Feuer Frei

The back door closed with a thump, he didn't say bye; I realised and I rushed to the front door, forgetting for a second it was nailed shut. I fell to my knees and cried infuriated at the obstacle.

I cried for a long time before I pulled myself up and headed back to the kitchen sniffing and wiping the tears and snot from my face with my hands.

"He's only gone to work." I said it out loud trying to reassure myself, before I collapsed in tears again.

I wanted to know, to ask myself why. Why we might be at the end of our marriage. But I had no reason to ask, I knew why and it was all my fault; Yes I could blame Lucy, I wanted to blame Lucy, but in all honesty, I can't.

It was me that listened to her suggestions, no matter how much she coaxed and coerced me, I listened to her; even though I knew I shouldn't; even though I knew it was wrong and most importantly; when Joe said no, I didn't listen to him. He said no so many times, and yet like a fool I only listened to Lucy.

"Nooooooo" I screamed at the top of my voice. "No no no no no." I said, emphasising each no with a thump on the kitchen table.

Knock, Knock

I looked at the back door.

"Mrs Jones I need to speak to you about the other night." A woman's voice.

"Mrs Jones, it's the police, please open the door."

Knock, knock, knock. "Mrs Jones are you alright, please open the door."

I dragged myself off the stool and opened the door. I looked at the uniformed woman in front of me and burst into tears again.

She helped me back to my stool.

"Are you okay, can I call someone for you?" the policewoman asked.

"No there isn't anyone." I sobbed.

"No one?"

"No, not anyone that I can tell, not that I can admit what I did, what I nearly did, the things I caused."

"If you want you can talk to me" said the officer. "Shall I make us a cuppa."

I nodded and she put the kettle on. "Excuse me a mo' and I'll let the station know I am busy for a while, it will stop us being disturbed." I nodded a reply and she stepped outside. She returned just as the kettle boiled. I found I was feeling better just by having some company. She made a pot of tea and brought everything over on a tray.

After pouring the tea she reached out to my hand and covered it.

"It's Deborah isn't it?"

"Debbie, people call me Debbie or Debs." I answered choking out the words"

"Okay Debbie, my name is Sandra, I am supposed to be covering Friday night, but I can see there is much more going on here than just a house invasion and attempted rape, so why don't you start at the beginning."

"It was months ago, I went into the toilet at work to wash my hands. I could hear Lucy, she was in one of the cubicles, No, no not like that, she was talking on the phone to someone." I tried to smile at that, I am sure it was just an ugly grimace. "I, I now know it was Winston" I glanced toward the door leading to the stairs. "Th, the dead man."

Sandra nodded and gave my hand a gentle, reassuring squeeze.

"She was talking about sex, the weekend she had had. It was disgusting the things she said, the things she was talking about, and she was giggling, laughing, talking about other men. I was frozen to the spot, I didn't want to listen b, but I couldn't stop myself."

I poured myself another cup of tea from the pot.

"She finished talking and came out straight away, she saw me and knew I had been listening. I felt so guilty, eavesdropping like that. I thought she would be ashamed, try to explain it away." I sniffed "Instead, she looked me in the eye and asked me if I liked listening to her. S, she ask' asked me if it made me wet."

"I ran out of the room disgusted with her b, but more disgusted with myself. Why, because she was right. I can't explain it. It was disgusting, I was disgusted and yet I was so turned on. I went home shortly afterwards, I pretended to be ill."

"Still holding my hand Sandra spoke softly. "You didn't tell your husband about that did you?"

"No, I should have, would have but the way it made me feel, I just felt too ashamed." I stared into my empty cup, realising that was my first mistake.

"When I got to work the next day Lucy was waiting for me, she wanted to talk to me, explain what I had heard and like a fool I agreed to meet her for lunch. The first thing I said to her was I couldn't believe she was cheating on Brian and she stopped me dead when she told me she wasn't cheating, he not only knew about it but was involved. Excuse me I need the loo." I went up to the bathroom, when I saw myself in the mirror I was shocked. I hadn't done my hair, my eyes were red and my face was filthy with dried tears and snot. I was only wearing a dressing gown. I had a pee, washed and threw on a t shirt and jeans before going back down to my guest.

