Funny As A Heart Attack

Fun like a Heart Attack

++++++++++Opening Lines ++++++++++

It was early April, 2013.

My name is Courtney Helm. Everybody just calls me Court, and I hadn't been feeling well for quite a while. I've been feeling tired; just really rundown. I'd been having dizzy spells and suffering from intermittent bouts of nausea. Lately I've felt a tingling sensation in my hands, and I've been feeling numbness in my left arm. I feel weak all the time, and I've had headaches that just wouldn't go away.

I felt especially bad this morning so when I got to work I called my family doctor and set up an appointment for that afternoon. I thought I had it figured out. At home I've been working outside; clearing out the scrub and weeds at the south end of the lawn. Being so tired I hadn't done much, but I've heard how ticks were active all year long. In fact I'd pulled a tick off my arm just a few days earlier. It was early spring, and I'd been in the grass so who was to say, maybe I'd contracted Lyme disease?

The doctor's secretary was his younger daughter, a pretty girl still in college. She set something up for me that afternoon. I looked around my office; it was just a little after 9:00 a.m. We'd been in since 7:00 working out the final details of a serious problem.

I work for the FBI. No I'm not what the movie people inappropriately call a 'field agent'. I don't do anything fancy or particularly dangerous. Tedious is a better word for what I do. I work inside. I work with all that disaggregated information our technicians keep pulling in through the billions of telephone messages that Americans send out and receive. It's a boring mind numbing job and I'm not going into detail about it, but every so often we come across something that could look troublesome.

Yesterday afternoon we'd thought we'd found something. I'd worked with my team late into the evening, then went home around 11:00 p.m.; I crashed, but was up and out again at 4:00 a.m. and back in the office by 6:00. Several of my colleagues had worked through the night. By 9:00 a.m. we realized there wasn't anything there. Brother, were we glad; exhausted but glad.

I thought at last I had a chance to take a break. I had nothing to do until the doctor's visit at 4:00 p.m. so I thought I'd go home, take another hot shower and jump back into bed for a while. I left our office, found my car, and hit the highway. I'd be home within an hour.

Me, my wife, and our three girls all live in an older development that was constructed in the mid 1950's. The houses are all well-built tri-levels. We have two and a half baths, four bedrooms, a small library, a living room, a dining room, a play room, a junk room in the cellar, and a spacious kitchen. I keep all my lawn supplies in a shed in the backyard.

I expected the house would be empty. The girls would all be in school. Amy, our oldest is a senior in high school, Melanie's a sophomore, and our littlest, Vonda, is a middle schooler in the eighth grade. My wife, though she doesn't work, spends most of her time at the country club. I call it a country club, but believe me it's not one of those rich people things. I mean anybody can join; it's a pretty eclectic group; we've got lawyers, doctors, and dentists, but there are truck drivers, plumbers, electricians, a mason, and even a few school teachers.

My wife is Nancy, Nancy Helm. She's something of a social butterfly. I like that. I expected she'd be at the club helping to get things ready for the weekend 'spring dance'. My wife; she's a real kitten. She's all of 5'2", and maybe 100lbs. sopping wet. She's a skinny little thing, mousy brown hair, green eyes, smallish breasts, freckles. She's the apple of my eye.

++++++++++ Courtship and marriage ++++++++++

It's kind of funny how my wife and I met. I was finishing up law school and was dating a woman named Ava. Ava was, and is, the classic beauty; the kind of woman seen in television commercials. She's just under 5'6", light brown actually sandy hair, hazel eyes, and a body other women pay money for. We'd been dating for over a year, and things had been kind of cooling down. I guess we'd more or less evolved from a hot item to just friends with benefits.

My parents were having a barbeque, and Ava, as was customary, was invited. Well she brought along a friend. They walked around the side of my parent's house; Ava in front and this little pipsqueak right behind. Well I adored Ava, but one look at this tiny little ragamuffin tagalong and I was through. I mean what a squirt! Dark brown hair, skinny arms and legs; she was wearing some kind of romper thing with shoulder straps and like these billowing pantalets. Not very pretty I guess, no tits, but she had these magnificent, I mean humongous big green eyes with lashes that must have been six inches long.

She was standing, no kind of hiding behind Ava. She saw me and squirreled further around behind Ava, but not before slamming me with a half dozen blinks. I mean it; I was stunned.

