If Only

I was sitting in my favourite café, just stirring my tea when my daughter Natalie suddenly said,

"Dad, I think you've still got it. That woman over there hasn't taken her eyes off you since we came in."

As I'd now been a widower for almost 2 years, Natalie was keen for me to enter the dating scene. At 52, after being very happily married to my late wife Jane for 25 years, I wasn't ready. If I was honest, I doubted that I would ever be ready. I knew that I was still relatively young -- for a grandpa anyway. I still had all my own hair and teeth. I was still almost as trim as when I was 18. I just couldn't imagine being with anyone other than Jane. It would feel disloyal, unfaithful to her. Silly, I know, but that was how I felt.

Natalie encouraged me to have a look, so I passed my baby grandson Noah back to her. I glanced over but soon snapped my head back in shock.

"Dad, what is it? You're as white as a sheet."

"Natalie, that woman is not looking at me because she finds me attractive. Trust me. She's looking at me because I used to be married to her."

Natalie laughed at first.

"Very funny Dad. You were only married to Mum. You always said she was the love of your life. Your soulmate."

"That she was. She was my soulmate, but she wasn't my first love. That was the first Mrs Michael Barnes, Mrs Julie Barnes to be more accurate. That was a mistake. My biggest mistake."

Natalie looked stunned,

"How did I never know this?"

"It was a long time before you came along, sweetheart. I was even younger than you are now. I do have a past, you know? So did your Mum, by the way. We had no secrets from each other but you are allowed to keep secrets from your children."

"What secrets did Mum keep? Was she married before or was she an international assassin?"

"Well, your Mum's secrets were hers to tell sweetheart, but she'd be the first to say that they weren't as exciting as mine. They certainly didn't involve her being married to someone else. However, if she had decided to be an international assassin, I'm sure that she would have been a damn good one, once she put her mind to it."

"It's like I'm looking at a stranger. A mystery man who sounds like my Dad and is wearing his anorak." Natalie laughed.

"Sweetheart, you know me better than anyone on this planet, now your Mum's gone"

"Tell me than Dad. Tell me about this Mrs Julie Barnes."

So I told my daughter the story of my first love. I did miss out some of the details. I glossed over some of the more sordid details of my early sex life. Father's don't like to talk about things like that with their baby girl. Even if their baby girl is 23 and married with a baby of their own. If I choose to believe that Noah arrived by Immaculate Conception and that my wonderful son-in- law Jackson, sleeps in the spare room at their home at all times. That's up to me.

However, I will tell you the full story as I remember it.

I met Julie when I was 19 and she was 18. We were both quite innocent, really. I think the height of my sex education was reading a few well-thumbed copies of the Fiesta girlie mag, that my friend Alan had pilfered from his Dad's shed. Not like today, when all that knowledge is so available with online porn. Not that I think it gives a true picture, of course, but kids have a better understanding of what to do and how.

Despite our innocence, Julie and I took each other's virginities. Despite our lack of knowledge, we soon discovered that we were rather good at it. Julie was highly orgasmic and that gave me confidence. We were soon keen to experiment too. All those readers' letters in the back of the Fiesta had given me some ideas. We were really special together. I barely had to touch her and she would go off like a rocket. She was loud too. When we first moved into our little one bedroomed flat, one elderly neighbour said that we would have to rehome that howling dog we had. Didn't we know that pets weren't allowed? We laughed till we cried about that one.

It wasn't just about sex with us though. She was everything to me. I thought about her all the time. I just wanted to make her happy. We were so young looking back, married at 21 and 20, just kids really. We had to be together though. We hated being apart. I'd been brought up by my Nan after my parent's death. She took a while to warm up to Julie but eventually embraced her as the granddaughter she'd never had.

We had a wide circle of friends, we still went out a lot. However, we were at our happiest when we were alone together. Everyone used to tease us. Young and in love. I can see that we were probably quite nauseating at times, but we couldn't help it.

Julie was very possessive over me. She has a terrible jealous streak. It was silly really, but I suppose that was where her youth showed itself. She'd sulk if a girl even so much as glanced my way. I was a handsome young guy back then and I thought it was cute that she got jealous. That was where my youth showed itself.

