Prisoner At The Bar

What you can expect from this one. A cheating wife, of course. A discovery method that I personally have never seen before, and, of course, a twist. This time, though, I don't think you have a chance in hell of spotting it until the second last line in the story, but feel free to try anyway.

Editing thanks go to Creativitytakescourage, the strongest person I have ever met.

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"Mr. David Brown. You have pled guilty to the two counts you were charged with. Is there anything you would like to say before I pass sentence upon you?"

Dave remains in the chair that has been provided for him in the lonely dock.

"Yes, thank you, Your Honour."

Dave attempts to stand, but it's obvious that his legs just aren't up to the job. He sits back down heavily.

"I was married to my wife, Louise, for a little over ten years. I thought we were as close to each other as it was possible for two souls to be. I thought we were incapable of hurting each other and were the immovable rocks that anchored each other's lives. Many relationships might have been harmed by the news, three years into our marriage, that Louise was infertile, but not ours. I would be lying if I said I didn't consider divorcing her to find a mate that was capable of bearing me children and giving me some genetic purpose in life. I considered it, but it was never a serious option. It would have hurt Louise, however I'd worded it. In my world, you just don't hurt the ones you love; ever. So I gladly lowered my life's ambitions and devoted myself to loving my wife only, for the rest of my life. It took her almost three years to get over her devastating news and I helped every step of the way.

"Not being able to have her own children, Louise threw herself into low paid childcare jobs, even though she was capable of much more. We no longer had to save for raising a family so we didn't need the money and got by comfortably on my salary. Then, five years ago, we volunteered to be foster parents. We took in two children in the following three years and really bonded with them. One we fostered for seven months, the other nine. It broke both our hearts when they were returned to their families and an environment we knew offered them very slim chance of growing to be well-adjusted adults. After that, Louise decided she couldn't face that again and we withdrew from the foster system. She went back to a corporate job and we again went back to just making each other happy. And we were happy, Your Honour. In love, dedicated, and trusting. Or so I thought. I now know everything I believed for some time was a lie.

"I would love to tell you that Louise started pulling away from me emotionally and our sex life dwindled with time, but even now, with the benefit of hindsight, I cannot recognise one clue that our marriage wasn't perfect."

"Go on, Mr. Brown."

"I'm sorry, Your Honour, but you can have no idea of how painful it is to have your entire world view turned upside down, then shredded before your eyes. To learn that everything, and I mean everything, you have taken as gospel, is a lie."

Dave pauses once again. He visibly tries to stop the twitching he knows is taking over his entire body. It is so uncomfortable a sight, the judge can't avoid looking away.

"The destruction occurred quite rapidly at the end. Louise went on a business trip, supposedly to Melbourne. She rang me excitedly one night to tell me she'd spotted the lead singer of her favourite band, Midnight Oil, in the hotel bar. They'd chatted for a while and he'd given her his autograph. I was very happy for her and we rang off with our usual professions of love and her telling me she missed me.

"I rang my best friend Peter's wife, Wendy, to invite them over for dinner the following weekend, like Louise had asked me to. Wendy was all agog about a phone call she'd just received from Pete. He was away on business in Sydney and had rung just before me to say he'd just met the Federal Minister for the Environment in the motel bar and had chatted to him.

"I see you don't understand what I'm saying, Your Honour. The current Federal Minister for the Environment is the former lead singer of Midnight Oil and the only lead singer they ever had. I was confused and all I could think to do was use the find-a-phone function to locate Louise's phone. It was shown as being in Sydney, not Melbourne where she claimed to be.

"I couldn't believe she'd lied to me and really thought there must have been some miscommunication. The next night when Louise rang, I asked how the weather was in Melbourne and she said it was good. I waited for her to come home. I looked and looked for any change in behaviour or any other clue, but all I can say is that she was absolutely normal. I was either mistaken or she'd been lying to me for so long that her act was incredibly well rehearsed.

