Lawn Doctor

This one is an original. It's a little bit "off-the-wall." The idea came from a conversation that I overheard between several young women at an HOA meeting. They were voicing their frustration with the available lawn services. They felt that they were being ripped-off. That's the reality behind this story. The rest is pure fiction. Any resemblance to reality is strictly accidental.

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Starting with Faith

It had been a rough eighteen months. I tried to help my wife fight a losing battle with cancer for the first six months. I've been trying to recover and get back to some semblance of normalcy for the last twelve months.

During her illness, sex was the last thing on my mind. I didn't want to hurt her, and due to the location of the tumor, that ruled sex out. Also, I was too worried and otherwise occupied to give it much thought.

Several months after we buried her, I began to function more normally. That led me to some porn sites. I was surprised to find out that while I became aroused, I couldn't get much of an erection. It was more like a noodle than a banana. I began to wonder if what I needed was a real woman instead of a porn site.

Before she died, my wife had told me that a quarter of the houses in our development were occupied by widow women, most of them about my age. Near the end, she advised me to get acquainted with some of them after she was gone. She was suffering every minute of every day, but she was worrying about me.

She probably didn't know that another quarter of the houses were occupied by stay-at-home moms. I found that out from a friend in the HOA. That was a full half of the houses with women available during the day. So, how could I get to know some of them? Perhaps in the Biblical sense?

That got me to thinking about my neighbor, Faith Morris. My window faced her house, so I knew pretty much all that went on over there.

She was a twenty-something single mom. Maybe a thirty-something. I'm bad at guessing ages. I remember when they had age guessers at carnivals and circuses. I would go broke doing that!

Faith's significant other left six months ago. She barely ever leaves the house and she has very few visitors. When we get a chance to talk to each other, she seems to be a nice girl. I would call her demure.

She told me during one of our conversations that she was probably going to lose her house. Her boyfriend had been paying half of the payment, and now that he was gone, so was his money.

She had an arrangement with her next-door neighbor, a friend named Hope, that helped them both eke by. They were in the same boat, so to speak.

They both were currently without a significant other. They both had a kid. They both worked minimum wage jobs at the factory. They'd arranged to work different shifts so they could babysit for each other and save the child care expenses. They were barely making it.

One of the things that really upset Faith was the letters and fines she kept getting from the HOA for having an "unkept" lawn. The lawn services charged $40 for each mowing. She could only afford mowing once a month. If weeds were growing fast, that would cost her a fine of at least $25 by the HOA. The fines escalated for repeat offenders. Hope was in the same situation.

We had one of those neighborhood blog things where people complained about noisy dogs, stray cats and such. There were lots of complaints there too, mostly by widow women, about the cost of the lawn mowing services. They thought the $40 was too high for the limited service they received. They had to pay for mowing every two weeks to avoid HOA fines. They complained that it cost extra to get them to spray weeds, fertilize the grass or treat for fire ants. They were pretty upset.

Where there's unrest, there's opportunity.

I came up with a plan. I had become quite an expert on the care and feeding of warm-season grasses in the three years that we'd been living in this Central Texas community.

I don't mind mowing and I've got some good lawn care equipment. It just might be my ticket to kill several birds with one rock.

I printed up an advertisement to hang on doorknobs. It read:

Lawn Doctor

Two Plans

Your Choice

Doctor is In

Call Joe Herman

That's all it said. At the bottom was my phone number.

I placed four of the ads on doorknobs in my neighborhood. Three of them were placed at the houses of widow women that I'd already checked out.

One was placed at Faith's house, since I already knew her.

Then I sat back and waited to see if any fish would bite. I didn't have much hope for plan #2, but I might get some takers on plan #1.

Two days after I distributed my ads, I got a call from Faith. She said she was surprised that I was in the mowing business. Guess that was because of my age.

She wanted some information about my two plans. I told her I would be glad to cover them with her. All I wanted was a face-to-face and a cup of coffee. I would come over anytime she had a few minutes and coffee in the pot.

She asked if I could come over in a half hour. Of course, I could.

I sipped my coffee and told her about plan #1.

