Revisiting After the Affair

After The Affair- Revisited

The Aftermath- Sorry no sex in this one.

It has been just over 4 years, 5 months and 15 days since my divorce from Perley Dawkins was final, but who's counting. If you don't remember me, my name is Grace Dawkins. I was the one that screwed up my life, my husband Perley's life and ruined a perfect marriage for a roll in the hay with a young stud 20 years my junior. Perley found out about it and saw some videos of our trysts. The last one was pretty graphic and I behaved like a total slut. It was too much for Perley to accept and forgive so he divorced me. I don't blame him at all. For those of you who care, Jason was later found in an alley pretty much the worse for wear. Someone had beaten him almost to death. I knew it wasn't Perley; he was too much of a gentlemen. But he did have some friends… Well, I'm not going there.

I was pretty much of a wreck for the first year or so until I got some professional help. It was nice that Perley made sure I had enough money to take care of myself since I was in no condition to work for a while. That was the way he was: no punishment and all of the money I needed to live and maintain my lifestyle. He was not the type of man to exact revenge or retribution and I was living testament to that. If anyone deserved to have been raked over the coals, it was I. I really ruined a wonderful man and a marriage that most women would die for. Stupid? Sure. No question.

I did go to a counselor for a while to see if I could figure out why I did what I did. Why would a middle-aged woman in a solid marriage with a man that she loved to death cheat on him? Why would she do something like that with a kid half her age? My lover was just barely older than my children, for God's sake!

After the counseling, I still had no idea why I did it. The counselor finally concluded that I was simply self absorbed and selfish, and that the only thing that made sense was curiosity. I wanted to find out what the other girls were talking about and that was the only way I knew to do it. So I did. I also found out that I didn't think of the consequences because I was married to a man that always gave me everything I wanted or needed. He had always put me first and I did the same thing; I put my needs and myself first. Oprah would have loved me! Perley was safe and would always forgive me. So I apparently thought.

Since the counseling, I have been more at peace with myself. I couldn't forgive myself but I stopped beating myself up over it. It was done. I began to spend more time with my two children and their new families. They never stopped loving me and never played the blame game. We had it out; they yelled at me and called me names; I agreed and told them it was all my fault and then we went on. The only thing was that we had to plan all of my visits since Perley wouldn't come if I was going to be there and if I showed up unannounced, he would leave.

In addition, Perley never spoke directly to me after that last time when he finally told me he was leaving. 4 years, 5 months and 15 days since the divorce: before that it was 3 months separation and another 4 months for the divorce. He hadn't spoken to me in 5 years, give or take a month. We spoke through our attorneys.

I had not dated since the divorce and had no desire to do so. Oh, guys a lot younger than me were always hitting me on but I had been there and done that! That was why I was where I was in the first place. But, it certainly gave me a great deal of self-confidence. As a result, I had no sex life and I had not made love with my now ex husband for over 5 years, but I just looked at it as a price that must be paid. Just some facts to keep you interested.

I took a job at an art gallery that was the hangout of one of my best girlfriends. She was a budding artist with a great deal of talent and a divorcee like me. We met during counseling and became fast friends. She convinced me to take a job there as a receptionist just to meet people. I did and enjoyed it immensely. I took on more responsibility because I was willing to and now pretty much ran the place. The owners were an older couple that loved to travel so it worked out well for all. I was happy there and got to meet a lot of very interesting people. I got hit on a lot by the patrons, some of whom were very well off which made me feel good, but I never took any of them up on it and didn't intend to. I was a one-man woman. Don't even say it! I was now! Maybe too little, too late but I have never given up.

That pretty much brings you up to date. If you still don't remember the story, go back and read it. It was 'After the Affair' by

thecelt

. If you don't want to bother, no problem. The rest of this stands on its own.

We had two children from our marriage that were all grown up. They were both out of the house when we divorced so they were relatively unscathed by the whole thing. Both had gone on to marry and the older boy just had a baby son. They named him Peter, after neither one of us. Probably a smart choice. We were invited to a gathering in his honor at Bill's house. Bill was our son.

