Gangy's Gap

Fast forward to 1978

It was Rachael's 8

th

birthday party. It was an awful, awful day but for me the culminations of a slow decay of Claudia and my marriage. At that moment the kids were happy enough with the party in full swing, all else in the kids minds were forgotten. It was raining outside so the activity within was very noisy with Claudia's Mother and her younger sister orchestrating proceedings. Claudia was elsewhere. Children's parties just didn't seem to matter for her any longer. This hadn't always been the case.

Last night she had announced to the family she was going away. She would not say where; she would not say when and if she would return. She had given me a gift, a Pounamu (Greenstone) pendant, one known as a "Toki" signifying strength. She was asking me to stay strong. She had bought it while at a conference in Otago. I asked her then if she had seen Miriam, my elder sister and the closest in my family to her. She had, but made no comment to what went on between them.

She held my face and ran her fingers through my hair saying she loved me but she couldn't stay with me.

Obviously the children were upset, her Mother too. Her Mum, Emma now spent much of her time living with us and as such had become our children's surrogate mother. But in the light of Claudia's ever increasing distant behavior perhaps it was not a total surprise for any of us.

Once married, we had three girls in short succession Rachael, Miriam, (After my sister) and Emma (after Claudia's Mum). They were now sequentially 8 years, 6 and 5 years old. In the early years of our marriage the girls could not have asked for a better and more devoted Mum. In those years Claudia was completing her bachelor's degree part time which had now been a year. This last year she did her Masters full time. The intensity of her study meant that family time dropped away and her Mother and I took on greater responsibility. Claudia took a paper in Women's studies and she developed a real focus on the subject. She was intending to undertake a doctorate based in this field.

We never had any real discussion with her on this subject. I found this frustrating as we had previously enjoyed discussing her subjects when she was doing her bachelors. Now wanting to proceed with the doctorate she was finding it very difficult finding someone to oversee it. Over this period Claudia was also spending a lot of time away at conferences or other committee and study group meetings

Coinciding with this was an increasing loss of intimacy between us. Although we had recently made love rather half-heartedly a few times; this last night I made a desperate attempt at a memorable night but tearfully she refused me and turned her back. The loss of intimacy I had put down to that condition most married couples with children go through but now I was beginning to wonder.

It revived my thoughts about Mike's prophecy all those years ago at Arcadia. Could she be cheating on me? She certainly had plenty of opportunity. I tried to bring up the subject with her but we seemed to have lost the art of communication. In our early years of marriage our love life was never dramatic. It seemed like Claudia had overreached at Arcadia more than anything else.

I did harbor some resentment in Rachael not being mine but we never argued about it. In fact we never argued about anything really until recently. We were so damned reasonable with each other. Perhaps that contributed to the slow decay.

She had developed a very close relationship with a longtime friend, Julia. Julia acted like an acolyte to Claudia and would hang on her every word. I did ask Claudia if the relationship was developing into a more lesbian one. Claudia was not shocked at my suggestion but assured me it was not that. I wondered myself though whether Claudia was fooling herself.

It was then we found ourselves arguing about little things. The arguments never mounted too much and usually ended with either Claudia or I apologizing or making up in some way. Frustratingly it seemed that these petty spats simply served as a distraction from the really big questions that hung over us.

I heard a car pull in to the drive outside. I went to the window and mournfully looked on at the grey drizzling day. Claudia was now standing outside the garage with Julia both eye to eye, hands clasping deep in conversation. Claudia turned and saw me watching and gave me a smile. She then entered the house picking up a suit case she had packed the night before. I called the girls to say their final goodbyes. I am not sure that they understood that this could be for keeps. After kisses and hugs Claudia tearfully left joining Julia at her car.

I watched, fingering the toki which I now wore, with the feeling of a very large stone in my gut. I felt she was simply deserting her family. Emma and I could not understand why she would leave without a forwarding address or contact. Her Mother had tried and tried to get her to at least give us that but to no avail. I had rung my sister Miriam that morning. Miriam to whom Claudia had so often discussed her most intimate details was utterly shocked as she had no idea Claudia would do this.

