Hello Father

It was going to be a good day. It was a perfect day for a long run on the beach, a hot shower, and then college football on television. San Diego State was on in the morning and USC was the afternoon game. I strapped on my running shoes, headed out the back door of my house, and turned south. I hit the five-mile mark and turned back for home. The run cleared out the cobwebs and by mile eight, I had completely forgotten about the last week of work. La Jolla was great this time of the year. Half the country had snow, and I'm running on the beach in shorts.

I grabbed a quick shower and threw on some pants, a polo shirt, and a pair of Topsiders and headed for Tequila Joe's. By the time I got to Tequila Joe's, San Diego State was already one touchdown ahead. I liked this place. It had four large televisions with a different game on each one, good food, and the waitresses were friendly (and not too hard on the eyes). Margo was my favorite. Cute, compact, and she always had a smile for this old guy. She was way too young and I had no intentions with her. But just having a warm smile made my weekend better. I spent many a Saturday here watching football, and a few Sundays too.

San Diego State was in control, moving the ball well and scoring. The defense was holding too. My chicken salad lunch was history and I had just ordered my second beer. San Diego State was driving to another score when he walked in. I didn't see him, but he saw me. He walked directly to my table. When he arrived at my table I noticed him with surprise. He then said the words that I had hoped never to hear again.

"Hello Father"

The words rocked me. At one time it brought such joy to hear those very words, but those days were long gone. Now, those words just cut. I looked at the boy. Heck, he wasn't a boy anymore. He is over twenty-one by now. It had been five long years since I had last seen him. Robert was a gangly sixteen when I left and just starting to shave. He had grown some. He had matured and filled out with muscle. He was a young man now.

I said " Hello Robert"

"Tell me why", he hissed

I had practiced hundreds of times, staring at hundreds of sunsets, what I would say if this meeting ever happened, but I could not remember the words now. I looked at Robert. He had anger in his eyes. He stood with clenched fists and his knuckles were white. I realized that if I stood, he would probably knock me down, so I stayed seated. I felt true sorrow for the boy. I didn't want to hurt him. Hell, I had hurt him enough. He and his brothers must have had a difficult time for the last half-decade.

I said the only thing that I could think of, the truth, "I'm not your father."

"What?" he said

"I am assuming you are asking why I left you, your brothers, and your mother five years ago. The reason is because I'm not your father."

That stunned him, confused him and he relaxed his fists. His face displayed confusion and I could tell that statement was rocking his world. Missing pieces were falling into place. I stood up and guided him into the chair. Looking at him, I could see his world crumbling, just as mine did five years ago.

I called Margo over and ordered a couple of beers. At one time, I had fantasies of just this. Sharing a beer with my son, but this wasn't what I envisioned.

"How? What?" was all he could say.

I looked him in the eyes and started. "I'll start at the beginning. It was the first day of high school when your mother and I met. It was second period science lab. She just moved to Denver from Oklahoma and was new to the school. She was the last person into the lab and the only open seat was next to me. Nobody wanted to sit next to me because I had a reputation for being one of the smart kids. Kids never associated with the smart kids and never wanted to sit next to them. Sandy, as the new girl, got stuck next to me. I could not have been happier. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen." She was tall and blond. Those were two of my favorite attributes. She was slim with small breasts, but she filled out her sweater quite nicely. She looked at me and gave me a smile that melted my heart. From that moment on, I was hooked."

"The science class was tough and Mr. Rothenberg was a hard grader. Sandy was smart, but math and science were not her best subjects. Since we were lab partners, I tutored her and had to help her through that class. We studied in the library twice a week. For some unknown reason she seemed to like me. We hit it off well and quickly became inseparable. She passed with a strong "B". During that year, we became best friends. In our sophomore year, we had three classes together. I helped her through math, and she helped me through composition. That year, we had biology together. We both blushed during the sex education discussion and after that class, I kissed her. It was my first kiss."

"Through the rest of high school we were a couple. We went to every football game, every dance, and every party together. It was after Homecoming of our junior year that we gave our virginity to each other. It was in the backseat of my father's car parked near our old little league field. I was clumsy and awkward. She was perfect. It was the most fun I had ever had. I thought I had died and gone to heaven."

