Fifty First Way

Thanks for reading my entry in the "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover' event. It was fun to consider Paul Simon's song and play off of it. I hope you enjoy.

For those not from the Philadelphia area, there are two words you may not recognize. A 'hoagie' in other areas of the world could be a sub, a zep, or just a big-assed sandwich on a long roll. Scrapple is a loaf made of corn meal, pork, and various spices. It's sliced and pan-fried. It was a breakfast-food creation by the Pennsylvania Dutch to utilize the scraps of pork left over from the butchering process. And for those of you now saying 'yuck' in your brains, just realize the same scraps are used in making hotdogs.

Special thanks to NoraFares and Bebop for organizing this event. They are two of the most talented writers I've had the pleasure of reading, and it's my honor to call them friends.

©BarryJames1952

April, 2020

*****

Fifty-First Way

Sandy, one of the bartenders in Pete's Pub, noticed Jake Moore as soon as he entered the bar. Jake was a regular, usually coming in three or four times a week. She had grown to consider him a close friend and always admired his constant state of happiness, so it was easy for her to see something was wrong today.

"Hi Jake. You look like you lost your best friend. Are you okay?"

"Hey, Sandy. I've had better days. I'm in dire need of a beer."

"Coming right up."

Sandy rushed off fetch his brew just as a 'bar friend' arrived and sat next to him.

"Jake, how's it hanging?"

"Oh, hey George. It's draggin' on the ground a bit today."

"Sorry to hear that."

Sandy returned with a tall Yuengling Lager from the tap.

"Here ya go, Jake. Now spill. What's going on?"

"I don't want to trouble you Sandy."

"Uh...Jake! Bartender? Listening is what we do."

Jake couldn't help but smile. Sandy and he have become friends from his frequent visits to the pub. It didn't hurt that she was absolutely gorgeous, but he really valued her friendship because she was also a wonderful, caring person.

"Are you sure?"

"Come on, Jake. We've become pretty good friends. Plus, you're a great guy and my favorite customer. Maybe I can help."

George feigned being offended. "I thought I was your favorite patron!"

"You are sweetie... when Jake isn't here."

Their banter made Jake smile a little, but he needed to unload his cares. He had actually hoped Sandy would be here to help him feel better.

"Jake, what happened? I can see it weighing on you."

"I'm not sure where to begin."

"Just let it flow. You don't need to filter it for me." She put her hand over his for comfort, and Jake welcomed the warmth that filled him from her touch.

"Well, my wife, Amber... you know her."

"Yeah."

"She had a meeting tonight at the school where she teaches. She said she wouldn't have time for any dinner, so I figured I'd get a hoagie and run it over to her so she had something to eat."

"You're a good husband, Jake."

"Unfortunately, when I was just outside of her office, I saw her mouth was already full with the cock of one of her coworkers."

"Oh, no! Oh, my God, Jake. I'm so sorry."

"Man, that sucks," George added.

"I kinda fell back against the wall just out of sight and heard her beg Tony to stick his big thing in her. I peeked around the corner and snapped a few pics for proof, and then left and came here."

"Oh, Jake. I'm so sorry." Sandy came around the bar and embraced Jake as she sat in the stool next to him. Her comfort caused his first few tears to fall. "Are you gonna be okay?"

"I don't know what to do. I'm feeling lost right now, but I figured a few hours and a lot of beer should help me pull it together."

"I'm only on duty a few more minutes then let me sit with you, okay?"

"I'd like that. Thanks, Sandy."

She left to go fill the drinks for a group of six guys at the pool table, and another dozen or so male and female coworkers that came for an after-work drink or two.

George hated to deal with crap like this, but he had a similar experience and felt led to help his bar room friend.

"What do you think you'll do, man?"

"I don't know. I mean, Amber and I have been best friends since the third grade. She's been everything to me, and I just don't know why she'd do this. And, like an idiot, I didn't have a clue this was going on. I never in a million years thought she would be capable of disrespecting me like this. I don't know. I just don't know."

"Do you think you'll try to patch it up?"

"I'll never get that image or those words outta my head. I gave her absolute trust and loyalty, and she just shit all over it. Nah, I don't think I can get past this."

"Well if you need a lawyer, I'll give you the name of the one my former wife used. She made mincemeat out of me and my lawyer."

