If you looked up in the dictionary the words geek or wimp, you would probably see my picture listed. However, if you looked up the words loyal, intelligent, faithful, loving and caring, you'd probably see my picture there also. So, I may not be the most aggressive person on the earth, but you couldn't find a more loyal or carrying friend or companion. That is if you were interested.
You see, my name is Dennis McKinnon and I'm a college math and statistics professor at a major eastern college. I've been here five years and now have tenure with the university, which took a huge load off my mind. To say I'm smart would be an understatement. I graduated college at seventeen and it only took me that long because I was carrying a double major and couldn't keep my eyes off the ladies. It took two years to get my double doctorate and I spent two more years in government research before I decided to get the hell out of there before I blew my brains out. No wonder nothing ever gets done in government, because all I ever did was to buck red tape before finally crying uncle. So when I heard about the opening I jumped at it.
But after three years, I realized that only one percent really cared about what I was teaching, and the other ninety-nine either needed the class for their major or used it as fill so they could be labeled as a full time student and still get their grant money.
My first two years I had visions of grandeur. I was going to turn out dozens of math teachers who would pass my knowledge on to their students and so on. That however didn't last long. When I failed seventy-five percent of my first semester class in my third year they went to the dean. I was tired of grading on a curve that gave people who were getting only fifty percent right an A. I was tired of the cheating, sharing of test questions and the general lack of any enthusiasm by my students; so I drew a line in the sand.
I was called into the dean's office and asked to explain myself.
"Do you think a cheater deserves anything better than an F?" I asked.
"This school has no room for cheaters, but are you trying to tell me
seventy- five percent of your class cheated?"
"No, only fifty percent. The other twenty-five percent got less than fifteen percent right on the test." I showed him where I had given each row a different test but everyone put down the same answers. "I rewrote the test the night before so there would be no copies out there. It was an open book test so I figure they didn't even look at the questions and just copied the answers off what someone had given them." I won and they lost.
However, three of the students I failed were on the football team and had to scramble to fulfill their scholarship requirements not to mention school sports minimums.
My classes became the classes students loved to hate. I gave no quarter anymore and warned them the first day of class.
"You have a choice," I would tell them. "You can either study or fail, there are no other options." I would usually lose about fifty percent of my students by the second week.
This semesters midterm grades were better than they'd been in a long time.
Maybe I'm starting to get to them,
I thought to myself. So I pushed them and to my delight they pushed back and challenged me. By finals time I decided to throw them one more curve, I gave them an essay for a final exam. Everyone just looked at me.
"You can pick one of three topics on the board and write a five hundred word essay describing their functionality and process usage. You have one hour." Most took until the last minute to turn in their papers. It seemed like everyone was smiling and I felt good for the first time in a long time.
It was nine in the morning. I was in my office grading papers when someone walked in.
"Mr. McKinnon, do you have a minute?"
"Sure. Debra isn't it?"
"Yes, I'm Debra,' she said sitting in the chair in front of my desk.
"What can I do for you?"
"I just want to know what kind of moron gives a essay math final? I mean, a multiple choice, or a true and false I can see, but a fucking essay final?"
I was more than taken back so I grabbed my grade book. "Debra, you got a high B on your midterm and," I looked at her final, it was blank. "I don't understand, you didn't write a single word; didn't you understand the question?"
"Dennis isn't it?" I nodded yes. "Dennis, no I didn't understand the question. I never even cracked the book all semester. Hell, I didn't even buy the book."
"I don't understand. Then how did you do so well on the midterm? How did cheat?"
"I didn't cheat, the test was easy." I put my grade book down.
"Let me get this straight. You never looked at the book, you came to every class and didn't understand a thing I said but you scored a high B on the midterm, is that correct? Oh, and you didn't cheat, is that about it?"
"Yeah, that's about it. Now back to my first question, what kind of moron gives a essay final in a math class?"
"Debra!"
"Debby, I like to be called Debby." she told me.
"All right Debby, I think we're about done here. It looks like you'll be getting a D for a final grade."
