"Have you guessed the riddle yet?" the Hatter said, turning to Alice again.
"No, I give up," Alice replied: "What's the answer?"
"I haven't the slightest idea," said the Hatter" ― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
The insanity begins...
The drive home from the hotel was a somber experience for both. For Dan, he felt a small sense of balance returning to his life. The dark clouds of self-doubt cleared enough to bring w a bit from his thought process. A and seriously needed someone to talk to. But who? So he kept it to himself but kept all that occur to himself. needed that small miracle to keep his family together. The last two weeks had been a nightmare of insanity. Thoughts of loss, self-doubt, hate, and planning revenge had boiled in his brain 24/7. It could have crippled another man, but Dan kept himself in check by demanding 2 things of himself.
(1) He would not allow himself to consume any alcohol. Dan knew himself well enough to know all it would take is one to get him started. After that, anything could happen and instead, and he...
(2) ...kept reminding himself to put his children first. They would suffer the most if he did not think things through to their conclusion. The cost that would be paid for stupid knee-jerk reactions was unacceptable.
And now where they? This emotional roller coaster ride was because of what?! His beloved wife and mother to his children decided to get her freak on with some strange black cock? The burning rage he felt inside came from the hate he had for himself because he still loved so much. The worst part was knowing he would love her the rest of his life. Whether she deserved the title or not, truly, she was his "beloved".
Again, and again Dan struggled to remain focused. He did a fairly good job but missed the issue.
This was not Dan and Carrie against the problem.
It was not Dan against Carrie.
It was Dan against his perceptions of reality about himself.
What perceptions? His total contribution to the relationship between them both became grossly distorted. The moment he saw himself being bested by another man at pleasing his wife's sexual needs, he lost his mind. It was as if the angel of death, with the tip of its pointed finger, had lightly touched his heart. After that, everything Dan had ever accomplished during his marriage Carrie had zero value. And he believed in his mind, heart, and soul, that he never had never given the only woman he had ever loved any sexual pleasure during their entire marriage. His whole marriage was a lie.
If Dan could not be number one in that department, why would she ever want to be with him? What was she doing with him? Why would she settle for less than what he saw her experiencing in that hotel room that night?
Carrie was a liar! A fabricator! A deceiver of the worst order. A gold medal winner of fraud.
His best friend was a fake.
A fake who he loved and would love forever. Damn her! Forever!
Dan had an excellent poker face. He would not give himself permission to express his true feelings in public. If he had, he would have been arrested on the spot.
In his darkest moments, terrible ideas, complete with plans would come to Dan. The question driving his mind 24/7 as background noise only he could hear. "How to deal with Carrie?" A simple request that brought out the ugliest thoughts he had conjured in his entire life. He loved Carrie before, he loved Carrie now, and Dan would always love Carrie. But...
Before all this nonsense, Dan could never have imagined the vile, evil things he was capable of considering doing to Carrie to make her suffer. Dan had gone off the charts.
Now that there was some balance returning, some of his sanity returned. Back in contact with reality for the moment, those thoughts returned to remind him he could have lost control. Dan was terrified of what he could have done. To love someone so much to want to kill them. How can that be? But now what?
He briefly glanced over at Carrie to see how she was before returning his eyes to the road. Carrie sat motionless with no expression. She was leaning her head against the car window and watching the street lights pass by one by one. Returning his eyes to the road, Dan could sense she was lost and hurt without a word spoken between them. He took no pleasure now in seeing her suffering. Why did he even do this tonight? What else could he be done to make his point? Maybe tonight had made things worst...
Dan had already taken that pain trip alone and it was the worst feeling he had ever felt. He hurt so much he tried to understand the pain. Human emotions are uncontrollable spontaneous waves of feelings that temporarily override rational thought briefly in the brain. These emotions are brought on by interacting with one's environment. The is no escape from our design. Yet, rational thought can override emotional kneejerk reactions. Instead of the allowing the emotions of a situation rule the intellect, to control one's behavior, one must train their intellect to rule over their emotion. It would take Carrie a long time to digest what she saw tonight and live comfortably with it. Perhaps she never would. Dan had almost convinced himself he never would. He also understood she hadn't hit bottom yet. Carrie was seriously shell-shocked from the evening. Tomorrow would be worst. Tomorrow she would be alone with her thoughts. That's when the complex process to understand this chapter in their life would begin. Repeating over and over again in her mind a different outcome to all that had happened. A senseless exercise in futility the mind would play providing different illusions of what could never be. All those paths leading to dead ends. Hitting the dead end, the mind would repeat the complex process of understanding looking for a different outcome. Over and over again until the only question, that had to be addressed was, 'Were Dan and Carrie finished as man and wife?'.