The bar was filling up with more patrons. The large after-work group was getting rather loud, and decided to start the jukebox up so some of them could dance.

Sandy finished her shift and made a beeline to her friend who needed her.

"Okay Jake, I'm clocked out. Why don't we go grab that table? It'll be more comfortable."

"Sure. Sounds good."

Not wanting to leave George out, she turned to address him. "You wanna join us?"

"Just for a few minutes. I'm supposed to pick the kids up from band rehearsal 'cause my ex-bitch has Pilates or something."

The small round table seated four, and Sandy sat between Jake and George while leaving the seat across from her vacant.

"I can't believe your wife did this to you. I always liked her when you brought her in with you."

"I'm stunned, too. She been the person closest to me for twenty years, and we've been married for five of those years. How could I not know that she had this side to her?"

"I wonder sometimes if we ever really know other people. I'm curious—did the two of you date other people as teenagers?"

"No. Neither of us ever even thought of having a relationship with someone else. At least, I didn't. I didn't think she did either until today. Shit!"

Jake couldn't hold back a few tears as they trickled down his cheeks. Sandy held his hand.

"Do you know the guy she was... you know...?"

"Yeah. Tony Jackson. They are both in the math department. The jack-off has a beautiful wife and two young kids."

"Are you gonna tell his wife?"

"I haven't had time to think about that. I would want to know, so I probably will."

"Are you sure you want to do that?"

George was hoping to avoid adding to the conversation since it made him relive his own experience, but he had to add to Jake's last thought.

"Jake's right. Leaving things for her to figure it out on her own is more cruel that telling her. I hope you can do it gently, dude."

"I'm sure I can be sensitive to what she's going to go through, but that's way down the list of where my head is at right now."

Sandy now held his hand with both of hers. "Where is your head? What do you think you'll do?"

"Right now, I'm thinking of getting drunk."

"Don't, Jake. I know you think it will dull the pain, but now is not the time. When you go home, whether you want to confront her now or not, you'll want to be clear headed."

"I guess you're right. As far as what I'm going to do, I've gotta kick her outta my life. There's no way I can stay with her. But, shit...I can't..."

Jake lost control as his tears fell more freely. Sandy moved to embrace him and let him use her shoulder.

"It's okay, Jake. You can let it out."

"Sorry. This is embarrassing. I mean, she's not only my wife, but she's been my deepest friend and confidant most of our... oh, shit!"

Some people noticed the scene at their table and it got quieter in the area right around them, but the two larger groups partied on. Then, some unsuspecting partier decided to hit button B24 on the jukebox. Paul Simon's "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover" started to blare through the room as some of the patrons sang along. For Jake, the timing couldn't have been worse. Sandy could feel him get tense with every line of the song boring into him.

'...Just slip out the back, Jack.

Make a new plan, Stan.

No need to be coy, Roy...'

Jake lost his loose grip on his emotions. With his free hand, he pounded that table as Sandy felt the explosion coming and pulled back from him.

Jake started screaming at the top of his lungs.

"What the hell! What the hell! Come on, Paul, give me some help here. Those are about a half dozen lame ways. I need a good suggestion on how to kick her ass out."

The room got quiet except for the jukebox blaring. George decided the room needed an explanation.

"Sorry guys. Jake just discovered his wife cheating and I think the song struck a nerve."

A woman at the next table asked, "Are you sure she's cheating?"

"Yeah. I got pictures and saw it with my own eyes at the school where she works."

Suddenly the room flocked around him in sympathy as they offered their support and good wishes. Jake heard them, but didn't focus on the words they uttered, until one patron voiced an observation.

"Jake's right. I bet there's more than fifty ways and Paul Simon picked some stupid ones."

Someone else chimed in. "I bet we could come up with better ways."

And that's how it started. The whole room started thinking of ways to leave your lover that Paul Simon failed to include.

'I got one. Just take out the trash, Nash.'

'Or, how about: Send her back to her dad, Tad.'

'No. Send her back to her mommy, Tommy.'

'Come on, guys. We can do better than that.'

Sandy started to get upset that all this would hurt her friend, but she looked at Jake and she saw a slight smile start to form.

'Lock her outta the house, Klaus.'

'Make her sign on the line, Kline.'

'No, it's gotta be nastier, like: Make a mess in her bed, Ned.'