I didn't wait. I'm not the kind of guy to sit back and watch some other cracker get the cheese, and my younger brother Frank was there, and he was always on the prowl so I knew I had to move fast. Fact was I knew Frank sort of had his eye out for Ava. Frank had always been like that; if I had something he wanted it.

I went right after the minnow hiding behind Ava. I sort of swaggered over to Ava and asked, "Who's the mouse hiding back there?"

Ava sidestepped the mouse and said, "This is Nancy McCormley. She's an old friend of mine. You don't mind that I brought her along?"

I'd been drinking a beer. I belched and replied, "No, not at all," then I went after her. I bypassed Ava and reached out for her. The squirrel backed away so I followed.

Next thing I knew I had her backed up against my parent's wooden picket fence. I asked her, "What're you scared of?"

She was pressed back against the fence. Those tiny little knobs she called tits were sticking out like two miniscule little mole hills. She didn't have a bra on, didn't need one; her nipples were pressed tightly against the soft material of her outfit. I mean she wasn't some wanton. I could see some kind of camisole or half-slip under the romper. I could see the veins pulsating all along her long swan's neck. I couldn't decide if she was the homeliest girl I'd ever seen or the most adorable. She flipped her hair back and somewhat overdramatically squeaked at me, "I'm not scared."

I leaned into her and said, "Oh yes you are. You're scared to death of me."

She tried to turn and peel away, but I caught her. I grabbed her by her right wrist. I was careful not to hurt her. I pulled her close and said, "Come on. I want to introduce you to my family."

She just stared at me. I thought she was going to cry so I laughed and told her, "Don't be scared of me. I just made you my girlfriend."

She tried to pull away. The threatened tears were gone. She squared her shoulders and asked, "Just who do you think you are?"

I gave her my best 'All American Boy' smile, "I'm Courtney Helm, top tier law student at 'State University', and if you play your cards right I just might be the man you'll marry."

I didn't wait for an answer. It was an old line, and I'd used it a hundred times. I pulled her by her wrist over to meet my family. I introduced her to my mom, and dad, and my brother Frank. My dad just sort of stood there uncomfortably. He was never one for open displays of emotion.

My mom looked at me and then at my new toy and beamed. She held out her hand, smiled, and said, "So you're the one." I mean my mom was prescient that way.

Little Nancy didn't know what to say so I filled in the space, "Yeah mom, I think we found her."

Frank looked at me; he discreetly nodded toward Ava and murmured, "Back on the market?"

I grinned and told him, "Yep."

Well that was how the barbeque and my love affair with Nancy McCormley got started. I kept her with me all afternoon. Every now and then at first she tried to pull away, but after a while she got it. She was with me and that was that.

It was kind of silly actually. There must have been thirty, maybe forty, people at the barbeque. A lot of them were kids, or people, my age, some of them were people, girls, I'd dated. I saw a few raised eyebrows. No, I guess Nancy wasn't exactly the type people expected me to be with. I was more the statuesque long limbed big breasted type; Nancy sure wasn't any of those things.

As the afternoon wore on Nancy got more comfortable. She had this chirpy, kind of quirky, little voice, a sparrow's voice, and she sort of pranced and danced about like a little bird. I mean she was just as cute as she could be; just as adorable and scrumptious as they came.

Sometime late in the afternoon I started calling her my little sparrow, my little birdie. By the end of the day that had become her name, 'Birdie'.

We dated steadily from then on. I thought for sure I'd get in her pants before very long. I was a gifted womanizer, and I figured I'd have Nancy drooling over my penis within a month. It never happened. God she was little; she would have been easy to just overpower and lay out, but sometimes what a person can do and what a person actually does don't match.

Nancy fell for me. I knew that. She fell for me like a ton of bricks; the problem was I fell for her even harder. We dated for several months. There wasn't anything I wouldn't and didn't do for her, but no matter what; the closest I got to the insides of her thighs was an occasional soft rub, a rub that was always, I mean always, greeted with a slap.

Finally, after about seven months we had it out. I got her in the car, pulled her on my lap and laid her out. I said, "Look Nancy, we've been dating for more than half a year. You know I love you. You know I want to marry you, so what's the problem?"

