It Would Not Be a Umbaya Moment

It would not be a Kumbaya moment or even two, Part One

Author's notes, I have asked for volunteer editors and worked with two so far, their responsiveness was about one page of productivity per two weeks. So I self-edit, if I make a mistake get over it. I'm sick to death of dimbulbs with ignorant mean spirited comments. One asshole who has never written a word but has thirteen hundred comments in five years (22 per month) incessantly says shit on my stuff, same thing, I try to block him. I am really trying emulate stream of conscious writers so rather than see Jane rim Dick, Jane takes Leroy's long black dong, I don't do that. Enjoy.

Eli was the love of my life. She was forty four years old and stunningly beautiful. A wonderful woman who completed her degree in education from the University of Washington and her teaching certificate and she taught the second grade at Poulsbo Elementary. We added babies, four of them Teddy Jr., Joey, Katy and Nick

We agreed to stop when I was thirty two and Eli was thirty one.

Her parents Bill and Cindy Ericksen lived on Lincoln and Cindy had been a pre-school teacher and so Eli took six months off post birth as allowed for in the teacher's union contract and Cindy and Bill watched the kids.

When Eli was thirty five years old, she became district's union representative to coordinate activities with the school District and the Washington State Department of Education. Maybe about ten years ago, she became a lobbyist for The State Department of Education.

I was an economist at several large banks in Seattle, that I commuted via ferry. At first it was standard stuff, inflation predictions and then Asset Liability Management (Interest rate risk management), then it Merger and Analysis and after all the bank's failed in the great recession, I became what was known as a turn around specialist, initially for several banks, then for medium to large businesses in near or even post bankruptcy status or even receivership.

I made huge money compared to when I started, mid six figures after I started at eighty five hundred a year.

Eli called me one night when I was in Ottawa dealing with a failed computer services company. I'd been there about three weeks and we'd exchanged some texts, not a lot but once a week and on the weekends.

I picked up and it was a butt dial and she was at a party, or in a bar and I could hear her drunk laugh, very high and loud and then she said, "Fuck yes, let's dance."

Then she hung up. I called her right back and it went to voice mail. I called her mom and said, "Hi mom, can I talk to Eli?"

She said, "Hi Teddy, how are you?"

She had evaded the question, I repeated it, "Can I talk to Eli?"

"No Teddy, she's at the at that lobbyist convention in the U.S. Virgin Island in Charlotte Amalie, the capital city and then she's taking a two week vacation to the Bahamas. She told you about it last week, I heard her talking to you on the phone."

I said, "I have not talked to her in six weeks. Nice try, "and I hung up.

I texted Katy and said, "Get somewhere away from Grammy and call me."

Immediately she responded, "Ten minutes."

She was eighteen and was in this fast start program and in culinary school.

My phone rang, I picked up, "Hey Kate, half an hour ago I got a bump dial from your mom and she's at this party dancing with some guy, screaming her head off, then she hung up and when I called her back it went straight to voice mail.

Then I called your Grammie and she openly lied to me that she was at a lobbyist convention in the Virgin Islands and then she's going on a vacation to the Bahamas and that she heard your mom tell me about it last week. I haven't talked to your mom in six weeks."

Katy said, "Dad! Why are you so surprised you guys have been in an open marriage for what now ten years?"

I said, "What the fuck did you say?"

"You're in an open marriage! She's awfully serious about this latest guy, just so you know. He's a total hunk."

"So she told all of you kids that?"

"Of course. Mom explained to Teddy Jr. and me about you're totally into being cuckold and love to watch men fuck her, especially black guys."

"Kate listen to me. I just discovered from you that I'm in an open marriage. I can assure you I've never ever seen any man, let alone a black man fuck your mother.

You tell Teddy too. You're not going to be able to reach me for a while and I might see you later this week or not, I don't know exactly what I'm going to do, but I own our house and I will be there soon and file for divorce."

"Daddy truly? You didn't know?"

"No, no I didn't. Obviously, I was not enough for her."

"Daddy, I'm so sorry. She said not to talk to you about as you were embarrassed and sensitive about being a small dicked cuckhold."

"The hits just keep on coming. I don't know what she means by small, but eight and a half inches is not small"

"TMI Daddy!!!!"

"Sorry, Kate, it's been a real bad day for me."

I sent an email to my attorney Lucious Feinberg detailing everything and telling him I needed a family law attorney and a piranha hopefully with a crack private investigator. I would be back to Seattle on Friday

Ottawa was more like an European city in look, architecture and town life away from embassy row. I had gone into stone cold mode, walling off the pain for later. I put on some sweats and went for a run, I was listening to an extended play version of Joe Walsh's "Life's been good to me," followed by "Take me to the River, by the Talking heads and finally the old folk singer Dave Van Ronk.