At the time divorce laws in New Zealand did not make parting easy and in my mind I did not see the point. I just hoped she would experience what she needed and she would return to the fold.

There was not much music for us in this period but I do remember one pop song by the band Promises called 'Baby it's you' which even today brings a tear. In fact, I recall it playing in the back ground as the car pulled away.

I couldn't concentrate on the party. I left through the back door and found a secluded place in the garden. I sat on the stone garden wall oblivious to the mossy wetness and the drizzle plastering my hair to my scalp. I must have been talking to myself because I startled myself by shouting, "Fuck you Claudia, Fuck you!"

A little voice behind replied, "That's not a very nice thing to say to Mummy, Daddy."

I turned to look at a little wet Rachael staring back at me with a very earnest face, "I know you're sad daddy that she has to go, but she will be back."

"Did she tell you when?"

"When she has done what she has to do."

There was no reply to that. I told her we had better get inside before we get too wet. It's a curious fact that the girls seemed less concerned about Claudia than Emma and I. I guess they had not seen a lot of her lately but they seemed to have enormous faith in her return.

Rachael was always particularly special to me. I wondered why this was so because she was not mine biologically. I guess there was some fascination in trying to read her and what traits she had inherited. Sadly my experience at Arcadia had left me with a prejudice that the commune members were all inferior, defective in some way. I became a little obsessed with compensating by giving Rachael lots of time.

I don't like to think of her as a favorite but she did get the family title, 'Daddies Girl." As Claudia became less engaged with the family Rachael moved in to fill the gap, helping Emma and I. She cooked from a young age and was always the one organizing the family with Emma. It was she that decided we were going to the zoo, the beach or a picnic.

She also fussed around me as a little home PA and if I was ever doing any building or maintenance around the house she had to know how this tool worked and what that thing was for.

Rachael now more than ever was taking after her Mother in look, the same mane of thick black hair, those dark brown eyes, so Mediterranean. There was no hint of who the other fellow might have been. Despite my fascination it really did not matter.

With Claudia gone I was staring at a different future; a solo dad. I was no longer the long haired freak of those heady days. Now, I was the respectable school teacher; just an ear stud and silver bangle as a remnant of my youth much to the consternation of my conservative principal.

But at least I had one bossy 8 year old who was never going let me get out of line.

* * * * *

Fast forward to 1984

It was after school, and I was with the High School drama club and we were preparing for the first production of the year. It was exciting for me too because my daughter Rachael was to take part. It was her first so would not be a big part but she was as excited as I was. The production was to be a shortened contemporary version of Romeo and Juliet.

We were in a class space with the sun streaming through the window and I was summing up what we had been working on and was giving the pupils their homework in preparation for their first rehearsal. As was my custom I had a piece of music to inspire the actors carefully chosen for each scene. For this scene it was David Bowie's 'Heroes." Out of the corner of my eye I became aware of someone approaching the group. Naturally I assumed that it was a parent. I turned and spied a woman with her hair tightly tied back wearing shabby sweat pants and a hoodie. The glare of the sun meant that I could not quite recognize her. I asked who she was looking for. The rather nervous sounding reply was "I think you... Mr. Pledger"

Recognizing the voice I took a double take realizing it was Claudia who I had not seen or heard of since that grey day she had left us 6 years before.

A flood of warmth seemed to envelope me and my responded with a smile in return. The whole class was looking at us in silence as we stared at one another. Suddenly I became aware of our situation without taking my eyes off Claudia, I said, "OK guys, think we can break now. You are dismissed. You can collect your stuff and off home." Then I followed up with. "Rachael, can you stick with me for a moment?"

Rachael did not recognize her mother whose hair, clothes and demeanor would not match her memory.

