Missed Connections

"You really think Amy went an entire year or longer without experiencing a single orgasm?"

I find myself sitting in the cold, windowless office of Dr. Campbell. I decided that if Amy refused counseling, maybe I could benefit from it. I mean, my life was definitely messed up enough. Sarah was insistent that he was single handedly responsible for challenging her, and Geoff's views of their own tragic situation. Even if my life with Amy was permanently over, maybe I could better appreciate how I screwed up in the last act and learn from my numerous mistakes.

"I guess you would have to ask her to be sure. Perhaps on a few occasions she got close, or maybe just experienced a few shallow ones. But no, for the most part, I am pretty certain our encounters were mostly one sided after she started on the anti-hormone treatments. At least, that's what I chalked it up to be."

"It's not hard to imagine why she was disinterested in sex. Especially if it was painful too, right? And you on the other hand continued to carry on as if nothing had changed?"

"Well, no clearly things had changed. She complained to her doctor, I was even there. He was mostly unsympathetic, and insisted things would normalize as she adjusted to treatment and fully recovered from all of the surgeries. He looked me in the eye and suggested we stay the course, it will get better. Things never really improved. And, on his advice I never really tried changing anything."

"That's too bad. I wish we had met sooner, I would have offered considerably different advice. Remember that it's the oncologist's job to save the patient's life; sometimes, a more realistic preview of what happens on the medications discourages patients from ever adhering to the prescribed therapy. That said, I want you to focus on the things you may have done, intentionally or otherwise, that actually hurt your marriage vs. the consequences that arose from your actions - or in some cases, inactions."

"The things that I have done or...not done? I don't follow."

"Kyle, you walked in today believing that your emotional affair was the cause of Amy filing for divorce, and blaming yourself for the error. Your attempted affair was actually a symptom, not a cause of your marital problems."

"So, blame Amy and her cancer treatments for the demise of our previously happy marriage?"

"Sadly - no. I mean to a degree of course you are both to blame, maybe Amy more innocently as she didn't ask to be diagnosed with a life threatening illness. This caused a silent resentment to build across the board, most acutely concentrated around your troubles in the bedroom. Kyle, if we had met earlier I could have helped you with this - Amy was fundamentally a different person after the illness and its associated treatments. She needed you to be a fundamentally different husband, to better accept that she is a dramatically changed wife."

"Yeah, and definitely not for the better..."

"Stop Kyle. You think she was any less upset about this than you? How do you think she felt, attempting to be intimate, when sex previously gave her pleasure and now offers pain? Do you think she was a little bit jealous, to say the least, that she didn't orgasm for over a year and you could climax virtually on demand? You were already sleeping on a bed soaked in gasoline, and seeing a photograph with you and another woman was the match that lit it on fire and burned your loving home straight to the ground."

"Assuming I had met you six months earlier...could we have saved our marriage?"

"It depends, maybe, maybe not. In these situations, there are really a range of outcomes, I can distill them down to the four big ones. The best case is I work with couples to reinvent their entire approach to initiating and sustaining intimacy. Basically, throw out everything you think you know about your partner, and start over as if it was a fresh, new relationship - because in many ways, it is."

"That sounds impossible when we've already been a couple for over 20 years."

"I didn't say it was easy, or even likely. Just possible. There are a number of ways to interest a woman in sex, and most established couples don't ever take the time for actual exploration. Dirty talk, role play, toys in the bedroom. Fantasies, fetishes, sometimes even BDSM - for a lot of couples, a hidden undiscovered world awaits, and she wouldn't even know especially if you tried asking directly. These secret urges exist for nearly everyone, even if only subconsciously, and even in cases where a woman is postmenopausal or on hormone suppression. You probably didn't bother exploring these before, because you didn't have to. In earlier times, your natural hormonal drive was more than enough to sustain a healthy relationship. When this disappeared for Amy, you replaced it with...well, nothing at all. I typically spend a dozen or more coaching sessions with qualified, open minded couples teaching how to explore this, with successful results in at least half of all cases."