I suppose that tiny bit of insecurity she had, made me fell even more secure. Secure in her love for me. What a silly kid I was, actually enjoying her being jealous. I suppose that the fact that I never gave her any reason to be jealous should be enough. I was wrong.

The problem came with Julie's 21st. We'd be married about 10 months at this point. I had been saving up to take her on holiday to Tenerife. We hadn't been able to manage a honeymoon abroad and I felt a little guilty over that. I had been working extra shifts to save the extra. I wanted us to have a full fortnight and do it in style. I worked on the shop floor back then, so it was easy for me to pick up extra shifts.

Luckily we both had passports. Julie's from when she went to France with her parents and mine from a trip to Holland for a training course. My big problem was getting Julie the time off work without her knowing. She worked in a local estate agents as receptionist. It was a branch of a much larger chain.

Her boss was Jerry. He was in his early 40's and divorced for the second time. Julie told me that he was a dreadful flirt with the single customers and even some of the married ones. I could see he fancied himself. He wasn't bad looking for a middle aged bloke, but he wasn't nearly as impressive as he seemed to think. I did ask Julie if he ever tried it on with her and she laughed and said,

"Jerry flirts with everything in a skirt from 18 to 80. He's not that fussy. It is hardly flattering if he flirts with me, is it"

"I suppose not," I replied.

"He can't help it. It is the way he's wired. It's like a compulsion. We have a deal though. He leaves me in peace and I don't knee him in the balls and report him to the area manager. I mean, he's older than my Dad, the dirty devil. As long as you know how to handle him, he's OK to work for."

With hindsight I should have been worried, I suppose. I was an arrogant youth though. Wasn't I rocking her world once in a morning and twice at night as the saying goes? Aside from keeping her satisfied, we loved each other and I trusted her completely.

So although Jerry was a bit of sleaze and certainly not someone I would choose to be friends with, I needed to ask him a big favour. I managed to corner him one night as I was waiting to pick up Julie. I told him about Julie's surprise holiday and I was giving him a few months' notice but I really needed to know if he could spare her, so I could go ahead and book it. He told me to go for it and he looked forward to seeing our holiday snaps. I thanked him and made a mental note not to take too many shots of Julie in a bikini.

So, it was all booked. I told Julie that I was working a few extra shift to build up our deposit money for our own house. We were doing that, but this extra was for her special surprise. In fact the holiday in Tenerife was less than I planned for, so I decided to use the extra cash we didn't need for spending money on a little party for her.

I told Julie that we would have a night in a posh hotel for her birthday. What she didn't know was that our friends and family would be at the pub across the road for a surprise party for her. I wished I could have had the party in the hotel itself but my funds wouldn't stretch that far. The following morning after breakfast we would be leaving the hotel to go straight to the airport.

I had lots of secret meetings with her best friend Claire and my mother-in-law Pam. I loved Pam and her husband Dave. No longer having a Mum and Dad of my own, I loved it when they started calling me son. It was Pam and Claire that had pointed out that Julie would need new wardrobe for a fortnight abroad. I tried to encourage them to sort that out. Pam could be quite formidable though and I then had to endure a few nightmare shopping trips. I hated every second of it, but it would be worth it to see Julie's face.

The plan was that Julie's Mum would pack her holiday case for her and deliver it to the hotel. She'd go to our flat in the afternoon before the party to collect any jewellery, toiletries, underwear and accessories that she thought she might need for the fortnight.

I'd told Julie to take her overnight bag to work, so that we could go straight to the hotel from there. I'd bought her a new dress for the occasion. I had booked us into the hotel restaurant, which was quite posh as her birthday treat. My plan was to wander over to the pub after this meal together.

So, after months of stress and secrecy, I was ready to spring into action with my big surprise. It turns out that Julie had a bigger surprise for me. Not quite as big as the one Julie's Mum got when she found Jerry, balls deep in her lovely daughter though.

When she's heard Julie screaming she thought that Jerry was raping her little girl.

