After our third kid, our sex life, and consequently our relationship, began to go downhill. It started with me losing interest in sex from fatigue and continued through some financial struggles and other issues. This went on for several years and was a continuing spiral for us. I knew my husband, Mark, wanted to have sex, but I was not feeling close to him and either from hormone issues (I had my tubes tied) or something else, I did not have the desire.
I don't know why I checked out his computer one day. I guess I fully expected to find some sort of porn in his internet history. After all, he had to turn to something. I can't tell you how many times I turned him down or didn't do the things he liked. I used to go down on him just because a certain song was on the radio. Now when I go down on him I feel like I am being subservient to him. It is demeaning. He would go down on me any time, but I didn't want that β not at all. I had turned him down a lot, only to end up using my vibrator a short time later. I knew that he was aware; he even called me out on it sometimes. Plus, I hadn't been entirely honest in our relationship. I had secretly met an old boyfriend out of town a couple times. Not that we did anything, but in my husband's eyes we had. I guess that was one of the reasons why I didn't feel close to him. How could I be with someone who didn't trust me?
So, one day he left for work and happened to leave his laptop at home. I was curious. I wanted to know what he was doing when he was on line. I know a lot of stuff was work stuff, but I wanted to know. Fortunately, the password to his screensaver was one he used for his email. So, there I was, snooping on his history. It wasn't a surprise when I saw some porn sites, that didn't shock me at all. What shocked me was that he had been searching for divorce attorneys. Here we were with three kids and he was looking to get divorced? He had looked for a lot, specifically attorneys that helped men and custody rights. He also had searched for child support calculators in our state. What the hell? Was he serious about this? I mean, I guess I was happy he wasn't on Ashley Madison or something, but this hit me like Arizona heat coming from the air conditioning. I felt a rush of heat and got light-headed.
At first, I was a total bitch to him. I didn't tell him why I was upset. I didn't tell him I knew. Was he really being that pissy because we weren't having sex enough or because I wasn't giving him enough blow jobs? Was he really that shallow? Over the next several weeks I started to evaluate just how much things had changed in our sex life. Outfits I would wear; things I would do. I even did anal sex several times when we were dating and first married. We went to strip joints together. But, that was all demeaning to me. Why should I go to a strip joint so he can gawk at other women?
So, each day I started to get more and more nosey β while at the same time fearing that one day I would get "served" with papers. The fascinating thing was his porn history. He had a lot of searches for blow jobs β specifically "swallow" searches. I guess that makes sense, he always loved blow jobs and he always loved for me to swallow. I always thought that was stupid, but I would choke it down. He had other interests, too. Anal sites? Check. Gangbangs? I found that odd, but check. What was interesting is that despite a LOT of searches for variety, he seemed to come back to some of the same women = specifically amateur sites and one woman bringing home another woman to suck off or fuck her husband. Real three way stuff, but it seemed almost amateur in nature.
It got me thinking about a conversation we had long ago β an agreement, really. He didn't want a third kid but I offered him a threesome if we had our third. Like a lot of other stuff, I dropped the subject because it was degrading to me. Why did I need to do that for our child? I loved our son and would have it no other way. To his credit, he never brought it up. Oh, maybe once or twice while he was drinking, but really never said anything about it. To be honest, when we first started talking about it the sex was hot. I was not at all interested in going down on a woman β I hate the idea of tasting my own pussy, let alone another woman's. I did like the idea of a woman kissing me, though. One time when we were at the strip club a fairly normal looking β but attractive β stripper made out with me. I was turned on and so was my husband. Something about kissing a woman was arousing. Maybe it was her gentle touch or her soft lips. It was about that time that I made the offer β almost 8 years ago.
So, I continued to search his history. I would even sneak down at night to do it. I never saw the lawyer searches, so I was feeling better and better. This made me feel a little stronger and got me out of my shell a little in bed. Still, I was worried. He had been losing weight and working out a lot more. While he was down to the weight he was when I married him, I had put on (and kept on) about 50 lbs since I first starting having kids. It is one reason why I didn't like lingerie. What I did notice is that women were flirting with him a lot more, and while he wasn't encouraging it, he was being playful with them when they did. It was like he had this air of confidence in him and the bitches in heat could sense it. One day we were out with friends and one of my lady friends said something to me in the bathroom. While she didn't really come out and say, "I want to fuck your husband," it was quite clear that she found him attractive. She was recently single and was talking about some of the mistakes she made in neglecting her husband. In fact, she was the one who said to me, "I'm married now, I don't need to give blow jobs." Turns out, she wished she had. That night, I gave him an unsolicited blowjob. I am not sure why I wanted to do it, almost like I was marking my territory or something. What was amazing was how giddy he was the next day.
So, that is what it was? He was happy when he was getting some? Something about that night made me pick up the pace a little and we were having sex a little more regularly β but only maybe once per week. I could tell that as the week wore on he would be short with me, but after sex he was nicer. Still, I continued to search his history and now I was invading his emails. It seems his 40th birthday was coming up and some of his friends wanted to take him out. They were pretty specific. They wanted to take him to a strip club where I knew for a fact the girls were rather aggressive. I wasn't too pleased with this because a few years earlier I let him know that I was no longer comfortable with him going to strip clubs and I was annoyed that he wasn't mentioning this to me. So here I was, a jealous wife, searching his history and not doing a lot of the things he wanted sexually. I was losing him and it was my own fault. He was a good father, a good provider, good looking and a decent man. So one day, I did it. I started to make plans to give him a birthday present he wouldn't forget. I want wanted to fulfill the agreement we made about a threesome.
Now, some women will say that I caved to his perverted preferences. I will admit, it was a bit demeaning to think about it, but it was also a bit of a turn on. I hadn't orgasmed regularly since I had my tubes tied β one of the reasons I wasn't interested in sex, it was too frustrating. When I first decided to do this, I masturbated that night. It wasn't thinking about going down on a woman that did it, it was simply the thought of being kissed softly and passionately that took me over the top. Probably the best orgasm I had in years. When I was done, though, I thought about the other things β specifically what he would be doing. Of course, therein lies the problem. I was jealous, and the thought of him putting his dick in another woman made me even more so.
A few days later I was alone again as he was out playing basketball with some friends. The thought started to slip into my mind again. I had a couple glasses of wine and started to search the adult dating boards. I thought about a friend, but I didn't want it to be with someone he would see again. Plus, how could I look my friend in the eyes knowing they had fucked my husband. While I knew some were bisexual, I didn't want to do it. From his porn history, though, I had my search in mind. He had always wanted me to die my hair blonde (I'm a brunette), but I wouldn't do it. So, if I was going to do it right, it had to be a blonde. She had to be slender. She didn't have to have big tits (I wanted to win out on something), but she did need to be somewhat attractive. Of course, I had to find her attractive, too, but not TOO attractive.