Rehearsal

"Look, Henry, all I was saying was, we are playing two characters who are deeply in love and they have a very hot sex scene in the second act, so we need to be convincing lovers for the audience."

"I know all that, Audrey," Henry said, "I've read the manuscript, twice, and my part through twice more since we were selected for the roles."

"It's a big part for you, Henry."

"I know, it's the biggest I've ever done, I just hope I can deliver."

"You'll be fine, you and I are in it pretty well all the way through, start to finish. If anyone can do it, you can, Henry." She squeezed his hand. "We were made to do this, darling, fate has brought us to-"

"No, that's not exactly right, Aud, you are there because Madge Allnut was caught shop-lifting a Kindle Fire, which was found in her shopping bag when she went through the scanner at the Asda exit. Her court case comes up in a fortnight. Meanwhile, Reg Mellow, who usually plays most of the male lead roles, came out in a debilitating rash because of some allergic reaction, so I wasn't the first choice either."

"There you go, fate has definitely brought us together."

"But what you are suggesting we do, Audrey, in order to enhance our performance, is nothing short of crazy. We are not method actors, after all is said and done this is only amateur dramatics!"

"But Henry darling, this is embarrassing for me to say," she whispered as low as she could, as a stage hand walked by carrying a prop, "But I have played roles similar to this in the past, before younger actresses like Madge came along, and believe you me, it can make a huge difference to the actual performance on stage."

"You mean," Henry leaned so close that he was almost overcome by her heady scent, "You've slept with the leading man before?"

"Almost," she breathed through her crimson lips, her hot breath fanning his ear, "Every time, darling."

"Oh, and you think it makes that much difference?"

"Immeasurably."

"I don't know," Henry sounded doubtful, flicking over a page and pointing to some odd line hoping that onlookers would assume they were quietly discussing the finer points of the script, after all the pair of them carry the whole weight of the play. He continued, "I have never done anything like this before, you know I haven't."

"It's just like falling off a log, darling, at the very least we should get together for a quickie, just to break the ice between us. Then we can relax when we get it all together, sizzling like very familiar practising lovers on the stage."

"Look, Aud, you are a beautiful, very desirable woman, but I am married, you are married, we can't possibly do this."

"Tosh! Henry, it's just sex, darling, it won't mean anything to either of us other than a relaxing pleasure, ensuring we achieve sublime artistic integrity!"

"I couldn't do that to Bernie, not that I know him all that well, Audrey."

"You'd be doing Bernie a favour," she leaned in even closer, dropping her voice lower still, "He wouldn't want to be aware that I've told you this but Bernie can't, you know, get it up anymore, so he really doesn't mind."

"Oh." Henry thought about it for a moment. "Anyway, I still can't possibly, what would Libby think? She's been your best friend since, well, forever."

"Pooh and fiddlesticks," Audrey scoffed, "We'd be discrete about it, darling, I could get us a hotel room, we could do it over lunchtime or you could miss one of your precious football games. I would be the very model of discretion and Libby will never be any the wiser. Consider it, if you will, as part of the rehearsal process."

"No, impossible, it's our twentieth wedding anniversary in two weeks' time and I've already got a surprise planned for the evening. Sorry Aud, I couldn't possibly cheat on Libby, no matter what. If it is a problem for you, I'll happily step down and let the understudy take the part."

"I'm very disappointed, Henry. You know I think you are a hunk who I've lusted after for years. Have you really never thought of having sex with a woman other than your wife?"

"I can honestly say I never have, with any woman, no matter what their charms. You are a very attractive woman, Audrey, I've even said as much to Libby. I'm sure many would jump into your arms like a shot, and clearly some have, but I do not desire you significantly more than any other woman and certainly not more than my wife. I think you can guarantee that I'm a one-woman man."

Henry held Audrey's shoulders for a moment, while Audrey put her hands on his hips and pulled herself in close with her arms around his waist. Henry kissed her on the cheek, before exiting stage left. Audrey watched his firm round butt cheeks as he strode purposeful off the stage and sighed, thinking he was definitely a hunk but it was pretty certain now he'd made it clear he would never be her hunk. Just then a hand on her shoulder made her jump and turn around.

"Libby!" she exclaimed, "What are you doing here?"

"Watching you seduce my husband!" her friend laughed, "I just saw you two kiss and squeeze each other, so when are you both getting together to do the dirty deed, then?"

"Oh, Lib, it was just a kiss on the cheek as old friends, there will be no getting together. He just doesn't want to make love to me."

"No?" Libby's euphoria evaporated and her face took on a crestfallen look, "I thought you wouldn't let me down, Aud."

"Sorry Lib, I tried every trick in the book to bed him and he simply doesn't want to know. Normally when I flutter my lashes at a man he gets at least a semi on, I rubbed my firm thigh up against your hubby's nut sack, after trying everything else and he was as soft down there as farm fresh brie. Nice package he's got though, by the way."

"O God!" Libby looked ashen, "What am I going to do now? You were my last hope."

