Losing: an Unexpected Sequel

Author's Note.

I hadn't planned on doing this one. But I sort of hated leaving Jim out there - although that was exactly the point of the original story. I left myself an "out" in the original "Losing" story, most of which was trimmed with the removal of two supporting story arcs. About three months before Christmas I decided to dust off those notes and see if I could tell a tale of what happened to poor Jim and do so with another message. I found the message and the story was written.

The goal was to publish in time for Christmas. As the saying goes, "Man plans and God laughs." It's been a harrowing year, I expected to step back from my business and have not. Even worse, I was burying old friends at an alarming rate earlier last year. The whirlwind stepped back in to ensure that this story was published five weeks later than planned. So be it.

Not much sex here, nor humor. There is a thorough discussion of an important subject. If that doesn't sound like what you're up for then I'd jump ship now. I appreciate your giving me a chance to speak to you, I truly don't want to waste your time.

Enough blather, let's roll this puppy out.

Losing: An Unexpected Sequel

Prologue: Addie

I've never quite understood our relationship with time. That we're inextricably linked to it is the only part I really do understand. Is time a component of our makeup, a realm in which we live, or is it a force through which we travel? Physically there's supposedly no essence to time, yet we understand that things happen in our lives in a linear fashion: that one thing happens before or after another. For the regular person, if not philosophers, causality seems obvious enough: that one thing can cause another. Heck, isn't that Newtonian inertia? Even if time is linear there are so many paths, so many branches, so many possibilities and paths for us to follow that there's simply no way to follow them all. I try to keep it all in front of me, keep it simple so it doesn't overwhelm me. I'm not trying to control it; I'm trying to control myself.

But I still don't understand which of these factors compelled me to commit murder. Was it that I met Jim in the first place or was it that I fell in love with two men in my life? That was benign when it happened. I fell for Rob first, but we'd broken up and gone our separate ways. Was it that both men came to overlap into my life when Rob returned? Whatever caused me to fall in love with Rob reforged me into only part of a greater whole, without Rob I felt incomplete. Rob was so like me. We were part of "us", incomplete without the other.

After life tore Rob and me apart, or our misunderstanding of life anyway, I found another man: Jim. He was so different from me. I loved him too; hero worshipped him really. He gave all of himself to me, but I never felt part of him. Instead, it felt like he was the great powerful thing of beauty entrusted to me. He was greater than me. He was the powerful ring and I was a temporary bearer. I fear looking back into that mindset to find the answer, did thinking I was temporary make me bring about that temporary status? Because Jim loved me with all he was, and he was so much more than me, did I destroy him to preserve myself rather than becoming part of him?

In the end I heaped all manner of insult on him. I didn't mean to. I cheated him, I cheated on him, then I cheated him out of so many things. I knew when we were making love for the last time, but he didn't. Accidentally I didn't grant him that final memory, nor so much as a last kiss or embrace. He had to reach back into murky memory to find those things he didn't know he should commit there when they were happening.

I am a woman in love, and I am a cheat. I knew it before the denouement. I also knew unveiling that simple hideous truth would be nothing short of murdering a fine man. I hoped to avoid it, procrastinating even suggesting the possibility to Jim that we weren't "forever" by telling myself I could mitigate the blow. I failed utterly. I made it worse.

You would think loving a man, a man who gave me everything, including mercy and forgiveness, a man who helped me walk again, would leave me indebted and completely besotted. You would think loving such a man would preclude hurting him, little less murdering him. Jim loved me enough to hurt me, to let me suffer through rehab so that I could regain my legs. Each wince of my brow was a lance to his heart, but he had to let me suffer so I could walk again. He hated it but did it because he loved me. Oh, the contrast.

My present husband and first love, Rob, would have coddled me instead, and I would still struggle, leaning on the cart to get through the grocery store as the best possible outcome. Rob and I do not complement each other, we accentuate each other: our strengths are very strong, our weaknesses are pathetic. We are the same, we are one, we are forged together, made of the same stuff. And so, it came to be that I had to tell the heroic man who gave his all, my former husband and second love, Jim, that I did not love him enough to stay out of another man's bed. Worse, that I did not love him enough to stay with him, and I did not enough to not leave him stranded, stabbed, bleeding, and alone. The contrast is startling: my pain killed him, and he took my pain on himself to allow me to walk again. I repaid him his love and devotion by throwing him over and into the pit. I caused him pain to escape my guilt and longing. I caused his pain to gain my pleasure. I caused his loneliness to gain my belonging.