The forty or fifty people were on a roll, and Jake could feel his mood improve.

'

You want nasty? Just shit in her shoe, Lou.'

'Trade her in for a brew, Stew.'

'No, I said nasty. Go

piss

in her brew, Stew.'

Sandy took his hand again. "I think you started something. You okay with this?"

'

Toss her in with the pigs, Diggs.'

"Actually... yeah. This is kinda fun. But so far, locking her outta the house and making her sign on the line were the only reasonable ideas."

'Kick her out to the Curb, Herb.'

'Just give her the toss, Ross.'

George looked at the time on his cell phone. "Damn, this is getting' good, but I gotta run. Jake, I've got your number. I'll text you the lawyer's info and I'll call her to warn her you may be in touch."

'

Push her to her new boy, Roy.'

'You can't use Roy. How about Coy?'

'Whatever.'

"Thanks, George. I need to act normal tonight when I get home, but see if the lawyer will see me tomorrow morning. I don't think I can manage acting normal for very long."

'Sell her to the cartel, Mel.'

'Ship her off to a freighter, Tater.'

'Tater?'

'It's a name!'

"You got it, my friend. Call anytime if you want to talk or need something."

"That's really nice, man. Thanks for being here and listening."

'

Go spit in her eye, Cy.'

"That's what friends are for. If you guys think of it, remember some of the better ideas this crowd comes up with. This is awesome."

'

Push her over the cliff, Griff.'

'Switch it. Push her over the griff, Cliff.'

'What the hell does that even mean?'

The crowd was really getting into it, laughing, cheering, or groaning after each idea. Sandy was still keeping a close watch on her friend, but he really looked like the cloud had lifted from him.

'If you're doin' her in, how about:

Make her be a speed bump, Gump.'

'No, make it quick. Shoot her in the head, Ted'

The whole crowd greeted that idea with a resounding 'boo!' Sandy felt the need to reign it in a bit.

"Guys, no dead body stuff, okay? Keep it civilized."

A guy in the back of the room yelled:

'

Ride off on your pony, Tony.'

Sandy yelled back, "I said civilized, not totally lame!"

Jake took hold of her hand. "At least it rhymed."

"Yeah, but a pony?"

'Load her in a U-Haul, Paul'

"Sandy, I... I really appreciate you being here for me. You've become a very important friend to me."

'

Go empty the bank. Hank.'

"And you as well, Jake."

'

Go get all of your money, honey.'

Jake and Sandy embraced a little closer and tighter.

'Close out your credit card, Pard.'

'Pard? What kinda name is Pard?'

'Like in Texas. Short for partner.'

'Make sure she can't charge, Sarge.'

The crowd kept shouting ideas while Jake and Sandy became acutely aware of the bond growing between them. Sandy had always been attracted to Jake, but she knew he was a loyal married man. That status, it appeared, was going to change. And Jake had more than one indecent thought about Sandy in the past, but even more important was that he really admired her as a wonderful friend and as a very desirable woman. With the need to filter and suppress those feelings destroyed by Amber's infidelity, his feelings for Sandy flooded his imagination.

'Go join the Marines... shit, what rhymes with Marines? McQueen?'

"You're not going to join the Marines, are you?"

"Not a chance. Uh, Sandy, is it okay that we hold each other like this, because I really like it."

"More than 'okay.' It feels... right."

'

Hey, he said he has pictures.

Send those pics to the church, uhh... Lurch.'

'And copy her mom, Tom.'

'And to the school board, Ward.'

'Don't forget the jerk's spouse, Klaus.'

"Jake, can you come with me back to the office behind the bar? It'll be a lot quieter."

"Sure."

They walked together holding hands towards the back of the pub. Folks kept offering encouragement and patting Jake on the shoulders until they closed the office door. Sandy leaned on the desk and pulled Jake to her while holding both his hands.

"I have an addition to the fifty ways. Maybe we can call it the fifty-first way to leave your lover."

"Really? What is it?"

"Let 'er meet your new girl, Earl."

"But my name's not..."

Before he could finish his sentence, Sandy revealed the depth of her feelings for him when she softly pressed her lips against his. Their soft, gentle kiss quickly became one of great passion, and Jake could feel the weight of the day disappear. Time seemed to stand still as they both felt the flow of energy and desire pass between them.

