Joy's Story

I felt that the reader would want to hear from Joy for some insight into her motivations and role in the events that led to the destruction of her marriage and family.

*****

Dearest Peter,

As I sat to put words to paper, I struggled time and again to know what to say and how to say it in a manner that doesn't sound humiliating or come across as condescending or vindictive on my part. A thousand times plus one before I finally believed I could write to you. I know my words hold little to no credibility with you, let me state unequivocally for the record that you are the kindest and most loving father and yes, husband.

I knew that fateful Friday when I looked through your eyes and into your soul, the depth and breadth of the pain I inflicted. That was well before I knew what you had overheard, I already realized how I had betrayed and humiliated a man who never deserved a moment of anguish from my actions. Then I foolishly refused to believe you would carry out your plan to divorce me. So, I pushed back and when you unleashed that pain and anger you had bottled up inside, my life was left in ruin.

For many months I loathed your existence, that is until I realized that I simply bore the brunt of the consequences of my deceitful actions. Please know that if I could travel back in time I would not have so casually played with fire and I would've avoided the scars I inflicted upon you and our children and if I may be allowed, myself as well. Hindsight is always 20-20.

I need to tell you that I planned on it being a one and done. It was never going to be an affair. I wanted to feel desired and sexual. One night of carefree unbridled and lustful passion that was purely physical and sensual without being complicated or convoluted by emotions to purge my obsession. I guess I knew from your overture that somehow you knew and tried to stop me. However, I allowed fantasy to be fueled by the lies of a false friend. Soon the fantasy became obsession and obsession led to the burning need to quench that hunger deep inside.

So, I rejected your love and surrendered to lust. How can I apologize? Tell me, when I'm guilty of selfishly and foolishly ignoring the truth before me. Yet, I'm as truly sorry as am guilty. I'm most assuredly guilty of being unfaithful, for breaking my vows, for being partner and party to humiliating you and for that I ask, no beg for your forgiveness. I know that you have Karen and the kids tell me how wonderful she is. I know they call her Momma and I'm Mom and I know how much they love her and how happy you are after being so sad for so long.

To know and live with the fact that I'm solely responsible for all that pain and sadness... some day's it's hard to cope. What keeps me going is the fact that my kids need me involved in their lives on some level. If I ended my suffering, I would only add to theirs and further burden you if I left you to pick up the pieces.

So, I continue to muddle threw the mundane rigors of a sad and solitary life. I no longer believe that love and companionship are in the cards for me as I don't deserve them. I live for our children. Perhaps their need for me will lessen as they grow older and I can finally seek peace from my tortured existence. That is for another day far away from today.

So, I write, to beg for your forgiveness, to try and make amends for the pain I caused and to tell you that I'm glad you finally found happiness my love. Yes, I said it! I apologize, but I always have and continue to love you and will forever hate myself for the havoc I sowed upon us all. I want you to know that I felt absolutely nothing for that jerk I went to lie with. He was the least disgusting of all the animals that hit upon me that night. As his erection rubbed on me it fueled my lust and nothing more.

I have never been so ashamed than I was in front of your eyes that night. I wanted to hide my nakedness. My body previously an object of pride was nothing more than a vile and fetid lump of disgusting flesh. That is what I see when I dare look into the abyss, my reflection in the mirror serves as a reminder of what is inside has warped and distorted on the outside; and has left nothing but a hollow shell where pride, love, and beauty once resided. It's now decayed from the inside out.

I can give you nothing, because, nothing is left after I give the children what they need from me. I also know that you neither asked for, needed nor wanted anything from me. Please be happy! I'm so glad you found a way to heal enough and were brave enough to find love once again.

Embrace it and cherish it and tell Karen to do the same. Please know that this was so difficult for me to express, but it was written with my eternal if now unrequited love for you. Please tell Karen that I love her for how she helped Bethany to heal, for sharing her love and life with all of you. She is a special lady worthy of your love and devotion.

I hope that you found it in your heart to read this to the end. Be well and be happy!!

Always,

Joy

Peter's Reaction:

I did read her letter to the end several times. I immediately called Karen and had her read it. I recognized it as a call for help and that we needed to act before she hurt herself. At the time of our divorce, I was a bitter and broken man. I found help and then found love. I don't hate Joy and right now all I want to do is help her find her beautiful heart again, for the sake of our children, I could never bear to be the cause of harm to her.

I asked Karen and she agreed I needed to get her and bring her to our home. Karen would see that she got the necessary treatment while in the arms of her loving children and embraced in my forgiveness and well as my apologies for my contribution to her present condition.

I drove to Joy's apartment with the kids in tow. I told them that Mom needs to be with us for a few days and that she was extremely lonely all by herself. I had a time but finally convinced Joy that the kids needed her to be there for a few days. I found out she had recently been laid off and unemployment didn't provide enough to eat and pay the rent.

Karen and I discussed it and had her things placed in storage and decided it was best if she stayed with us until either Karen or a colleague could help her with her depression and low self-esteem. The kid's loved having both Mom and Momma around at the same time and they did make room for Dad somewhere in between.

