Out of Love

Authors note – thanks to Darkniciad for editorial assistance. This wouldn't have been published otherwise.

I sat in my car, driving back to Portland. There was music on but I don't know what it was. There were so many emotions and thoughts and strange idea's running through my head and I didn't even begin to know where to start sorting it. I was concentrating on the fact that there were two extremely hot women sitting in Amy's apartment who wanted nothing more than to make me happy, one of whom was my wife. I added another 5 miles an hour to my speed and then eased off again. I honestly shouldn't have been driving at all, now I look back on it, but I was too far-gone to even comprehend that at the time.

My mind wandered over the events of the evening, and the events of the past 7 months and I just couldn't fit them together. Amy had been perfect for me. Sure, I didn't expect it to last forever either; I had no idea where the relationship was going, or if it was even moving. I didn't really know what she expected to get out of it, or, indeed, what I had. But to end like this? That was just...cruel. She'd done so much to pick me up from the mess I was and build me up again, and then to just dump me like this? Out of the blue? That way?

I had to wipe my eyes a bit and pulled over for a bit, and I don't mind admitting, I cried. I cried for me. For how I felt. For how I had been treated. For being betrayed

again.

I was starting to believe it must be me – something I was doing that drove women to fuck other men. After 10 minutes of feeling sorry for myself, I pulled back on the road. I was being a pussy and I needed to be more of a man.

Amy

had

been perfect for me though. She'd even helped Chloe. She'd done such a good job that I could even contemplate life without her without completely breaking down like I had when I ran from Chloe. I mean, what are the chances of meeting exactly who and what you needed when you needed it? How lucky can one guy get, even given the circumstances?

And then a thought occurred to me. An outrageous thought, that couldn't possibly be true and I was mad at myself for even considering.

The trouble was, the more I considered it, the more I looked at it, the more I couldn't actually knock it down. It explained a lot, made sense of a few things that I had questioned and frankly, was so bizarre, I could believe it. Of course, I had no proof it was true. But as I sat there driving, I realized several things. I had to look into this outrageous idea. I had to either prove or disprove it. I couldn't go back and play with Chloe and Wendy, but I would have to talk to them. And I was focused and not as hugely upset as I had been two minutes before. If I was even 25% right, there was little point in being upset about anything that had happened that night. If I was wrong, well, there was plenty of time to be devastated later.

I arrived back at Amy's apartment – one hour and 23 minutes; I have a sickness – and walked in. The girls were still there but by now they were in sweats, sitting on the couch and watching some chick flick. They both looked up at me as I walked in and Chloe rose a bit off the couch, hovering.

"You're back!" said Wendy, un-necessarily.

Now, I needed to do this right, because reactions here could be very revealing. So I deadpanned it as best I could, which wasn't a lot. I said, in as flat a voice as I could muster, "Amy and I are no long together. I was informed in way that was, frankly, pretty much the same as I was in Montana. I need some time here – honestly as much as I would love this, I don't think I can right now. My head is a mess and I just need to go."

I watched both girls carefully – I caught the flicking look from Wendy to Chloe, which wasn't hard to decipher – 'Here's your chance girl.' And I saw Chloe stand with her hand on her mouth, eyes wide.

I saw the genuine concern there as she said, "Oh my god J. Please, no, not again. You don't deserve this."

She was right. I didn't. A sudden burst of bitterness welled up in me. "It appears I am the problem here. Twice in a year. You do the math."

Chloe didn't know what to do – she reached out, not that she could reach me from there, but hesitated from leaving the couch. I could see she was conflicted. She wanted to claim what she thought was hers, but she also saw me in pain and wanted to just comfort me. And she still wasn't sure enough of our relationship to know what the best thing to do was.

I looked back at Wendy, and she was alternating her gaze between me and Chloe, like a tennis match. I couldn't read anything in her face that was obvious, but it was apparent that she knew she was present at something she probably shouldn't have been.

"Look, I need to go. Chloe, honestly, if I were you, I'd pack up your shit and go back to Spokane right now. Amy had already said to me that she thinks it's probably time for you to go – I don't think sticking around is a good idea.'

