How to Have an Affair

A Married Woman's Guide to Extramarital Affairs

Let's face it—practically all single men, a high percentage of single women and a disturbing percentage of married men are constantly on the prowl, looking for their next conquest. But what about married women? Do you seriously think that married women don't cheat on their husbands? Do we assume that they're always home blissfully taking care of the children? Perhaps they're cheerfully waiting patiently in the kitchen with a wonderful home—cooked dinner for their husbands. When they travel on business, they curl up with a good book, don't they?

Please

!

Of course married women cheat, or many

want

to cheat, but because cheating by men is more socially acceptable and understood, married women often feel like they're under the pressure of a moralistic thumb. Married women would be more successful if they just knew how to go about it. After all, practice makes perfect, and men practice their trade every chance they get. Why shouldn't we? The problem is, in my opinion, that married women don't know when to prowl, why to prowl or

how

to prowl.

To help those married women who are looking for

a little on the side

, I am going to present my guide to extramarital affairs. Consider it a

field manual

that describes under what conditions a married woman should consider an extramarital affair and what precautions they should take in pursuing the affair. To illustrate my points, and to keep the guide from being to matter of fact and dry, I'll illustrate my points by providing short vignettes told to me by my friends or a story from my own experience. Of course, I'm not going to say which is which—that will be up to your imagination.

So, if you're a married woman, why should you consider an extramarital affair? For starters, let's consider why you should

not

have an extramarital affair—

your sex life is terrible.

Sure—it's easy to blame your husband for a crummy sex life, but look deep inside yourself. Are you doing everything you can to make him want you? If you think he should want you simply because you're his wife, then think again. In fact, consider that

he

may be having an affair and that's why your sex life is lacking or, worse, unfulfilling. Let's face it—no sex is better than sex without a male-induced orgasm. Achieving an orgasm is something technology can help solve, after all.

A boring, unfulfilling or absent sex life is not a good reason for an affair until, that is, you have exhausted your options. In the next chapter we'll discuss what methods you can use to fuel your husband's desires and, for illustrative purposes, I'll describe how I make sure my husband

never

loses interest in me.

Okay. Let me say right away that I am not encouraging anyone to have an affair. But, if you are so minded, under what conditions would an affair be, if not acceptable, then somewhat acceptable?

You want a sense of adventure

If your goal is not simply sex for sex's sake, but sex that stretches the boundaries of acceptable behavior, then you may be ready for an affair. Of course, if that's the case, you can do this with your husband, but it is always more exciting with a stranger, isn't it? So, do you think it's adventurous to pick a guy up, take him to your room or home and have sex with him? You may become nervous doing that, but it's

not

an adventure.

You want to try out something new before you try it on your husband

No, I'm not talking about the everyday things, like, for example, anal sex. I'm talking about something involving a man and a woman that is outside the norm, something that might cause a little pain. You want to know how a man responds, a man you don't care about, so you can determine if you want to do it to or with your husband.

You meet a guy that you just have to have sex with

Hey—it happens to everyone. We've all seen them—the hot, sexy muscular guys that turn you on, the guys who

know

that they're incredibly sexy, the guys with a distinguishable

paso decidido y arrogante

, the guys who you want to kiss almost more than you want to have sex with—

almost

. If you start to tremble when you see him across a room then it is, in my mind, acceptable to stray a bit. Don't you think your husband, if given the opportunity, would do the same?

You want to try something new before you let your husband do it to you

Let's assume that you're sex life is quantitatively fulfilling, but lacking in imagination. Let's further assume that you've heard your girlfriends talking and, well, you have heard them talk about things you're never even imagined. What would those things be? Again, I'm not talking about the mundane, like anal sex. You can do that any time you want and, besides, would you let a stranger do it before your husband did? Absolutely not! But, if you could come close, maybe you'd give it a try.

You want to try the lesbian experience

Lesbian?

Not I

you say. But you have friends how have tried it and they have sworn by it, so, you think, there must be something to it. But, how can you do it, especially if you are at home most of the time? Well, if you have the chance, take it.

You're interested in a threesome

You've discussed it with your husband and he has, to put it mildly, frowned upon the idea. But you find yourself in a time and place with two gorgeous men and they both want you, and they both want you at the same time. Go for it!

You want to be a hooker for one night

Maybe you're the church-going, PTA-volunteering, recipe-browsing, landscaping, interior-designing, perfect stay-at-home woman. Maybe you're the woman in the office everyone loves because you're so chipper and friendly all the time. Maybe, just maybe, being that kind of woman drives you crazy and you have to get away, even for a moment. Can you do it with your husband? Probably not, especially if he's made disparaging remarks about some other woman's appearance, suggesting that she looked like a whore. But you wonder, what exactly is a whore and do they like their work?

Your husband has run out of gas

Erectile dysfunction? Ring a bell? There's a reason there are all these commercials on television. Men simply lose their ability to get hard and, worse, stay hard as they age. Women, too, seem to lose their sexual desires, or so I've been told (I shudder at the possibility). But suppose you're one of those women who has not lost her desires but, despite all your efforts, your husband simply cannot perform. Suppose, too, that you love him with all your heart but you are...unfulfilled. I know such a woman.

You want to go way beyond adventure

Think a threesome is exciting? What about a foursome or, maybe a five-some? Think it could never happen to you because there's just no way

you

would find yourself in a situation that such a crazy event could take place? But what if you were in such a situation? Would you seize the opportunity?

You find yourself in a situation that it too strange to be true, but too strange to ignore

Sex with an extraterrestrial? No, I'm not talking about that. I'm thinking more of being stranded on a tropical island in the middle of nowhere without your cell phone and with a gorgeous man. Or perhaps being caught in a blizzard and being stuck in a cabin deep in the woods, again with a gorgeous man. While events like these may happen all the time on soap operas, the likelihood of them happening to you is non-existent. But—

what if

? What if a strange opportunity presented itself to you and you could take advantage of it without feeling any guilt.

