Fire in the Belly

"What is wrong with me?" Melissa Fortney had asked herself the same question everyday for the last several weeks. By all objective standards, she should have been enjoying life: great job, two beautiful kids, a nice home, and a terrific loving husband. She had everything, everything but happiness. The problem was she didn't know what was needed to satisfy her.

She analyzed everything in her life for problems. Her job could pay more. Her kids could stop the occasional squabbling. The home could use some makeover. And her husband could be a better lover. Things weren't perfect, but they never are. She couldn't figure it out. All she knew was that when the family was all together was when she felt almost claustrophobic. She had to get away. "I need some ME time."

How could she tell Howard? She loved the man and didn't want to hurt him. He had never shown her anything but affection, compassion, understanding, and he performed okay in the bedroom. Hopefully he would understand why she needed to have some alone time.

Melissa found a cheap place to rent and signed a month by month contract. She took money from her personal savings account. She didn't want to cause a financial burden on the family. Renting an apartment forced the issue. Melissa had to tell Howard now. She waited until after the kids were put to bed.

"Howard, I need you to support me on something. Before I ask you, please realize that I love you more than ever and the problem is with me, not you or the kids."

"Mel, you know I'll support you. Please tell me what the problem is."

"The problem is, well, I don't know what the problem exactly is." He looked perplexed. She continued. "All I know is that I have to get away for a while and figure it out."

"So, do you want to go visit your parents for a few days?"

"No, I need to get away by myself. Just me."

"Okay, I can take care of the kids by myself for a while. I'll just tell them you've gone to visit an old college friend for a few days."

"It may take me more than a few days. I am really confused and stressed."

"Mel, you're worrying me. If you need to be away from our love and our support for a long time; it's hard for me to believe that we are not part of your problem."

"No, no, please don't think that. It would make me feel even worse than I do now. Please just let me work this out."

"Where will you be staying?"

"I have a room I am renting."

There was an increase in the volume of his voice. "You already have a room? Melissa, you're not asking for help, you're making an announcement." Her slow-to-anger husband was showing a side of his personality she had not seen before.

"No. Please try to understand. I've been thinking about this for a while. By getting a room, I've forced myself to come out and lay things on the table. It's the only thing I could think of."

"You couldn't think of talking to me, your sister, our pastor, or a therapist. This is something you have to do on your own?"

"You make it sound worse than it is, but basically that's right."

"I suppose you want a legal separation during this time?"

"Oh my gosh no. I hope to come back and be a happy wife and mother."

"Mel, I promise to support you in your soul searching, but only to a point. I'll let you know, it is hard for me to believe that you don't already have something figured out. That something does not seem to include me and, possibly, our kids."

"Please believe me that's not the case. You are a wonderful husband and I love the kids to death. I just have no idea what I need at this time. Please don't give up on me. Give me the time I need."

"I will give you some time. This is a shock to me, so I have no idea how long I can wait until you come to your senses. That's the best I can do."

"Thank you, Howard. I hope it won't take long. I love you and the kids so much."

"Speaking of the kids, when and what are you going to tell them?"

"I'll tell them as close to the truth as possible while trying not to upset them. Tomorrow after school. They'll have the weekend to absorb what I have to say."

"Mel, there's no way it will not hurt them. There is no way it will not hurt me. I hope more than anything that it helps you and doesn't hurt you. You're taking a big risk."

"Howard, please don't . . . ." She was speaking to the back of the disappearing figure of her husband. Crying followed.

Friday after school, Howard and Melissa gathered the kids for a family conference. Their 12 and 10 year-old children seemed excited. This type of family meeting usually was to announce vacation plans. They were hoping for Disney World and Sea World. Howard spoke first, "Kids, your mother has something to tell you."

Melissa had a speech prepared: "Bryan, Augusta, you know that I love you very much. I have worked hard at being a good employee at my job, being a good wife to your father and being a good mother to you two." The excited looks on the kids faces turned to sadness quickly.

"After all that hard work over many years, I decided that I need some time away to refresh myself. I'm not sure how long I will need. Your father will still be here and, for a while, be both mother and father to you. I expect you to be of more help while I am gone. Once I return, I will be an even better mother than before." She smiled and hoped she had done well.