Chloe's nose wrinkled in disgust. "Oh I'll be gone. We'll 'tidy up' before we leave, right Wendy? It'll be something nice for the cheating bitch to come back to."

I didn't point out that three days ago, that shoe has been on the other foot because, frankly, it was just nice to see someone on my side for a change.

"Look, I'll be in touch... Wendy, it was nice to see you."

I nodded at Wendy and she nodded back and said, "Come see us J. Please. We miss you so much."

I nodded again, looked again at Chloe, who said, "J... talk to me. Don't be alone. Come find me."

I nodded at her too and said, "I'll be back very soon, I promise. I just need to get myself together again."

I gave them a tight smile and said, "Don't worry. I won't vanish again. Not this time. I just need some time..."

I turned, put down the key to Amy's apartment on the kitchen table and left the apartment forever, without looking back.

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I spent the next two weeks working feverishly – both on my proper work and also on my personal project. I made no headway at all to begin with, until I had a brain wave, put something in place and sat back and waited for the results. Within 24 hours I had an answer and it wasn't looking good. Within 5 days I had more answers. Within 10, all my worst fears were confirmed. I remember snapping shut my laptop, staring into the distance at the hipster coffee shop where I was working and just sitting there, shaking. So much was explained. I got another cup of coffee, spilled most of it because my hands were shaking, and then had by another one and apologize profusely the barista for making a mess. I sure didn't make any friends there that day.

As I sat down again, I realized that there were two things to do. Work out how I felt about the whole situation – Amy, Chloe and so on. And work out what I was going to do about it. Easy. I could knock that off before lunch, I decided.

As it was, it took me several days, but I decided I had to hit this head on. I made my decision and I was now set. Now it was time to get the players together, so I could finally bring some closure to this messy part of my life.

I called Chloe, and asked her if she minded me dropping by in Spokane. She'd gone back there and we'd been in contact every day by text. She was concerned and kept telling me if I didn't go back and see her, she'd turn up here again. And this time she'd stay with me. I had been holding her at arms length, using every excuse I could think of, but now it was time. Time to face some music and perhaps, hear a fat lady sing.

I asked her if she could make sure that Jim and Kathy and Mark and Wendy would be there too. I could tell she was uncertain, but desperately hoping this was the start of some reconciliation. She did ask a little anxiously, "You aren't going to break anyone's arms or faces are you? I don't want more blood in the carpet to clean out."

I laughed and said, "No, I just need to see those guys. I've not spoke to Jim since that night, or Kathy, and there's some air clearing I need to do with Mark and Wendy too. Don't worry – there won't even be any raised voices."

She said, uncertainly, "Well, if you are sure, then yeah, I'm sure they would LOVE to see you. Tomorrow night?"

I said, "Can we make it three days? There is one more thing I need to do."

"Sure," she replied. "I cannot wait. Please tell me you'll stay."

"We'll see," I said, "Lets not get ahead of ourselves."

The disappointment in her voice was palpable, but she understood. "See you soon lover. Cannot wait."

I had one more thing to do that night, and got it done in moments. Then it was just time to wait.

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Three days later, I was in Spokane. Nothing much hand changed, except the season. I was in the corner bar, having one beer (no more!) and going over things in my head. I had a lot to say tonight and I wanted to be sure I covered it all and got it all right. I knew certain facts, had worked out and deduced others and some were plain guess work – I needed to be sure I knew which were which.

I downed the last of my beer and turned to leave and saw Sam standing behind me. "Oh man, back again J! Want that beer?"

I laughed and said, "Sam, I would love to but I need to go see Chloe. Once I am done, we are

definitely

having that beer. And I'll even let you buy it." I clapped him on the shoulders and walked out.

As I drove up to my old house, I could see that Jim's red Ford Explorer was outside. He was early, but then he would be, I would thought.

I went up to the front door and rang the doorbell to my own house – a very strange experience. The door opened and Chloe stood there, smiling at me. She looked awesome. Nice blouse, well tailored jeans, hair done, minimal but well done makeup, the whole deal.

"C'mon on in you idiot. You don't need to use the doorbell. This is your house too." In way it was – I had been supplementing her for the past two weeks, and I felt ok with myself doing so.