I'd say these are the most reasonable circumstances under which you should attempt an affair.

So, now that you've accepted the possibility, what are the

dos and don'ts

of extramarital affairs?

First of all, always use protection. That goes without saying. But one-night stands are spontaneous events and the opportunity for protection may not arise, so, try to only have an affair with a married man unless, of course, you are having an affair with a woman. This is important. It's unlikely that either of you will have condoms available, and you are much more likely to be with a clean guy if he's married than if he is not. This includes a threesome-make sure both of your partners are married. By the way, if you're going to have a threesome with a man and a woman, it's best if they're married, too.

Second—after you have the affair, leave the guy in the dust. You don't want some stranger pining after you. This leads to...

Third—resist the temptation to have an affair close to home! Trust me. This is not a good idea. Bide your time and wait until you are away from home.

So, now, without further ado, I'll present some practical advice on how to make sure your husband constantly wants you so your need for an affair is diminished. Then I'll present some stories about me or my friends that illustrate how to achieve a successful extramarital affair.

How to Make Sure Your Husband Is Always Interested

Let's dispel with the advice most people would give you. Unless you're between the ages of eighteen and, say, twenty two, and unless you are in tip-top shape, buying some scanty teddy and a thong is not going to work. If you're not sure about your butt and you don't have the confidence to wear the aforementioned thong, trust me-one askance look from your husband will destroy your desires and, in turn, his. So, instead, let's talk about the tried and true.

A sure way to keep his interest is-

innocence

! What do I mean by

innocence

? It's simple-whatever you do, don't be obvious. Pretend that you're unaware of the effect you may be having.

For example, don't assume that you have to wear sexy clothing. Everyday clothes can turn a man on, but you have to know how to use them. If you're a busty woman, wear a blouse that buttons down the front, but

accidentally

leave a few buttons open, enough to let your husband get a peek at your breasts. If you're small breasted, like I am, wear a top that billows out whenever you bend over, again

accidentally

providing a glimpse of your boobs to whoever is looking.

You see, men

love

to peek. My husband, for example, loves to peek at my breasts whenever he can despite the fact he can see them whenever he wants.

What about panties? Normally I like to go without panties altogether, but I do wear them to bed. So, in the mornings, I walk around in a tee-shirt that ends just above my belly button and plain white panties that hang on my hips. No thong for me! Just a thin pair of panties that are mildly transparent, and a tee-shirt that will expose my breasts from either the top of the bottom when I bend from the waist just a little bit, or stand on my tiptoes to reach for a plate or cup. I am, of course,

innocent

of the fact that he is taking those peeks.

This seems to drive him crazy! I can understand why men love to peek at a strange woman's boobs or butt, but why they love to peek at their wives' boobs and butt is a mystery to me. But they do, so take advantage of that fact.

On the other hand, when we're lying by the pool next to a good looking man and, let's say, his bathing suit is clinging to his body and his penis is outlined under it, don't we get unbelievably turned on? I guess peeking goes both ways.

So, wear loose clothing that exposes your best assets and-once again- pretend that you don't know he is taking peeks. Remember-

innocence

enhances sexiness.

To take maximum advantage of the peeking phenomenon, wear loose clothing when you go to a friend's home so her husband can take some peeks. To ensure that he will peek at you, no matter how much he knows he

shouldn't

, place your hand on your chest to keep your clothing from billowing the first few times you bend over. This sends the message-

yes, I know you can see my boobs but I'm not going to let you

. Then, innocently of course, forget to cover your clothing with your hand after that. Your friend's husband, knowing that

you

know your boobs can be seen, will be even more thrilled that

he

can see them.

How does this help with your husband? If he thought that you were purposely letting your breasts be seen by another man, he might get upset. But if he thinks that the man is getting a sneak peak, then he'll most likely be turned on. Men are like that. On the other hand, if your husband is aware that you're letting other men sneak peeks he may, in fact, be even more turned on. In either case, your husband will be aroused by the fact that other men are staring at you.

This concept of dressing so as to allow peeks is different from the concept of dressing

seductively

. Seductive clothing is like an advertisement which, unless and your husband have agreed to have a threesome or foursome, could be counterproductive. Why do I say this? Because, once you have made the decision to dress

absentmindedly

, you can then proceed to show interest in another man without seeming like you are advertising.

I'm not talking about hitting on a guy in front of your husband-that would be a disaster. No, I'm suggesting that the mere fact that you talk to another man, laugh at his jokes no matter how stupid they are, and pretend to be interested in his work will be enough to flame the jealousy burning within your husband. That, in turn, will want him to prove to you that

he

is the best lover in the world.

One final tip. I never wear perfume except when I think I can put it to good use, and the way I put it to good use is to apply it correctly.

What

, you ask? Applying perfume in a certain way can turn your husband on? You bet! Assume for a second that you're going out to dinner or a party or anything you might dress up for, and let's say your naked or, better yet, wearing only your panties. Ask him, "Do you like this perfume?" Hold your perfumed finger under his nose.

His answer doesn't matter. What you do next is apply some to one of your fingers and draw it slowly up one thigh. Do the same with your other thigh. Then draw a line between your breasts down to your pubic hair. If he asks why you're applying perfume in those places, tell him, "Well, isn't that where you're going to spend most of your time later?" If he doesn't ask why you're applying perfume in those places, he already knows the answer.

You see, turning your husband on does not have to cost a lot or, for that matter, take much effort unless you like the physicality that fantasies require. And, if your husband doesn't get turned on, well, someone else will, and then you have an excuse for an affair.