Augusta responded first. "I promise not to annoy Bryan again Mom. Please don't go." Tears were flowing.

Bryan immediately followed. "And I promise not to hide her dolls any more. I'm sorry. Don't go."

Melissa knew right away she had been too optimistic with her prediction on how the kids would react. She went into damage control. "Bryan, Augusta, it's not your fault. It's no one's fault. It's just something I have to do for myself. I promise I'll be back."

"When?" Bryan asked.

"I . . . I don't know."

"You don't want us or daddy any more. Just like Julie's father. You're leaving us forever."

They both ran crying to their rooms. Melissa got up to follow them, but Howard restrained her. "It would probably be best if you left now."

"But I can't go with them thinking that they are at fault."

"They'll think that no matter what you say. It's natural."

"Do you think I believe that you're at fault?"

"To some extent, yes. There must be some way I am not adequate as a husband or you would have come to me earlier. You say I'm not at fault, but I think you're kidding yourself. This is not what you do to someone that you love. Now go."

Melissa left in tears and stayed that way on the drive to her apartment and for many hours later. After a quick run to the liquor store, she got drunk. Something she had never done before. The next morning, she realized why it had been a bad idea to drink too much. Saturday and a pot of coffee were devoted to criticizing how she had handled the talk with her kids. For a second, she admonished Howard for not doing more to help her but came to the conclusion it was mostly on her.

Melissa had forgotten what is was to be alone. Most every minute she had spent the last 13 years had been in contact with or doing things for either her husband or kids or both. Now it was just her. She thought she should feel relieved, but she just felt anxious like there was something she needed to be doing but couldn't remember what it was. Giving in to her motherly instincts she called home.

"Howard? I just wanted to check and see how the kids were? Are you getting them ready for church?"

"We spent a lot of time talking after you left. They didn't understand why you had to leave. Frankly, I don't either. I couldn't even distract them by going to the go cart track and miniature golf yesterday. We were up talking so late last night, I cancelled going to church today. Plus, I wasn't ready to tell people why you weren't with us."

"Yes, I guess that makes sense. I'm sorry to be causing you and the kids so many problems. Can I talk to the children?"

"No. I don't think that would be a good idea yet. I'll let you know when."

"How are you doing, dear?"

"I don't know. This is an experience that I never imagined having. I've racked my brain wondering what I could have done differently, better."

"Howard, please don't do that. It's me with the problem. Let me work it out and I'll make it up to you and the kids."

"Right now, it hurts too much to talk to you. It might be best if you don't contact us again for a week or so. You asked for time. Now you've got it. Use it wisely."

Howard did not end with a 'love you' and not even a 'good bye.' Based on the way she was feeling, Melissa thought the phone call had been a mistake. "I'll let things settle for a while before calling again."

Trying to find out where she needed fixing was not easy. First, she looked at her job. She was a sales person in the jewelry and fragrance section of the local Macy's. Melissa went to her supervisor. She said that she felt like she needed a change. She asked if there were other positions she might be considered for. Her supervisor said that Melissa needed to increase her sales where she was before any change would be considered. "Frankly, your sales lately has been below par. I was about to talk to you and warn you. If you think you are worth more, prove it."

Melissa was shocked. She had no idea how much her doldrums had affected her work. At one time, Melissa was the top salesperson. She literally looked herself in the mirror and was not pleased with what she saw. She did not have the appearance of someone people would want to buy jewelry or cologne from. That afternoon she went to the beauty salon in the store and got a makeover. Next, she bought a new dress and accessories. The difference in appearance helped create an improvement in attitude behind the counter. Her sales increased dramatically.

With the ego boost she got from her job performance and the surprising rise in attention from men customers and employees, she next wondered if part of her problem was what she was getting, or rather wasn't getting, from her husband in the bedroom. Making love with him had always been 'nice' but mostly predictable, at least since the early years of their marriage. She decided to see how attractive other men perceived her. One of the other female employees at Macy's and Melissa went out to a local bar and dance hall. She and her friend immediately became items of interest to the men gathered. They danced a lot and pressed bodies a lot. Melissa got offers for more but turned them down -- that night.