How was she to know that her daughter was a screamer in the heights of passion? Now Pam was a big woman. Jerry was in for a shock when she launched herself at him. Apparently he fell out of bed as she approached him, knocking himself out in the process.

This gave Pam time to phone the police to report the rape and the current incapacity of the rapist. What else was Pam to think? She couldn't believe that her daughter would go with "That old man" willingly? He was older than her!

I was in blissful ignorance of all this of course. When I went to pick her up I was so excited. I was surprised to see the estate agents locked and bolted. Now in those days, back in the early 90's I didn't have a mobile phone, neither did Julie, They were rare. In fact the only person I knew with one was that bastard Jerry and that was just for business and swank.

I had no idea how to find her. I eventually drove to our flat. I felt like my heart had stopped when I saw the police cars. They wouldn't even let me in the building. It was a female police office who was in charge that day. I forget her rank but I never forgot her kindness. She looked a tough old bird but she gently told me exactly what had happened. They had been called to a rape scene to find an unconscious man and a mother and daughter in shock. They had soon determined that Julie had been a willing participant. They were still trying to establish poor Pam's role in Jerry's injuries.

Of course I didn't believe her at first, No, not my Julie, We were happy. Really happy. We were going on holiday tomorrow. Had been going on holiday tomorrow. I think I went into shock. She administered that age old British treatment for shock of a strong tea with two sugars, provided by a kindly, if nosey neighbour. She told me that Julie was with her dad, Dave. Poor Pam was still helping police with their enquiries down at the station at this point. Goodness only knows what my father-in-law was making of it all.

The police dropped me off at the hotel. They wouldn't let me drive. I didn't really have anywhere else to go. My Nan had moved into a little warden controlled flat. I couldn't stay with her. The police were great, they even went over to the pub and told them I'd said to have the party anyway. It was paid for. The landlord said he would just announce that the party girl and her husband had been unavoidably detained but that they should eat, drink and be merry.

As I sat on the end of the bed staring into space, I doubted at that point that I would ever be merry again. I was 22 years old and my life had ended. Silly little boy, I was. That's how I felt though. I loved her so much. I trusted her. I had trusted her. What had I done wrong? She seemed happy. She seemed satisfied with me. Why that sleaze? She knew what he was like? Why?

I cried myself to sleep that night. I'm not ashamed to admit it. I heard the sounds of the disco across the road. I bet there were tongues wagging in there. My last thought as I finally drifted off was that the DJ had done well, He played all Julie's favourites. She would have enjoyed it.

It was a couple of weeks before I got any news to my questions about why Julie had decided to rip my heart out of my chest. In the meantime I did what any sensible person would do in my situation. I went on holiday with Mrs Barnes. No, not that Mrs Barnes. I took the one Mrs Barnes that still loved me and I knew would never let me down. At 22, I took my 82 year old Nan for a fortnight in Tenerife.

We actually had an amazing time. She was a force of nature my Nan. She was a wise old bird too. She's lived through two world wars of course. Though she was always keen to make it plain that she was only a small child for the first one. She'd had a long marriage, then entered widowhood, only to lose her only son and start all over again bringing up his child. She had seen it all in her time.

Over a lot of blue cocktails -- they were her favourite- she counselled me, far better than any therapist could have done. She asked me so many questions but never gave her opinion. It was all about how I felt about things.

"Can you forgive her? Can you live with her after what she's done? Can you live without her? Will your life be better or worse without her in it, despite what she's done?"

She let me make my own mind up. I loved Julie, but it hadn't been enough. There was no reason, no excuse that she could come up with that would matter to me. I still yearned to know why, but that was more for closure as they say nowadays.

I decided that I was still young, very young and that I deserved better. That was my decision. My final decision. My Nan looked at me and said,

"Thank goodness for that. That little trollop will rue the day she hurt my boy. You mark my words. Now, take me down to the pool bar, there's bingo on in a minute."

I lost Nan only a year later. I'm so glad that I got to spend that time with her. She made me laugh at a point in my life when I'm sure no one else could have achieved that.

