I stood at the window, still wearing my over-tight gym clothes, watching my husband Pete's Porsche pass out of the driveway, turn right and disappear towards the hospital where he worked. The large wooden gates swung slowly but firmly closed behind him; a menacing metaphor for the way my future looked right then.
Insisting that we needed time apart to consider our relationship, my husband of over twenty years had just walked out, leaving me to my guilty thoughts, alone.
The nightmare had begun, and it was all my fault.
Not content with a single 'fuck-date' each week with my lover Tony as my husband had agreed, I had deceived him by arranging even more secret, illicit liaisons with the same man behind his back. This deceit had included two wonderfully romantic overnight stays in a country house hotel which were very much not permitted.
I had lied to my husband on both occasions, telling him I was at conferences in London.
Even the day all this was discovered and the nightmare began, I had deceived my husband, leaving the house wearing my gym clothes to cover that morning's secret liaison at Tony's apartment. I had told myself it wasn't a real lie; I hadn't actually told Pete I was going to the gym. All I had done was get changed; if he chose to think that was where I was going, that was his decision.
I feel ashamed writing this even now.
Of course my betrayal couldn't have been discovered in the usual way, through careless credit card bills or even being found in bed with my lover. No, poor Penny had forgotten to brush her teeth after giving Tony one of her rare blowjobs and reluctantly swallowing the mouthful of semen that had resulted.
It was a stupid rookie error but then I was a stupid rookie over-involved in her first extra-marital affair.
When I returned home afterwards, my husband had smelled my lover's cum on my breath and tasted it in my mouth as he kissed me, leaving me no alternative but to confess all. This confession had included the terrible truth that, not content with just fucking, Tony and I had apparently fallen in love. Indeed, our relationship had got as far as Tony asking me to leave Pete and move in with him in his flat. The fact that I hadn't immediately rejected the idea shows just how out of control I had become.
And now it was too late.
Once my husband's car was out of sight, I turned away from the window, my heart thumping. It's hard to believe but even though I was badly shaken, at that point I still hadn't grasped the seriousness of the situation. Dazed and confused by the suddenness with which everything had happened, I still naively believed that we could just talk it all through later, that everything would still be alright and that we could go on with our love triangle as before.
After Pete had gone, my first instinct was to call Tony, to tell him what had happened and warn him of possible consequences. But something inside me told me to wait; Pete had gone to work, his anger had been contained. I didn't really think he would go round to Tony's for a fight. It was far better to see how my husband was when he came home later that evening.
This meant I had hours to kill and the weight of a guilty conscience to live with.
Going from room to room, I tidied what little mess there was in the house, emptied the dishwasher and wondered how to fill the hours before my husband's return. With no more housework to take my mind of my predicament, the answer was obvious; go to the gym for real. I was already in my gym clothes after all. Five minutes later I had phoned the Sports Club, booked myself into the next Bodypump class and set off in my SUV.
On the way I drove past Tony's apartment. There was no sign of his car. He must really be busy, I thought. That must be why he couldn't see me. If he loved me as much as he had said, the frustration must be as terrible for him as it was for me.
There was no sign of his car ninety minutes later as I drive myself home, my fifty-one year old body aching pleasantly from exertion.
The class had been tough but I had wanted it to be; only something hard and physical could take my mind away from all that had just happened at home. I added kilograms to my hand weights and tried even harder to keep pace with the trainer. It hurt but the pain had focussed my mind on the exercise and away from my precarious marriage.
Since my affair had started and my naked body was being seen by a man who wasn't my husband, I had felt driven to make myself look and feel more attractive - dressed and undressed. As a result, my gym visits had become desired rather than a necessary evil, my cardio sessions had become enjoyable as well as endurable and my body had changed for the better.
The change in my body had brought a change in my clothing too; hemlines had become shorter and sexier without conscious thought and the reduction in dress size I had sought for decades had happened almost without trying.
After so many years of failed diets and missed classes, all I had needed to obtain the figure I desired was to open my mind, spread my legs and let another man into my body. I had done that with the same energy I now brought to my exercise, but the consequences were be very different for me and the two men in my life.
On the one hand was my handsome, caring husband of over twenty years; the father of my three children; the man who loved me and had trusted me enough to let me sleep with other men, believing I would return to him a happier, more satisfied wife.
The man whose trust I had shamelessly betrayed.
On the other was my tall, equally handsome lover; the man who had been my first seducer, who had fucked me more times than I could remember, opening my eyes and my thighs to the unsuspected revelation of what a really good sex could be like.
The man with whom I was supposed to have had a purely physical relationship but who had now told me that he loved me; wanted me to leave my husband and live with him; perhaps even marry him. Torn between these two men was me; not knowing what I wanted or what to do, still believing the choice was mine!
For an hour the sweat and pain of the gym had kept this from my mind but as soon as the physical pain stopped, the emotional pain began. When I arrived home I sent Tony a text message saying blandly that Pete had found out about us and that he and I must talk urgently.
He didn't reply.
***
Alone in the empty house, I changed out of my tight-fitting top and tights, showered then put on tight-fitting jeans and a top. It was dinner time but I was far too upset to eat anything more than a cheese sandwich. I started on the dry white wine much earlier than I should too as I paced the empty rooms trying to think of a way forward which would allow our unusual lifestyle to continue.
The idea of bringing my affair to an end barely featured.
The ground floor fully explored, I went upstairs and into each of the kids' rooms in turn, wondering what normal they were doing as their parents' lives became very abnormal indeed.
Josh, my oldest would be with his girlfriend Samantha in London, probably having a late afternoon drink in a city pub with their friends; relaxing before the working week began. The two had lived together for over a year and looked set to stay together long term; perhaps even get married. In my emotional state, this wasn't something I felt able to deal with right then so I left his tidy, unlived-in room quickly and looked next door into the room which my son Tim still called his.
Hard-working, serious Tim would be studying for the University exams he had to take the following week. Then he would probably have a pint with his friends before bedtime. With rounded feature quite unlike those of Pete or any of the men in my family, my good-looking second son was something of a mystery. There was no question who his genetic father was - Tim had been conceived long before thoughts of infidelity had entered my mind - but for most of his life we had joked that he had been a foundling, brought by the fairies as a trick.
Though tidy to the point of obsession, his room still had the 'lived-in' feel that his brother's lacked and made me feel more reassured; more secure in the love of my family whatever I had done. Tim was currently single having broken up with his latest girlfriend a few weeks before. She had slept with one of her lecturers just as his exams were beginning.
How could a girl be so selfish and cruel?
Moving on, Izzy's room was, as usual highly disorganised but at least I had made sure it was clean. Though very different in temperament, Izzy and Tim were so close together in age and so close emotionally that they behaved almost as twins.