Now the problem here was that Perley and I hadn't spoken to each other or attended any functions at the same time since our divorce. Perley had a problem being near me since it recalled too many painful memories for him. Most of our dealings with each other were through our attorneys. They handled all of the details of money, insurance, home, utilities and other such mundane things that we once had shared. We loved our children and spent as much time with them as possible, but never together.

So the real question was, what was Bill up to? He knew the relationship between his dad and me and knew that one of us would probably have to decline the invitation. I wanted to be there but I would defer to Perley. I told Bill so in a phone call.

"You know that I can't come to your party if Perk is coming. He and I haven't been together since the divorce. What were you thinking?" I knew he knew what I was saying so I was curious. "You have to ask him first to see if he can be there. If he can't, than of course, I will come, but you tell Sharon that I can help her set up for the party if she wants."

"Come on mom, I want both of you there. This is not about you and dad. This is about my son and his grandparents. You know Sharon's parents are dead and you are the only grandma and grandpa he will have. I think you and dad had better get over this crap and make an effort." Bill was certainly a surprise. I guess parenthood makes a boy grow up fast. "Anyway, I talked to dad and he is OK with you coming. He is definitely going to be there."

Talk about a shock. Well, if Perk was all right with me being there, I would certainly go. I actually looked forward to seeing him. I had not dated since our divorce and I was not interested in any other man but him, even though he wanted nothing to do with me. He was the only one I could ever love. I certainly didn't want another meaningless sexual romp in the hay so I had no sex life. I had several good girlfriends and we occasionally went out on the town but I was usually the designated driver and I was the one that made sure none of them embarrassed themselves too much.

I thought about the upcoming party and began to worry. I didn't know what I expected but if we could get together and Perk could endure my company for more than a few minutes without getting angry or sick, maybe we could become friends again. I would treasure that, if it could be. I bought myself a new outfit that accented my figure and the color brought out my eyes. I had joined a new gym and still kept myself trim. I looked pretty good if I do say so myself. I was going to go to this party and let the fates work their will. For better or worse, I was not going to pass up this chance.

The party was on a Friday night at Bill's place in the suburbs of Dallas where we lived. He had a nice home and Sharon, his wife of 3 years was a doll. I adored her and she adored Bill. I visited them as often as I could without becoming a nuisance. Sharon was my confidant and she and I had many a conversation about my situation. I certainly wanted her to be aware of the consequences of any dalliance on her part. She saw my downfall and what had become of our life and took the lesson to heart.

I arrived fashionably late and was welcomed at the door by Sharon. She loved my outfit and gushed about how it made me look. She whispered in my ear that Perk was there and he looked very handsome. Of course, she had a crush on him and had for some time. What woman wouldn't? I thanked her and walked into the living room where people seemed to be the thickest. There were a lot of people that I didn't know, probably friends of Bill and Sharon, but I didn't see Perk. I looked in one of the other rooms and still didn't see him.

I found the bar and had myself a soda with a twist. I had stopped what little drinking I used to do. I looked around and saw only a few people that I recognized. I nodded to them and considered moving into the kitchen when suddenly I heard a voice from the past.

"Hello Grace." That was all he said but it was enough to cause my heart to begin to pound and my breathing to become rapid. I just stood there for what felt like ages, but it was only a few seconds. Fortunately I was able to finally got control of my breathing and slowly turned around without falling down or otherwise making a fool of myself.

"Hello Perley. I was glad to hear that you would be here and that you had no problem with my coming. I really wanted to be here for Bill and Sharon and our grandson."

I looked at this man that I had hurt so many years ago. He looked no different, maybe a little more gray and certainly just as handsome. I looked in his eyes and saw no pain and no anger. That filled my heart with joy. Over the years, I had often remembered the pain and anger in his eyes the last time I saw him and it never failed to put me into a deep depression for days. No one wants to know that they were responsible for causing someone they love that kind of pain. What few realize is that infidelity is a sword that cuts both ways.