According to my steps calculator I ran four miles when I got back to the hotel. I called Ted Lerner in Seattle that I had to pull back from this engagement, due to family emergency. He is a dear friend and asked what was up and I told him and he said, he was sorry, he was on his second marriage, albeit thirty five years into it.

I got a new plane ticket for the morning and ordered a delivery pizza that had elk and moose sausage and it came with garlic bread and I got three Alexander Keith's Hazy IPA from room service. It was a wondrous dinner.

My flight left at eight thirty and went through Detroit, for customs and then on to Seattle. I arrived at six thirty, or nine thirty Ottawa time, eleven actual hours. It was drizzling and I got my Isuzu Trooper out of long term parking and headed home to Poulsbo via Tacoma and the Narrows bridge.

I got home at eight p.m. parking in the driveway. and plugged my phone into the charger on the kitchen counter. I called a locksmith and said I'd been burgled and needed new locks and security and could he do it tonight? He said he'd be there in two hours. Just on a lark, went into the garage There was an enormous Mercedes Maybach SUV parked next to Eli's old rebuilt Datsun 240Z.

I tried to open the Maybach's driver door and it did the key's were above the visor, I opened the garage door and drover the SUV onto the front lawn and then her Z. I found an old fire splitting awl and smashed all the lights, windows and repeated it for the Z and went inside just before the locksmith arrived.

I let him sell me on everything, new key fobbed locks, security cameras, electrified bars over every ground floor and basement window security cams for at every door and window pointing in.

I called Lucious and he asked if I was back. I said, "I am, see you at eight thirty."

He said, I can do that. I found some of Eli's stache of Winston Cigarettes and affixed them to a road flair's fuse. I lit the cigarettes and dropped the fuse, cigarette up into the open gas tanks.

Then I drove away towards the Kingston Edmond's ferry. I was sure nobody saw me. I was told it was a spectacular fire. I was on the ferry when Katy called, "Holy rat fuck, Batman, when you get even, you don't fuck around I showed the pic to Teddy and he responded, Dad's not lying."

I said, "Whatever you do don't mention it to your grandparents. She will be very sorry very soon about what she's done. Hey do you and Teddy want to go to Central Market for Pizza or have them at the house?"

Katy said, two meat lovers, there's a jalapeno one and a Canadian Bacon one."

I said, "Ballard Bitter and Deschutes IPAs, okay?"

She said, "Really?"

I said, "You're adults now."

"Cool, " was her response.

I said, "I'm getting off the ferry. I've got to go. Toot a loo."

The meeting was fascinating, the family law attorney, was a severe looking Latina attorney, named Mandy Flores.

I said, "She's told my kids that I'm in an open marriage ten years ago and that I liked to watch her fuck black men. Her mother lied to me about Eli, telling me she was at this conference in the Virgin Island for Educational lobbyists last week, when I've not talked to Eli in six weeks."

"She stopped texting me maybe six weeks ago, I have not fucked her in months, for all I know she may be divorcing me."

Her fingers flew across her laptop's key board and said, "She just purchased a house on Bainbridge Island with somebody named Jason Richards.

"Does that sound familiar?"

"There's a guy that played for the Portland Trailblazers. There was a Maybach parked in my garage next to her old 240 Z. Can you see if he owns one?"

Some more computer wizardry and she said, "He does."

Lucious said, "Teddy, what did you do?"

"I moved both of them out of the garage into the pasture."

"Is he married?"

"He is and with kids and his wife used to be married to the General Manager of the Mariners."

"Okay, I want everything, she's in the Bahamas with him. I want to know all the money she's squirreled away, and I will look at home too. I want her destroyed publicly, videos leaked to porn sites, with emails to her parents, grandparents, the Washington Post, she's big time lobbyist now. Scorched fucking earth, I want the kids, I want child support etc."

She won't be back for three weeks. I want her served as she gets off the plain as well as Mr. Big Dick, restraining order...ooh oooh, can you see if she's ever had an STD? Isn't there a registry?"

Mandy said, she was tested two years ago.

"I need to get tested, fuck me."

"I have to go to the polyclinic and get tested, are we clear, destroy her. Thank you both."

It turns out that I had Chlamydia and something called non-specific urinary disease. I had to fill out this card and it asked how many partners I'd had sex with. I said, "I've only ever had sex with my wife. But I might have had it for a while. I had to strip and lay down on table like a gynecologist's table with stirrups. They numbed up my dick and my anus and said, there is some scarring in your urethra have you never experienced pain, not really, there is nothing in your anus.

They prescribed doxycycline for both. A month's worth.

I headed home via the Bainbridge Island ferry. I texted Lucious and Mandy,

Chlamydia and NSU, heavy dose for a month. Please destroy them. I wonder if Mr.

Big dick or his wife know they have an STD or two?

End It would not be a Kumbaya moment or even two, Part One

Coming soon It would not be a Kumbaya moment or even two, Part two

Eli becomes a porn star as does her mother