"I made us a fresh pot, I hope that's ok." said Sandra as I walked in the kitchen. I nodded as I sat. Sandra waited for me to speak.

"After that first day, she had me hooked, I wanted to know more, then she said she wouldn't tell me any more, but she implied it was something big, I begged her to tell me but she said no. The following week at lunch she introduced me to Shaun, I have to admit I found him attractive, of course I now know it was a set up, we seemed to run in to him at least once a week after that. Then a couple of weeks after, on Stacy's hen night, we were all drunk and she told me she might tell me what it was if I told her all our bedroom secrets. I told her straight that was a no no. Joe had made me promise that I would never discuss such things with my girlfriends so she asked whether I had a dirty secret, one that nobody knew about including Joe and like a fucking idiot I told her." I was trembling, why anger, fear I don't know. "She then threatened she would tell Joe about it if I didn't tell her about what me and Joe have gotten up to." I took a drink noticing my tea rippled as I brought it to my mouth, the cup rattled as I put it down. "So again being stupid I told her, every sordid detail, things I know Joe wouldn't want people to know." Tears started falling again as I faced the betrayals of the man I loved, again and again I had betrayed him, why had it not occurred to me before? Why had I let that bitch twist me round her finger?

"Was it really that bad?" Asked Sandra, looking deep into my eyes.

"There was a crossover point, about a month after I started seeing Joe." My head dropped with shame. "I was still seeing my previous boyfriend." I know I was cheating on one of them, but to this day I am not sure which one."

"How could I be so stupid to tell her that?" I said looking at Sandra. I could see she had no idea how to answer me, so I continued my sorry tale.

"She was good to her word though she started telling me about Brian's role, she got me to meet him and he told me how much fun he had, of course now I realise he was just telling me what he had been told to tell me."

"You had not met him before?"asked Sandra.

"Yes, but only in passing, I think Joe knew him better but not close friends."

"Anyway when Lucy and Brian told me all this, she then started telling me how Me and Joe would enjoy it, I said right off Joe wouldn't go for it, but again I let Lucy persuade me that because we had .... err.. done certain things in the bedroom... err, that meant that inside himself that was what he wanted. Oh fuck I was so stupid. She then gave me a website, said if we read the stories it would put the idea into Joe, make him curious, but no, as soon as I showed him the site he went off on one, refused to even talk about it, then instead of listening to Joe, again like a fucking moron I let her talk me into doing a bondage session with him, more extreme than anything we had done before and secretly letting her in to film it. She said it would allow him to see how he responded, how it would help him accept what he really wanted and what he was denying."

"Things are mixed up, around that time I met him, Shaun again one night after work round Lucy's, he kissed me and I let him, I don't know what I was thinking, I just let him I think I even kissed him back, and then before I knew it he had his hand on my breasts, not outside of my clothes but inside my bra. Thank god Brian walked in and disturbed us or I don't know what would have happened. I ran out of there."

I took a deep breath through my nose making a big sniffing sound.

"Why could I have not seen what Joe was saying, how could I have let her talk me into it, I mean at first, as I told you it excited me, but then it became a battle of wits, or should I say one wit and a half wit."

"I've had enough tea, do you want a drink?"

"No thanks I am still on duty, are you really sure you want to drink?"

"I really am not sure of anything just right now apart from I need a stiff drink."

I walked through to the lounge and poured myself a scotch, a very large scotch, I took a drink, put some more in the glass and headed back to the kitchen.

"Where was I, ah yes. So I got Joe trussed up and vulnerable put some headphones on him so he couldn't hear anything I was doing I gagged him then went and let Lucy in and got dressed up so he couldn't be sure it was me. When I got back to him I could see he was not a happy chappy and I spoilt the illusion by taking the headphones off and trying to soothe him. He was having none of it, he couldn't say so as I had him gagged, but he kept struggling, I didn't want to give up, Lucy had me convinced that he really wanted it. I tried to blindfold him but he wouldn't let me, he kept on struggling, even when I gave up with the blindfold I still kept trying to force him to submit and go along with the plan."

I broke down and cried uncontrollably. "Joe, Joe I am so sorry, I was fucking stupid, I'm a stupid bitch. I couldn't ask him for forgiveness, I didn't deserve it, he should beat me to a pulp and then shoot me, and be rid of me, that's what I deserve."