"Honey, I know you told me not to ask questions when you requested that I seduce your husband and I was more than happy to oblige, but I've got to ask, what the hell are you playing at?" said Audrey in exasperation, "Henry has admitted to me that you are the only woman he has ever been with since your marriage and the only woman he will ever be with. He is simply not interested in bonking his leading lady or any other lady. Sweetheart, he is a keeper, one in a million, so why are you throwing another woman at him? Unless he is crap in bed, which I doubt, especially after you have boasted about him for at least the last twenty years, you could lose him!"

"That's the last thing I want, Aud," Libby began sobbing now, "I couldn't possibly live without Henry. As for crap in bed, he's nigh on the perfect lover, considerate, gentle, loving, but can be as passionate as any Casanova can when he is on a mission."

"Like your anniversary?"

"Oh God, that's only two weeks away."

"So why this, trying to palm him off on your friends, after nearly twenty years of marriage?"

"Just because it is nearly twenty years, that's the big problem."

"Lib, I can't understand, he's got something special already set up for your anniversary, he's already said so, you always look forward to it."

"I know, I always sneak looks at the credit card he uses for surprises that he thinks I don't know about and saw that he has booked a show, restaurant and hotel room for the weekend in the West End. It's going to be brilliant."

"Lib," Audrey shook her head, "I can't understand you."

"It's Enrique!" Libby blurted out.

"Who?"

"Enrique the stripper" Libby elaborated.

"The stripper at Julia's hen night last month?"

"Yes, I slept with him."

"But you didn't have time! I was the designated driver that night and drove you home straight after. I know you were out of your head, sucking him off like that, you wicked woman you! Anyway, it was a hen night, it was just oral, so it doesn't really count, and us girls will make sure Henry never finds out about it. We all have too much to lose."

"I know, I couldn't believe what I did when I was sober the next day, but when he called me -"

"What? How did he call you?"

"I must've passed him my mobile number, I can't remember," Libby wailed.

"So he called you?"

"Yes, the next day while I was still under the influence and what I did still fresh and obsessive in my mind. And so I agreed that we met up in a hotel room."

"You dirty, lucky bitch!"

"No, it was god-damn awful," sobbed Libby, "He was abusive, slapped me around making me feel like the slut I was. I thought it was going be exciting as I had done nothing like this before but it was terrible."

"Oh honey," Audrey embraced her best friend, who was now crying openly, "Henry will never find out, we'll make sure of that, so best just chalk it up to experience."

"You don't understand," Libby cried, "Enrique has pictures and is threatening to show Henry."

"How did he get photos?"

"He booked the hotel room for the day and set a couple of small cameras up that were taking stills ... of us doing it."

"Is he after money?"

"Not yet, he's after more sex or will want paying off, or he promises he will tell Henry, if I stop giving it to him."

"What do you mean, 'stop giving it to him'?"

"He's blackmailing me to continue seeing him."

"How often?"

"Once a week, but he wants to step it up to twice."

"So how many times have you been with him?"

"Three times," she sobbed, "And he's shown me more photos that he has taken since, so I can't go to Henry and say I made a single mistake, unless I can catch Henry doing the same thing."

"So that's why you want me to seduce Henry?"

"That was the idea, throw you two together so you have an affair, I find out and forgive Henry, so then he has to forgive me. That's why I followed Madge a couple of weeks ago and slipped the Kindle I stole into her shopping bag on her trolley while you kept her occupied in conversation about the upcoming play. Then I slipped an irritant in Reg's shower gel when I used his bathroom, so that you and Henry would be cast together in this play."

"How the hell did you get into Reg's bathroom, you and Angie hate one another, right?"

"Damn, Aud, this gets worse," Libby admitted, "I had to seduce Reg to get into his bathroom, and now he's pestering me for more sex as well!"

"I despair of you sometimes, Lib!"

***

Henry left the side of the stage a little puzzled, having turned back to check the timing of the next rehearsal. With mobile in hand he pressed the one-touch key and held the phone to his ear as it rang. The other end picked up on the second ring.

"Hello H," the speaker squawked, "You on your way to the pub?"

"No can do, tonight, Fred, although I was dying for an ale or two-"

"Yeah" interjected the distant voice, "I bet prancing about on the stage like a right tart all evening makes you posers really thirsty."

"You're right!" laughed Henry, "I could murder a jar or three and still thrash you at a game of arrows with one arm tied behind my back!"

"Ooo! Get you, Shirley Temple," came the retort in an affected camp accent, "I bet you theatricals loved being tied up!"

"As it happens ..." Henry laughed back with a similar affectation, "No, Libby's back from her girls' night early, really early; so I better get back to the old homestead. I'll see you at the match on Saturday."

"OK, see you then, H," Fred replied, "I take it you've not told her yet then?"

"Nah, I told you, Fred, we gotta get this anniversary outta the way, then leave it a couple of weeks for her to come down from her high, and then I'll tell her. You understand that, don't you?"

"Yeah, you sensitive old fart, you," the voice came back, then more affectionately, "Don't forget I love you, man."

"I know," said Henry softly, "Love you lots too, big boy."

THE END.