She glared at me and answered, "Court I love you too. I've never loved anybody like I love you. Heck Court I never even hardly dated anybody before I met you, but Court a girl only has one cherry. I believe you when you say you want to marry me, but like they say, 'if you want the milk, you're going to have to pay for it'."

That really pissed me off. I was Courtney Helm. Girls never said no to me. I always got what I wanted. I started the car, my Firebird, slipped it in gear and peeled out. We drove straight to the nicest jewelry shop in the area. It was in a mall. I pulled in, got out, helped her out of her side, and half carried half dragged her inside the mall to the jewelry shop. I walked her straight to where the diamond solitaires were and said, "Choose the one you want."

She looked up at me, tears in her big beautiful green eyes and said, "No, not like this. Take me home. You pick one and then ask me properly."

Well she had me. I took her home, dropped her off, went back to the mall, selected a one Karat diamond, went back, got her back out of her apartment, and drove her to her parents. I walked her to her parent's door. I rang the bell. Her mom answered. I walked her in. We went straight to her parent's living room. I pushed her down on her parent's sofa, got out the ring, got on one knee and asked, "Nancy Allyson McCormley. Will you marry me?"

She smiled, held out her hand and said, "You put it on."

I did, and that was that. Four months later I married her. I married the titless wonder. I was a Methodist, she was a Catholic; we ended up having a big Catholic wedding. We spent four days at the beach. I had to get back to my classes. Tenth months later Amy, our oldest, showed up, and it's been an unbelievable ride ever since.

++++++++++ Back to the here and now ++++++++++

I got to the neighborhood and pulled into our cul-de-sac. My wife's car was still in our driveway, and parked right behind it was my brother's car.

My brother is three years younger than I am, and, like me, he's a lawyer but he's working his way to a partnership in one of the smaller, but prestigious, law offices in our area. My 'little brother' is 6'4'. He's got dark brown hair and brown eyes. He's also the muscle man of the family. He makes two of me; a real giant, a physical specimen. He's a real extrovert, and one of the most charismatic men I'd ever known. He's a criminal lawyer. In court they say he's merciless; I hear he always gets his clients off. At home with the family he's the total opposite; at home he's a real family man, loyal to a fault, I mean the best.

Our neighborhood is on the fringe of one of the large satellite cities that girdle the old central city. There are dozens of small offices like where my brother works. They're mostly situated in older homes that have been purchased and renovated as offices. The place where my brother works isn't more than a quarter mile from our home so it's not unusual for him to stop by on his way to or from his office or the courthouse.

I guessed, since he and his wife belonged to the same club, he was there maybe to get or give tips on how to pull the dance together. My brother and his wife have two kids; a short little fellow named Sammy who is in middle school, and a younger blonde girl named Angela. Angela's in the first grade. She's a real pixie.

I parked on the street and got out of my car. I had to stop a moment. I leaned on my car to catch my breath. I really didn't feel well. I got myself together and lumbered up the sidewalk. I say lumbered; that doesn't mean I'm fat. I'm not tall, maybe 6'1", but I'm certainly not fat. I weigh about 165lbs. I'm a jogger and a swimmer. The main reason, heck the only reason I agreed to join the club was because it had a great swimming pool they kept open year round. I mean I don't do golf or paddle ball; I just like to run and swim. That's not completely true; I played lacrosse in high school and in college.

I got to the front door and had to stop again. I rested a second and tried the door. It was locked so I got out my key, fumbled around a little, unlocked the rascal, and went on in. I expected to see my brother and my wife in the kitchen, but they weren't there. I didn't care. I felt so bad I knew I needed to rest. I stumbled to the short set of steps that led upstairs. I climbed them and started down the short hallway to our master bedroom. I needed some rest. I checked my watch; it was 11:15 a.m.

I opened the bedroom door. I saw the curtains were drawn. The room was only dimly lit. I started for the bed. I saw movement. Someone was already in bed under the blankets and sheets. I think I must have stumbled or something because just then two heads peered up at me. My brother and my wife were in my bed – they were there together!

I was overwhelmed. I know I must have sighed. I remember half saying, maybe half whispering, "Oh no."

Then everything went dark - black. I felt so dizzy. I must have passed out.

++++++++++ First Call ++++++++++

The next thing that happened was that I reawakened. I heard the unmistakable blips and bleeps of hospital machinery. The lights were so bright they hurt my eyes. I knew I was in a hospital. I felt cold. I could feel I was wrapped in one or two of those nearly worthless strips of cotton hospitals call blankets. Well, at least I wasn't dead. I passed out again.