When the last child disappeared out the door, I said "Rachael, would you like to hug your Mother, your prodigal Mum has returned!" There was no trepidation, both collapsed in each other arms, crying.

It was to be some time before I could get a word in amongst the emotional whispering and gushing of recognition and reconnection. Finally they both looked at me and I was totally lost for words. All those little speeches I had planned for myself over the years for this occasion just became tied in a knot in my throat. Silently Claudia broke away from Rachael, came to me and hugged a warm affectionate hug. I had not experienced one like it for what seemed like eons and definitely not since she had left. Up close I spied bruising on the side of her face, she looked haggard and thin and my heart sank.

I finally spoke "Where are you staying Claudia."

She shook her head sadly, "Nowhere."

My reply, "Well, welcome, welcome, home." I involuntarily touched the Toki which was still around my neck.

I turned off the music.

She literally had no possessions apart from what she was standing in. Rachael and I collected our own things and we all made our way to my aging Toyota and made our way home. I made it plain that we would not ask any questions of Claudia until it was appropriate to do so. In the meantime she should come home and make herself comfortable. Claudia was obviously worried about meeting the other girls and asked what I had told them about her disappearance.

I began saying how I had told them that their Mother was on a quest, and then Rachael picked up the story.

"Dad told us you were on a mission to find the utopian land at the end of the world where men and women live in perfect harmony and you were going to bring back their secrets for us all."

Claudia began to say "Well I don't know about a quest," But I butted in saying, "I actually suspect you were."

"Mm perhaps I was."

Rachael chimed back with "Dad used to tell us stories about all your adventures with your friend Dorothea." I noticed Claudia visibly flinch at the mention of a friend. Rachael continued, "I really liked the one about the night you bamboozled the dragon..." And on it went all the way home.

Dorothea was Mike's Wife back in Arcadia. The name and Mike were about my only two things I liked about Arcadia and using Julia's name would have been too close to home. I presumed the name would have been a jolt for Claudia considering our experience there.

In those preceding six years, life without Claudia had eventually settled in to a new largely happy regime. It was a totally different life with an interesting and mutually supporting little community.

The house was a large rambling two storied house on the side of a hill. On the ground floor were a single garage and a 4 bedroom flat which I renovated to a good high standard. Upstairs were four bedrooms as well.

Following the departure of Claudia I was depressed for some time so that renovating the flat became a tangible project to get me mentally in order; Rachael supervising of course.

To involve myself more with the girls, I helped coach at netball, first with Rachael and so on. As well as my teaching duties at school I had one night a week taking the drama club which increased when productions approached opening nights. Initially I was dependent on Claudia's mother but eventually my father retired and he and my mother moved to Wellington. They lived in the flat for a while before moving on to a place of their own.

A cousin of mine, Sue arrived back from a failed marriage in the UK about that time and moved into the flat. She was an early childhood teacher with no kids of her own so she rapidly became another Mum for the kids. She eventually enlisted two flat mates, a hairdresser named Kim and another hairdresser, a gay guy named Gary. Claudia's younger sister Georgia also started turning up. All were very sociable and engaged in some way with the kids which tended to make them somewhat precocious around adults.

With such a caring team I began to take on a night class teaching photography once a week as well as the drama club. I had long taught a photography class in school time.

Just over two years after Claudia and Julia's leaving, I had a visit from Julia's husband. He was a well-known media personality, James Blair. We had a very casual relationship before then so I did not really know him. He told me he was seeking a divorce so he was interested in Julia's whereabouts. I could not help him. He expressed a great deal of revulsion toward her as he assumed she had left him for a lesbian relationship with my wife. He did not really have any evidence so it was as much a mystery to him as it was for us. He had gone as far as getting a private investigator but to no avail.

It was assumed they had left New Zealand. If they had stayed they would have to be under an assumed name. He eventually got his divorce on the basis of desertion. There was quite a fanfare about the new marriage in the media but little was said about the divorce. The publicity did not bring up any clues either and I worried that they might not be alive.