After being fired by the urgent care clinic she ended up working retail. She was last hire, first "fire" but had managed to work at various outlets. Her last hire was seasonal and ended with the end of the Christmas shopping season. However, sales were down due to the recession so she found herself without a job and had nothing steady for the past three years.

I couldn't believe how hard her life became and I knew in large measure, I was not blameless in her troubles. Three days after she came to our home, I asked her if she would go out for a cup of coffee with me. So, I found myself once again at the "Beanie Roast" with a woman I once loved, in the place where I fell in love once again with another woman.

I took her hands and said, "Joy, please forgive me! I was filled with pain and anger and what I did and how I did it contributed to the difficulties in your life. I wanted you to feel some of what I felt back then but I never wanted to inflict so much suffering on you.

I loved you and I always will. I forgive you for what happened and I hope you will in turn forgive me and we can put it where it belongs, in the past. I promise you that Karen and I want to do everything in our power to get you back on an even keel. I read your letter and became scared we would lose you. You are a beautiful woman and a wonderful person who fully deserves love and happiness in her life. I want to be your friend. Please, let's start fresh, for John and Bethany, please!"

After a couple of weeks Karen hired Joy to work as her medical records specialist, her career specialty as the person in the job left to raise her newborn. It was entirely her decision. Karen said Joy is fantastic at her job and her records haven't been this organized in years. She also worked with Joy pro bono and I did some sessions with her as well to help us forgive and heal.

About six months after Joy came to live with us, she decided she needed her own space. I understood no matter how cordial our relationship, it was difficult for Joy to be constantly reminded of what she let slip away. I admit the constant presence of Joy ignited some old feelings and if I hadn't found Karen, I might have been tempted to rekindle our lost relationship. Her decision to move was good for all involved. It lifted a veil of tension that affected all of us.

Shortly after she moved Karen introduced Joy to a colleague, Dr. Drew Yardington. Joy and Drew started dating steadily. They eventually fell in love. It took a lot of therapy to get Joy in a place where she loved herself enough to allow others to love her. Joy and Drew married two years later. We agreed to share custody as Joy and Drew bought a home in our neighborhood. The kids were constantly back and forth. Our only agreement was to never take the kids if they were angry at one of us. They had to stay until the issue got resolved. This was important during those rebellious and moody teenage years. We socialized and were ecstatic to be asked to be the godparents to Lee Andrew Yardington. Karen loved babysitting an infant.

I'm thankful that I recognized the warning signs of depression and the cries for help that Joy made in her letter. It was about one year from when I learned the hard way. My Dad locked himself in the garage and in his car. My Mom was away visiting her sister. My Dad's suicide could have been prevented. He exhibited all the classic signs of depression but I didn't know what to look for.

Karen taught me what to look for in case Bethany got depressed having lost her mother. I'm happy Joy had a support system and got the help necessary to recover. She is a loving wife and a doting mother to all her children. I encourage everyone to learn to recognize the symptoms of depression. It's more common and widespread than most of us realize until it's too late. The National Suicide Prevention hotline is available to help. 1-800-273-talk or you can visit their website https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/.

Joy's Journal:

Journal: September 23, 2019

Yesterday, I gave birth to my second son. Drew is so happy and I'm absolutely filled with love and joy and abundance of pride in my children, my husband, my friends Karen and Peter and my job. Thank God Peter answered my cry for help. I felt so alone, so despondent that I truly believed that killing myself was the only answer. Now I wondered how I ever thought it was an answer. My thoughts drift back to the theme song of MASH,

Suicide Is Painless.

Well it's not painless though it does bring on many changes but none of them good. Life is precious and with the right help life can be good, no great. I have a great and wonderful life and I'm fulfilled and happy. It can happen. I made a terrible and momentous mistake and ended up lost and alone. However, the person who should have held the least amount of interest in my well-being ended up answering my call from the wilderness. He saved me. We gave each other absolution and it allowed us or at least me, to heal.

I love Drew and my new family with all my heart. Yet, I still hold a deep abiding love for my ex-husband. He was my soulmate and I ruined it. However, I thank God for my current husband who is patient and can understand and deal with the duality of my feelings and my need to be close to Peter. Peter and I have that special connection so I can still share my secrets and desires to help me stay on an even keel. I remain committed to climbing over the top. I'm so close but the view from where I am today is spectacular and I continue to be motivated to reach the summit.

My arm is bruised because I continually feel the need to pinch myself and know that this joy, love, and laughter is grounded within a solid foundation in reality. It is and I have the bruises to prove it! I just found out that while I'm on family leave that Uncle Pete and Aunt Karen will watch little Lee and that the busy Dr. Drew is taking me on our long-anticipated honeymoon. OMG!! I'm going to Paris, gay Paree!! That's all for now as I need to shop and to pack. Time to grab my girl gang, Bethany and Karen and do some retail therapy! Life is wonderful!!