Letters of Apology

In The Past.

My parents had told me about Raj, but I was not sure what to make of it all. After all, marriage was a huge step. I wasn't sure if I was ready for it, but we did our engagement ceremony and saw the smile on Raj's face and his renewed confidence. He wore that dark blue suit like it was molded for him, and his shining bright smile could make anyone beam with happiness.

We had some really nice conversations after our engagement. Raj is calm, respectful, and very kind. He told me about his job and his family and we even discussed some of our favorite movies. With each passing conversation, I felt more comfortable and enthusiastic about the future. I started seeing Raj as somebody I could really trust and be okay with.

Before all this, there was Sohail. We dated for a year, and I thought it was something serious. But Sohail didn't seem to think so. For him, it was just fun. That hurt me a lot, and it took a long time to move on. But then, a year after we broke up, my parents told me about Raj's proposal.

Around the same time, I met Vicky at work. Vicky had a kind of fascination that was impossible to resist, and I enjoyed our daily greetings. We were not friends, but this familiarity was something that I always appeared looking forward to, and I began feeling something more for him. I wondered what it would be like to be more than colegue, friends maybe or even more. But on a second thought, I thought about that, my parents told me that my marriage with Raj was finally fixed. So all was said and done about everything, and I knew that I had to stay focused on my marriage and getting to know Raj better. So, I ended up not thinking about Vicky anymore and dedicated all my energy to my new future with Raj.

I learned that life is unpredictable at times, and trusting things to be as they are meant can make the difference. I'm now awaiting my wedding day eagerly and the life that will unfold with Raj.

After we became engaged, I would go to the office during the week and take weekends off on Saturday and Sunday. Raj and I spoke only on Sundays. He wished we could talk more frequently, every day, but I advised against it.

"Parents and family members always say that getting too friendly or over-sharing leads to trouble before marriage and after being engaged."

I explained to him and added.

"But I will try to call you whenever I miss you."

One day, ten days after our engagement, a social media friend request came my way. The username was "vicky998." Initially, I thought it was Vicky from the office, so I accepted it. But during our conversation, I began to have my doubts. Something felt different in the way he spoke. On Monday, I showed the profile to Vicky at work.

"Hey, Vicky," I said, holding up my phone. "Is that you?"

Vicky laughed and shook his head. "Nope, that's not me. There can be more than one Vicky, you know," he joked, showing me his actual profile.

I didn't mind much since the conversations had been normal. I had shared that I am engaged & where I work. "Vicky998" had shared that he is a divorcee & was only interested in an online friendship, not a real one.

"Why not a real friendship?" I asked out of curiosity.

He explained, "If it's confirmed to be only online, people can open up to each other with a free mindset, enabling them to explore more with open hearts and maybe even tap into each other's fantasies and desires."

That's when I wanted to confirm if it was the same Vicky. Now, I knew they were different people. I was in a dilemma about whether to continue the conversation so chose to ignore it. But, Later that night, I received a message:

"Niddhi, you are beautiful. You deserve to be happy every single day. All the best for your married life. Feel free to talk to me. I can be your BFF.

I looked at the message for hours, with a mix of emotions. There was something intriguing about this anonymous friend, though. Yet, it made me feel guilty to think about all the more continuing to chat. What would Raj think if he knew? I finally lay down to sleep it off, thinking that the morning would come clearer.

The next day at work, I could not think of anything but "vicky998." His words had haunted my mind. Curiosity overcame me by lunchtime. So, I opened up the chat and began to type.

"Thank you for the good words," I wrote. "I appreciate it. Maybe we can talk, but only as friends."

His reply came almost right away. "Of course, Niddhi. Just as friends."

We continued the discussions over the next few days. He was witty, listening, and seemed to genuinely care about my life. I would look forward to our chats even though a part of me might deem it dangerous terrain. We still talked on Sundays with Raj, but my mind used to be wondering of my online friend.

One Sunday, while chatting with Raj, he asked me, "You seem distant, Niddhi. Everything okay?"

"Yes, everything is fine," I told him, feeling a little guilty. "Just lots on my mind with work and the wedding."

He smiled and accepted my words. "I understand. Just remember, I'm here for you."

As days went by, my messages to "vicky998" became more frequent and deeper. Here's how our message exchange went over the course of one week:

Monday

Niddhi, how was your day? Vicky998 messaged.