As I was sort of separated, a number of women took an interest in my welfare including Claudia's sister. I was tempted but never really succumbed. I never actually asked anyone out on a bone fide date but I did take a partner to the odd function and some dropped by our home. Georgia, in particular, spent a lot of time with the kids. She was now a lawyer and did have the odd beau but spent a lot of her time with us.

The kids got to know their Auntie Suzy and Auntie Georgie really well and loved them both. Sue and her flat mates were party animals and fashionistas as well, so sartorial presentation in our little community took a lift and opportunities taken for not too wild parties with selected like-minded people.

Sexually I missed Claudia terribly and rather succumbed to what I felt would be cheating. I maintained a secret stack of porn. This began to evolve when Claudia and my sexual relationship waned. I would rather masturbate to porn than directly cheat on her.

I never threw out any of Claudia's things and from time to time would go through them as a desperate way of reviving some emotional connection. I was doing this in the attic one rainy Saturday, When I discovered small pack with some of my things dating back to when we were married. In the pack I discovered the three films as yet undeveloped I had been handed when we left the commune.

Holding these films I had a feeling of foreboding and, I admit, a deep morbid prurient curiosity about what they contained. There were a lot of unanswered questions about what Claudia had done. I suspected Claudia did not tell me the truth and at the time I did not really want to know. I don't think Claudia ever knew I had the film and certainly never discussed the subject of the photographs she undoubtedly knew were taken. At the time I received the film I really had no way of developing them. Getting them commercially developed would be risky as what I suspected what was on the film would be pornography and illegal at the time.

I now had the wherewithal to develop them privately. I brought some gear home from school in order to develop the film. I was shocked at the result. It left me with a feeling of shame and profound guilt. Many of the photographs were taken during the day and a few at night. The day photographs consisted of each of the male members singly fucking her in various positions usually in the scrub near the vegetable patch. There was also two of the women members eating her pussy and fisting her.

One of the night time photographs was of her brother sodomizing her. It seemed to be done as some kind of a dare because there was others surrounding them laughing. None of the shots included Guru George and his number one wife.

There was one of me with the naked women in an electric lady land pose which I had known about. But the equal one taken with Claudia was part of a series that appeared to be the gang rape of her by the entire crew. I say rape as it did not look like any of it was consensual. It had obviously started with the group photograph which this time included Guru George. He was naked, just as I had seen him with his beads and wing backed chair; so this was obviously a planned event.

There was a photograph which appeared to show Claudia struggling but the rest looked like the start of the ceremony that I discovered when I went looking for Claudia. These photographs must have all been taken before I arrived. At the beginning they had her on her back with the gown I saw her in bunched up under her chin. Her legs spread and held at an impossible angle while they all took turns at her, the first round leaving a torrent of cum oozing from her vagina. She looked distraught with her eyes tightly closed and head to the side but she was pinned down firmly so she could not resist. By time I arrived things had obviously settled down and Claudia resigned to her fate. To think that I had witnessed this and even shamefully taken part in it.

The horrible thought I had was that these guys with all their protestation of peace and love had achieved what the heavy so called mates could not do at Gangy's Gap. The utter hypocrisy was astounding. This time I did not protect her and worse was complicit.

The photographs invoked the reality of what was happening there. They did not square with what Mike had told me as he had given me the film. The unreality of the times suddenly came home to me. These were events that had real effect on Claudia and others caught up in it. I was left with the indelible memory of male misogyny out of control.

I kept the photographs for a while and pondered what it all meant. To my shame I admit I was driven to masturbating with them. At the time it seemed I was desperate for her love but after this overcome with guilt and destroyed the lot.

The so called arcadia, a place that was supposed to be a beacon of peace and free love was in reality an exercise in male driven debauchery. Why they picked on Claudia, I had no idea. I was certain that this traumatic experience must have had long lasting an effect on her and may have led to her eventually walking out on her family.