"No no" Sandra's soothing voice, broke through my despair. You made a mistake, that's all."

"No!" I shouted. "I made lots of mistakes, too fucking many, he'll never forgive me and I don't blame him. He'll be as fucking stupid as I was if he does."

I took a large gulp of scotch and shuddered.

"Anyway when I finally let him go he was really angry, he hardly spoke to me for day's." then when we did start speaking and having sex again, I thought we had gotten over it. Our sex life was different, I now know it was again my fault, in trying to make it up to him I was trying to enact out scenes from the stories on that fucking website, he bless him, was just trying to make me happy. So then I let her talk me into tying up Joe again, this time however, she would come in and fuck him so he would have to let me have another man. The thing is I didn't want another man, I really was only considering this because I was stupid enough to believe Lucy when she said Joe wanted it. You know as I sit here and tell you this, I can't believe I was that stupid, how can you, let alone Joe I will never get him to believe me or trust me again. Well I got him naked and strapped down ready and started to wind him up tease him till near to climax then stop I teased him again and again until he was begging me to let him come. Lucy was late she was supposed to have been here and taken over so I took the bull by the horns and asked him again about another person to play with. His erection disappeared in a second and he said nothing to start with. Then he demanded to be set free and used the safe word we had agreed on. I couldn't think straight I know I shout have let him go, after all that is the point of a safe word, but I was frightened, confused I ran downstairs and called Lucy, she had gotten carried away with her lovers and lost track of the time."

"Ohh fuck, she was going to come here and sit on his face, get him to clean her, Oh god Joe I never realised till now." I clasped my hand over my mouth as my stomach spasmed, I just got to the sink." I retched until my stomach was well past empty, the spasms trying to rip my stomach lining from its home. "How was Joe was still here this morning? I don't want to live anymore, I don't think I should be allowed to live anymore." I said between spasms.

I took a drink of water from the tap as I rinsed the sink, thankfully I had only thrown up liquid, I felt a little dizzy so I moved back to the stool, I got seated and took deep breaths to clear my head.

"Are you alright Debs, you look really pale, perhaps we should get you into the other room to lie down."

I could only just hear Sandra over the pounding in my ears I must have said yes as she put her arm around me and half carried me as she walked me through to the lounge. She laid me down on the sofa and sat quietly with me till the room stopped spinning, then she fetched me some more water. I sat up to drink it as I had started to feel better.

"Sorry, some thing just hit me, something almost happened, then, back then when I had him tied. It never occurred to me until now what she had planned. If she had done that I am sure Joe would be in one of your cells now."

"From what you have been telling me I think I can guess, and between you and me I wouldn't blame him." Said Sandra then she asked. "Do you want to continue?"

Did I? I mulled the question over in my head. It was painful, but what had happened was clearer now, and as for the pain, well I deserved it and more for the things I had put Joe through, oh god no! I just remembered what Shaun said at the dinner table."

"Yes I want to continue, think of it as a rehearsal I need to tell Joe all of it and only now telling you have I realised what a bitch I've been. God Joe will never forgive me, I know I said that earlier but with every word I speak it just keeps getting worse." I thought for a bit to work out where I had got to then I continued. "I, I went back upstairs he was screaming Aberystwyth, the safe word again and again, I told him he didn't really mean it and he was telling me to let him go. I was hoping she would come soon I was keeping an ear out for Lucy and instead of coming in the back door as arranged she rang the door bell. I wasn't sure it was her, what if someone had heard him, I left him again and answered the door. I didn't let her in, I am so glad now, es' especially as I now think I know what she had planned." I felt giddy again, I lay back down, taking deep breaths. I went back upstairs and released him. He was so angry, rightfully so I know, but again he started to try and make me see how stupid I had been, was being. He reminded me about our first rules of kinky sex, rule number one we should both be agreeable or it doesn't happen, rule number two no telling anyone about anything that happens in our bedroom. So I confessed that I had broken rule two, jesus I was still convinced I hadn't broken rule number one. Well to say he was pissed off would be putting it mildly and when I said I had only shared it with Lucy he was still angry so I told him he shouldn't worry, they had more to be secretive about than we did. He then demanded to know what?"