After going back home, her opinion of herself as a desirable woman was at an all- time high. Melissa convinced herself that it might be a good thing to try sex with another man. She had not had much experience with other men before Howard. On one hand she didn't like the idea of cheating on her husband, but she wondered if she was in reality separated from her spouse. Howard was, after all, the one who brought up the idea of a separation anyway. She rationalized that she was taking him up on his offer, after the fact. It could be the key to her finding herself.

This time she went to the dance hall by herself. Melissa had one purpose -- find a lover. After pressing bodies with several guys and drinking enough courage, she decided on the one whose bulge felt the biggest. She had always wondered if bigger was better. After chugging a few shots, she danced with the big man again. Not wanting to waste time, Melissa was blunt, "Want to get us a hotel room?"

The guy was a little surprised but believed his large penis had helped him win another needy woman. They left for a hotel room right away. Once in the room, Melissa didn't want to give herself the chance to think about what she was doing. She took her clothes off quickly and lay in the bed with open legs. "No foreplay. Just fuck me big boy."

He was bigger than Howard and perfectly willing to fulfill her request. His dick was hard and was not gentle in putting it inside her. Melissa's body was not ready. She was not sufficiently wet, and she had never had her lower lips stretched so far before. It hurt from the very beginning. Before he had made one full thrust, the pain woke up her moral sense.

"Get off! Now!" She started kicking and hitting.

"Oh, you like to pretend you're being raped. I have not problem with that." He tried reentry.

"RAPE! RAPE!"

"Shut up bitch. You'll get us both in trouble."

"I told you to get off, now do it. RAPE! RAPE!"

"All right. Fine. Geez, why do I always get the crazy bitches?" He put his clothes on and left.

Melissa sat on the bed and cried. "How could I be so stupid? Howard may not be exciting, but he is loving and gentle. And we are not legally separated. Slowly she got dressed and went to her apartment. She did not think she would be tempted to date again but felt good in knowing she still could generate a man's interest.

Next on her list were her children. Although she bore her children, breast fed them, and did all the parenting things along with her husband; she felt she might not have kept up with their lives as much as she should. Melissa realized she had not paid them enough attention lately. She had trouble identifying in her head all her children's current friends, what activities they liked to do, and what they liked/disliked about school. It was time to call. Caught up with work and dating, she had gone several weeks without contact.

"Fortney residence. How may I help you?" The voice was that of a female much older than Augusta.

Melissa asked, "Who are you? This is Mrs. Fortney."

"Oh hello, Melissa. This is Lauren Peterson, your neighbor. Let me call the kids to the phone. I know they've been anxious to talk to you. Kids, your mother is on the phone." The sounding of running feet could be heard.

"Let me switch to speaker so they both can talk at the same time."

"Thanks."

The excited voices yelled in unison, "Mommy, mommy when are you coming home?"

"I don't think it will be too much longer. I have missed you terribly. How are you two doing?"

In the process of catching up, Melissa surmised that the family had gotten along well without her. Maybe too well. Melissa asked. "I don't remember a Mrs. Peterson in the neighborhood. Tell me about her."

Bryan spoke, "She moved into our neighborhood right after you left. She is way old, even older than you or dad. Her husband is a helicopter mechanic and works in Arabia, you know, like Aladdin. They have two kids in college. She's real nice."

"So, she's babysitting?"

"Mom, we're too old for a babysitter. Dad tried his best to take care of us by himself, but he needed help, especially when he had to go away on business. She's like an extra mother. Mommy Lauren cooks for us, she's a really good cook, she cleans and all kinds of stuff."

"Mommy Lauren? She doesn't work?"

"No. She says her husband makes so much money, she doesn't have to work. Dad pays her, but she said she enjoys being a wife and mother again."

"Wife and mother? What all does she do for your dad?" Jealousy was building quickly in Melissa.

"I don't know. I guess all the things you did Mom."

"Does she stay over on the nights your dad is home?"

"I don't know. She's still here when we go to bed and she gets us up for breakfast the next morning. I guess she stays over but her house isn't far away."