"Let me propose something if I may. Let's say you throw out my final and instead give me a multiple choice or a true and false test. You can make it as hard as you want and I'll bet you I can get at least a B."
"You all ready told me you don't understand a single thing about what I taught all semester."
"That's right, but if I get a B, I get a final grade of a B, ok?"
"Now, why would I waste my time letting you retake a final test?"
"For starters, since I didn't cheat, you want to know how I got such a good grade on the midterm. Second, if I don't get a B, I will take you to dinner and tell you how I did it. I have only one condition. I need to know the correct answer to the first and next to the last question. You can add two additional questions to the test or count them as wrong answers, I just need to know the correct answers."
I wasn't sure this would be fair to the other students and was about to tell her such when she upped the annie.
"Just to add in a little sweetener, I'll even show you my tits," she said staring at me.
She was hot, not like most girls in my class. And a chance to go to dinner and find out how she cheated would be worth it, not to mention seeing her chest.
"I get to pick the restaurant?"
"Only if you win that is." Pretty but oh so cocky. I think it's time to take her down a peg or two.
"Ok, I'll agree but I'll need to make up a new test; just to make sure every thing is on the up and up."
"Of course," she relied. "Let's say six o'clock tomorrow night in your office?"
"Six o'clock it is. I'll be looking forward to it," I said smiling as she walked out swinging her ass.
I spent two hours making out the two different types of tests. I made them as hard as I could and threw in every trick question I'd ever heard of and invented a few more. Then I put in one more curve. With the exception of the first question being true, all the others were false. And on the multiple-choice test I set up a reverse pattern of B and D and then reverse it twice more. I could taste my free steak now.
When I gave her a choice of the two tests, she threw me a curve.
"Dennis, let's say I take both tests and score a B on both. How about if we wager for a final grade of an A?"
"You want to take both tests?"
"And if I get a B on both, you give me an A."
"Ok, since we're changing the rules, how about if you don't get B's, you take me out to my favorite steak house and I get to see you totally naked?"
"Let's see, an A for a little nudity?" she said pausing for a few seconds. "Ok, you have a deal," she said smiling confident. "Let's get this over with, I've made dinner reservations at Tony's for seven thirty."
I handed her the tests and she sat down.
"I've marked the correct answers on number one and number twenty four. Let's just say those are my gifts to you."
I sat down and went back to grading papers looking up every once in a while to see how she was doing. When she smiled I figured she found my other gifts. I had put in two easy questions on both tests. No use humiliating her totally. I expected to be here until at least eight thirty and was shocked when she said an hour later she was done. She must have given up, the little bitch was mine.
"You threw me for a moment, until I realized you threw in two not one curve on each test. I think I aced them both; does this mean I get to see your boobs? Well enough playing around, I'm hungry and it's time we get a move on if we're going to make our reservations," she said handing me the tests.
I took one look at the tests and grabbed my coat. "Tony's wasn't it?" We had just ordered a bottle of wine and made our selection when I spoke up.
"How?"
"It was your fault I did so well."
"Excuse me? A PhD would have had a hard time with those questions," I replied.
"Oh I tried to read the questions and it was like reading Greek until I found two easy ones. You really are a nice guy aren't you? If you hadn't put in those, we'd be at your restaurant and you be looking at my boobs," she said sipping on her glass of wine.
"I still don't understand how you did it?"
"Let me ask you a question. How long did it take you to make up the test? Two hours?"
"About an hour and a half," I replied.
"Toughest test you ever made?"
"By far."
"I'm flattered. I didn't think my boobs looked good enough to go through that much trouble," Debby said smiling. "Well, let me explain. Most instructors are pretty lazy. They make up a test with a pattern. True, false, true, false or mix it up by doing either two or three in a row. Get my drift. I don't think they do it intentional but that's how it comes out. I may not understand everything, but I'm a whiz at figuring out puzzles and random patterns. I can usually pick it up in the first three questions in multiple choice and two if I can get the first and next to the last in true and false tests. People are predictable whether they know it or not."
"But my tests weren't anything like that," I told her starting to understand how she'd done it.