"We never actually tried any of that. So, this leaves 3 more options. I'm listening"

"The next 2 most common options involve some degree of celibacy for either the couple, or at least the sexually compromised spouse. Often, mature older couples gravitate to this naturally. They accept their fate, and the change is recognized usually as a cessation of physical sexual activity. These couples try and successfully refocus their marriages around companionship. For younger couples, this usually isn't an acceptable option. In those cases, I would expect some sort of intentionally renegotiated marriage contract. Oftentimes, one where the marriage itself is maintained typically to preserve continuity for the children, or really for any other good reason. But essentially, the compromised spouse is agreeing in a sense to turn a blind eye to the fact their spouse is seeking fulfillment of their physical, and oftentimes their emotional needs related to sex, beyond the boundaries of their traditional marriage."

"You mean opening the marriage? Does that actually work?"

"Well, more often than you might think when there are no other alternatives besides divorce. The concept is called ethical non monogamy. Essentially, the uncompromised spouse seeks their own extramarital partner with the full knowledge and consent of their sexually compromised partner. Usually though, these open arrangements are somewhat of a stop gap. Frequently, couples gravitate back to a mostly celibate lifestyle as they age - with maybe some occasional opportunistic indiscretions, which are usually forgiven in context. Or, in other cases, the uncompromised partner eventually becomes completely infatuated with their extramarital partner and naturally moves to divorce from their compromised spouse. This most commonly happens as children age out of the marital home, or sometimes more spontaneously as events spiral out of control...a lover forces an ultimatum, an unintended pregnancy occurs beyond the marriage, etc. And that leaves us with the 4th most common outcome."

"And that would be personified in Amy simply kicking me out of the house?"

"Well - more or less. But yes, it's not at all uncommon for couples to just declare irreconcilable differences up front and divorce. In these cases, usually it's a merciful dissolution for both parties. In Amy's example, she most likely is viewing herself as a liberator - freeing herself from the obligation to perform sexually for a husband who no longer can physically pleasure her, while at the same time offering you an open opportunity to establish a healthy, more mutually satisfying sexual relationship with a new partner.

"So, you're saying I should officially accept Amy's intent to divorce me, and move on? I was foolish to think there was ever really a chance at reconciliation."

"I don't see a chance at reconciliation from here. I wish I had gotten with you sooner. From your descriptions of Amy, I actually think you could've had a shot at reinventing your physical love life, or at least given it a genuine try before either seeking other arrangements or giving up altogether. But it seems as if it's probably too late now. Kyle, I'm sorry."

"One final question Dr. Campbell - if you'll indulge me. In the instance where a couple agrees to explore the concept of ethical non monogamy, are there any rules or frameworks you see to help this actually be successful over the long term?" I was being a bit self-serving here with my question, not sure if Dr. Campbell had connected the dots between Sarah's referral, the fact she was the woman in Amy's photo exposing me as a perceived adulterer, and her own status as an affiliated patient with a compromised partner of her own.

"Basically, there are two rules here...one obvious and usually uncontroversial, and the other much more so, and sometimes even a deal breaker for couples. Even though to me, it completely makes sense. First off, the spouses need total trust and excellent communication at all times. No secrets, or half truths, ever. They need to know where their spouse is, who they are with, etc. Note, the details on what they are actually doing together can usually be obscured, spouses should maintain some expectation of privacy under the circumstances. Imaginations can sometimes run wild anyway, but usually partners in mentally healthy situations won't genuinely desire any salacious details of their spouses' extramarital activities. But they should expect their committed life and marriage partner to be operating in plain sight at all times, when they are departing, returning, approximate location, etc."

"That wasn't necessarily intuitive to me, so I might have learned something new. What's the deal breaker?"

