovely and warm for me. Waiting for Johnson seemed like an eternity and Tim never told me what they discussed.

Tim

While I was upstairs Sarah had tied her hair up on the top of her head. She always used to do that so it didn't get in the way. I used to help her..she used to love me to help her braid her hair in to a sort of a bun with a pretty little tassle hanging down over her forehead before we got into bed.. She hadn't needed me to do that for a while now

Johnson and I were alone. He did the talking. I didn't have anything to say really and certainly didn't reveal that I could no longer make love to my wife; I was sure that Sarah wouldn't have told him..

I hoped he was grateful for what I was letting Sarah do. He must have thought I was a pathetic cuckold, but even so he explained why this was so important to him and how grateful he was to us. He promised that he wouldn't hurt Sarah and said that he knew she loved me totally and the the exclusion of all others and that there was no way he would get in the way of us after tonight. He hoped to be able to resume something like a normal life.

Sarah

You can imagine the rest. Like a good Christian girl I was a virgin when I married Tim and had never made love with anyone else until Tim's illness.

Johnson was wonderful to me, a real gentleman, firm but patient. I had promised myself that I would not orgasm in order to protect Tim, but it wasn't my choice - he knew what he was doing and controlled me perfectly.

Only after what seemed hours of what I now know to be expert foreplay did he enter me. and begin to work me. I tried desperately to be quiet under his ministrations- I know I make a lot of noise and the walls are really thin and I'm sure that Tim could hear me. I knew that this would be the ultimate humiliation for the man I loved,

And I suddenly knew what that look on Johnson's face meant - he was enjoying looking at me, revelling in his ability to reduce me to this humiliating state where all I wanted was for him not ever to stop. That's why he kept telling me to open my eyes. he wanted me to be able to see his power. Before long I was gasping, panting, squealing. He seemed to be able to keep me just on the edge of ecstasy for ages and, finally, finally, when he made me come, sob tears of joy and humiliation too.

I just stupidly hoped that poor Tim would at least be happy that I was enjoying it. Oh yes, I was enjoying it.

We slept well but the next morning it was clear that Tim hadn't. There wasn't a lot to say and Johnson made to go. Suddenly I stood up and grabbed him. 'No you can't go - not yet - take me back to bed please.'

He made no movement.

I couldn't help myself - I realized with a shock that I had never felt so happy and so safe and secure as I did with him inside me and I needed to be his and for him to command me again so very much. Really, nothing else mattered at all - I needed him to give me his sacred gift and I would receive it, be grateful for it, and find a warm and safe place where I could nurture it and care for it and watch it grow

I walked over to him. For the first time in my life I was glad to be wearing a skirt. I reached round the back, fumbled for the button and undid it and unzipped it. The smooth lining against my tights made it fall to the floor in an instant. I didn't care what I looked like. Tim said nothing. Johnson picked me up in those wonderful strong arms, I felt like a little girl as took me back to bed where he made me cry again. And again. And again.

Tim

I had slept really badly. I had heard Sarah during the night and it was the worst night of my life. I had hoped mainly that he wouldn't hurt her as he was so much bigger. But it was nothing like that, I knew full well what the noises I could hear meant; she was obviously really enjoying Johnston's love-making. Sarah often cried when we used to make love and though I had my pillow over my hear I could still hear her sobs of gratitude through the wall.

I actually thought we were through in the morning when she dropped her skirt like that in front of me and begged him to take her back to bed.

She never even looked at me. She never cared about how she had humiliated me.

Sarah

Johnson made love to me for hours. We did it in several different positions, including from behind. I don't know how he was strong enough to keep it up.. By the time he had finished with me I knew I was totally full to the brim with his love.

When he finally left I begged him on my knees not to leave me. Then of course reality intervened. Now I had to pull myself together and make up with Tim. It was obvious that I had pushed him too far. Suddenly I felt guilty for having enjoyed myself so much. Really guilty. I would never do anything like it again, if I never slept with anyone again and was celibate for the rest of my life, so be it.

Step one was a complete change of the sheets and bedclothes.

When he came back I said nothing, but hugged him and led him to our bedroom. I told him that I was so desperately sorry for what I had put him through and that I would never do it again.

I was still pretty inexperienced and didn't understand enough about men - Tim was very intelligent and logical and I thought he would be able to rationalise the situation he had agreed to when another man was making love to his wife in the next room. That was stupid of me, just so stupid and naive.

Tim

I went out and didn't return until the evening. I thought for some time I would stay in a hotel. But better to get it done with. I had had a few drinks, and was ready for a blazing and final row.

But Sarah was meek and kind when I eventually came home. She said nothing, sssh-ing me when I tried to speak, but took me by the hand, undressed me and put me to bed where we cuddled closely without humiliating me. We said very little, we kissed each other deeply and I looked into her wonderful eyes and fondled her breasts where she had always been very sensitive. I brought her to orgasm that way - I loved that I could do that for her.

She thanked me for everything I had done and begged me to forgive her - she realised that she had underestimated the stress I would have to endure because she wanted to be a good Christian.

Sarah

The next day I took all my jeans to the charity shop and bought a whole set of skirts and dresses. I knew Tim wanted me to dress more girly and that and it was the very least I could do..

But of course the inevitable happened and I missed my period. Truth is, I somehow knew my destiny when I was so full after our second bout of love-making. I was on the pill, but it was God's decision what happened, and I sort of knew deep inside what that would be.

Johnson of course had vanished, the police had found him and I guess he was deported as an illegal. It was obvious that the baby was Johnson's. But if I got pregnant while on the pill, then I felt that God had given us a present and what happened was his will.

As a Christian I absolutely refused to have an abortion. Even if I had been raped I would certainly carry the baby to term and then either keep it or give it up for adoption and Tim had always agreed with me. So I would keep our baby.

Tim

Sarah looks radiant as she grows, I've never seen her so looking fulfilled and happy. She says hello to other women's babies and when we go shopping we always look at baby clothes and things and I know she desperately wants to keep the baby and of course I'll support her in that. I never suggested she do anything else and if she has suggested an abortion I would have said No..

I have to be - and I am - unselfishly happy for her and I am happy for her and therefore for us. I couldn't give her the baby she needed and now someone else has. I love her just so much.

To my surprise, Sarah's pregnancy has bought us much closer together again.

We still haven't found an explanation for why our baby will be black when we're both white though however.