My Wife Is a Ho-Ho-Ho

I don't think you can imagine how expensive it is to hire an off-duty Sheriff's Deputy to dress up like Santa Claus and serve divorce papers on your wife at 8PM on Christmas Eve. Trust me, it ain't cheap but it was worth every penny.

Santa was in character when we met behind the garage. He was perfect. The man had his own costume, including shiny black patent leather boots. Even his white hair and beard were real. And his eyes how they twinkled! his dimples how merry, his cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry.

Deputy Liebermann provided ample padding and his round belly shook like a bowlful of jelly. Damn he looked good.

"Are you 100% sure you want to go ahead with this?" In response I handed him a portfolio thick with envelopes and pointed to the sack full of presents. "I'll see you inside in five minutes."

Our home was packed with dozens of friends and family. They had been eating and drinking for over three hours. Laughter rang out everywhere. Friendships were renewed. Everyone was having a great time. Drinks flowed and stories were told. The McMillan Christmas Eve soiree was not to be missed.

And I the jovial host had a heart blacker than the blackest of coal and smaller than the Grinch's. Only tonight there would be no Cindy Lou Who to make mine grow three sizes. No, it, like my marriage, was dead and only my demand for vengeance kept me moving.

The grandfather clock in the family room began to toll eight times. Everyone knew what that meant.

The grandkids let out a shriek when Santa knocked on the front door that was so loud my ears were still ringing five minutes later. Sleigh bells rang and Ho-Ho-Ho bellowed above the din as he dragged his sack full of goodies into our foyer.

I welcomed Old Saint Nick with a hearty handshake and escorted him to the chair of honor in front of the brightly lit Christmas tree. Our four children gathered all ten grandchildren to sing a chorus of Here Comes Santa Claus. I had arranged for a good friend to video the festivities. I smiled at him and he gave me a thumbs up.

Santa opened his bag, pulled out a perfectly wrapped present, and announced, "William Junior have you been a good boy?" From the youngest to the oldest one-by-one each hopped in his lap and swore they had been good and claimed their bounty. A talking dolly for Kristan; a video game for Samuel.

The floor was ankle deep in torn wrapping paper and discarded ribbons. Then it was the adults turn. I announced, "Do not open your present until Santa Claus leaves or you will destroy the surprise... and no-one under the age of eighteen. This is for adults only." That really got their attention. And everyone must open their envelope together."

Each posed for a picture and received a red or a green envelope with their name printed in gold.

I could hear the wild speculation on what was inside the envelopes. More than one hoped for a family vacation to anywhere warm.

I tried to keep a stoic face knowing each contained a coffin nail into my family. Four weeks earlier I learned my wife of twenty years...the mother of my children...was fucking her boss. I won't bore your with how I learned of something so despicable. Suffice to say I didn't believe it until the detective I hired handed me photographic proof. Each envelope contained six of those high quality photos, each suitable for framing, of Trent Jackson and my soon to be ex-wife committing adultery.

I resisted the temptation to include copies of the greatest hits DVD of the two of them fornicating at several locations including in our marriage bed. No, that would be played in court.

One by one our kids came over and told me, "Dad, you really out did yourself this year." My favorite was our youngest Margie, "Dad, I'll remember tonight forever." Yes sweetheart, I'm sure you will.

Carole, my soon to be ex-wife, looked as excited as the children when her name was finally called. The whore had the nerve to sit on his lap and give him a kiss. Her envelope was the biggest and thickest of all. Santa asked, "Are you Carole J. McMillian?"

She laughed and said "Of course I am." He didn't bother to ask if she had been a good girl because he knew what was in the envelope.

He handed her the bright red envelope and said, "Carole J. McMillian, you've been served." She kissed him again and said, "Thanks Santa."

He began to gently push her off his lap and make his way towards the door.

My attorney told me I was crazy when I told him my plan, "Save your money, you'll need it for my bill." I'm glad I didn't listen to him. My revenge was nigh at hand and I felt good.

One of my grandaughters handed Santa a bag of goodies for him and some carrots for his reindeer. Before he left he whispered in my ear, "I hope you know what you're doing."

I grabbed my jacket and shouted, "A Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night."

Santa was so good I half expecting to see a team of reindeer when I escorted the man in red out to his car. "I would suggest you make good your getaway before your family open their envelopes."

I had secreted my suitcases into my trunk earlier in the day and was ready to roll. An empty suite at a downtown hotel waited for me. I started my car and watched Santa back out of the driveway.

I didn't think it was possible for a scream to be louder than the grandkids but I could hear the adults clear as a bell as I drove away into the dark night.