AUTHORS NOTE: What follows are two more chapters, #4 & #5, in what will be a longer series, "Lucy's Erotic Education."
Introduction:
"Lucy's Erotic Education" is about the sexual experiences of my wife-to-be before we met. She has finally agreed to share these with me only after I have long pestered her to do so. I had hoped that we would both find that her recollections of earlier sexual adventures would provoke excitement for us — Lucy in the telling and me in the listening. And that ultimately proved to be the case.
Most of Lucy's highly descriptive recounting is from her nearly two year relationship with a wealthy older man who guides her through a series of highly erotic episodes. These build in her an ardent craving for more sexual stimulation and leave her at times feeling corrupted, dissolute, even addicted. Much of this lustful hunger was provoked by her frequent exposure to very special erotic films and photographs created or acquired by her older confidante and mentor. Lucy describes these and her reactions to them, as well as her own sexual acts, in shameless and lewd detail. She does this in a long recording she made for me based on her diary and notebooks from this period.
The sexual experiences Lucy describes leave me with much to try to understand — and accept. Now I need to better comprehend my wife's deepest, partially hidden from me until now, sexual predilections and needs and to consider how our relationship, and especially our sexual lives, might be enriched in the years ahead.
Chapter four: An Erotic Movie Leads to Sex With Chad and Lily
Will, after that first time I did return to watch several more of Beri's erotic movies in the weeks ahead. Most of them were from the Seventies and Eighties and several featured women and men who already were or later became well known cinema stars. I recall especially a French film in which the very sexy Romy Schneider was shared by several men who worked on her wealthy family's farm in Normandy. In a barn, in a field, in the back of a truck. So decadent. And such a turn on to watch someone I had seen in popular and well-regarded movies participating in such raw sexual situations. In another French film a young, irresistible and enthusiastic Emmanuelle Beart, certainly still a teenager, was on a yacht, pursued and taken by several friends, both men and women, of the wealthy older owner. Even I felt desire for her, Will.
Sometimes Beri and I were very quiet during a movie, just letting our level of engagement rise. But usually Beri asked me what I was feeling as we watched. I became more and more frank in my comments. If I said to him that the scene we were watching made me feel hot and horny he might whisper, "Don't you want to touch yourself, Lucy? I would like that."
So often I did do that, Will. I liked doing it while he was there and we were watching something that turned me on. The films were a strong aphrodisiac, my sexual hunger rising. I would like to see some of them again sometime. With you.
Sometimes Beri would encourage me to fantasize while we watched and then he would begin to touch me. When I was watching a couple make love he might ask if I would I like to be that woman. Was I picturing myself in her position? I knew it excited him if I would respond by saying something like, "I would like to be that woman Beri, to be fucked hard that way, to have a man use me so selfishly. I would want that, to give in to him, let him take advantage of me."
"And what else would you have wanted to happen," Beri might say. And I might fantasize just to please him. I began to enjoy sexual dialog and using strong sexual words, even very coarse and vulgar terms. Dirty words. Saying forbidden things I began to enjoy that more and more and I knew he wanted to hear more and more.
Will, I remember saying once during a movie, "Beri, after that man I wanted had finished with me I would ask him to blindfold me and handcuff me and to then give me to his friend, the one who was always staring at me. And I would have asked the friend to lie on the bed and let me sit on his face. And I would tell him that if he brought me off that way with his mouth that I would offer him my cunt any way he wanted and and anything else that he wanted, even my hot ass. I would like to be with a man who knows how to please my ass, Beri, first with his finger and then with his tongue and then pushing his cock in until I could take it smoothly and enjoy his long hard strokes filling me up. I'd like to have an orgasm for him just from him being in my ass like that."
Watching those special movies Beri acquired almost always made me very hot and, if we smoked a joint as we watched, my mind seemed to open up and expand even more and I would envision myself unrestrained in sexual situations. Beri's special movies would lead me to think about actually doing things that I would not even have thought about until my time with him. I lusted to have sex in ways I had thought of as forbidden and I liked talking about them. Nothing that I said ever seemed to embarrass or offend Beri.
Sometimes we talked about whether we desired someone in the movie we were watching. Usually he would ask me what I thought about a particular man. Sometimes I would say to him, "That man turns me on, Beri. I would love to fuck that guy if he was here right now." And several times he responded, "Lucy my dear, I know someone like that who could please you." I did not respond but it made me think about it. I had not had intercourse in many months.