"I thought that our being here together was appropriate for our grandson. We both love our son and daughter in law and now our grandson. It was only right that we share that love." Perley looked at me with a smile and without any trace of the anger that I last saw on his face as he walked out on me.

"I'm glad that you seem happy now. I hope the pain that I caused has become less and that you have been able to forget. I think that was the last thing you said to me, that you couldn't forget. I have regretted that over these years more than anything else." I was trying to be careful with what I said. This wasn't the place for an open and honest discussion.

"I am happy now. And regrets are for the past. We both have moved on and I want the same for you. I hope you are content." Perley looked like he wanted to say more and I wanted him to continue to talk to me. I didn't care what he said so long as he was talking to me.

"I was wondering. Would you like to have dinner with me sometime next week? We could go to Pierre's. I believe that was one of your favorites."

Did I just hear what I thought I heard? Did he just ask me to dinner? Oh, God. Oh, God. What was I going to do? I wanted to jump into his arms and hug him and kiss him and never let go. I thought however, that I had best handle this very carefully. It was no more that a polite get-together between old friends and not a romantic reunion.

"I would love to have dinner with you. Anytime is fine with me, but why not tomorrow night? It is a Saturday and neither of us has to get up early for work the next day. I work every day now at an art gallery and often late into the evening. But if you would rather, any evening next week is fine." I had better just shut up now.

"Tomorrow night is fine. I'll make reservations and call you with a time. Is the number still the same?" He looked pleased that I had accepted and that I wanted to do it as soon as tomorrow.

"I'll give you my cell, since the home number was changed to an unlisted number. I was getting a few calls that were unpleasant. That was a while ago and I probably could list the number again." I gave him my card with the address of the gallery and my cell phone number.

"Great. I'll see you tomorrow evening. Now, I guess we should mingle and meet people. I can't stay for more than a few more minutes. I really came to see Bill and Sharon and my grandson. And to see you." This last was said as he turned away. I choked up and tears started to blur my vision. I stumbled into the kitchen and grabbed Sharon by the arm and led her away.

"Good Lord, what's wrong with you. You look like you have just seen a ghost!" Sharon was digging in her pocket for a Kleenex. I was crying openly now. She dragged me into a bedroom.

"Perley just asked me to dinner tomorrow night. Do you believe that? He asked me to dinner and he doesn't hate me and he actually said that he wanted to see me tonight." I was babbling and she just laughed at me.

"Of course I believe that. He never stopped loving you and you never stopped loving him. You screwed up and he had a problem forgiving you, but he never stopped loving you. That's what made it so hard on him. He loved you but couldn't get past what you did. He had to be without you and that killed him. He was damned if he did and damned if he didn't. I thought you knew that."

"I thought he hated me. You didn't see his face the night he left me for good. His face was filled with pain and anger and it broke my heart. I was relieved when he yelled at me for what I had done because the anger was stronger than the hurt. I didn't want to see the pain. That killed me!"

"Well, now you know. You two need to talk and work this out. You are my son's grandparents and I want you both to be part of his life. I don't want the two of you to be equal but separate parts." With that, she left me to myself and went back to the party.

When I calmed down enough to return, Perk had left. That was probably just as well. I stayed and enjoyed the rest of the night. It had been a great night and I hoped it portended better times. I helped Sharon and Bill clean up and left for home.

Perley picked me up at 7:30 the next evening. I had gone all out with a brand new little black dress that set me back over $600! It fit me like a glove thanks to some last minute alterations. I had on black mesh stockings and new black high heels and I won't even tell you what they cost. I had on a beautiful diamond necklace that Perk bought me 10 years ago and a set of earrings that he gave me on one of my birthdays. I think I looked quite nice. I also thought the necklace and earrings were a neat touch.

"Wow! I had forgotten how beautiful you are." He stood there looking at me as I held the door. I almost ran back into the bedroom to cry, but I steeled myself and just smiled.