Melissa was scared to ask the next question, but she had to know. "What bedroom does she use when your Dad is gone, and she stays over?"

"She uses the guest bedroom. Dad says the big bedroom is just for you."

Melissa breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe it wasn't as bad as she thought. She couldn't believe how hard her heart was pounding. "Is your Dad there?"

"No. He's at Lowe's. The water filter went out and he's buying a new one. Mommy, did you find what you're looking for? When are you coming home?"

"I think I found what I needed sweetheart. Soon, I promise. Let me speak to 'Mommy Lauren' please."

"Hi Melissa. Howard will be sorry he wasn't here to take your call. Should I have him call you when he gets in?"

"No. I'll call him back another time. I understand you've been like a mommy to the kids."

"Oh, that. They are such precious kids. I can't wait for grandkids myself. I tried to prevent them from calling me 'Mommy Lauren' but Howard said to let them if I was comfortable with it. I love hearing 'Mommy' again so much, I agreed. I hope that doesn't bother you."

"No. I guess you have been their mommy for a little while." Melissa couldn't resist, "They say you've been like a 'wife' to Howard too."

After a pause, "You are upset. I certainly don't mean any harm to your marriage. I guess you better wait and talk to Howard. He'll be back soon."

Dred, pain, anger all struck deep into Melissa's heart. She thought, "That son-of-a-bitch has been cheating on me."

Thirty minutes later, Howard called Melissa. "I understand you decided you want to talk to me. What can I do for you?"

"Tell me what's the hell going on? I leave for a few days and you replace me with the kids and in the bedroom. You bastard."

"It's a pleasure to talk to you too Melissa. First of all, you've been gone for more than a few days. I told you I would support you for only so long. Well 'so long' came and left. I don't think it's any of your business what I had to do to make up for all the things you did when you were the lady of the house."

"So, you're not denying you've been sleeping with that Lauren woman?"

"I'm not confirming or denying anything. I'm just saying you don't have the right to know."

"The hell I don't. I'm still your wife and their mother."

"Legally you are, but in reality, no, you're not. A wife and mother lives in the house with her family. Are you saying you want to move back and become a wife and mother again.?"

"Yes, unless you've already replaced me. And for the record, I never stopped being the wife and mother."

"You could have fooled me. I guess no one could take the place of someone like YOU, but it hasn't been nearly as bad as I feared. We learned to manage without you."

"Howard, you are a cheater, an asshole, a bastard . . . . Listen, I'll be back this weekend. You better throw Lauren's ass out before I get there. Then you've got some explaining to do."

"No, you're not coming back this weekend. At least not yet. You will be receiving a restraining order at work tomorrow. You are not to set foot in this house until we have a chance to talk with a counselor. You're not the only one who's had time to think about ourselves and our family. I think we both need help if there is a way for us to become a family again. Please call Dr. Greene at the Counseling Center and set the day and time convenient for you."

The emotions of 'mad' and 'sad' fought for Melissa's attention. She never dreamed Howard might find a substitute for her, but he was wanting them to go to counseling. That had to be seen as a positive. Howard was willing to talk about being a family again. She realized that since she had started all this by leaving, going to a counselor was reasonable on his part. A counselor should help Howard understand he should welcome her back to her rightful place.

They met with Dr. Greene. Melissa was eager to speak. "I want to address the issue that's troubling me the most -- Howard's infidelity with that Peterson woman. Unless that is answered to my satisfaction, it will be difficult for me to see what my goal will be from this counseling. I want to know: 'Does he love her and not me anymore?'" Melissa had imagined Howard would start groveling at this frontal assault on his adulterous behavior.

Dr. Green asked Howard if he wanted to respond. Howard replied calmly. "I needed a babysitter one night and Lauren volunteered. The kids seemed to really like her. She and I stayed up, had some coffee, and talked. Well, I unloaded, and she listened. She consoled me and offered her help in any way. Gradually, she started doing more and more around the house. She seemed to enjoy helping and, as I said, the kids always seemed happy to see her. Having her around has been of great benefit, especially since I had trouble coping when the kids started blaming ME for their mother leaving."