I walked in to the living room and found Jim and Kathy sitting on the couch, Mark and Wendy sitting at the living room table and Chloe had taken the side chair. Everyone stood up and there was an intake of breath. Kathy was holding Jim's hand and Wendy reached out to Mark. No one said anything; they just stood there looking at me.

I looked at all of them. At the concern on their faces. They so obviously wanted me to be ok with this, with them, to return things to they way they had been. There was an elephant in the room and no one knew what to say about it.

I knew what I had to say, but now was not the time. Not yet. The party wasn't complete yet.

"Hey. I think I need a beer too?" I said to Chloe. Everyone else had one, so what the hell. Chloe bustled off to get a beer and I just stood there.

Eventually Kathy said coolly, "You look good J."

I smiled back at her and said, "You too Kathy."

I wasn't going to make this easy but I wasn't going to be rude either.

Chloe came back with the beer and every one sat down again. Jim fiddled with his beer and said, "How's Portland? Does it really rain there more than here?"

I laughed and said, "How the hell would I know? You know I work inside. Most of the time I barely see a window. Remember my tan?"

Everyone tittered nervously – my lack of tan was legendary, and everyone always worried about my bald dome getting burnt the moment the sun came out. But it was a moment. There was a palpable lessening of the tension. I wouldn't say everyone relaxed, but the feeling of impending violence and the worry of my immediate reactions lessened considerably.

I sat down in another of the table chairs and looked at my beer. "Stella! Awesome. Thanks Chloe." She smiled at me. She'd started to pick up on the fact that I was self possessed and obviously ok with myself and I had something to say and she was now starting to wonder what it was.

"Look, " I said, "there are obviously quite a lot things I need to say. I have some questions to ask and some thing I need to know, but that can..." as I said it, the doorbell rang.

Chloe went to get up and I sprang up first. "Let me get that. I'm expecting them." I said. As I left the room, everyone looked at each with a wondering expression.

I went to the door and opened it, and there was Amy. Right on time. She was dressed in a conservative skirt suit, and her hair was up. There was no makeup and she was obviously taken aback at me answering the door. But with all things Amy, she kept her cool and did a fantastic job of hiding her surprise. "Hello J," she said after a beat, "I didn't expect to see you here."

I could see the cogs whirring in her head and I smiled at her. "Well, I am here. I'm sure you can draw conclusions from that. Please come in." I could see her hesitate, deciding if she wanted to go into a strange house with me - for reasons beyond the obvious - but she stepped in any way.

I was glad because if she'd left, I had no way of keeping her here, and she needed to be here for this. In lots of ways, this was all about her. "Come on in, meet the gang, " I said, "I've talked enough about them."

She went into the living room and looked around. Mark and Wendy got to their feet and gazed at her. Wendy had a large intake of breath and so did Kathy. The final nail.

"Guys, I'd like you to meet Amy Halsip. I'm sure the private dick you hired told you all about her." I said. Amy nodded at everyone and then looked questioningly at me.

"Actually, you know what? I have no idea why I am introducing you to her," I said, as I dropped back into my chair and picked up my beer, examining it. "You guys all know each other anyway. Right,

Doctor Ingram

?"

Amy, to give her her due, didn't jump. She must have known this was coming the moment she saw me at the door. She also didn't meet my eyes either though. She turned to Chloe and said "Chloe, would you be a dear and put the kettle on for some tea? I think I could use some."

I knew playing for time when I saw it and I said, "Sit down Doctor. Lets get cozy and chat."

Finally she looked at me and I could see, for once, her just not knowing what to say. There was a dangerous edge to my voice and everyone could hear it. Mark and Wendy just looked at each other, fright in their eyes. Jim and Kathy held onto each others hands for dear life and studiously avoided looking at anyone else. Chloe made tea making noises in the kitchen and then came out with a cup for Amy and handed it to her.

"Right," she said, "Enough. This is bullshit. Explain yourself please." She sat down and folded her arms and glared at me.

I looked long and hard at her, looking into her eyes. Then I spoke.

"Mark and Jim. I have a few questions and one thing I need to know, and I need you to be honest about it."

"What...whatever you need J," said Mark, with a small tremor.