"I'll mow every two weeks. While mowing, I'll hand spray any existing weeds. The product that I use will kill the weed's root, so they won't come back. Also, I'll treat any fire ant hills that I see.

"I'll apply fertilizer in the spring and the fall.

"I'll apply a pre-emergent weed killer in the spring and fall too, which will keep new weeds from sprouting up.

"My charge is $50 per month plus the cost of the chemicals that I mentioned. If you receive any fines from the HOA after I've taken care of your lawn for a month, I'll pay the fine myself."

She seemed impressed. She knew it was a better deal than she had with her lawn service. I would be mowing twice as often as she had been able to afford before, and keeping the weeds and ants down too. She said, "That's a good plan, Joe. What's the second one?

Now that the rubber was hitting the road, I was getting cold feet. That second plan will do nothing but get me into trouble. I made up my mind to just drop it.

"Well, since you like the first one, why don't we just go with that, Faith?"

"Well, would the second one be higher or cheaper, Joe?"

"Cheaper moneywise, but costlier in other ways. Let's just go with plan #1, Faith."

"Joe, if plan #2 costs less money, I want to hear about it. You advertised two plans, so tell me about the second one."

I guess there's no way out of this now. I did advertise two plans. Damn, I hope she doesn't hit me with a frying pan.

"OK, Faith, I'll tell you. But as I'm talking, if at any time you're offended or uncomfortable, just hold up your hand and I'll stop. I don't want to upset you and I don't want you to get mad at me." She gave me a wary look as she nodded her head.

I gritted my teeth and took a chance. "Plan #2 allows you to get all of the features mentioned in plan number one without spending any money. Even the chemicals will be free. You won't be charged one red cent for all of those services."

"Ok, Joe, what's the catch?" she asked.

"Well, I assume you know that I've been a widower for about a year. I've finally progressed to the point of getting horny. What I'm asking for is sexual favors. It would just be every other week, corresponding to the mowing schedule. Only one orgasm and I'm done. Does that interest you at all?"

"Joe, how old are you?"

"I never tell my age, but I'll give you a hint. I graduated from college when I was 23 years old. I went to work for Consolidated Products right out of college. I worked for them for 49 years. They were the only company I ever worked for. I retired three years ago."

She just shrugged. What can I say? She's a blond, not that there's anything wrong with that.

"Ok, Joe. That's pretty old. You're probably older than my dad. What, exactly, do you mean by sexual favors? Are you talking Oral and anal? Are you talking bareback? How long does it take for you to get that one orgasm? Minutes? Hours? How good is your health? I can't have you dying on me."

"I'm in good health. I have no problem getting an erection, it's just not very erect, if you know what I mean. I doubt that it gets stiff enough to penetrate your pussy. All I want is a blow-job. Just one orgasm, just a few minutes. I need you to be naked so I can get as hard as possible by looking at your body. It only needs to be above the waist. I would like to be able to play with your tits a little bit too, if I need to. If I can't get off within ten minutes, I'll quit trying and call it good. How's that?"

"Joe, why don't you take the pill? My mom says my dad takes it and he gets as hard as a rock."

"I've tried that. I got a single pill and it cost me fifty bucks. First of all, it didn't work. Then I read the pamphlet that came with it. One of the side effects was going blind. I decided I'd better find a better solution. My doctor sent me for some blood tests to see if I had a hormone imbalance or something like that. The test came back good as gold.

"Finally, he sent me to a sex therapist. She checked out my equipment and talked to me for an hour or so. She concluded that my wife's death was still affecting my mind. She thought I felt guilty, like I was cheating on my Donna. She said that she was convinced that it was all psychological.

"As I was leaving her office, she said, 'You need to see a good psychiatrist to overcome your fear of failure, Joe. I have a list of good ones in this area. In the meantime, Fellatio would probably be your best solution. With that, you don't need to have a complete erection to get pleasure and sexual release.' She handed me the list as I left her office."

"So, is Fellatio some kind of surgery, Joe?"

"No, that's doctor-speak for a blow-job."

I'll bet Faith's not a bottle blond. She's the real thing!