Jake hated for their lips to part, but he needed to gather himself.

"Wow. Sandy, that was..."

"Yes, it was. Forgive me if that was way, way too soon after the day you've had. But I've wanted to be in your arms like this since we first met."

"Really?"

"Oh, yeah. I mean, physically I've definitely had the hots for you, but the more I got to know you the more I liked everything about you."

"Wow. I've had the same feelings about you, but I would never cheat on Amber so I couldn't give in to those impulses. That's not a concern now, is it?"

"No. Was that too soon, though, because I couldn't control myself now that it seems the barrier keeping me from you is about to be removed?"

"When I saw Amber with Dick-wad I was obviously shocked and hurt beyond belief. I didn't know what to do or where to go. But the first person that came to mind was you. And now, I mean, shit, I would never have believed it if you told me an hour ago that I would be completely fine. But, here in your arms I feel like Amber did me a favor today. We don't have kids yet, or any big financial concerns, so divorcing her should be simple. What could have been the worst day in my life may just be the best day ever."

In the small office there was hardly any room for more than one person to stand. Sandy and Jake found enough room to make out like sex-starved teenagers. They finally had to take a break to catch their breath.

"I guess I should go home so things look normal. I'll take tomorrow off and get all my ducks in a row. Were you serious about her meeting my new girlfriend as a way to give her the news?

"Absolutely! How about if I go with you tomorrow for moral support and we can plan the 'great reveal' together. Plus, it will give me a chance to taste your lips any time I want to for a whole day."

"Oh, I'd love that."

They made plans for Jake to pick her up as soon as Amber left for work and they would start their day together with breakfast.

Driving home, Jake marveled at how the day had progressed. How could he get over Amber so quickly? Perhaps his subconscious prepared him for her betrayal. He wondered if he picked up on something in Amber, but he couldn't put a finger on anything. And with Sandy, did his same subconscious pick up on how they felt about each other? Was this all coincidence? Was it the universe fixing things and making them the way they should have been?

Questions swirled in his mind, but his mood was fantastic. He already knew he loved Sandy. He was pretty sure she felt the same way. How did two good friends evolve to this so quickly, especially considering the circumstances that brought it all to a head? He decided to answer his own question. 'You know what, Jake? I don't care how. I'm just so damn happy.'

*****

Jake arrived at home and was relieved to see Amber hadn't gotten there first. It was only nine o'clock, but he decided to head off to bed in the guest room. He'd claim to be sick, and that would keep him isolated for the evening.

Amber drove up and noticed Jakes car. She had been seeing Tony for a few weeks, but this was the first time they had sex when she'd normally be home. She was a bit nervous and hoped Jake wouldn't notice. Plus, she really needed a shower.

She walked in and couldn't find her husband.

"Jake? Are you home, Sweetie?"

"Up here, in the guest room."

"Baby, what's wrong?"

"My stomach. Got the shits something awful. Thought I'd crash in here tonight so you don't get it."

"Oh, Baby. Can I get you anything?"

"Nah. I'm good."

"Okay. I guess I'll head off to bed and see you in the morning. Good night."

"Nite."

Jake was glad that she made it easy to stay away from her. He could see from where she stood in the door that she was a mess from her evening's activities. Just then, he heard a text come through and noticed it was from George.

[GeorgeK] Dude. UR set to meet Alice Trumball tomorrow AM at 9. I'll send the address link.

Jake laid back and smiled to himself. After a few minutes his mind started to reflect on the good times with Amber. He knew he'd miss the girl who had been his best friend as long as he could remember. They learned everything about sex together, and relied on each other in good times and bad. He beat the hell out of two guys who picked on her in fourth grade. They comforted each other in times of sorry, and shared the joy of many happy moments.

A few tears trickled down his cheek in mourning for what was now in the past. Then his mind quickly shifted the scene to mental images of Sandy. He reflected on the growth of their friendship. He dwelled on thoughts of her perfect body that seemed about the same height as Amber's five-foot five. Her flowing, darkish blonde hair framed her beautiful face and those captivating dimples. Her smile lit him up every time he saw her. She had a sharp wit, a well-developed grasp on life, and a disposition that made him warm just thinking of her.

He whispered his thoughts to himself. 'Jake, you may have stepped in shit, but your day turned out golden.'

He decided to send off a text of his own.