"Simply put, whatever one spouse gets to pursue without retribution, so does the other. That can manifest itself in a number of ways. For example, in your case it would mean full transparency for Amy when you are pursuing any extramarital activity, and in return, she gets equal time to spend on a girls night...or self indulgence in a non-sexual activity, all on her own - if she pleases - and most likely, she will. Strictly interpreted, it also means Amy remains free to openly explore extramarital relationships of her own, without judgment or inhibition from you, should she eventually choose to do so. The same rules must apply. This is the wrinkle people usually don't see coming, but it speaks intuitively to the same triggers that make fantasies and fetishes so powerful for rebuilding lost intimacy in these patients. There is a sort of unnatural power in new relationships and experiences, especially for women, that can sometimes overpower everything else stacked up against them. And boy oh boy, do the husbands hate hearing that. But it's true."

My mind was spinning as I walked out of Dr. Campbell's office. It was a lot to process, and definitely helpful in coming to accept my marriage both in absolute terms, and relevant terms as I ever knew it to exist before, was now over. There was no path back to the relationship we had previously, and at this point, no obvious reason to adopt any of the potential alternatives other than divorce. I was ready to move on.

So - what now? Drag out a divorce negotiation, or settle - and then what do I do? I hadn't been on a legitimate date in over 20 years, my adroit handling and botched attempt at an affair with Sarah surely didn't inspire confidence I had any idea what I was doing. All of this was in the mix as I contemplated the invitation Sarah made for dinner with Geoff this coming Saturday night. From my POV, I was on the path to becoming a totally free man. I didn't have quite the same relationship burden as Sarah anymore. For that, maybe I should be grateful. I really didn't know what to expect heading into this dinner, but I was hoping it might bring things to some sort of closure while allowing a reconciliation (if actually necessary) for Sarah and Geoff. I certainly didn't want her to have to go through anything like what I was experiencing with Amy.

Saturday night's dinner arrived on a much friendlier set of terms than I might have ever imagined. I arrived to find Geoff and Sarah seated at a round table set for 3. It showed the kind of attention to detail I admired in a woman, while enabling a somewhat effortless conversation amongst all of us as effectively, we are all seated equally adjacent to each other. Geoff appeared to me to be the prototypical academic - clad in jeans and a sportcoat, with thick rimmed glasses and a bit of a wild, unkempt hairstyle. He was still rather trim for his age and health, and otherwise had an appearance consistent with his 60 years of age. Geoff had no hesitation to stand and vigorously shook my hand upon first introduction. I definitely couldn't get over the feeling it was a bit of a power move, but at the same time I was having flashbacks to when I first met my in-laws over dinner decades earlier with Amy. Kind of the same vibe with Geoff - only this time, it was his wife's, not his daughter's honor, that was to be protected.

Sarah had already ordered a bottle of her favorite red wine, and she and Geoff were deep into their first glass. I poured a glass as well, in hopes it would help settle my nerves and make the awkward conversation well, maybe just a little less awkward. I decided to let my false bravado match Geoff's and took control of the discussion, with topics ranging from my professional career (Sales Director), my exhaustive travel experience (highlights from my first time meeting Sarah) and finally, to adjusting to life as a bachelor for the first time as a mature adult. The banter flowed effortlessly until the wine was exhausted. We hadn't seen the waiter for a half hour and the restaurant was now busy - Geoff had waved off the dinner order a couple times already. His eyes got a bit more serious, and he turned to address Sarah.

"Sarah, sweetheart...why don't you make your way to the bar to inquire about a second bottle of wine for the table? In fact, maybe have a cocktail or something, I would like just a moment or two to speak directly with our friend Kyle." Sarah quietly demurred, and then walked slowly through the crowd towards the bar. I was feeling a little self conscious she might actually get hit on hanging out drinking by herself, and wasn't crazy about the idea of fending for myself alone with Geoff.

"Kyle, you seem like a really nice guy. It's too bad to hear about your relationship ending with Amy. You know, I didn't ever see myself as the marrying type before meeting Sarah. I spent 15 years chasing tail all around the university, hell when I first started here Sarah herself would have been just a little girl. I never could have imagined the opportunity to eventually build our adult lives together. Now, I can't imagine living hardly a day without her. I would be lost if she ever decided to leave me."

