Fast forward five years from the Hotwife Karyn story based in Illinois. We relocated to Silicon Valley; the kids were maybe 8 and 11; I was totally focused on my career and carrot chasing; and Karyn is the suburban housewife, totally focused on child rearing and running the household with no outlet for herself.
I was feeling guilty for Karyn's lack of personal freedoms, had major empathy for her and a sincere desire to improve the quality and breadth of her life. As much as I wanted to be personally engaged in that, there were limitations that made it almost impossible. Though we'd lived in California a few years at this point, Karyn had never found anyone she trusted enough to watch the kids. There was one neighbor she was okay with, but the girl wasn't available during the day or on a regular basis otherwise. Neither had Karyn established any close friendships with another mother with whom she could try to work out a reciprocal arrangement to watch each other's kids. Karyn needed some regular outlet, but the lack of childcare seemed to prevent it, especially if I wanted to be equally involved with her in whatever the outlet was to be.
The only solution seemed to be for me to stay home and take care of the kids during whatever evenings she might be involved in some outside activity. I encouraged her for a few months to find something she'd enjoy doing to get out of the house a couple nights each week. She never seemed to make the effort.
I was leafing through the mail one day and came across a schedule of evening adult ed classes in our area. I flipped through the catalog of courses and saw a couple things that might interest her. That evening I sat at the kitchen table with her and slid her the catalog saying, "Check this out. There are whole bunch of evening and weekend classes in here that are taught at a place only three miles away and they hardly cost anything. From arts, crafts, exercise, health studies and professional skills; there must be something in here that interests you. Hon, seriously, why don't you register for a class and have at least one night out for yourself each week."
She flipped through the catalog for about half an hour and surprised me when she said, "I don't know, maybe this Herbology class on Tuesday nights?" Though it wasn't anything I expected, I certainly wasn't going to question her choice. The following Saturday morning, she drove over to the community education facility and registered for the class.
The night of the first class I was totally hopeful for Karyn and had my fingers crossed that it was going to be something she could engage in and enjoy completely. When she got home after class I nearly met her at the door. "How was it, Hon? Did you enjoy it?" I asked.
She talked about the class, the material they covered, a little about the gentleman who was the instructor, and said she enjoyed it and was looking forward to next week. I asked her about how many people were in the class, and about the age and gender split of the students. After answering my question, she looked awkward for a moment. Curious, I asked, "What else?" She went on to explain that there was a guy in the class, probably around our age, that she caught looking at her several times. Karyn wasn't sure, but she thought he may have been "...checking me out." I smiled and told her that I wasn't too surprised by that, she's an attractive woman. With some concern, though, I asked her if she thought he was creepy or a cause for concern? "No, he's not creepy or anything. I just noticed him looking at me more than normal."
I told her it probably wasn't anything to worry about, that she should be flattered by the attention. I was very happy she enjoyed the class and I was looking forward to next week.
The second week she came home a bit later and was very animated as she told me about the class and what they'd covered. Afterwards, like the previous week, she seemed a bit awkward again. I smiled and cocked my head, "What?"
"Remember the guy I said was looking at me last week?" she started. I nodded. "Well, he waited for me after class. I stayed to ask the instructor some questions. When I walked out of class, he was there. He introduced himself and asked if he could walk me to the car. He seemed nice so I said okay. He walked me out and we talked about the class a little. Before he closed my car door he said, 'Maybe we could get coffee or something after class one evening.'" Karyn paused and looked down for a second. "What did you say to that?" I asked, upbeat and nonjudgmental. "I said maybe." and she glanced into my eyes for a reaction.
I smiled and told her, "That's okay, Hon. He's obviously attracted to you and I certainly can't blame him for that. If you want to stop after class one evening, that's fine. There's nothing to be embarrassed by or ashamed of - let's just see how things unfold."
Karyn seemed surprised. "You're okay if I go out with him after class?" she asked incredulously.
"I don't mind if you go with him after class for coffee or tea or whatever. I think the interaction would be good for you. I don't feel threatened by it. I love you, I trust you and I feel completely secure in our marriage. As long as we're honest with each other, I don't care if you have a friend that's a man, even if he were to become a lover - if that's what you wanted and we talked it through."
Now she was shocked. "You don't care if another man makes love to me!?!"
"That's not what I said, Hon." I replied, keeping a loving tone. "I care a very great deal if another man makes love to you. You are my wife and I want to be your husband for our lifetime together. But that isn't to say that I would do anything to limit any good thing that you might experience in your lifetime. That includes whatever friends you may have. If you had a friend who was a man and the relationship was positive for you and you were growing from it, I would encourage it and stand behind you, even if it involved a physical element."