I, reached for the water, my glass was empty, Sandra took it from me and filled it without being asked. I took a sip then continued.

"He got really angry when I said I couldn't tell him because Lucy had sworn me to secrecy, in hindsight no wonder he was angry, if I couldn't do that for him why the hell should I do it for anyone else. It took him a while but eventually he dragged it out of me. Oh god I am so ashamed. I then told him what Lucy had told me to say. I said to him that he would do it if he loved and trusted me enough. He still fought me, he said I was his and his alone and if I were to cross that line as he put it, our marriage would be over, even if we stayed together we would then only be fuck buddies. I thought I had him there. He told me the trust would be gone, that it was damaged already. I told him my love for him was so much that nothing could or would affect my faith in him, that I thought we would be together we had a relationship strong enough to last.

"Oohh god." I said as a chill ran down my spine as I remembered those words. "He said, he, he said as coldly as I have ever heard him say anything, he said "Until now so did I." I, I think that's when I first even started to consider I should give up on the idea, but I just couldn't let it drop there could I?"

Sandra said nothing.

"He told me again that I was his and his alone and as soon as I wasn't his alone, I wasn't his at all." I still was about to argue but he told me he had said no and that was to be the end of it and that he had better not find out I had been up to something already." My head dropped with shame. "Because of what had already happened with Shaun, I let it drop. Weeks went by before things started to get back to normal."

Then because of Lucy's insistence I broached the subject again, and again he lost his rag, we had a blazing row he said if I ever did it he would fuck them up, in the heat of the moment pointed out his small stature and I asked what if he was much bigger and stronger than him, unintentionally describing Shaun. Joe stopped arguing and looked at me, that look was awful then he said his last words to me that night, "Is it one of Lucy's sperm donors? He then went to bed, I finished up downstairs and went to bed with him, I pitifully told him I hadn't been unfaithful, I know he heard me, I knew he was awake but he wouldn't speak. His words rattled around my brain all night, Is it one of Lucy's sperm donors. Is it one of Lucy's sperm donors. Is it one of Lucy's sperm donors. He said that and only that, nothing else at all to me the following morning."

"And yet you carried on trying didn't you?"

"Yes, yes" I sobbed "I was totally under Lucy's spell, I spoke to her at work and she asked me to go round after work and we would work out a plan to get him to calm down. Fuck me how stupid could I be?"

"Can I make some more tea?"

"Yes please Sandra, you were right I didn't want alcohol."

As she made the tea I gathered my thoughts. Was that really only last week? I followed Sandra into the kitchen.

"So when I finished work I went round to Lucy's, I hadn't been there long when Shaun turned up, he started flirting with me so I left. I sat outside her house in my car for quite a while, if I am honest, I think I had finally worked out Lucy had been playing me, I just didn't want to admit to myself how gullible I had been, still in denial you know."

"When I got home Joe looked drunk, he smelled bad, smelled of alcohol and sweat. He hadn't changed, he was still in his work clothes. I was shocked, Joe almost never drinks apart from a glass of wine with a meal. The last time I knew he got actually drunk, he was so pliable, open to suggestion and I knew he hadn't had that much. The next day he couldn't remember a thing, I felt relieved, I was sure I could at least get him to be nice to me again, and If I said something I didn't mean to he might not remember. Yes I played into his hands, Mrs gullible swallowed bullshit again, it just shows you how much better he knows me than I do him.

I paused as the memory flashed before my minds eye.

"He looked at me, straight in the eyes. His face was full of disgust and contempt. He spoke, his voice was low but forceful, full of aggression, almost a growl. He asked me again Is it one of Lucy's sperm donors I wanted to fuck. I was angry, I mean I hadn't even got my coat off I demanded to know why he kept asking me that. You haven't told me the truth yet, he said. Then he said I was a cheating slag and he started calling me and Lucy names. Then he said your blonde Adonis what's-his-name, I answered without thinking, I told him Shaun's name. He then flew off the handle, I was confused he was drunk, I should have been in control. Yet he was throwing question after question at me, I was reeling with the barrage he threw at me, everything he said underlined my stupidity, my thoughtlessness and for the implied contempt I had developed for him and our marriage."