To do the right thing by my heart I had to do all the wrong things by Jim. Once I knew what I was going to do, to continue to drink in the copious amounts of love Jim gave me seemed no more than theft. So, I severed our bond, thinking doing it quickly would be the most merciful way, thus accidentally robbing him of all the things he was due, even common consideration. As much as I tried not to, I cut out his heart.

Cause and effect, I loved two men. I could only have one. It couldn't be avoided as I'd removed all the other possibilities: it was time for me to murder my husband.

Once I decided Rob was my future the full length and breadth of my betrayal of my husband Jim crystalized. It became all I could see; it filled my lungs until I could no longer breathe. It was too much for me to live with, so I rushed Jim's fate forward, making myself believe that was the best way - for him. In so doing I made it so much worse for him than it had to be, and so much worse than I ever imagined it could be. Nor did I expect the pain to linger, I didn't expect the love for me that flowed through his veins to transmute to agonizing poison and stay that way.

Now the person paying for my improved situation was suffering worse than I ever had.

I can't understand how I could have done this to Jim. I think I believed I could send Jim to hell because I knew it wouldn't corrupt him. It won't, instead it will antagonize and torture him, fileting him every minute of every day until it finally makes him give up the ghost. Then Jim will die professing the love for me that hell could not burn out of him: the love which I transmuted to poison in his veins. Short of a miracle Jim will most assuredly die whispering my name.

Considering how much Jim loved me, and that despite appearances I do love him, that seems the worst twist of all. How could a man who understood love so well, and felt it so keenly, have been abandoned by it so completely? It seems only right that I lose the love of that good man. Except I don't want him devoid of love. But his still loving the woman who betrayed and broke him seems a perversion. I know I don't deserve his love, though it seems that if he stops loving me there will be no love in his life at all. That is an injustice even further beyond my understanding than how time allows us to weave the events of our lives. And how we can unravel the fabric of someone else's life.

Because of Rob I still reach the end of each day smiling. But I'm haunted by Jim. What's it like for a broken heart to reach out yearning for any touch at all, with no love there to feel?

* * * * * *

Losing: An Unexpected sequel

Jim's House

Christmas Eve: the magical night. Bright and warm: a physical distillation of happy dreams. Though for some with unhappy households, demons, or loneliness, it's a particularly cold dark night, filled with a slow malignant foreboding, looking evermore for additional ways to infiltrate, to absorb, to capture, and to claim.

The snow outside either looked alight with potential, a clean fresh canvas awaiting a great work of art, or it was a wasteland: dead, sterile, and desolate.

Jim's thoughts traced back over the last two Christmas Eves. The first year he was mostly numb. He dove into his business. His employees were his salvation. They knew him and cared for him. Jim hadn't just been their employer; he'd been their mentor. Their shock at the breakup of Jim's marriage was second only to Jim himself. They all knew Addie, they'd been to Jim and Addie's house for summer meals, Addie had come into the office frequently.

Only with hindsight did they realize she'd stopped coming to the office. They wondered if it was out of guilt or if she was using the time to see the man she had hidden in the wings. They shook their heads just like Jim. Addie? She wasn't capable of that. Jim and Addie were the perfect couple. They loved each other so much! This was surreal, there must be a mistake.

A couple intrepid individuals took it upon themselves to visit Jim and Addie at home. Surely there had to be some misunderstanding. The couple had done so much for all the office staff that they had to reach out to help. Surely, they could find a way for Jim and Addie to rectify the unwanted situation. Their shock was complete when the door opened revealing Jim wasn't just gone but already replaced, his usurper answering their knock. The intruder lived there now! He'd truly taken Jim's place.

