As with most of the stories I write, this started as a dream that wouldn't leave me.
All rights reserved by this author.
This is fiction, but is it really? Then again reality is stranger than fiction, is it not?
Sex is in your mind. I don't think sex is the major reason for cheating, though it is the one most people focus on. Emotional cheating generally leads to physical cheating. Emotional cheating is just as damaging to a marriage. Emotional cheating has many gray areas. Physical sex outside of marriage is a defining moment.
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I want to mention that I am an emotional guy. I cry at movies and become depressed when I hear of troubles our friends go through. When the following situation first came up, I was in denial. As the truth came out I hardened myself for the eventual showdown. Although I knew what I had to do, My heart was not in it. Anger, and anger alone moved me forward.
"Alice, after dinner I want to sit down and talk to you about our household expenses."
"OK dear, is there a problem?"
"Nothing major, just an adjustment of what we spend and how we pay for it."
"Do we have a money problem?"
"They are easily solvable."
"I am glad dear. Dinner will be ready in about 30 minutes."
"OK, I'm watching the news till it is ready. Tell me when."
I prepared for this sit-down with Alice, for over a month. I wanted to make sure there wouldn't be any questions when I got through.
As I sat in front of the TV I watched Alice happily preparing dinner for us. I thought about the 21 years we'd been married. The children were out of the house. Both were in university, the youngest, one year behind the other. The house felt empty when I was alone in certain areas of the house. The screams, yelling and fighting that were so annoying at the time, were missing now. I know Alice felt the same.
On the last day our youngest left the house Alice and I huddled together to support each other. Alice cried. I tried to comfort her, but realistically, I inwardly cried along with her. Whereas Alice found it easy to let her emotions come out, I found it difficult. My heart, felt like exploding out of my chest in sadness before tears flowed. I found no comfort shedding tears, and almost envied Alice that she had an outlet for her emotions.
When our children were old enough to start school, Alice took part-time jobs so that she could be home when the children got back from school each day. As the children got older, Alice worked more hours each day. By the time our youngest started high school Alice was working full days, no overtime.
Alice and I insisted that our children do well in school. It meant that they had to study and get good grades. Any grade below a "B" cut short their free or play time. Both children managed to do well in high school and came home every day with finished homework. We questioned how they managed it, but their grades were good and the teachers had only good things to say about them.
OK, it looks as though Alice is almost ready. Nope, she always has some last-minute item to carry out.
We married when we were both 20. I was comfortable with the relationship we had at the time. We had been exclusive for almost a year and living together for the last six months. Then Alice began hinting at marriage as a way of taking responsibility and care of each other. From my point of view, I found someone I was comfortable with and thought she would be a great life partner. Alice tells me that she wanted to marry because she was afraid of losing me.
Notice I haven't talked about love. Many of our friends mentioned "love", but I never really understood the feeling. I was infatuated with Alice. I lusted after her, most of the time. When she wasn't with me, I felt an emptiness. I enjoyed supporting her as much as I appreciated her support of me. We talked about everything, and disagreed about few things. Our morals and expectations of each other were in sync. But did all these feelings mean I loved her? After I accepted that all these feelings together defined love, I began telling her that I loved her.
Our parents were not happy that we wanted to marry so young. Their arguments were sound and made sense. Through all the pressure placed on us, we still insisted on marrying. When we couldn't be convinced to delay our desire to wed, parents on both sides agreed, under specific conditions. One of those conditions was that we use birth control. It made sense that a pregnancy would negatively impact our futures. We were still not married when our 4 parents had a sit-down with us and were very specific about what to do and not do, to avoid pregnancy. It was embarrassing to talk with our parents about such intimate details. I always thought it was the girl's problem, but quickly found out that it was mine as well. The jarring fact was that a pregnancy would affect our parents as well. For us to live, be married, and attend school, we would need their support.
We lived in my parents house' basement for the first 2 years of university, and in the attic of her parents house the last 2 years, before graduating. Sex was exploratory at first. I was her first. I came with some experience. But sex with a woman you cared for was different. I was so much bigger than she. I didn't want to hurt her. I didn't want to make her first time a bad experience. Surprisingly, it was both our mothers who sat down, first with me, and later with Alice, to explain the basic facts of foreplay, then placing my penis into her vagina. They explained that while my desire was obvious with an erection, her reaction was with lubrication. Our mental state could enhance our desires, or kill them. We were given several pamphlets and books to read, then tested on them. Later, alone, we laughed and supported each other with the humiliation we had gone through.
I think she is getting ready to call me now. Yup, dinner is ready!
I came to the kitchen to help bring the food to the dinning room table. It was our habit to have all the food on the table before we began to eat. Alice, and I agreed, it was not fun having to get up each time to bring another course or remove dished from the table. It was this way when the children were still in the house. Alice wanted as much table time as I. I always worked with her to clean up afterwards. Cooking was her domain. Although I could cook, I was not as talented as she.
Alice felt that the environment and furnishings of the house made it warm or cold. The same held true for the food, or the display of our meals. It always had to be just right. Since I was not fussy about those things, she made all the decisions.
After helping Alice to bring the food to the table, we sat down and looked at each other. One of our habits was to take a minute and look at what we had. If not saying a prayer, at least take the moment to appreciate all we had.
A little wine, or in my case a half glass of beer, and we were ready to compliment the food and then sample what looked good. Most everything looked good. Alice was a fine cook and frequently told me that she enjoyed seeing me eat what she prepared. It was also an excuse for her to not eat too much. She like most women was perpetually on a diet.
Halfway through the meal I looked at her and said, "You are beautiful. I don't know what I would do without you."
"Thank you dear. What brings this on?"
"Sometimes, I feel that I am losing you. I know we have our individual activities, but occasionally I feel that yours are taking you away from me."
"I would never leave you," she said. "We married for life. I could not imagine living without you."
"Do you really mean that? I asked.
She looked a bit nervous, but answered, "why would you think otherwise?"
"Like I said, I feel a growing distance between us, and it saddens me."
"Maybe you're reacting to the empty nest syndrome," dear.
"Yeah, maybe. You don't feel the same?"
"No dear. I have what I need, and I am happy with it."
"OK then, maybe it is all in my head."
We continued eating and talking about the general news and news about friends and family. When we finished the meal I turned the stereo to an "old time" radio station.
"It brings back memories," I said.
"Tonight has you feeling nostalgic," she said. "Any particular reason?"
