"You were wonderful Sandy, are you sure it is your first time eating a girl out?"
"Flatterer! I just imagined what I like to have done on me and tried it on you."
"Well, I give you passing marks, girl. I have certainly had much worse than that!"
I finally laid down to rest. This was not the way I expected this night to go, but I was still with a happy buzz from the earlier drinks and did not dwell on it much. I made myself comfortable and let Terry spoon me as we prepared to sleep. We made some small talk, but after a few minutes, she stopped talking and fell asleep. As I felt her the rhythm of her breathing behind me, I started to sober up and mull things over. After two long months, I finally felt I was ready to continue with my life.
A couple months ago, my boyfriend, Luke, had proposed to me. While I really loved Luke, and wanted to accept his proposal, I had to ask him to put it on hold. I had been having doubts about my sexuality for the past year, and I did not want to commit until I could find what I really wanted. I enjoyed our intimacy, but it never felt as magical as some people described it, and in the street, girls caught my eye more often than guys, confusing me about my feelings.
I feared that telling Luke the truth would hurt him and make him doubt himself. "Honey, sex with you is nice and all, but it is making me wonder if I am into girls" is something no guy wants to hear. Instead, I told Luke that marriage was an enormous commitment, and one I did not want to take more than once. While I loved him, I was yet not fully sure we were meant to spend the rest of our lives together, so I asked for three months to make up my mind and give him a definitive answer. While Luke was dejected, he loved me enough to comply, as three months could be just a drop in the rest of our lives. I was very apologetic, and I'm sure he appreciated my enthusiasm in bed to make up for it over the next few weeks.
The proposal put a deadline over my head, and I was not sure what to do about it. It would be completely unfair to marry Luke when there was a real chance that I would make us both unhappy. I read a lot on the topic and watched videos about it, but nothing clicked. It did not help that I did not have any homosexual friends, so I could not really compare experiences. I was running out of ideas, so I confided in a couple close friends, including my college roommate, Mary, who lived close to me. Mary told me that her boyfriend's sister, Terry, was a lesbian, and she offered to set up a meeting so I could talk about the issue with someone with firsthand experience. While my intention was to only talk things with her, and get to know her perspective, I had such a good time I did not keep track of my drinking, and she managed to talk me into leaving the bar for her apartment after some heated kisses. We had a couple more drinks there, and sex followed.
The experience had been enjoyable, and I had my share of orgasms, but it did not feel any better than with Luke, even with the aid of alcohol. Giving oral sex to Luke made me feel submissive and powerful at the same time, and receiving it made me shudder in anticipation of what was to come. Terry was very skilled and passionate, but she was far gentler that I liked, and my orgasms came from her skill rather than the mental elements at play. With Luke I felt like a prey, waiting to be caught by the hunter, and I loved it. He could choose to be rough and overpower me, and while he never did, the lingering threat was a big turn on for me. I liked feeling vulnerable, and I loved Luke for making me feel that way but never taking advantage of it.
Thinking carefully about it, I concluded that maybe my expectations about sex were too high. It was a fun activity, but it did not feel like a life changing experience. Maybe I just had a low libido. I could go several times a day when Luke and I were in the mood, but I had no problems remaining celibate for weeks either. All in all, I was pretty sure that Luke was enough for me, and that I could be the wife he deserved. I did not like that I had to have sex with another woman to find out, but I would never tell him about it, and would do my best to make him happy.
I was woken up by the sunlight coming through the window and I realized I must have fallen asleep at some point. I stirred lightly, feeling a mild headache from all the drinking, and felt Terry's body next to me. A deep feeling of shame came over me. How could I betray Luke like this? He had never given me anything but his best, and I slept with someone behind his back. I did not feel great about it but decided that honesty was not the way to go. I did not see a scenario in which he would forgive me and go ahead with the proposal if I confessed. We did not live together, so he would not question me about where I spent the night, and I was not planning on saying anything about it.
"Hey cutie, up for round two?" Terry's voice, and her hand upon my thigh, distracted me from my thoughts. "I could use more of what we had last night, Sandy", she said with a teasing tone.
"Terry... I don't..."
"Oh, regret kicking in?"
"It is not quite like that... I will not say last night was a mistake, I enjoyed it and it helped me make up my mind... but I have realised that I am not a lesbian, and I would like to be faithful to my boyfriend from now on."
"Oh, come on, what is one more time? It is not like you can undo what we already did, and he will be none the wiser!"
"I... just can't. It is hard enough to justify to myself what I did last night, and I would feel even more terrible if we did it again now that I am sure of what I want."
"Ok, ok, I will not pressure you. It is sad you are not up for a repeat performance, but what I got was good enough for me."
"Thanks... it is not about you or what we did... this just is not right for me anymore, if it ever was."
After that, we got out of bed, showered (separately, against Terry's insistence) and had a quick breakfast. I left her apartment with conflicted feelings, but overall hopeful for the future. After a 15-minute walk I made it home, made some coffee, tidied up the place, and called Luke over. I was busy thinking about how to give him the good news when the doorbell rang, and Luke showed up on my doorstep.
"Hi honey!" I said, giving him a kiss. "How was your Friday with the boys?"
Luke was unusually serious and quiet when he answered. "I had fun, but I also discovered that I might have a problem."
