Marge, Mary and Me
Sheila and I had been married for almost twenty years when I caught her cheating. It was almost as if she was trying to get caught, she hardly hid her sexploits at all.
I caught her in bed, drug the asshole boyfriend outside and we traded punches for a few minutes until I knocked his ass out. Of course when the cops arrived, and she stuck up for the boyfriend instead of me, the dumbass, no-clue husband, and I spent several days in jail. The boyfriend had already recovered from the whooping I had given him by the time I got out. I pressed charges since he was pressing charges. The fact that the cops had documented everything worked in my favor, as I was released into my own custody, minus five hundred dollars fine, and a five thousand dollars retainer for my lawyer. My wife never even apologized. She proved herself to be a real cunt. Why on earth did I ever marry this witch? I must have lost my mind.
So it was just he-said, she-said and I-said... along with what-the-cops-said. Both cases were dismissed for lack of clear evidence. Then a week later I was brought in publicly drunk. They tossed me in the drunk tank and the next day several detectives visited me before I was released.
"Mr. Passer, how long have you been in here?"
"Well guys... I don't know how I even got here. Last time I looked I was having a nice conversation with Mr. Jim Beam and Mr. Johnny Walker. Then I wake up here with a splitting headache, and now I have to go stand in front of the judge. So to answer your question, I have no idea. Now I'm curious, why do you ask? Don't you guys have some kind of record of that sort of thing? I mean don't they take note of when you got in here?"
"Robert Patrick got assaulted by his car and wound up in the hospital again, so since he was your wife's lover, you are the prime suspect. We have since found out that four other wives have, um... succumbed to his charms, so their husbands and boyfriends are also being checked out. However, since you have been a guest of the state, you have a very good alibi.
"If you figure out who did it, please let me know... So I can send him some money for his legal fees. I owe him for doing what I wanted to do. Is that asshole Robert Patrick going to live?"
"He's recovering. His testicles took a beating, I don't know how that's going to work out." I swear the cop smirked. Cops are humans too.They knew exactly what happened.
"Oh well, damn. Wishes don't always come true! What hospital is the asshole staying at? I'd like to give him a little visit." My smile belied my murderous intent. But not by much.
"No, no, no. Please don't do that. We don't want to have to arrest you again. I'm also asking you, as a personal favor, to not go beat this guy up again. Please?" The cop implored me. He really did not want to arrest me again. "You know, I went through the exact same thing with my ex. She wanted to see if there was someone better than me, and she was taking applications before we were even divorced. I almost killed one of her boy toys. I am lucky five of my friends held me down."
"You were going to shoot him?"
"Oh no, I was going to rip him apart by hand! I was seeing red, I was so damned angry. Please ... I know that you would love to help him meet God. I am begging you to not beat the crap out of the SOB. Please?" The cop was very sincere. He had zero desire to arrest me.
"Fine...I will let the bastard alone for now. I really do want to kill the son of a bitch. But my head hurts and I have to get to my job, if they haven't already fired me. I need a good divorce attorney as well. Any ideas guys?"
One of the detectives gave me a business card for his cousin, a shark. The divorce was over and done in three months. Surprisingly, I wound up with the house because of the lack of equity, and her desire to be with her new boyfriend. She wanted to marry the bastard as soon as the ink was dry on the divorce. I had the lawyer put in a provision for the kids' benefit that should either parent die, 70% of the estate would be distributed to our children. She even thought about it and agreed to it. Well how about that! It would be a stipulation in any prenup for either of us going forward. So the kids were going to be protected from her future husband or boyfriends. Same thing with me, although I was not likely to be getting married ever again. I can't believe we actually agreed on this, but miracles do happen.
When we were married we had taken out quite a bit of life insurance, it was mostly on me for her, but it didn't cost very much more for a matching policy on her life for me. So eight months after we were separated, she perished in a terrible plane crash. Technically, we were still married, although it was really just waiting for the paperwork and judges signature. I had not heard from anyone until my kids called me with the news that she had been on the plane that went down. The news said that there were no survivors and photos of the crash were of total destruction. I just knew in my heart she was gone. I really didn't wish her dead. I just didn't want to be married to her anymore.
In the church, her body lay in a closed casket, with me weeping openly with my two kids, the eighteen year old daughter and nineteen year old son, Jackie and Ronald. My ex-wife's boyfriend arrived, and all of a sudden we were going to kill each other. I got him in a hammer lock and walked him out of the church. We had a nice little quiet conversation. After he and I got a few bandages on, we returned to stand up front by the casket. Him on one end, me on the other. I did not like it, but technically, I was married to her, and he was not, our previous twenty years of sorta wedded bliss just notwithstanding. I wanted to put him in a matching casket right then and there, but thoughts of my kids stayed my hand.
"Dad I am so proud of you! You did not kill the damned bastard!" my daughter declared. She and my son shared my intense dislike for my dead ex-wife's new boyfriend. They hated his guts. He did not like them either.
The funeral went off without any more problems
after that. I was at home when I received two big checks, one from the airlines insurance company for fifty thousand dollars, and one from our family's insurance company for two million dollars. To say that I was shocked would be an understatement.
The fifty thousand dollars was for preflight insurance that cost like fifty or a hundred bucks, a standard for folks traveling by plane. It was clearly made out to me, in my wife's own handwriting postscript 'I love you Frank'. Who knew it would be the last time she wrote me. It was like a gift from beyond the grave.
The other check was for a policy that was actually still in effect, even though we were (almost)divorced. The policy premiums were taken out automatically every month. I thought it was just going to the kids automatically, but the beneficiary (me) had not been changed at all. Because she had died in an aircraft accident, it was considered double indemnity. One million dollars became two million dollars. So all my bills were going to be paid! I paid for the kids last remaining college expenses, not that much since both kids had lots of scholarships, and both worked as well. There were several student loans, but I paid them all off. Both of my kids would graduate free and clear of any educational debt. I paid off my mortgage, and assorted bills. I even paid the funeral cost. It was the right thing to do.
I had not been on vacation for many years, so I had over three months accrued time off. I took it. I wanted to just relax and heal emotionally for a little while.
I went fly fishing. I took a week in Vegas. I visited my brother in San Francisco. I went back home, and cleaned up my house. Well I got some nice women to do a great job of it.
For the first time in years, I was going to the gym, doing the exercises the trainer told me to, getting in some kind of shape. I did actually feel a bit better after a good hard workout. In six months I lost fifty pounds. I had to buy new clothes. The surprise for me was there were a few abdominal muscles under all the flab I was losing. I don't want to brag, but I was looking good. I had a four pack! I was in better shape than I had been in years.
I had time on my hands, so I made a few changes to the house. I had the footprint of the home enlarged slightly, a few new bathrooms and bedrooms put in, and a pool installed. The garage I had completely rebuilt to accommodate four cars and a mother-in-law suite for my mother-in-law, if she would need to be taken care of. She had been very kind to me during the divorce, always hoping for a reconciliation, until it became impossible. Fact is, she was kinder to me than my ex-wife throughout the marriage! I should have married her. She was always welcome.
