Edge Of Disaster

Chess not checkers Idiom for being strategic in planning rather than simple.

Edge of Disaster

Friday

I stood up and looked at Chaz and my mind pulled out of a fog. Damn he was good looking. Damn.... But... I was thinking, "What the fuck and I doing?"

That was the thought as I followed my friends toward the door. Then... I stopped. Little did I know I was on the edge of a divorce, no matter what I did, I was heading for divorce... but the choice was whether my marriage would end in a war or a whimper.

I thought about my life and my marriage. Was I happy? Bleh. My husband, Zach, was an okay husband as far as the bare minimum. He didn't hit me and he wasn't a drunk. He was reliable at his job and his employer provided health insurance that was better for our daughter. As for his time... Zach's free time was pretty much only for Zach.

He ignored me and our daughter. As a wonderful bonus, he had gained sixty pounds since we got married while I was eight pounds above my wedding weight. And I will tell you, that was a lot of work! Eight pounds... pretty good for a thirty-six-year-old who had birthed a daughter. He came home every night from April through October and had two TV's going with baseball games and three more streaming on the monitors of his three-screen gaming computer. Last week, I made his favorite, Chicken Carbonara which he picked up from the kitchen table then headed to his home office to watch the fucking baseball pregame as I ate with our daughter at our kitchen dining table. Our twelve year old daughter, Emily just looked at me and rolled her eyes.

If he wasn't watching five simultaneous baseball games, he was playing Counter Strike shouting in a headphone mounted microphone at his computer, "Kill the fucker! Left! Left! SHIT! They are sneaking up on the left!" And he wonders where our daughter picked up swearing. His language wasn't better as he screamed at baseball players who could not hear his rants.

The NFL season was not much better. He might give me a little time from after the Superbowl until spring training, but that was it. Sex was a two-minute pump and sleep. I know you will read about how all husbands are saints. Mine most certainly wasn't. I would be a saint if I pretended I loved his quick-draw sex. I'm no saint. He put in zero effort and I mirrored him.

I was bored and yeah, he really didn't listen to me when I told him what he was doing that bugged me. After a hundred times telling him explicitly that doing nothing but watching sports and playing games was not a way to keep a wife happy, I gave up. Sue me. I tried a hundred times and no, I did not hint around expecting him to read my mind. I told him exactly what I needed from him.

He ignored me.

Back to the present. I froze then stopped and Brittany asked me, "What is wrong? They are waiting!"

I shook my head, "I can't"

Brittany looked at me, "Of course you can."

Brittany looked at Madison and said, "Ask the guys to wait. I'll talk to her."

Madison left and Brittany tried to talk me into it. Shrug. My stupid wedding vows. Damnit! I meant them, even though Zach made zero effort anymore. Five minutes later, Brittany shook her head, sighed, and said, "Your loss. Chaz is gor-gee-uss and you are going to miss out on him."

Sigh. Chaz really was a stud. Yeah, sex with Chaz would have been a trillion times better than my fat zero-effort husband, but somehow I wouldn't let Chaz touch me, even though I was out of Zach's eyesight safely at the club while my husband watched baseball. Again.

Forsaking all others. I paid half the expenses and he gave me nothing. Why the hell do I give a shit about my vows?

Sigh, "UGH!"

AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!!

I shook my head and Brittany frowned at me then finally gave up and left.

Half an hour later, I arrived home at ten, Zach was in front of the TV watching baseball again. I rolled my eyes with faux shock that he was on his ass watching baseball. Zach looked surprised to see me and asked, "What are you doing home?"

His voice was almost accusatory. I sighed and said, "I live here." I went to the kitchen and made some chamomile tea and a half hour later, headed for bed.

Saturday

The next day, the fecal matter hit the rotating air circulation device. I woke up to my phone on my nightstand pinging more or less constantly. I pulled up my phone and focused on the screen after about the eighth ping. Wait. The forty-eighth ping. Wow, I slept like a rock last night.

Some highlights:

'Where is Will?'

'Will came home at three and he was angry and wouldn't talk to me.'

'Matt gave me divorce papers he printed from a website.'

'He had a private investigator. Accused me of cheating.'

'Lora, was Zach home when you got home?'

'Lora, was Zach home?'

'Lora, Did Zach say anything to you last night?'

'LORA ANSWER!'

Yeah, I'm Lora, and I missed quite a bit of drama last night. I texted them back that Zach was a bit cold, but I got home early and it was just a typical night for me.

Needless to say, things were not looking good for Brittany or Madison. I was trying to work up some sympathy, but if I could resist screwing Chaz, why couldn't they? Perhaps it was a bit of resentment. I was married to a zero-effort walrus while Will was a runner and Matt was a gym rat. Both received more attention from their husbands in a week than I did in a year. If I could keep my legs closed, why couldn't they?

The private investigator part was perplexing then it occurred to me that perhaps one or both of them were already stepping out. Shit. That was why Zach seemed surprised I came home early. He was expecting me to cheat on him. Last night was a trap and I never stepped into it.