I took a deep drag on my remaining wine and nodded. I didn't have much to add and decided to remain silent, and see if Geoff would continue talking.

"Kyle, I asked Sarah to invite you to dinner tonight in order to share something extremely personal with you. I need you to understand why I feel compelled to do this...basically, you personify two of my most acute personal fears, and that's to a degree why I have this incredible respect for you. And hope that in time, I can confide in you - with my own deepest vulnerabilities. I think that eventually, we might consider trusting each other over the care of my most valuable personal asset."

"Geoff, we're speaking now of your wife Sarah, of course. I hope you understand I accepted tonight's invitation under the most honorable of circumstances. Certainly, Sarah conveyed this to you in advance of our meeting."

Geoff's eyes narrowed, he looked from left to right as if to make sure there was nobody interloping in the conversation that was about to come.

"Look, Kyle, if we are really going to trust each other, we are both going to need to dispense with all the pomp and bullshit on why we are really here. I want you to understand that when I realized what was happening to me after surgery, I knew that the life I had known before was completely over. There was no way I was coming all the way back from this. My two greatest fears were suffering the loss of physical intimacy with the greatest love of my life, and the inevitability she would eventually leave me for a younger, more physically capable man. And do you know what happened once I finally stopped taking pity on myself and accepted this?"

I took the final drag on my wine glass while maintaining eye contact with Geoff, and remained silent.

"I accepted that she deserved better. I had 15 years of college age lovers in my prime that Sarah never experienced. Do you know she maintains that I am the only partner she's ever had? Even at this late moment, I am not quite sure I believe her. It's hard to imagine she could have learned everything she is capable of from me alone."

"You have less to worry about than you think Geoff. My experience suggests Sarah is more than content with you remaining her one and only lover. I believe you have an honorable and fully committed wife." Ask me how I know, at least I am silently thinking to myself.

Geoff covers his mouth and expression with his hand. "Fuck you, Kyle. You don't know what it's like to require a mechanical device to facilitate the facade of an erection. Or to watch your loving wife fake her orgasms while repeatedly grinding on an impossibly limp dick."

"But I do know what it's like to have a spouse incapable of participating in, or enjoying sex."

"Uh-huh. And I bet you also know how it feels when that same spouse kicks your ass to the curb too."

Suddenly, I understood Geoff to be making a point here. We both stared into each other's eyes with a quiet, surreal understanding of the situations we encountered independently. Different altogether but yet somehow, the same. Our silence was broken as a slightly more intoxicated version of Sarah reappeared to join the table.

"I managed to wrangle another bottle of red from the bartender. Hopefully the waiter comes back soon, we've got to order dinner! Teehee!"

Sarah was feeling absolutely no pain as she refilled our glasses while the waiter reappeared to take our dinner order. The conversation returned to more benign topics of Geoff's work at the university, and tales from a recent Caribbean vacation where Sarah's travel naivete was once again a source of amusement for everyone. It wasn't until after the second bottle of wine was drained and the dinner dishes cleared before Sarah excused herself to the ladies room that Geoff and I were once again, alone, in a rapidly quieting restaurant.

"Kyle, what happens from here isn't really up to me. If Sarah decides to pursue a relationship with you, it won't be behind my back. I won't impede on her freedom as a responsible adult. I will however ask for a commitment from you. Please be respectful of our situation and ultimately...our marriage. Sarah is the most important thing in the world to me, so much so that I am willing to offer her something previously unimaginable, as a consolation for the things I could once provide that I now cannot. You already know the pain of losing a partner outright in this situation, I have to trust that this will guide your actions responsibly from this point forward."

"Geoff, I don't intend to pose any threat to your marriage. If anything happens after tonight, it will have to be initiated by Sarah. Not from me."

"Kyle." Geoff leans in and looks from side to side one again to determine if anyone is in earshot. "I trust you to be an intelligent man. You have every right to take advantage of this situation, because if I was in your shoes...knowing what I know today that maybe you don't...well, you could bet your ass that I would. I'm asking you, man to man, just not to take advantage of me. Are we understood?"