"Busy as usual," I replied. "Work was hectic, but I managed. How about you?"

"My day was good. Just the usual office stuff. Any interesting projects at work?" he asked.

"Nothing too exciting," I typed back. "Just the usual paperwork and meetings. Sometimes it gets too repetitive."

"It's life, after all," he replied. "But there are little pockets of happiness in the routine."

Tuesday

"Good morning, Niddhi! How was your sleep?" Vicky998 asked.

"Good morning! Yes, I slept quite well. Thanks for asking. How about you?".

"I had a nice sleep," he said. "So, what's your favorite thing to do in your free time?"

"I love muscic" I told him.

"That sounds wonderful," he said. "Do you have a favorite song?"

"I have many," I replied. "But one of my favorites is 'Tadap Tadap Ke' From Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam' What about you?"

"I like reading," he said. "But lately, I have developed an interest in self-help books. They give a fresh outlook on life."

Wednesday

"Do you ever feel like there's something more in life and you're just going with the flow?" Vicky998 asked me.

"Yes, sometimes," I admitted. "I feel like I'm caught in a rut and don't appreciate something greater."

"I understand that feeling," he said. "Sometimes, breaking the routine and doing something unexpected brings excitement."

"Like what?" I asked, curious.

"Maybe try something new, like a new hobby or go on an unplanned trip," he suggested. "Something to break the monotony."

"I'll think about it," I said. "But with this wedding coming up, it's hard to find the time."

"True," he agreed. "But don't forget to make time for yourself. It's important."

Thursday

"Niddhi, if you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be?" Vicky998 asked.

"Hmm, that's a tough one," I replied. "I've always wanted to visit Manali. The Snow, The Mountains"

"Manali is beautiful," he said. "I have been there once. You'll like it."

"What about you?" I asked. "Where would you go?"

"I'd love to visit Japan," he said. "The culture, the food, and the technology. It's fascinating."

"That sounds interesting," I said. "Maybe one day we'll get to visit our dream destinations."

Friday

"Niddhi, do you ever feel you're not doing justice to your potential?" Vicky998 asked.

"Yes, sometimes," I said. "I just have so much more in store; I get pulled back by responsibilities."

"I understand that," he said. "But importantly, just remind yourself that you are doing your best. And that is enough."

"Thanks," I said. "Your words mean a lot."

"Anytime," he said. "Just remember, you're not alone. We all have our struggles."

Saturday

"Good morning, Niddhi! Any plans for the weekend?" Vicky998 asked.

"Not really," I replied. "Just the usual errands and spending time with family. You?"

"I'm planning to catch up on some reading and maybe watch a movie," he said. "Any recommendations?"

"You should watch 'Wanted'" I suggested.

"I'll check it out," he said. "Thanks for the recommendation."

Sunday

"Hey Niddhi, how's your Sunday?" Vicky998 had asked.

"Yeah, good," I replied. "Had a nice chat with Raj. He's really sweet."

"Good to know," he said. "He is indeed a lucky guy."

I smiled. "Thanks. How's your day?"

"It's been relaxing. Just enjoying the day off," he said.

"That sounds nice," I said. "I wish weekends lasted longer."

"Don't we all?" he said, laughing. "But we have to make the most of what we have."

By week's end, I was more open with "vicky998." Our conversations were deep and mature enough for friends, which really wasn't what I had expected. He was a confidant in a way; if I wanted to tell him anything without being judged, he would listen. But I knew better than that; the lines were becoming so blurred that I could either consider him a friend or something else entirely.

As I opened the chat with "vicky998" that night, a mix of anticipation and nervousness welled within me. Our conversations had grown personal by this time in the last week, and now I found myself sharing far more with him than I ever did with Raj. The anonymity of the online friendship made it easier for me to open up about my past, my desires, and my hidden feelings.

I settled into bed when my phone buzzed with a new message from "vicky998."

Vicky998: "Hey Niddhi, can I ask you something personal?"

I took a deep breath before typing my reply.

"Sure, what is it?"

There was a brief pause before his response came through.

Vicky998: "Has Raj started probing into your desires by discussing intimate topics?"

My heartbeat was fast. I hesitated, feeling shy and unsure about how to answer. I never had such a conversation with Raj, and the idea of such discussions with him made me vulnerable. However, something about "vicky998" was making me feel safe and understood.

"No, we haven't really talked about those things. It's been more about the wedding and our future."