I looked at Zach who was rousing as I was reading. He asked with faux innocence, "Anything interesting?"

I rolled my eyes at him, "So that is why you were so snarky last night."

He nodded, "I figured you were off to cheat."

I looked at him, "I have never cheated on you."

He frowned and grumbled, "Maybe, but you surely flirted with the guy."

I nodded, "And I gave him nothing that I could not give him in front of you."

He nodded, "Yeah. Okay. I got the report."

I looked at him sourly, he ignored it when his obnoxious slick shithead boss sent Zach to fetch some files then directly propositioned me at his company Christmas party. Chaz did a pretty convincing and smooth seduction blessedly free of dick pics... unlike his sleazy boss. Yes, I showed Zach the pics after I received them. The hardest part of shooting down his boss was not doing it in a manner that would get Zach fired. The terms 'cocktail weenie' and 'creepy shithead' wandered around my brain, yet I did not voice them so Zach would keep his job.

I let his current snark go. No need to up the volume on this fun little morning conversation.

He paused then looked at me with more than a bit of self-righteousness, "Your slut friends earned a divorce for their little caper. A 25-year-old fitness product salesman from Cincinnati. Really?

I shrugged, "I did nothing wrong."

He grimaced, paused, then said, "Yeah. I know. Your friends sure did. But you were considering it."

I nodded carefully, "Yeah. and you..."

I thought about the big boobed girl at reception he was always talking to. Yeah, I heard about it. It was also hard to miss her eye rolls if I came to his workplace. I stopped and said, "I, too, could list a bunch of things. Let's just drop it."

He looked at me and pushed a bit, "You were going to go with them."

I nodded, "Yeah, but for some stupid reason, I just couldn't follow through with it. I actually replayed my wedding vows to you in my head. I never even let the guy touch me in any way you could object to. At your company Christmas Party, while he had you fetching files, your shithead boss was going for a handful of my boob when I pushed him away. I wanted to slap his smug face and pour his drink on him. You're welcome, by the way. Or I could have slapped him then kneed his balls, but I figured you preferred remaining employed."

He knew I was right, but got angry then sighed explosively and admitted, "Well. The net result is you did not cheat."

I thought, "No shit Sherlock. It's been forever since I had my bell rung and I'm pretty damn sure Chaz could have done it more than once." I said nothing out loud.

There was this tense silence then he chuckled a bit then faux grumbled, "Thanks. It kinda makes things, I dunno. easier."

He lowered the volume level so I did too and asked, "Where do we go from here?"

He thought for a second and said, "It's just not working anymore."

I nodded, "I could list a lot of things... I imagine you could come up with your own list."

He stood up, rubbed his temples then said, "I just need to leave for a few hours. I won't do anything stupid."

I nodded and he grabbed his keys and then left.

He came back two hours later and said, "I went to Bennigans Sports Bar to watch the game and think. Truce?"

I nodded, "Truce!"

He brought out his phone and showed me a page of divorce laws for our state. It hit me. We were going to divorce and... I was fine with it.

I sighed and said, "It's probably for the best, isn't it?"

He nodded, chuckled a bit, and said, "I had it all planned out. After you cheated, I was going to nuke you publicly. I was going to tell everyone and have your divorce papers served to you at work. I was going to send pictures to your parents. I was going to... eh. Nevermind. Brittany's husband had a private investigator and he was on you the whole time. You fucked up my big plans. Brittany has been cheating for at least a month with a coworker. The guys from last night were a different group."

I was taken aback, "What!?"

He looked at me, reading me then looked surprised, "Shit. You really did not know. I'll be a son of a gun. You really did not know."

I shook my head, "Brittany is closer to Madison. I just tag along to escape." I left out the final word I wanted to add to end that sentence, "you."

He laughed, "All my big plans to fuck you over... and you never knew about Brittany."

I shrugged and said with more than a touch of sarcasm, "I'm sorry for remembering my vows."

He laughed, "Actually, thank you for honoring them. Honestly, I don't want to even try to save this bullshit marriage. I could list a dozen things and you would come back with your own list. Want to just skip the fight and figure out the divorce with the least drama?"

I nodded, "I agree. There is nothing you can do that makes me want to stay married to you."

He stuck his tongue out at me and said, "BITCH!"

I gave him the finger and said, "ASSHOLE!"

We laughed. Honestly, it was the first time in forever I actually smiled at him. The tension. The active palpable dislike at his mere presence... disappeared! My blood pressure dropped and for the first time in forever, I was at peace with the world.

He looked at me and snarked, "Bitch. Wanna go to dinner?"

I snarked right back at him, "Are you paying, asshole?"

He laughed, "Yeah. Asshole will pay."

Our daughter was out with her friends until seven that night and there was no way Zach was going to miss his baseball games. It was early enough to have dinner and get back in time. We went for a pizza and no, not Dominoes. Cavaretti's is a 25-dollar pizza worth every nickel. We calmly sat and figured out how to end our marriage.

