Radio Regrets

You always remember those fortunately few moments in life when someone said something or you learned something that brought your world to a halt and made time stand still. You think afterwards, when some semblance of a sense of humor or an interest in life has returned, that you wished you could have seen the look on your own face at that moment. You know you'd have seen the living personification of that "deer in the headlights" look you've heard about.

I'd done the usual growing up thing. I went to high school and then to a two-year college for some vocational training. I had a good job in the computer field and worked a lot of hours. I put my career first. I was interested in girls - Hey! I'm a guy - but I wasn't interested in having children. I dated a little but didn't strike any sparks with anyone until I met Hilary. We seemed to have the same goals about careers and no children and we fell in love. Whatever that means. I guess I'm going to have to ask someone other than a date about that. Obviously, romantic love is a false trap, it's quickly over and there has to be something else. I've always heard that service to others, you know, sorta like Mother Teresa, is the real love. Even in a marriage.

Hilary and I married about a year ago and my best friend, Mark, was my Best Man. He never seemed to find the right girl to suit him. I continued to work a lot of hours and Hilary worked, too. Sex was good and I usually wore a condom for birth control, as Hilary couldn't take the pill. Three evenings ago, Hilary happily announced just before supper that she was pregnant with our baby. I was stunned into that "deer in the headlights" look. When I finally regained use of my brain and vocal cords, I blurted out "I thought you didn't want children." And "How could this happen?" Was I ever on a roll with witty repartee.

In great humor, Hilary responded "Well, you know how babies happen. Obviously, one of your little guys got loose and scored a touchdown. Aren't you going to tell me how happy you are and how much you love me?"

"Yeah, I guess so. I love you. This is so unexpected that I'm going to have to take a little time to work on the ecstatically happy bit. Having a baby is going to take some getting used to. I wasn't planning on this."

We went on to discuss the usual logistics that just seem to consume women at times like these. You know, the color of the baby's room, the furniture required. All that stuff. Actually, I think babies are really a female plot to have an excuse to spend MONEY. LOTS MORE MONEY! Guys know when they are defeated by events greater than they are. How can such tiny creatures as babies defeat us so badly? Everything is now justifiable by women. "It's for the baby, you know." The sky's the limit on excuses to do stuff for the baby.

What the hell am I going to do? Then, sanity returned to my world. AHA! On Tower 98 radio, the Morning Crew has a Fight Fixit show on Fridays where people call in and Johnny D, Crystal and the rest of the crew try to mediate and resolve issues between people. So, I called and I got on the air. I told the crew about my plight. Then I dropped the news that was causing my main problem.

I told then that two years ago I'd had a vasectomy. Johnny D said he'd had one three years ago, had taken multiple tests and was shooting blanks. He asked me about tests. I told him I'd had the recommended two done. He said that I was shooting blanks, in that case.

Crystal asked, "What do you think is going on?"

I said I didn't know.

Crystal then asked the dreaded question "Is your wife cheating on you?"

"I don't know. I don't know what to think. I don't think so but..."

Crystal said "You've described Hilary as being very cheerful and happy. If she knew about the vasectomy, I think she would know that her pregnancy revelation would raise questions in your mind about whether or not she's cheating. You have told her, haven't you?"

"No."

The morning crew spewed out in unison "WHAT?" and other miscellaneous verbal noises of disbelief. The Morning Show ground to a halt while the crew recovered.

"I can't believe you didn't tell Hilary before your marriage," Johnny D heatedly interjected.

"Chris, your marriage is in trouble anyway. You can't get married without telling your wife about that kind of stuff. You have to tell her," Crystal said.

"I guess so. I didn't think it was important since we both agreed that we didn't want children and this fit right in with that and shouldn't have been an issue."

Johnny D suggested that, at this point, a call to Hilary was in order to see what she'd say. I agreed.

"Chris, where's Hilary?" Johnny D asked.

"At home," I said.

Johnny D talked to the producers on-air about the number and then it was dialed and patched in.

"Hello," Hilary said brightly.

"Hilary, this is Johnny D and the morning crew on Tower 98 radio. How are you?"

"Great!"

"That good to hear. I'm calling because I have your husband Chris on another line and he has something he wants to tell you."

"Hi honey," Hilary said.

"Hi baby."

Johnny D and Crystal engaged Hilary in a brief discussion of her pregnancy and Hilary reiterated how happy she was. She dismissed thoughts of not wanting a baby. Now that the baby was on the way, her attitude had changed to one of anticipation of the future.

Johnny continued "As I said Hilary, your husband Chris has something to say to you. Chris?"

Haltingly, I was barely able to say "I should have told you this before but since it fit into our plans I didn't think it was important. About two years ago, one year before our marriage, I had a vasectomy."

Hilary started crying a little and the Morning Crew engaged her in conversation. She was barely coherent and could only talk in short phrases. In retrospect, I knew she'd been blindsided and didn't know how to avoid the obvious question and answer. She was asked how her pregnancy could happen and she went round and round.

Finally, Crystal tried to put a halt to the rambling runaround and asked point blank "Hilary, did you cheat on your husband?" Around and around Hilary went again for a while with no answer to that question. It was as if Crystal hadn't said anything.

Then, Johnny D asked the same thing. At this point, Hilary had regained enough composure to answer softly "No, I didn't cheat on my husband." She and the Morning Crew went round again. If she didn't cheat and Chris had had a vasectomy, then how did she get pregnant? Now, she too, didn't know not just me.

Eventually, Hilary had enough of the bullying and said that this was a private matter that should have been brought up and discussed at home between just the two of us. She said that she didn't appreciate the public exposure of a personal matter between us.

"Hilary, do you want to hang up and talk with Chris tonight?" Johnny D asked.

"Yes."

"OK. Chris, stay on the line. I'd like to ask for our listener's opinions."

"I will."

The show went to break; came back and Johnny D gave a short synopsis of the previous segment and then took calls.

The first woman talked about the vasectomy failure she knew of in a friend's husband. The next woman came on and said that her husband had to have the operation done three times before the doctor herded all the sperm back into the barn. There was some discussion of vasectomy failure rates and, as it turns out, the failure rate is one or two per thousand, depending on the type of procedure.

The third woman apparently didn't get the implication of a pregnant wife and sterile husband and talked about babies being a great gift. Maybe, I suppose, but not under my circumstances.

The fourth woman got down and dirty. "She's cheating. You can hear it in her voice. She ignored the question the first time." Johnny D and Crystal agreed that was the only likely answer to the situation.

Where to go from here?

Wait!

"Hilary called back and wants to speak to you, Chris," said Johnny D.

"Hilary?"

"Yes."

"You want speak to your husband, Chris?"

"Yes."

"He's right here on the other line."

"Chris?"

"Yes."

"Since you set out to embarrass me in public, I thought I'd return the favor. You want to know how I got pregnant?"

"Yes."

"I've been sleeping with your best friend!"

"Mark?"

"Yes, Mark. He's the father of my baby."

"My best friend?"

"Yes. Mark, your best friend."

Hilary and I agreed to end this embarrassing on-air conversation and to talk at home. The Morning Crew considered this show to be their all-time classic. If I could stand back and be objective, I probably would agree with them.

Hilary and I divorced peacefully. There was no rancor between us. She and Mark got married and had their baby. I haven't spoken to them since the divorce. I wish them well. I can't help wonder how they can trust one another, two cheaters in the same house. Once a cheater, always a cheater. A woman I know said to me that the husband is the last to know and it gets easier each time. What a sad story. Why did it have to be mine?

That day, our voices, it's as fresh as if it were just yesterday. I can't listen to the radio anymore. It's too sad a reminder.