Vicky998: "Ah. I see. It's very important to have those conversations, you know. To understand each other on all levels."

And I felt remorse because I'd never discussed with Raj the details of my previous relationship. And yet here was this virtual stranger whom I strangely felt comfort with.

"I've never really talked about my past with Raj. I guess I just do not know if it would cause problems."

Vicky998: "Sometimes sharing can bring you closer. But only if you're comfortable."

I took another deep breath, feeling the need to unburden myself.

"There was someone before Raj. His name was Sohail. We were together for a year, but we broke up. The marriage proposal with Raj came about a year after that. Surprisingly, I have a colleague named Vicky. I was attracted to him before the marriage proposal, but I didn't act on it. Now we're just collegue who exchange pleasentries thats it."

There was a moment of silence before "vicky998" responded.

Vicky998: "Thanks for sharing this with me, Niddhi. I really appreciate your trust in me."

I felt warmth flow through my chest at his words. No one had ever understood me like that.

Vicky998: "May I ask you another personal question? How long has it been since you became physically intimate with anyone?

I felt my cheeks heat with embarrassment. This was a level of intimacy I had never discussed with anyone, let alone an online friend. But something about "vicky998" made me want to be honest.

"It was with Sohail. It's been more than a year."

Vicky998: "Thanks to share. You see, it's alright to want something and have desire to explore it. That's how the human beings are."

I was a little shocked but felt curious and embarrassed about it. I never really thought about my own desires or attempted to understand them beyond my previous relationship.

Vicky998: "Ever toyed with the idea of. masturbation?"

My eyes opened wide at the question. I had heard about it but never thought about it for myself. I was too innocent and inexperienced to even begin.

"No, I haven't. I don't really know much about it."

Vicky998: "That is fine. It is something that can be discovered slowly and with respect. It is just an aspect of understanding your body and what pleases you."

I felt a flutter of curiosity and nervousness. I had never thought about my own pleasure in this way before.

"I guess. I just never thought about it."

Vicky998: "There's no rush. It's something you can explore at your own pace. Just remember, it's about what makes you feel comfortable and happy."

I felt a sigh of relief. I was thankful that "vicky998" dealt with the subject in such a manner with respect and care for me.

"Thanks for understanding so."

Vicky998: "Always, Niddhi. I'm here for you, no matter what."

As we kept talking, I felt a deep connection build up with "vicky998." He was discovering parts of me I had never thought possible, and I was excited and nervous to see where our conversations might take us.

I woke up the next morning feeling mixed emotions. The previous night's conversation with Vicky998 had left me thinking about things that I had never allowed myself to explore. I remembered my conversation with Vicky998 multiple times today, While i changed into my black satin shorts & camisole top without bra, My phone buzzed with a new message, and my heart skipped a beat.

Vicky998 : "So do you want to continue? Tomorrow is Saturday, and If you are not feeling sleepy. I can make you feel amazing. You'll learn something new. Interested?"

I was taken aback, hit with a shyness and curiosity wave and part of me wanted to plunge into this new experience. Another part of me was nervous about what it was going to lead to.

'I don't know. I am a bit nervous. I have never done anything like this before.'

'I don't know. It's a bit overwhelming, but I am curious.'

Vicky998: 'That's understandable. We can take it slow and you can stop any moment you feel uncomfortable. How does that sound?'

His assurance made me feel a bit at ease.

'Okay, let's try. But please, be patient with me.

Vicky998: "Of course, Niddhi. I'll guide you through it slowly. Let's start simple. Imagine you're in the office, and Vicky comes to your desk. What do you think he would say to make you feel great?"

I closed my eyes and let my mind drift to the office.

"He would probably compliment my work and say something that makes me smile."

Vicky998: "Perfect. Now imagine that he leans in a bit closer, and his hand lightly brushes against yours. How does that make you feel?"

I felt a shiver down my spine as I imagined the scenario.

"It makes me feel excited and a bit nervous."

Vicky998: "Good. Now imagine that he places his hand lightly on your shoulder and gives it a soft squeeze. What do you do?

I took a deep breath. I can feel the tension in my body.

"I would probably look at him and smile, feeling a bit shy."

Vicky998: "And if he moved his hand to your neck, just lightly brushing his fingers along your skin, how would you react?"

My heart started racing as I pictured the scene.

"I would feel a rush of excitement and maybe close my eyes for a moment."