"Joe, I don't like giving blow jobs. It's messy. I can't swallow that stuff so I have to spit it out. That never goes well. It's probably why my boyfriend left. Either that, or he didn't like having a kid around."

"Faith, you won't have to worry about swallowing or spitting it out. I had prostate surgery years ago. Ever since then, I've enjoyed reverse ejaculation."

"Wait, Joe. I thought you were talking about blow-jobs. Jacking you off wouldn't bother me at all. I didn't know there was a reverse way to do it, but I guess you could show me. I'll be glad to ejaculate you. That's no problem at all."

"No, Faith. You're getting it all wrong. Ejaculation is what they call it when the gooey stuff comes squirting out of a man's cock. In my case, the gooey stuff doesn't come out of the end of my dick, it goes the reverse direction and ends up in my bladder. Then, I pee it out. I'm still talking about blow jobs, not jacking off."

"That's even worse, Joe. If you pee in my mouth, I'll have more trouble with that than I would with swallowing that gooey stuff."

"No, no. Here's the deal, Faith. Now listen, when you give me a blow-job, the gooey stuff won't come out of my dick. It will go into my bladder. I'll pee it out later into a toilet. It could even be an hour or more later. Nothing at all will go into your mouth. There'll be no mess."

"Are you pulling my leg, Joe? I've never seen or even heard of anything like that. You're probably going to fill my throat with cum and gag me."

"No way. If any gooey stuff gets into your mouth, your mowing is completely free, no strings attached. Fair enough?"

"Ok, I'll sign up for plan #2. When can you start?"

I couldn't believe this had been so easy! "Is today too soon?" I asked.

"Today is perfect. Do you care if I call you Joe Blow, for obvious reasons?"

"You can call me whatever you want to, gal."

After I finished mowing, she said I could go home, shower and come back later this evening, or I could come back tomorrow. "It's up to you, Joe Blow. I'm here all the time. I can put Tom in his room. He won't bother us."

I showered and came right back. It was so good. Now mind you, I have nothing to compare with since this was my very first blow-job. I'm an old foggy and oral was not all that common when I was growing up. Donna never liked the idea, so I didn't pursue it. Donna liked everything else, so she kept me more than happy.

Back to Faith, she used her tongue, her lips, her throat and even her tonsils. It was something to write home about, for sure.

She let me do anything I wanted to do above her waist, except no kissing and no sucking her tits. It didn't take her long to bring me to that one required orgasm. She was a bit shy in some ways, but she seemed comfortable with our arrangement. She really liked the reverse ejaculation part. I was happy that she was happy. I got what I needed and her lawn looked nice. It was a win-win.

Faith was amazed that I could have an obvious orgasm and not get anything in her mouth. "Damn it, Joe, I knew when you were having your orgasm. I know all of the signs, but there was no cum. I wish all men would learn to do it that way. You're really a special guy."

I gave up trying to explain it to her. I just ran my fingers through her blond hair!

Adding Hope and Charity

A couple of days after mowing for Faith, I got a call from Hope. As I mentioned, she lived next door to Faith. She asked me if she could have the same lawn deal I was giving Faith, especially that no-cum part.

At our face-to-face over a cappuccino, I attempted to explain reverse ejaculation to her. She seemed as perplexed as Faith was. Did I mention that Hope was a brunette? I guess I'd better rethink my misconception about hair color!

My deal with Hope was just like the one with Faith, except Hope had no problem with me sucking her tits. That's an unexpected bonus. She called me "LD." She said it was short for "Lawn Doctor."

The following week, I got another call. Her name was Charity. She was quite a different story. She told me up-front that she was happily married. Her husband worked on an off-shore oil rig. He was gone for weeks at a time. He mowed when he was home. None of the lawn services liked a part-time arrangement like that. She'd talked to her friend, Hope, and wondered if I would accept a part-time agreement.

At our face-to-face over a latte, we agreed on an agreement. Would you believe that she completely understood reverse ejaculation?

I asked her if I would be running any danger of being shot by her jealous husband. She told me that as long as we weren't actually fucking, her husband wouldn't object, even if he caught us. "Especially since you can't even make any cum!" Boy, that turned out to be a blessing in disguise!