"Thank you, kind sir. I try to please. I guess I still clean up OK?" I wanted to keep it light so that I could function. He really got to me with his open admiration. God, what had I done! Stop! Don't think that way!

"Please come in while I get my wrap. Would you like a drink first? If not, I'm ready to go if you are." He came in and shut the door behind him.

"Our reservation isn't for another 90 minutes. If you don't mind I would like to sit and talk for a while. We haven't done that in a long, long time. I think it is overdue and there are things that need to be said. I can do it now that time has passed. If that is alright with you?" He stood there waiting for me to decide.

"I will do whatever you want to do. I will listen or answer questions, whatever you want. I don't know what I can say that will change anything, but I'm game." I truly would do whatever he wanted. Anything to keep him here, and in my life again. "Would you like a drink?" He demurred so I walked over to the couch and sat down.

I decided to begin since I had so much I wanted to say. I hoped he would really listen to me so that I could put some of his fears to rest.

"Maybe I could say a few things that I didn't get a chance to say 5 years ago when you walked out on me. You did most of the talking and I was the guilty party so I let you. I don't want to try to explain or anything since what I did was just wrong, but I do want to say a couple of things. Is that OK?"

He just smiled and said, "That's OK. At least you are not going to cry and wring your hands and do any of that silly stuff. And you are right. I did do all the talking and I regret that. I also regret the silence for the last 5 years. That was inexcusable. Please go ahead."

"OK. One of the things that I wanted to say when you waved me to be quiet that night was about the video that you watched that you said you couldn't forget. Well, here's something that might have helped you. Do you know what I was thinking in the video when you saw me doing what made you decide that you couldn't forget? I was thinking 'I wish I knew how to suggest this to Perk so that he and I could do this so that I could actually enjoy it'. As a matter of fact, I was usually thinking of you when I was with him. It was a simple matter of you being so much better than him. I always wanted to rush home to you after one of those afternoons just to feel better."

"Now, you could ask me why, if you were so much better than him, I didn't stop. That is something that a full year of counseling couldn't answer. I just did it to see what it was like and didn't quite know how to stop it. It was such a poor excuse for lovemaking and it really wasn't something I looked forward to. It certainly wasn't worth what it cost both of us"

It felt good to be able to tell him that. I wish I could have told him earlier. "As a matter of fact, since you knew of my affair for several weeks before the last time, I wish you had confronted me so that we could have had it out and settled one way or the other."

"You are right about that making it easier. It could have helped me face my insecurities about your betrayal. But honestly, at the time I was so torn up about you cheating that I wasn't thinking rationally. I was in a sorry state for those months I stayed away after I found out. I think that was a mistake that ended our marriage. More so than your affair with Jason. I couldn't believe you had done that and I couldn't conceive of a reason that would allow you to do it. That's why I didn't confront you right away. That is what I was feeling at the time. The videos were really less than I made them to be. They were just something that I could point to and say, got you!" Perley looked pensive as he said this. He wasn't really angry anymore and the sadness was gone. Just more of a questioning look.

"Well, I screwed up and I ruined my life and made your life miserable and I don't have any reason that makes sense. Just curiosity. Nothing more glamorous or mysterious or interesting. Really a sad way to end a marriage. Just because I wanted to see what someone else was experiencing. And because you were so good to me, I thought that I was entitled to do this for myself. I never gave you the consideration that you deserved. That is what I am most sorry about." I began to feel relieved. This had been a long time simmering, and even though we had 'moved on' we were not over it.

"We both screwed up big time. I think the past 5 years have given us both time to put things into perspective and to learn from them and go forward. I know that I want you back in my life. I don't mean the way it used to be. I don't know to what degree just yet but I do know that I don't want to go back to silence." He looked at me as he said this last. I began to cry. I couldn't help myself. I just broke down and cried. I ruined my carefully applied mascara and eye shadow but I had no choice. It felt wonderful! It was the happiest I had been in the last 5 years.