"The details of the next few days aren't relevant, except Louise continued to act perfectly normally. We did have Wendy and Peter over for dinner that weekend and I watched him and Louise closely. There was nothing to see. I was torn between my fundamental belief in Louise's love and Pete's friendship on one side, and the evidence she'd lied to me on the other. That's a great tie by the way, Your Honour. You must tell me where you bought it."

The silent cabaret that follows, makes everyone in the entire court very uncomfortable. Dave's eyes remain focussed on infinity, while his whole body is wracked by spasms that he seems totally unaware of. Not a word passes his lips. After nearly a minute, the judge clears his throat, hoping to jolt the suffering man back to reality.

When that doesn't work, he again speaks, "Go on, Mr. Brown."

Nothing. Finally, the judge nods to the bailiff. The latter walks over and simply puts his hand on Dave's shoulder. That finally seems to get through. Dave pauses to shake his head from side to side, as if clearing it. He goes on as if nothing has happened.

"I had to know. I'm sure you can understand that, Your Honour. So I arranged a fake overnight business trip for myself the following week. I knew Wendy was away for a few days, so if Louise and Peter were up to no good, then they'd get together. I parked up the street from my place, intending to follow my wife if she left. She didn't go anywhere, but just after dark, Peter drove into my garage.

"I... I just couldn't believe it, Your Honour. I think I sat there stunned for a time, then snuck into my house. They... they were in my bed, Your Honour. I mean, in MY bed."

Dave pauses for another long moment. The judge still finds it hard to look directly at the twitching man, now with tears streaming down his face.

"Would you like to take a break, Mr. Brown?"

"No thank you, Your Honour, I'll be fine in a minute.

"I listened to them, Your Honour, as they destroyed everything I thought I knew. Everything I held dear. I wanted to run in there and stop them but I'd known Peter since we were in school. It would be embarrassing for him and he hated being embarrassed. He was a lot bigger than me and has a violent temper. I knew there was a good chance of him attacking me if I just walked in there. So I went downstairs to think. When I got there I collapsed in a chair in the lounge. I know I had an option of pleading insanity here, Your Honour, but when I explain what happened next, you'll see they weren't the actions of a man that was anything but completely sane. I wanted to avoid making any decisions in the heat of the moment and used the time to think as rationally as I could. I counted all the things I'd lost in such a short time and considered my options, going forward, on how much else I was prepared to lose.

"I'd lost the love and respect of the woman I'd put all my faith in. I couldn't see any way forward but divorce and that meant losing my home and half of what I'd worked hard to earn. And for what crime? Being trusting? Since when has that been a crime? The only alternative to divorce was to forgive Louise. That would mean swallowing my pride and overturning one of the cornerstones of my life. It also meant a lifetime of trying to love someone I no longer trusted. Do you have any idea how it feels to go from trusting someone with everything, then seeing that trust smashed? Probably not, and I hope you never do.

"I realised that not only had Louise destroyed my trust in her but I was unlikely ever to trust a woman again as long as I lived. Peter had done the same. I knew I would never trust another friend. I was reduced, or should I say, condemned, to two choices. A life bereft of pride or one in which I remained loveless and friendless.

"They'd destroyed my self-confidence. Not in my ability to satisfy a woman, although I admit that was a factor, but in my ability to judge people. For days I'd looked for clues I knew must be there, but saw nothing. Their ability to deceive was better than my ability to perceive and that rocked my self-confidence.

"So, with forgiveness out of the equation, what were my options? I tried to think of any reason for what they'd done that wouldn't end up with me being more devastated. Maybe they'd tell me they wanted to get married. Maybe Louise would say that she still loved me but I couldn't satisfy her in bed and she wanted to keep seeing Peter. Or that she'd made a mistake, beg for my forgiveness and live a life of misery when I told her I couldn't. That would hurt me as well. My job was to protect her, not destroy her.

