Why didn't I go cut in..... dance the sexy dance with my wife? Why did I stay in the shadows?
I felt so alone, standing by myself. Watching....... waiting? What was I waiting for?
This woman who I loved with every fiber of my being, completed me. Wasn't my place next to her? Next to her was the place that I wanted to be more than any other? Wasn't she the person who made my life worthwhile? Wasn't she the person who both literally and figuratively completed me? Yes... she was, and despite all the happiness that she gave me, somehow it was not enough. Hadn't she proven herself to me time and again? Maybe not, she had been half- naked with Juan⦠and love is such a fickle thing.
It was if I was waiting for her to shout out to the assembled crowd, to my friends.
"Jake is my true and only love... my completion, my soul-mate!"
But could she really say that here? I would, but could she. More importantly, was I even in her consciousness at the moment. Or was this a moment just for herself...everything else forgotten. I never had a moment without thinking about both Jill and Jake Junior. Maybe I was waiting to see if she held me first in the same way. I was waiting for her to leave, be by herself... so she could think about me... instead of all these other people.
That's what I would do, but would she? Maybe I was jealous that she could have a life, have experiences that didn't involve me. I wasn't overly possessive, and I was confident in our relationship. I KNEW she loved me.... But there was always that little hidden uncertainty. Just because while we touched each other
Like no one else in the world, we were still separate people, weren't we?
"No," I didn't think of myself as a separate person. Since we were married, I thought of us as one. Two organisms, but one life force. Did Jill feel that way? Or did she see herself as a separate person, who happens to be in love with another person called Jake.
"That was it." I knew if something ever happened to Jill I would die, cease to exist. The living organism called Jake might survive, but who "I now was", would no longer exist. To me Jill and I were one unique being. I was both of us. That's why I worried about something happening to her. Not only would my wife and partner be lost to me, but also I would be lost to me, because she IS me.
But did she feel that way? I was no longer so sure. I was her husband, lover and friend. But if I were no longer here, would she die? Or would she put it behind her after the appropriate adjustment time. Eventually, moving on with her OWN life.
I thought, "I was one with her. Without her I would be no more. But was it the same for her?"
From her point-of-view, she might see herself as "being simply attached to me. If that attachment broke,
she would be able to continue as Jill. Perhaps sad, perhaps with an empty feeling of terrible loss,
but she would be able to continue."
And so, as I watched my friends surround the spinning and gyrating couples, cheering and clapping, was any thought in her head focused on ME?"
I knew the answer, and that was why I watched from the dark. Hoping that she would seek me out.
If not in the dark or even on the phone, than at least in her actions, in her thoughts.
"Please...." I cried to myself. "Please Jill! Think of me.... be with me in your mind and soul......"
A raucous cheer went up from the closed circle of bodies that surrounded the dancers.... A bright yellow swatch of cloth floated above the heads of the onlookers, then settled gently onto the sand....
"Yellow," I thought, "Jill was wearing bright greens and oranges, not yellow."
Another roar from the crowd.... and another piece of fabric flew out of the circle. This one was blue...
I relaxed for a moment, "of course Hector's wife." The model had been wearing a yellow shirt and blue hot pants over her bathing suit.
"She must be dancing with Hector in her bikini," my logical mind decided.
I couldn't see... But I had to see, and for the first time I moved into the soft light.... walking tentatively up to
the tight circle of bodies. As I walked I tried to project my thoughts to Jill, who was somewhere in that throng,
"I'm here my love, I'm here. Please...Please.. think of me... Think of your one true love."