The Encounter
Marcie:
The next day, we drove home in silence. I was contemplating Bill's revelation and his philosophy about love, marriage and monogamy. It was certainly different from the "rules" I had grown up under. The rules that governed my morality included never engaging in a sex act that I didn't control. When I was having sex, I had to maintain control. My need for control was paramount. It prevented me from complete spontaneity and kept me from abandoned freedom to enjoy the moment. I envied Bill's belief that marriage should be governed by the rules each partner sets; that we should be free from the sexual restraints of a traditional marriage I just wasn't sure I could rid myself of the cloak of control that I had inherited. I certainly didn't want to do anything that would jeopardize Bill's love or our marriage. Like he said, "it's complicated".
One evening about two weeks later, Bill and I were sitting on opposite ends of the couch lost in thought when he asked,
"Do you know what I want for my birthday? It's the Saturday after next," he declared.
"No."
Bill jokingly asked, "No what? No you don't know what I want, or no you didn't remember my birthday is coming?"
"No," I giggled, "I haven't forgotten your birthday; but, I don't know what you want."
After a short hesitation, he said "I want to do it," he said.
"You want to do what?" I asked.
"I want you to go to a hotel bar and see if a guy will pick you up."
I looked at him incredulously. "Are you crazy? I already told you that I am not having sex with some stranger!"
"I don't mean have sex, just do a little role-playing. It would be fun, and it would be a huge turn-on for me," he replied.
After a moment to consider his request, I asked, "Would you be there, watching?"
"Of course. I'd be there the whole time and any time you want to stop, just give me the high- sign and I'll tell the guy to shove off."
I thought some more, remembering Bill's fantasy and very vivid imagination. "Well, I don't know. It feels pretty creepy and scary to me. I sure wouldn't want anyone we know to see me." I said.
"No problem. We could go to the Marriott in the Marina. There are always lots of business men staying there and the lounge is very dark and comfortable. I could stay in the background and be ready to rescue you at any time." he said with his most eager, little boy grin.
"I see you've given this considerable thought," I told him with a chuckle, shaking my head. "I'll have to think about it."
The subject was dropped.
The following week I thought of little else. Bill's acceptance of sexual role-playing outside of the marriage was both appealing and very frightening. What happens if I do something he doesn't like? How do I know the boundaries? I was having trouble balancing my desire to meet Bill's expectations and wishes against my own deep-seated feelings of guilt for allowing my previous sexual desires shame my family all those years ago. I certainly didn't want to shame myself or Bill! I wanted to explore Bill's theories of sexual freedom and marriage, but at the same time I didn't. My feelings were complicated!
Again, Alice and I were having lunch alone at school and I told her about the weekend at the beach, the movie and how that led to mind-blowing sex. Almost reluctantly, I also told her about Bill's subsequent request for a birthday present.
As though she was out of breath, she gasped, "Are you going to do it?"
"I don't know. Being picked up in a bar is not me, but Bill seems really eager. I have to admit it sounds exciting and certainly triggers my imagination; but I just don't know. Part of me wants to please Bill, but I'm just not sure."
"Marcie, I understand but I don't see why this is that hard for you. You weren't shy about having sex with your past boyfriends, some of whom you hardly knew. Besides, this isn't about you having sex with some stranger. Bill's only talking about some harmless flirting and hand-holding. What's the problem with that?" Alice asked.
"The problem is that Bill will be watching. What happens if he becomes jealous and gets angry? It could ruin a great marriage." I retorted.
"It could also make the marriage even better," she said. "Besides, it's his idea, he's setting it up. Make sure he controls everything and that he is watching all the time. That way, he is responsible for the entire encounter and later he can't blame you for anything that happens."
"I still don't know. It just feels wrong. I need to think about it some more," I said as the bell rang. Just like the last time we talked, I thought of little else the rest of the day.
That night, after climbing into bed but before turning out the light I said, "Ok, you've got your birthday present."
Bill almost jumped out of bed he was so shocked.
He said, "Really. What made you change your mind?"
"I haven't changed my mind about NOT having sex with a stranger in some hotel"!
"No. No, I understand that. This is great. I'll arrange everything for next Saturday night."
"Ok, but I don't want any surprises. You have to tell me what you're doing. I'm still not sure and the idea scares me to death."
"Don't worry, baby. I'll take care of everything and I won't be more than a few steps from you all night. I promise."
As I turned out the light, Bill reached for me and I knew we were going to have another round of great sex. I had to smile because he is so predictable.
Bill