"Your Honour, I couldn't see any choices but a life of misery, so I decided to end it. I went to my gun safe and retrieved my target pistol, then returned to my chair in the darkened lounge. I sat there trying to work up the courage to end it all. I even went as far as to put the gun in my mouth several times. I think I went into something like a dream state. You know, where you'd swear that an hour had passed but in reality, only seconds have."

The pitiful man lapsed into shuddering silence again. Mercifully, this time it was short-lived.

"I heard voices at the top of the stairs. I remember what was said, word for word. It's etched into my soul."

From the top of the stairs.

"Shush, I told you, Pete, I'm sure I heard noises downstairs, it sounded like... sobbing. Go and check it out."

"Why don't you?"

"Because, it's going to be an hour before I can walk properly. Shit, Pete, what got into you? I've never been fucked like that in my entire life."

"I've never fucked like that in my life. I reckon fucking el Naivo's wife in his own bed was the most exciting thing I've ever done, with or without my clothes on."

Dave hears his wife chuckle.

"Now forget your imagination, let's go back to bed, I want your ass again before I have to go."

"No, I can't relax. Come on, let's go down together."

"Is that all, Mr. Brown?"

"Yes, Your Honour. I think it was Louise's chuckle that did it. They both walked down the stairs together and it all overwhelmed me. I shot them both. I kept shooting until the gun was empty."

"Okay, Mr. Brown. With your counsel's blessing, I am ready to make my judgement now."

The judge looks at Dave's frustrated defender, who nods.

"Mr. Brown. I find that I am unable to accept your plea of guilty to two counts of murder in the second degree. Despite your protestations of sanity, your demeanour today and the evaluation provided by an independent psychiatrist has convinced me that at the time you shot your wife and Mr. Peter Smith, you were insane. You have exercised your right to plead guilty, I am exercising my right to declare you not fit to make your own decisions. Thus, I have no choice but to find you not guilty. My God, man, anyone who saw what you did, perpetrated by the two people you loved most in the whole world, in your own bed no less, wouldn't be human if they acted rationally. To hear yourself belittled by those two monsters would be the last straw.

"I hereby appoint this court as your legal guardian. You will be committed to the custody of the state's mental health system until such time as they can convince us you pose no threat to society. Judging by the rather unique set of circumstances that provoked you, I can't imagine that will be too long. Good luck in your recovery, Mr. Brown. Case dismissed."

Dave's lawyer looks at his client quizzically. If Dave had accepted his advice and pleaded insanity, he would have been institutionalised for about ten years. Now it looked like he would be home and hosed much sooner than that.

Dave fights the smile that threatens to give his game away as he looks around the courtroom in his mind. Slowly, the imaginary judge and defender fade back into his imagination.

Sudden blinding light and two gasps rip Dave from his dreamlike reverie. He tries to focus on Louise's babbling voice.

"David, what are you doing sitting in the dark? Oh my God, this isn't what it looks like."

Dave looks coldly at his wife and former best friend.

"Just practicing my speech, dear. Just practicing."

He raises the pistol.

The End.

Now lighten up.

Appropriately, this time a Dave Allen classic (the above was inspired by one of his sketches). He claimed that in his native Ireland, Catholic priests are forbidden from enjoying themselves on the Sabbath. The trouble is, one particular priest loves golf and the only time he has to play is at the crack of dawn on Sunday. He tees off one Sunday and is seen by St Peter, who calls God over.

"Look at that, a priest enjoying himself on the Sabbath. Are you going to punish him?"

"Yes, I will."

The priest lines up at the first tee and sinks a hole in one. He is staggered when the next seven

teen

are also holes in one. St Peter shakes his head and looks over at God.

"I thought you were going to punish him."

"I did. Who is he going to tell?"

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Unless you haven't spotted the connection, Louise and Peter, in the story above, were discovered by something great happening to them and not being able to resist telling those close to them.

Finally, another Dave Allen line.

"I'm often asked if I think God has a sense of humour. I hope so. I'm in big trouble if he doesn't."