++++++++++ Reality Check ++++++++++

When I reawakened I saw a nurse leaning over me. She was measuring something or checking something. I had no idea what it was. She smiled at me. She whispered, "We nearly lost you. If your wife hadn't found you and acted quickly you wouldn't be here."

I asked the nurse, "Where am I? What happened?"

She kept smiling. She was really pretty. She answered, "You're at County General in our surgical step down unit. You had a heart attack; a pretty bad one. You're lucky. Thanks to your wife the paramedics got to you in time. They kept you going until they got you got here. For a while I bet you had half the surgical staff working on you. I bet half the county's outside worrying about you. I'll tell them you've awakened, but I want you to go back to sleep for now. If it's all right I'll let your wife in for just a moment."

I felt really groggy. The nurse must have given me something. I told her, "No don't. I don't want to see anybody right now."

She kept smiling but her look had some concern to it as well, "Not even a second for your wife?"

I was almost gone, "No, not now..."

++++++++++ Back among the Living ++++++++++

I wakened again, for a third time. There was a man; I presumed a doctor standing nearby. He was talking to my wife. Another, a different nurse was standing close to me. She looked over at the man and my wife and said, "Doctor. He's waking up."

The doctor, I knew it was a doctor thanks to the nurse's comment, came over and looked at me. He gave me one of those perfunctory smiles doctors are good at. Then he said, "Welcome back."

My wife was standing right behind him. She had one of those 'oh I've been so worried' looks about her. I glanced from her to the doctor, "What happened?"

He answered, "It looks like you went home early. You had a heart attack. Your wife found you on the floor and called 911. When the paramedics arrived you were clinically dead, but they managed to revive you. If your wife hadn't come home when she did and had the prescience to call 911 you'd be dead now. Your wife saved your life."

I looked at my wife again; then back at the doctor, "I had surgery?"

He replied, "You had a quadruple bi-pass. It was touch and go for a while, but we got you out."

I asked, "You were the doctor?"

"Yes, me and several others."

"What day is it?"

"It's Friday. You've been here since Tuesday."

I looked over at my wife. I was still pretty much out of it, but I remembered what I saw. I gave her one of my 'office smiles' and murmured in her general direction, "Thanks." Then I asked, "Where are my girls?"

My wife came over. She put her hand on my forearm. I didn't move away or flinch back, but I didn't go out of my way to show her any affection. Only three people knew the truth, and I knew I was just too damn weak to deal with anything. I said, "I want to see my girls."

I could see my wife was on the verge of tears, and I didn't know exactly why. I wondered was she tearfully happy about my survival? Was she tearful that I hadn't gone ahead and died and removed myself from her life? Or was she near tears because she was afraid I was about to tell everyone the truth?

She whispered, "I'll go get them."

I lay quietly and waited for my girls. Gosh, it was cold. I tried to move a little and could feel the tightness in my chest where they'd opened me up. I guessed I'd gotten the zipper. From friends I knew that would hurt like a bitch. I also knew my legs would hurt too; that's where they got the veins. The doctor was gone, but the nurse was right beside me.

My wife led my three girls in the room. I smiled. What a relief! My girls! I looked at my wife, "You can leave. I want to be with my babies."

Amy, my oldest, looked at me, "Daddy, that's mom. She found you. She saved your life."

I put my hand out to her, "I know, but it's you three I want to see." I watched as my wife retreated from the room. She was really crying now. Well good for her I thought.

I looked from Amy to Melanie to Vonda. I smiled and whispered, "My girls. You guys all right?"

Vonda got as close as the nurse would allow, "Oh Daddy."

Melanie looked angry. She was her mother's daughter.

Amy held my hand, "Daddy we were so scared. We thought we lost you..." She stopped talking. She started sniffling.

I replied, "Close call I guess."

Amy erupted in tears, "Daddy!"

I looked at them. All three were crying. Even Melanie's thin shield had cracked. I did my best to hold up my arms, "Kisses."

My girls all leaned forward and kissed me. I wanted to cry then. In fact I did. I gave them a feeble wave. "OK, out." I held Amy back, "Is my brother. Is my brother Frank outside."