She was probably close to forty years old. She treated me more as an equal than the other girls did. They treated me more as a grandpa.

Charity's performance was very different too. The other gals usually sucked me while I was standing up. Charity always took me to her bedroom. She took off all of her clothes and laid across the bed with her head hanging off the side.

The first time she did that, I had no idea what to do. She motioned me closer with her finger. Then she grabbed my cock and stuck it in her mouth. She took all of my cock and even my balls. I could see my cock moving in her throat.

Her method worked for me better than the others! Her laying there like that gave me quite a view of her throat, tits and pussy. She was a flawless beauty. The whole thing was a real turn-on.

While she sucked me, she used her fingers to pleasure herself. She always made me continue after I'd had my orgasm until she had one too. It was a real turn-on. As soon as she had her orgasm, we were done. Seemed like I was the hardest when we were quitting. I began to believe my condition might be curable after all!

She called me "Doc." Seems like none of them wanted to call me by my name. I guess a psychologist would say it was to maintain separation or something like that. I really didn't care what they called me.

Then Add Lucy?

When my phone rang the next week and a sweet female voice asked if I was the Lawn Doctor, I almost said, "Yes, but I'm not taking any new patients." I was getting enough blow-jobs.

It turned out, she was one of the three widows that had received my ad. She had been visiting family and found my ad when she got home. I decided I might consider taking another patient, since she was nearer my age.

Her name was Lucy. She gave me a cup of coffee to die for. She ground the beans fresh and made the coffee in an old-time percolator. It was the best cup of coffee I've had in years.

When we got down to business, and I explained plan number two, she said, "Let me see if I have this right. You want me to perform two sex acts a month, on average, to save myself about $80 or so. Two sex acts with a professional would probably cost you quite a bit more than that. I don't know, but I'll venture that $80 wouldn't hack it. So, I'm betting it's helping you more than it's helping me, right?

"Come to think of it, if I give you sex for mowing, I would be a professional myself, wouldn't I? That would make you both my client and my pimp, wouldn't it? See what we're getting into here?

"Look, Joe, I've never given a blowjob in my life and I think I'm a little too old to start now. I have a hole that's designed for sex. My mouth and my anus are designed for other things. You wouldn't use a saw to drive a nail, would you? Why would you expect me to use my mouth for something it wasn't designed to do?"

"Lucy, you don't understand my problem at all. I can't get my cock hard enough to fuck your pussy. It does, however, get hard enough to go into your mouth. Also, if you use your tongue right, I can even have an orgasm. Maybe it wasn't designed to make a baby, but your mouth is just what I need now. I'm through making babies. If you could open up you pussy like you can your mouth, and if your pussy had a tongue, I would use it instead of your mouth. Unfortunately, pussies are not designed that way."

"Joe, why are you such a potty-mouth? Those things have proper names. Why don't you use them?"

"Oh, forgive me Sunday School Teacher. Let me restate it. 'I can't get my penis engorged enough to penetrate your vagina. If you could open your vagina like you can your mouth, I would certainly use your vagina instead of your mouth and we would both be happy."

"I don't know about that being happy thing, Joe. I take it that the woman you mentioned named Faith has taken you up on your plan. How many have you signed up for your crazy sex-for-mowing plan?"

"It's really none of your business, but it so happens that I have three women signed up. I've both mowed for and collected from all of them. I know this will sound strange, but while I'm happy that they agreed to the 'crazy sex-for-mowing plan,' as you called it, it scares me a little bit too. It was too easy for my liking. I expected to have a difficult time getting anyone to sign up, but I talked to three women and they all signed up. Two of them called me! I hadn't even given them my ad. They heard of me through word-of-mouth. How about that?

"They're all really good-looking women and they have nice personalities. I don't know how to put it, but it worries me about the morals of our society. I know it's crazy to hear that coming from me since I was the one doing the soliciting.

"Let me put it like this, I would have been happier if I'd been turned down by some of them. I expected it to be difficult to get anyone to do it. I thought there was a high possibility that my quest would fail. How can I be happy and disappointed at the same time?