Sexually, Beri was very patient with me, pleasing me with his hands and his mouth, though I was disappointed that he avoided intercourse. Sometimes I wondered if his health was really the only issue. Or did he fear he would disappoint me, not be able to remain hard or would ejaculate far too soon? Did he feel that in comparison to the men in the films his small size would repel me? I never felt I fully understood this aspect of his sexuality. Perhaps he simply found that seducing me, watching me, listening to me, and pleasing me in other ways was sufficient both for me and for himself.
So we went on in this way. And at that point I did not feel I was being manipulated or pressured. We often met in the evening at an arts event. Though it was unspoken, we knew we did not want to be viewed as a couple. Usually we did not arrive or leave together but agreed to meet later at his apartment. Often we had a late supper there; he cooked or we ordered from favorite restaurants. Sometimes we just talked or read together. When one of Beri's special movies was available we watched it, almost always a foreign film with footage of the actors engaging in real sex, always very provocative. But we watched other movies too, often classics, often French or Japanese, but from other countries as well.
During this time I finished my thesis and it was accepted so that I would receive my MBA at the end of the semester. In fact my thesis got very positive comments from my main advisor who suggested that I consider applying for a Ph.D. I could finish the course work for that in an additional 18 months and I could expand my thesis into a dissertation. I knew that would take at least another year. So I was trying to decide what to do: search for a full time job or formally apply for the doctoral program at the Kellogg School. After a series of interviews I accepted a job with the ACAG, the Association of Chicago Art Galleries. It seemed like a good start and I could draw on what I had learned in doing my thesis. And I could always decide later to enter the Ph.D program.
After I had been seeing Beri for six months, he shocked me one evening by asking me how I would feel about him inviting a young couple he was friends with to watch one of his "special" films with us. He described it briefly for me. At first I told him I was doubtful that I could handle that, that I would be shy and nervous and defensive. Beri reminded me of how receptive I had become to the growing eroticism of our times together over the past months. He said, "Lucy, I have been so impressed at how open to new adventures you have been, even with my own sexual limitations. You have seemed to embrace the sexual journey we have been on together. Hasn't it given you new pleasure and excitement? But perhaps you have concluded that this has gone far enough, maybe too far, and maybe I have overstated what I have perceived as your sexual curiosity, desire, and daring. Maybe I should not suggest another step Maybe you need time to think. I don't want to push you where you do not want to go.
"Take your time, Lucy. But I really hope you will consider my suggestion. My friends Chad and Lily are an attractive and sensitive couple in their early thirties. We could all relax together, maybe start by sharing a joint, and then feel an erotic high together as we watch a sexy movie in the dark. fLucy, nothing will ever happen to you while you are with me that you don't want to happen. You already know that. However, I venture that watching this film with them sitting near to us will make you feel very alive sexually, something new and more edgy— and I think you like that feeling. That could be enough, just that."
During the days that followed I thought about Beri's suggestion. At times I thought of it as a dare. I recognized from his enthusiasm that this kind of situation must be a special turn on for him. Playing the roles of mentor and enabler. I was not blind to that. And I admitted to myself that I had grown to relish feeling sexually daring. I even thought that of myself as having been brave in agreeing to new experiences in his company. And he was right that so far I had enjoyed that journey. I told myself I should feel thankful to him and have confidence in his proposals. So, with some reservations, I called him on that Wednesday to tell him that I was ready to join the three of them on Saturday evening.
When I arrived, Chad and Lily were already there having drinks with Beri. Indeed, as Beri had said they were very attractive, especially Chad who was tall and blond and handsome and looked very strong. Lily was very pretty though seemed not quite on the same level physically. They seemed very pleased, even excited, to meet me and we talked easily over dinner, mostly about particular things we liked about living Chicago.
After dinner Beri suggested that we smoke together and then watch a new British film he had acquired. So that was what we did. Things were going very smoothly Soon I was relaxed and mellow. I recall that at one point Lily said, "Beri, she is just as lovely as you told us. Really stunning!"
I was unsure how to take that comment but I was in the mood to let it pass. Beri had moved two small couches into the room where we would watch the film and, after we were seated, he lowered the lights — lower than usual I noticed.