"Our senior year we had a crisis. I was accepted to attend MIT in Boston. We did not want to be separated, so we worked hard and got her accepted to Boston College. We graduated from high school and had a wonderful summer together. That fall, we packed up and moved to Boston together. We rented a small apartment near her school and I commuted to Cambridge for my classes. I had a scholarship for my tuition and we took out school loans for Sandy's. Our parents kicked in with rent and food money. We were young, in love, and happy."

"My school was tough. I had to study every night and a lot of the weekends. They expected a lot and I wanted to be at the top of my class. Sandy did not have the same workload or commitment. She was there to get a degree, be with me, and have fun. We were in love and making love at every opportunity. It was here that your mother developed her social attitude. Sandy developed a close group of friends, both female and male. At the time, I didn't think a thing about it. She loved to have friends around and be the center of their attention. She was always very friendly with everyone."

"We spent each summer back home and drove east each fall. The four years flew by. I graduated with my degree in Aeronautical Engineering and Sandy got a bachelors degree in History."

"We came home to Denver and our parents threw us a great welcome home party. All our friends were there. It was there that I got down on my knees and proposed to your mother. Everybody already knew that we were going to get married, but this was the official event. She cried and quickly said yes."

"After the party we spent the whole night making love. Sometimes, Sandy was insatiable. This was one of those times. I could hardly walk the next day." I avoided the details. No boy wants to hear explicit details of his mother's sex life.

"Before graduation, I had sent out some job applications and talked to some companies at job fairs. Now that I had my degree, I set out to get a real job. I interviewed with a couple of places and they said they wanted me. But, it would have required us to move. Sandy and I wanted to stay around Denver. She wanted to stay close to her friends and her family. I got an offer from Telluride Technologies in their aircraft design unit and I accepted. I started out at the bottom, but quickly grasped the process and got promoted to a team leader. They had a contract with Boeing and we were doing some of their design work. We were working on some cutting edge stuff and my MIT education helped a lot."

"Sandy was working at an insurance company doing medical billing. It was not difficult work for her, but she didn't mind. She was planning a wedding and was very preoccupied. She stayed busy with her friends and co-workers.

"The months flew by and the next thing we knew, we were standing at the altar. We were married in a beautiful ceremony in your grandmother's backyard. All our families, your grandparents, and all our co-workers and were there. It was a wonderful day. I still have memories of that day. You have seen the pictures. I thought that she was the best thing to ever happen to me. Boy, for being an MIT grad, I sure was clueless. We got a little apartment and set up house."

Robert was absorbing all this. I'm sure that he had heard these stories before, but now he was listening closely. Listening for some of the pieces missing from his personal puzzle.

I continued, "At work, I was getting noticed. One day, I got called into the boss' office and he asked me if I wanted to move to a new unit. There were a couple of other men with us. I thought it was strange that my boss never introduced us. Later, I found out that they were from the Government. Way up high in the Air Force. I asked a couple of questions about what we would be working on, but he just deflected the questions. He did not give me any clue what the future would be, but he just said that I would enjoy it and there would be a raise. I said yes. I filled out a bunch of forms from the two guys. I went home and told Sandy that I just got promoted and we celebrated."

"The next Monday, I showed up at work and they gave me a flight report on a project called Have Blue. I was to begin work on some new technologies for the Air Force. Technically, the words we used were that we were working on reducing the cross-sectional radar signatures while increasing fight capabilities. Today we call this work stealth. It was all very secret work. It was fun, but it took a toll on Sandy and me."

"Sandy supported me and we made love at every chance. She never turned me down. But some nights I had to work late and she had to entertain herself. She had a group of friends from work and she would stop on the way home from work to have a couple of drinks. I didn't worry. I had met most of the co-workers and they were a mostly an ok bunch. By the time I got home, she was waiting for me, usually in something sexy. Looking back, I probably should have paid closer attention."