"Yeah," added Jim. "If you know about her," he nodded at Amy/Jessica, "then there's no point is us lying. We'll give you the whole truth. Right?"

Everyone else nodded. I did actually trust him at this point. There was little point in them lying and if I caught them, it all would have ended instantly, and they had no idea what I knew or what I didn't know. If they really were contrite, they'd answer me everything I wanted to know.

"Question one. How much did she cost? I mean really?" I gestured to Amy, who was sitting motionless. "Her services have got to be astronomical?"

Jim gulped and said, quietly, "Two hundred and fifty thousand dollars."

There was a stunned silence in the room, while Amy sipped her tea. Even I was speechless.

"Jesus wept," I said. "That's what a night with my wife was worth?"

I couldn't help that – it just came out. On reflection it wasn't fair but some of the old bitterness was surfacing.

Jim was stung. All four of them were. "That's not at all what it was J. We were trying to repair the damage. That's what a friendship is worth. And more."

I didn't reply, instead turning to Amy – Doctor Ingram. "So Doctor Ingram. Can I call you Jessica? I would hope so, bearing in mind some of the things we've done together."

Amy / Jessica turned to me. She looked at me calmly and said, "You aren't going to be violent J. I know that. I'm....sorry. For everything. It was necessary. You needed it and I gave it. We... I... Well, the profile didn't cover as much as I would have liked it to. I..."

I just gazed at her. Eventually I said, "Do you have any idea how hard you are to find Jessica? You have no web presence. No one talks about your group. There's virtually no mention of you on forums. People just have to know you exist. I couldn't find hide nor hair of you, you know? Do you have someone looking for this stuff and removing it? I would imagine you do, to be that clean in terms of digital presence?"

She hesitated and then said "J, I would honestly be very interested in finding out how you found me. My group is

very

good at covering their tracks."

I laughed a gruff laugh came out more of a bark. "Oh I don't doubt it. I did find that Amy Halsip - the Amy Halsip you pretended to be – died when she was 18. I think you intended me to find that. I think the whole 'mystery background' thing was designed to entice me in, right?"

Amy/Jessica did smile back at me "Your profile did lean that way, yes."

I leaned back. "I'll bet it did," I said, "especially if this lot were giving it to you," gesturing at Mark and the group.

"So, all the secrets come out now eh guys? Shall I go through it for you? You can correct me on anything I get wrong?"

Everyone just stared at me with their best poker faces on. I took at another swig of beer and looked hard at Chloe, trying to read her, before I started in.

"So that day in Montana, you guys have been boozing all day, getting high and generally flirting and teasing each other. After the events of the night before, you guys thought I was on course to be in a sharing situation and you'd been priming yourself for it all day, right?" I looked at everyone and no one would meet my eye. Point made.

"Now you, Jim, Kathy and Mark, Wendy are priming this, because you've done this before, haven't you? This wasn't your first time up to dance, was it?"

Eventually Wendy met my eyes and said, "Yes. How did you know?"

"When I went upstairs to get my keys, I saw you and Mark with Kathy. Wendy, you are lovely, but you are the ultimate wasp. You aren't about to have Kathy here eat your pussy while your husband fucks her just because you got high. You'd done it before. No one was telling anyone anything or asking. There was experience there. One glance and I could tell."

Kathy bit her lip and Jim looked over at her.

"So the question for me was, was Chloe in on this at all? Had she played with you before?" I looked over at Chloe who gazed back at me with no indicators on her face. "Honestly though, I'm choosing to believe she hasn't, because if I do believe she had, we are 100% done. I think that you girls spent the day talking about it, making suggestions and generally pushing her in that direction though, am I right?"

Chloe then bit her lip too, but didn't look away.

Kathy spoke up, "Yes, we'd done it before. No, we hadn't included Chloe. Or you. She knew about it though. She's a smart girl and she picked up on it weeks ago. We wanted to get you guys in, but we didn't know how. You are a pretty straight guy J. We love you but we didn't know how you'd react if we just blurted it out. The whole weekend was designed to get us to that point, to see how receptive you and Chloe would be."

I nodded. "I figured. I don't understand why I was sent to chop the tree though. If you were trying to get me in the mood, why not get me slowly plastered during the day?"