The same scenario played out twice. The first time an employee of Jim's had to be pulled away from the door by his wife to keep from pummeling Rob. Addie tearfully ran outside to help the poor loyal man when she heard the commotion. She helped his wife get him back in the car admitting her culpability, tearfully explaining it was all her fault, then desperately asking about Jim.

The man looked up at her, wounded and inflamed, "He's a shell! Are you happy now?" The man paused, his eyes becoming malevolent slits. He nodded his head to the house obviously indicating he was about to speak about the new man there, "Are you happy with him, Addie? Why weren't you satisfied with Jim?" His wife had begun to rebuke him when his last question brought her up short. She turned an inquisitive glance back to Addie.

Addie shook her head sickly, "Rob is the first man I ever loved. I thought I'd lost him years before I ever met Jim. Jim is the best man I ever met. Though I don't deserve him, I never meant to hurt him, ever! Jim haunts me now." Addie didn't try to hide the tears running down her cheeks, "I'm so sorry. I'm so terribly sorry." She turned slowly back towards the house she knew Jim bought for her.

The second time unfolded along the same lines, though the reaction was even worse. Two female employees had heard the results of their coworkers' visit. They couldn't believe what had a happened to Addie and Jim any more than anyone else. They had to try to make things "turn out right."

Once again it was Rob who opened the door. The ladies were frozen at the sight of another man in Jim and Addie's doorway. Addie was there quickly and saw the eyes of the two frozen women lock onto her. After only enough time to drink her in, one woman vomited all over the glass screen door separating them. When the poor woman looked up, her expression was as if Addie had grown horns and pointed tail. The other woman gaped at Addie like she'd just walked in to find her mother cheating on her father, not as angry as horrifically heartbroken. She looked away from Addie, whatever hero worship she'd once felt was dead, along with some of her trust in the world. She helped her friend who'd thrown up back to standing and ushered her back to their car. The visit was over.

No one else from Jim's company, ever came to visit. It seemed Addie was living the high life with a new man to service her after she kicked her husband out of the house he'd bought. For Jim's employees Addie was now an afterthought. Someone had to take care of Jim. Addie had obviously taken very good care of herself.

Things were quieter around the office after the second failed intervention. No one could still deny Addie had done exactly what the rumors said. Addie had replaced Jim and moved in his replacement with frightening efficiency. Addie said she loved the new man. Impossibly "the greatest couple in the world" had broken up. What of their mentor and surrogate father figure? Where was Jim staying now that "Mom" had taken a lover? A pall settled over the office. No one knew exactly how to approach Jim about it.

Even in his funk, Jim noticed. The stories of the two visits to Addie made it back to him. Hearing the tale of the second, he nodded grimly and walked out of his office to address the rest of the team. Once assembled, Jim told them the rumors were true. Addie had left him. In fact, she'd carried on an affair for well over a year before her accident. The revelation left them slack jawed.

Having marked the territory behind them, Jim tried to map what was ahead, "We've always been more than just a place to work. You've made this place special. A family of sorts. I don't know what I would've done without you. I've taken real refuge in knowing you are here. I haven't spoken about the divorce before because, frankly, I'm not ready. Besides reciting the facts, I don't know what to say, not yet. Perhaps you've only seen my lessened state. I don't think I can convey to you just how far down I would've fallen if you weren't here to be my net. Don't doubt for a second that you have been."

Jim scanned the team. He had everyone's attention, but they were so down themselves, none knew how to make this damned situation any better for him. He clearly wasn't making believers out of the message they'd already helped him tremendously. "If I seem down, I don't want you upset. Instead realize you may have saved my life. I haven't said it and I should: I'm not myself. I don't know how much of me will pull thorough or what temperament I'll have when I finally stand tall again. However, whatever I am will be because of you. I will stand tall again because of you. I'm leaning, and will continue to lean, on you heavily. You all do great work. I'm still here to help you except I want you each to do a bit more than you were doing before. You saw this as your place, well, take greater ownership of it. Come to me with questions, keep me engaged, but make the place your own. Pull me along in your wake, when I can take point again, I will. If you need me for this or that, I won't let you down."