Vicky998: "That's awesome, Niddhi. Now let him whisper in your ear that you are gorgeous. What do you say?"

I blushed deeply; it was a very intense moment for me.

Me: "I probably would say thank you and feel utterly flattered."

Vicky998: "You're going brilliant. Let's take it a notch higher. Let him ask if he can touch your waist to see how you react. What do you do?"

I was hesitating, feeling a mix of boldness and shyness.

"I would nod and let him, feeling curious about what comes next."

Vicky998: "And when he places his hand on your waist, gently pulling you a bit closer, what do you feel?"

A flutter of excitement in my stomach.

"It makes me feel excited and a little nervous but very curious."

Vicky998 : "You are doing very well, Niddhi. Now, visualize that he requests if he could touch your thigh, just to know how sensitive you are. What do you say?"

I felt my cheeks burning with heat.

"I would nod, feeling very shy but excited too."

Vicky998 : "He gently presses his hand on your thigh, just above your knee, and slowly starts to move upwards. How do you feel?"

I could even feel the caress as if it were happening.

"It makes me feel very excited and a bit breathless."

Vicky998: "And if he leans in to kiss your neck, softly and gently, what do you do?"

I closed my eyes and absorbed the intensity of the imaginary moment.

"I would tilt my head to give him better access and enjoy the sensation."

Vicky998: "You're doing so good, Niddhi. Let's make it a little more intimate. Imagine he asks if he can touch you under your Kurti, just to feel your skin. What would you say?"

I delayed, feeling warmth spread up in my body.

"I would probably nod, being very shy but very curious too,"

Vicky998: "As his hand moves under your Kurti, softly stroking your skin on your love handle and curvy hips, do you feel? "

I felt my breathing rush.

"It makes me feel extremely horny and turned on."

Vicky998: "That is very nice Niddhi. Can you tell me what you are wearing now?"

I felt a bit shy but boldly at the same time.

"I am wearing a black camisole top and shorts."

Vicky998: "Thanks for sharing that. Now, imagine he literally takes your hand and guides it to touch yourself, just to see how it feels. How would you react?"

I felt a rush of heat throughout my body as I imagined the scenario.

"I would follow his lead, feeling very shy but also very very curious."

Vicky998: "You're doing great, Niddhi. Now caress yourself, pretend how it feels and enjoy the feeling. What is the feeling?"

She touched my lips; she touched my neck who flicked my hair. I closed my eyes and let myself drowned in that moment.

"I feel a mixture of excitement and pleasure, very sensitive to my own touch."

Vicky998: "That's perfect. Let yourself explore your body, learning what feels good. It's all about understanding your own desires."

I felt free as I trailed his counsel. Typing with one hand. and freely roaming my hands around my body.

"I feel extremely aroused and excited, enjoying the sensations."

Vicky998: "You're doing so well, Niddhi. Remember, it's all about what makes you feel good. Enjoy the moment and let yourself explore."

As I continued to follow his guidance, I felt a sense of satisfaction and self-discovery.

Vicky998 had helped me explore parts of myself I had never considered before, and I grew more confident and liberated. With that night, I felt truly more in touch with my own desires and became more at ease with who I was.

I woke up the next morning still in a heavy sense of guilt. The excitement from the previous night seemed to have worn off with that nagging feeling that perhaps I had crossed a line somewhere. I felt the necessity to conclude my chats with Vicky998. My phone buzzed with a new message from him, and I knew that I needed to gain enough courage to communicate with him.

Vicky998: ""Good morning, Niddhi. How are you today?""

I took a deep breath, my fingers trembling as I typed my reply.

"I don't want to speak anymore. It's not your fault; I liked talking to you, but I can't. I realized it was a wrong thing I had done, and it's not correct. I have a feeling of guilt, and I don't need that. We won't talk from now."

There was a pause before his response came through, and I felt a pang of sadness mixed with relief.

Vicky998: "I won't bother you if that is what you want. But remember, I am already your BFF now. Just don't remove me from your friend list or block me. Trust me, I won't bother you, but I really consider you my best friend now. So just keep on posting happy moments of your life. That will let me know you are happy, and it is my genuine concern to see your happy face. You are an amazing girl. I hope you understand what I am trying to say. If you don't ever feel you have to talk to me, it's all right, but always remember I will be here. If there is anything I can help with, message me without hesitation. Good luck and have a wonderful wedding. Bye, Niddhi. I'll miss you."