"Three months into my new job, Sandy called me at work and told me she was pregnant. I was ecstatic. I was going to be a father. I called my mom, sister, and everybody else I could think of. I came straight home and we celebrated again. We stayed up late at night and planned everything out, all the way to our baby's college. In the next months, we painted a room for the nursery, and prepared for our family. A few months later, you arrived. I was in the delivery room and watched you come into the world. I think that this was the happiest day of my life. You were gorgeous. Two arms, two legs, beautiful face, and a loud cry."

Robert just listened. I looked over and caught Margo's eye. She was close by. Was she listening? Did it matter? She brought two more beers.

"We discussed names. I should say, I discussed names. I wanted to name you after my father, Edward, or my grandfather, Peter. But Sandy would hear none of it. She named you Robert and that was it. I was just happy to have a son and didn't care that much. So Robert it was."

"With a new mouth to feed, I felt that I had to work extra hard. I wanted to provide for you and our family. I still found time for Sandy, but she was always tired. I helped with the diaper changes and took my turn with the after midnight feedings, but things were strained. Sandy stayed home for a couple of months, but I could tell it was wearing on her. She needed some adult company and I encouraged her to go back to work. My mother could baby-sit. Sandy was much happier after that."

"Sandy worked hard to get herself back in shape. After you were born, she walked and did aerobics almost every day. After six weeks, she looked great. One benefit was her breasts did not get smaller. They stayed a very nice C- cup. We soon got into a routine. Work, feeding, and sleep. We did return to our love making as often as you would allow. Sandy even got to go out a few evenings with her co-workers while I stayed home."

"It was not six months later that Sandy told me she was pregnant again. We quickly decided that our little apartment was too small and began to look for a house. We had saved for a down payment and soon we found a place in the suburbs. It was a lovely house with a large yard. We moved in and a month later, we were back in the delivery room. Your brother arrived kicking and screaming. Again, I wanted to name him Edward or Peter, but your mother named him Randy. I conceded and Randy was brought into our family. I thought we were happy. I had not a clue that anything was amiss. With two boys in diapers, I though the stress was normal."

"After Randy was born, we decided that Sandy could not go back to work. She did maintain contact with all her work friends and still made it out to with her friends once in a while."

"Within a year, Sandy was pregnant again. Nine months later, Tim arrived. After another year, Michael arrived. You were four when Michael was born. After Michael, We decided that four boys were enough and Sandy had her tubes tied. But, you and your brothers were a very effective form of birth control and our sex life was challenged. But, I was happy."

"We quickly found our little home too small. We shopped around and found the place in Aurora. It was a great house with a yard big enough for all you kids and your toys."

"I began to notice things about Sandy. For one thing, she never once called you as "our boys." She always said "her boys." I attributed it to motherly pride, but it still bothered me. Another thing, she did was discount my job and me. Whenever we went to one of her social events, she would say I drew planes for a living. I did not correct her because I didn't want to embarrass her in front of her friends and also, what I did was classified, and couldn't discuss it anyway. But it still hurt."

"My job was very taxing. I was now leading my design team on a new stealth fighter. There were grumblings in the Middle East and the Air Force was pushing hard. My team and I were delivering. My bosses were happy and they showed it by laying on more work. But, even with all the work, I still made it to every little league game. I coached a couple of your teams and cheered every hit. That in itself was no easy task. With the four of you, I was spread pretty thin."

"When Michael began school, Sandy found herself with a lot of time on her hands. My job was providing a good salary, so she didn't need to work. So, she did the next best thing, she volunteered. She worked with the breast cancer society and library foundation. She found a way to fill almost every available minute. She worked hard and was very successful. And she developed a whole new group of friends."

"All in all, life was good. My stealth fighter was flying and it had dazzled the world in the Gulf War. You boys were growing and we were involved in sports. Sandy was involved in the community and she seemed happy. Our life together was very satisfactory. However, I began to think she resented the relationship I had with you boys. I see now that she sometimes tried to drive a wedge between us. I see that she tried to make our life more complicated. Sandy signed you up for baseball and Randy up for football. She had Tim in volleyball and Michael in music. I never knew why each of you had to have a different sport to play. And Michael with his music. He was good. I don't have a musical bone in my body and I didn't think Sandy did either. But Michael was a truly gifted musician. I don't know where he got it. I would joke with Sandy that the postman must be a great musician and she would just smile."