Were they finished as man and wife? That was becoming more real for Dan. And that answer was...no point in getting into that tonight.
Dan's mind drifted to Janet. Wow. Just wow! Dan and Carrie had been two virgins who had known no others. Dan still felt intoxicated by the experience. Janet was young, very attractive, and to Dan, exotic. Janet was nothing than awesome hot. The end. Dan was keen on looking at the video Carrie made. He was pretty sure Carrie wouldn't want to watch it, but he is sure hell did. Dan was 30 and Janet was 25. He couldn't believe how nice it felt to have another woman in his arms. He never even would have had the experience with Janet if Carrie had not started tripping out on her black cock fantasy.
Dan's mind now was filled with Janet. Janet was a female human specimen of perfect proportions. She was beautiful. Perfect geometry. And with her body...her skin...the way she smelled...and her taste, Janet had saved him. She tasted so good. Dan was drunk with lust with her. And her ass was an altar of worship. The way she was grinding her ass into his tongue while praising his name for the pleasure he gave her drove Dan's oral freak to get on. He wanted to taste everything. That night Dan went from a man with deep depression and no sex for 2 weeks to feeling somewhat normal again. Everything about Janet was intoxicating to Dan. And more, Janet had saved him. Dan knew that. Soothed his mind. She had been a source of comfort. Dan drove home on auto-pilot, but his mind was filled with Janet. Nothing else existed.
"Dan, I'm talking to you!"
"Sorry Carrie, I'm just tired. My mind is drifting with all this between us. Sorry, what is it you said?"
Carrie observed his facial expressions and posture while he drove. That wife and husband connection thing. At that moment Carrie was more wife than Dan could ever have imagined. She was reading's Dan's mind. No problem. In Dan's mind? Stupid, was thinking of that whore. Carrie just knew it.
Instead of losing what little of her mind she had left from watching Dan have sex with another woman, she let out a deep breath. Without really thinking about it, she calmly opened her shoulder bag, and pulled out a large green, garbage bin sized bag, and waved it in his peripheral vision.
Dan turned and investigated her purse, "So, where's the kitchen knife?"
Carrie knew, that Dan knew, she would never have taken one of her good kitchen knives to that hotel. She wouldn't even let Dan touch her good kitchen stuff a home. And now? Carrie knew Dan was being an asshole and on purpose. That hurt.
"Danny, please stop it. You knew I didn't have one. Just take the damn bag!"
More confused than trying to be a smartass Dan simply asked, "So, what's the bag for?"
Carrie looked eye to eye briefly at Dan before he returned his to the road. Closely for the first time in the car, she turned away from the window to examined Dan with a critical eye. Her mind declared with absolute conviction, "I can't believe I fell in love and married this man. I could have done better than this."
A great desire to spit in Dan's face came to her. Right out of nowhere. Carrie was able to control that feeling but it was just under the surface waiting for her bubble to burst.
But Carrie was just as out of contact with reality as Dan.
Any fantasy men that lingered in Carrie's mind, had been washed away with the emotional backwash of losing her husband and breaking their family apart. Completely.
When someone sticks a knife in your heart, the desire for sex at any age wains.
For the 2 weeks, Carrie had lived alone for the first time with only the children. They had everything they needed but Dan spending the night in the house. They had a roof over their head, bills that were paid, and CASH!
Silly Dan had left Carrie with $10,000.00 in cash so she would have enough money for a couple of weeks. Even with all credit/debit cards left opened and all utilities paid through Dan's account, he was compelled to make sure she had cash.
The money had come from some cashed in mutual funds. Dan had to take care of his family. He really wasn't thinking at the time and had cashed out $10,000.00 worth because he needed some down time away from Carrie where he could be alone with this thoughts. He couldn't do that with Carrie in the next room. He figured, worst case scenario, his wife wouldn't need more than that for 2 weeks. And Dan trusted Carrie completely with all money matters. She was his trusted friend. She was his partner.
Dan reasoned, Carrie may be a whore now, but she has always a good mother and taken care of us. Carrie was the Queen of her castle, and as for money management? She was the best.