He paused, "I, ah, love you guys. You know that. Now we've gotten the bad stuff out in the open." His face scrunched, "I know some of you are hurt by Addie's actions. I can't bail her out from the consequences, but I can tell you this: she didn't leave me for money or selfishness. She loved Rob a long time ago, way before I came into the picture. I never knew about him. Rob's wife passed away and his parents too." Jim ground his teeth, "So he came back to find Addie. It turns out he wasn't only Addie's first love, but her truest love. She left me for love because love demanded it. As much as I may hate it, I do respect it. And so should you."

Jim paused again. With a rueful smile he added, "I guess divorce may always be hardest on the kids. All of you knew my wife. I... I won't feel betrayed if you still care for her or converse with her. She never got to know you like I do, because I hand-picked each of you, but she knew some of you pretty damn well. Addie and I became parent figures to some of you. Addie had to leave me, but Addie still loves you -- that hasn't changed. You don't have to dislike her out of loyalty to me. If you're hurt by her betrayal, of you as well as of me, I can confirm she never wanted to do either. So, you don't have to feel like she threw you over too just because she chose against me." Jim rubbed his fingers through his hair, smiled, and finished, "Carry on." He turned and walked back into his office, though he sent a message of inclusion and support by leaving his office door open.

Over the following months Jim's employees, acting like his surrogate children, made a point of stopping in his office more, sometimes asking how he preferred something done, sometimes reporting what they'd already done. They always conferred with him over specs and strategies and Jim performed as he always had. He maintained an eye for detail and an infectious enthusiasm even if it was somewhat muted now. They frequently went into his office to cheer him up, yet always felt bolstered themselves when they left. They spoke of it between themselves; Jim continued to watch out for them even with an arrow in his chest.

They asked Jim to their homes for dinner. He mostly declined, explaining they had family and should defend that private time jealously. Some of the bolder souls replied that was exactly what they were doing by inviting him, saying, "You don't leave family alone to fend for themselves." Jim would nod happily. A few times he went. He always had a good time while hyper aware of the moment he'd become an interloper in someone else's family time. He'd tell them their mission concerning him was accomplished, hug them warmly, then depart. He always charmed the spouse and kids, leaving them muttering "Poor Jim," and "What the hell was Addie thinking?" Even though Jim encouraged them to see Addie, especially those who felt personally betrayed by a mother figure, none needed Addie in their lives since she'd decided she didn't need Jim in hers.

Addie had a terrible sense of timing, dissolving their marriage only two weeks before Thanksgiving and less than two months before Christmas. Jim spent the first nights after the confrontation with Addie and Rob in a nice hotel. Finding he didn't have the heart to search for apartments, Jim decided on an extended stay hotel convenient to work. He guarded his location, fearful of what might be read into his choice, not ready to explain his failed marriage. He spent Thanksgiving alone in his motel room pretending to watch football. Learning from that mistake Jim decided to treat himself by reserving a room in a nice hotel for Christmas and New Year's. He could eat in their dining facilities with lots of happy people around. Being alone in an opulent antiseptic surrounding was less jarring than being someplace that was shuddered and lonely on its own, or worse, a place that should feel like home but no longer was.

Antiseptic was a word that shouldn't apply to life. Jim decided to up the ante. He wouldn't stay in just a hotel for Christmas he'd go to the Caribbean and stay in a nice resort. He resolved to stay though New Year's too. That way his coworkers didn't have to worry about him. The surroundings would be different, hopefully distracting, and warm too. That part worked. There were some singles alone at the resort, but the closer it got to Christmas Eve the more depressing they seemed. Jim enjoyed the company of the happy couples, as happy couples were a part of nature as beautiful as the tropical surrounds.

Everyone enjoyed each other's company during the days on the water or the beach. Evenings he left the couples to themselves. Jim enjoyed the resort's floor shows and beach performances instead. When he was ready, he repaired to his room, which he had fortified with a good bottle of scotch. Jim sat on his balcony sipping the excellent elixir, unable to sleep. The Caribbean was beautiful, calling out to Jim to share its grandeur with him. Late Christmas Eve, Jim found his escape streaming Marx brothers movies. While he wouldn't classify the evening as a good time, he made it through the night. Early the next morning he crawled hungover into an early Christmas buffet, desiring to take the entire coffee bar back to his room.