"And then it all came crumbling down. I just turned forty and the Air Force wanted me to get a physical. I hadn't seen a doctor in years. I was a healthy as a horse. The physical was very comprehensive. I did a treadmill test, blood work, and even had the finger wave. All was going well until the doctor checked my testicles. He found something. He was not sure what and he didn't tell me anything. He called a specialist. They made an appointment for me the next day. Now when the medical community moves that fast and gets you an appointment with a specialist the next day, you become worried. I didn't say anything at home and had a very restless night."

"The next day, the specialist ran a bunch of tests. A cat scan, and more blood tests. By the end of the exam, he seemed a little more relaxed. He told me to get dressed and then he would discuss the results of the tests with me. We sat in his office and he explained that they thought I had a tumor, but it was some kind of scar tissue. He asked if I had any significant injuries, and all I could think of was a motorcycle accident I had when I was fourteen. I was dirt bike riding when I went down and the bike went up. I spent a couple of days in the hospital, but recovered quickly. Then he destroyed my world."

He said " Is that what caused you to be sterile."

"I'm not sterile, I have four sons."

"Well, I don't know anything about that. But the tests show that your are sterile." I got mad and ran out of there. The next day, I got a second opinion. He said the same thing, I'm sterile. The next day, I got a third opinion. Same thing. The fourth day, I sought a different kind of proof. I took all four of you to the doctor. I told you and Sandy that we were getting flu shots, but actually, we were getting DNA tests.

I looked over at Robert. I asked if he remember that day. He nodded yes. He had tears in his eyes.

"Two weeks later, I had the results. I didn't think it could get any worse. It got worse. Not only were the four of you not mine, but also, each of you had a different father. I was devastated. I went to the nearest bar and sat. I contemplated the significance of this. I had questions, but no answers. I tried to remember any clues, but found none. My entire married life was a lie. Who was I married to? When? How? Where? After three doubles of single malt scotch, I called a taxi and was poured home."

"The next day, I was up early, with a hangover, and drove off to work. I couldn't think, couldn't concentrate, and couldn't even talk. My team noticed it and sent me home early. That night, Sandy cooked dinner. I remember it like it was yesterday. All you boys were at your high school basketball game. She wore a blue dress and made spaghetti. We had Chianti. I sat across from Sandy. I looked at her and wondered. I could not bring myself to ask. I looked at her with new eyes. I looked close and didn't like what I saw. I saw evil. I saw ugly. I got nauseated. She asked what is wrong. I couldn't answer. I ran to the bathroom and threw up. I threw up dinner. I threw up lunch. I threw up my past, everything. I was sick until there was nothing left. Then I threw up blood. In that toilet, I saw my life, and I saw my future. Sandy asked if she should call a doctor. I said, "No, just leave me alone." She was concerned. Now? Now, she was concerned? I threw up again. Sandy led me to the spare bed and laid me down. I cried all night."

"It was still dark when I got up. I didn't know what I was going to do. I just knew that I could not continue like this. I drove to the Denny's. I drank some juice and ate a couple of eggs. I managed to keep it down. I went to the park and watched the sunrise. It was a beautiful sunrise. A red sky at morning, sailors take warning. I drove to the office and resigned. They tried to talk me out of it. They asked what was wrong. I said nothing. I just quit. I went to the bank and took out half my 401k. Almost 80 thousand dollars. I drove home. Nobody was there. I looked for anything I needed. I saw nothing. There was nothing here for me. I wrote a note and left it on the table. All it said was "I know." I got in my truck and drove off leaving my home, your home, for the last time. I got to the interstate and wondered where I was going to go. I looked up into the clear blue sky and saw a hawk. He was flying east, so I turned east. I don't remember thinking of you boys, or even Sandy. All I wanted to do was escape the pain. I have very little recollection of those first days."