Irony for you: The truce became a formal peace treaty literally written on a paper restaurant placemat.

We traded our ridiculous McMansion for two, three bedroom condos on opposite sides of the same condo complex and... It works. Our daughter sees us both pretty much every day... and it just... works. With the tension gone, we both took her out to her birthday dinner. We are even... dare I say it... friendly. As part of our negotiation, I did get him to agree to spend more time with our daughter.

Six months later, we were officially divorced. We shared a barebones lawyer who did little but file the paperwork and show up in court. We worked out our property division. Hell, the biggest fight was over some of the music collection, and in the end, he handed me a two hundred fifty dollar iTunes gift card so I could have them on my phone which worked for me as I am more phone-centric than he is. He liked the CDs and has a big PC for gaming.. Sigh, another thing he spends time ignoring me with. NOT worth the fight.

The judge looked at us and I swear he almost smiled. We were two parents who worked at making the split as reasonable as possible for our daughter. He really liked the fact that we had sold the house and already had our condos which were less than a thousand feet apart. Our daughter could easily walk to either of our places. He went over the child custody portions carefully, but the money basically washed. Actually, I make a bit more than him, but why would we fight over less than a hundred dollars a month?

The funny thing is, my friends' divorces were a year of fighting and hell and mine... was just... boring. Brittany got the worst of it. She got her divorce papers served to her at work and he then sent a singing telegram to sing 'Hound Dog' in front of her coworkers. The judge was not amused. Pro tip: Don't piss off judges. He narrowly escaped actual punishment, but the judge told him to cut it out. Okay, the Hound Dog thing was kinda funny.

Brittany's ex dodged that bullet and she did not lose her job. Revenge is a dish best served cold until you have to pay actual money to enjoy it. Divorce is chess, not checkers.

He posted pics of her walking into the guy's apartment to cheat on her Facebook. He sent the PI report to her parents along with the pictures. She got the works. He fought. She fought back. Ugly, ugly, ugly. Meanwhile, with no marriage expectations screwing things up, I did a few lunches with Zach to go over some things with him about our daughter and dare I say it? Enjoyed them.

Madison's parents found out from her husband and he told more than a few of their friends, but he left her job out of it. Pro tip: Don't fuck with your soon-to-be-ex's employment as it may affect child support or spousal support calculations. Her husband was playing the divorce with strategy.

We worked it out that he pretty much always gets Monday and Friday which are his normal days off and I always get Saturday and Sunday, but with his schedule as the store manager at Higgins Home Emporium, it works as those are his two heaviest work days. I get my daughter more during his big retail season from Black Friday through Christmas Eve and he gets her more during tax season as I am a CPA. We split the other days and agreed to split any extra costs for our daughter halfway and... it just worked.

We both sleep better with the tension in our lives. I don't have to let fatso wallow on top of me, pump for two minutes, and sleep and he does not fuck a dead fish who wants no part of fatso's two-minute walrus wallowing.

So yeah, I got divorced, and life... ain't bad.

*******

A year later, I met Michael, a guy who hates pro sports, but loves hiking like I do, and we get along great. We married a year after we met. Zach met Kathy, a baseball nut, and life went from okay to pretty darn good for both of us! Kathy is a better shot in Counter Strike than he is and he has learned to always be on her team or she will frag his ass every time! Yeah, they married around the time Michael and I did. Neither of us attended the other wedding, but I happily dropped off and picked up our daughter before and after. Zach did the same at my wedding.

The only question is what genie granted Zach the wish to find the one female pro baseball nut who is also a ninja skill Counter Strike player?

I don't do girls' nights because Michael gives me plenty of couple's nights. He sucks at dancing but even indulges me dancing once every couple of months. I'm perfectly good sitting with my guy at a nice bar listening to live music enjoying his company. Early on, I told Michael exactly what I needed from him, and cue shock! He does exactly that. Needless to say, no walrus sex, and yeah, I make sure I keep him nicely drained. Sex is actually enjoyable again. Cue more shock, I know. A little effort to get my motor running and viola! I make sure he gets his because he gives me mine.

I am taking our daughter to England to hike the Southwest Coast Path this coming summer. Two weeks later, my ex-husband is taking her to Florida for a beach week and to hit the theme parks.

This past year, Thanksgiving was at my place. My turkey with my grandma's stuffing rocks! Zach and Kathy were my guests and our daughter had dinner with us both. I went with Michael to Zach's place for Christmas and we were their guests. I even got Zach and Kathy Counter Strike baseball hats. Zach got me and Michael 'The North Face' T-shirts!

Does it annoy me that Zach lost the walrus weight for Kathy, but not me? Yeah. I'm not going to screw up the peace treaty I have over it. I think we do pretty damn good giving our daughter examples of simply being responsible and reasonable adults.

Besides... Kathy is a pretty damn good cook and I am looking forward to Easter because she says her Easter ham is awesome! Given how great her Christmas bacon-wrapped filet mignon was.

I believe her!

My life... ROCKS!