So, after a fortnight in the sun. I returned home ready to divorce the first Mrs Barnes and to get some answers. After dropping Nan off, I made my way to the flat. I tried to sneak in but I was aware of some curtains twitching by curious neighbours. The flat was empty and cold, there was still blood on the bedroom floor. The dirty sheets were still on the bed. Julie had obviously stayed at her parents. I just closed the door. Looked like I would be sleeping on the sofa for a while till I could get my head round things. I knew I wouldn't be sleeping in that bed again.

I felt disappointed. Deflated. I'd been ready to have the big conversation with Julie. I wanted to tell her what I thought of her. I'd been practising it in my head for a fortnight. I decided to wander down to her dad's garage, to see if he was about. He was working on a car when he spotted me. He took me into his little scruffy office, strewn with invoices. He made me a cup of tea (with two sugars, I noted) and told me exactly what had happened.

Jerry the sleaze, the opportunistic bastard had seen an opportunity to 'seduce' Julie as her dad gently put it. He was so embarrassed telling me, but bravely ploughed on. Knowing that I was working extra shifts and knowing why, Jerry had planted the idea in Julie's head that I was being unfaithful with some tart.

"I know what young men are like, Julie. A good looking lad like that, you can't expect him to keep it in his pants."

He was a manipulative bastard. Well, he was a salesman after all. He knew all the right buttons to press.

"I can't believe he'd do that to you Julie. If I had someone as gorgeous as you, I'd never stray. You need a mature man who appreciated you, not some kid who doesn't deserve you."

He worked on that jealousy he knew was inside her. He worked on her for weeks, eventually planting the idea of revenge sex in her brain. Her dad said she resisted him for weeks, but when he showed her the photos of, she gave in.

"Photos? I asked "What photos"

"The photos of you and Claire."

"There are no photos of me and Claire. There is no me and Claire."

"I know son, believe me I know. Jerry had got one of the photographers from the estate agency. Clive his name is, to take photos of you and Claire when you were planning the party. The one of you coming and going into the hotel together was particularly damning."

I started to protest but Dave carried on

"I know it was all innocent. Just sorting out everything and I know that on that particular day you'd been a while because you were looking at the ballroom, but it was too expensive to have the party there. There were picture of you shopping with Claire, having a drink at the pub. Of course all the pictures were carefully cropped to make sure that you couldn't see that Pam was always there too. He wouldn't have been able to fool her if she'd seen her own mother was present, would she?"

I must have just looked stunned. Jerry really had been desperate to get into Julie's knickers.

"All this son, coupled with the fact that she knew you were being secretive with her. Too many times putting the phone down when she entered the room. All those extra shifts but not necessarily any extra money going into the savings account. All this made her believe the lies that bastard was drip feeding her when he said that you were up to no good.

I make no excuses for her, son. None at all. I'm completely ashamed of her and after what she's done to you, me and her mother, I could cut her off completely. She's still my daughter though and I can see how she was manipulated."

There were a few minutes silence, it felt like hours, before I manged to speak.

"So he's confessed all this?"

"Well son, here's the thing. He had to, as part of the police investigation. They weren't sure if Pam had assaulted him at first, you see. If he hadn't fallen, I'm damn sure that she would have done too. She's devastated. Broken hearted for you both but she can't get that image out of her mind, of seeing them together. I'm just glad you were spared that, at least. The doctor has had to put her on tablets. I'll never forgive our Julie for this. Never. I can't turn my back on her though."

I understood that. I understand it even more since becoming a father myself.

"I told Julie all about the party and the holiday that first night. I told her a few other things as well. That she was a disgrace and what a smashing young man she had in you. She was horrified at it all. Horrified by what she'd done, what had happened with her mother but I couldn't convince her that you hadn't cheated. Jerry really had done a number on her.

It took her Mum to convince her that you had always been with her and Claire. Clive must have felt guilty too as he called to apologise. He claimed that he thought it was all part of some elaborate prank. I don't believe it for a second. Jerry had obviously paid him and though it pains me as a father to admit it, I think he thought that once Jerry got to Julie. Well, he might get a slice of the pie too."