Do Not Pass Go

There is no sex in this story.

DO NOT PASS GO II: Bitter and Sweet

"Keep interrupting me and I'm just going to hang up, Peter. This is just a courtesy call."

One,two,three-four,five-six,seveneightnineten.

There wasn't time for a full ten seconds. Avoiding the sigh was impossible and I knew my ex-wife, Jessica, was enjoying this.

It drove me nuts. She lied; she cheated on me; she ignored the kids. Didn't matter. Since she had two x chromosomes, she got the kids. Even four months after the fact it didn't make sense.

"Don't go making everything into a conspiracy theory. A judge just happened to think that I would be a better parent to them..." my ex-wife started, but whatever else she was saying was lost as somebody leaned on his horn and left it there. One of the airport traffic cops was yelling at him, but the horn just kept going. Like the first neighborhood hood dog barking, this triggered a chorus and suddenly every car seemed to be honking.

"I CAN'T HEAR WHAT YOU'RE SAYING."

Losing my feet for a second on the slick snowy walk, I jogged away from the horn toward the taxi stand.

"... you might not believe me, but it's true. If I could have made it, I would have," my ex-wife said. "This is just one of those things that happen."

"Gee Jess, why wouldn't I believe you?" I said my voice dripping sarcasm. "You've been honest about everything in the past. I mean you would tell me if you were lying about something wouldn't you? Plus it's not like you've been using the visitation as a weapon. It's just bad luck that I haven't seen the kids in four months. Like now. You didn't know until two hours before the visitation about Jenna's soccer game. That's just bad luck."

"If I could Peter..."

"IF you could? It's strange that you have to drive her. Just a weird confluence of half-assed explanations and unbelievable events why Jenna couldn't take a taxi, or get a lift from let's see... Barb or the nanny or one of the other kids' moms. Or how about getting any of those people just to give Traci and Tommy a lift to the social services building? Or maybe ask the grad student who's buffing your car in the driveway."

"We went to court and a judge decided to give me custody, but it's my fault?" Jessica's voice was a rasp. "An impartial observer decided this..." I couldn't hold back my snort of disbelief. "Peter if you're having trouble seeing the kids it's your fault, not mine. If you didn't have to have supervised visitations, this wouldn't even be a problem."

One,two,three-four,five-six,seveneightnineten.

"So are we done talking yet? I have better things to do with my time than listen to dead air."

That got me angry for another reason that she the queen of dead air would say this. I wouldn't yell though. So I sighed and sucked in a shallow breath.

"Jess, this is the only reason I'm in town."

"I'm not canceling..." The rest of her words were drowned out by a chorus of taxis honking and two of the drivers yelling at each other in Farsi.

"HOLD ON A SEC." I yelled putting a finger in my ear. The car horns and traffic cop whistles still overwhelmed me.

"Jess, I've got to get off the street. It's too loud out here." I walked away from the cab stand into the entry tunnel into the airport's main terminal.

Inside there was an ambient mumble, but still I could at least hear.

"Okay, what were you saying?"

"I told you before that I'm not canceling. You can see them tomorrow."

Instead of counting to ten, I concentrated on my breathing for a couple seconds.

"Peter, are you still there?"

I should have just let the lawyers do this. The only point in talking to each other was trying to piss each other off.

"Why are we doing this Jess? Why don't you save time and just tell me what unexpected little disaster is going to happen tomorrow and save time."

"But I always so enjoy talking to you on the phone..." My ex sniffed in amusement. "Oh don't get a bug up your ass. That's just a joke." I could sense her evil smile. "You believe me, don't you, Peter?"

"You think this is funny? I'm supposed to laugh because you're dangling the chance for me to see our kids... because it amuses to make me jump? For some fucked up reason YOU feel a reason to get back at me.

"Do you care about the kids at all? I know Jenna might not want to talk to me, but Traci and Tommy have to." I listened to her not responding for a second. "The walls are going to come down Jessie, sooner or later they're going to come down and the longer you put it off the harder the fall's going to be."

Jessica laughed. "Wow, a biblical reference. Very impressive."

It took awhile to push down the anger again. Looking up I felt the stare of a middle-aged black couple waiting in the long line by the United counter. The woman looked away, but the man nodded his head in sympathy.

I kept walking down the concourse. "Say whatever you want, but if I have to go back to St. Paul without seeing them, my lawyer will be setting up time to see the judge the moment the court offices open Monday morning."

"Are you stupid or hard of hearing? I told you. You can see the kids tomorrow."

"It's only two hours." I kept my voice down; I wasn't going to shout my throat raw again. "In two weeks you can be with them for 334 hours and now maybe I'm going to see them for two. How much more one sided can it get? It's not even time alone with them but with some CPS woman standing over my shoulder." I dodged a skycap wheeling a squeaky overburdened raft of suitcases.

"What is this about, Jess? It's not about making me come home anymore. You've settled into a routine without me. It's not about the kids either. Say whatever the hell you want to in front of a judge, but you know this isn't about them."

"How is not being with their mother in their best interest? You think it's unfair I got the kids? I think it's unfair that I had to do most of the work to make most of the money to support us. Because I did that for some reason I'm a second class parent?"

Jessica's voice had been steadily rising, but now fell off. "You don't think I knew that I was putting in too many hours. I knew. I thought though that we were a team and we would get past the rough patch. But just because my job didn't allow me to spend time with them, but that never meant I didn't care about them. Now my priorities have changed."

It just wasn't possible for me to hold back anymore. "How many hours did you work last week? Now that the bloom is off the rose, how much time did you find for the kids? Tell me that Barb and the nanny spent less time with them and I'll shut up. Or just tell me what Tommy did in gym class this week or what musical piece Traci is working on or who Jenna is thinking of dating now."

Looking up I realized that at some point I must have turned around because I was right back at the United counter. Maybe I should just take an earlier flight back because some part of me was sure my ex-wife would just pull a new stunt tomorrow.

My ex-wife snorted. "Just because I'm not mother of the year, like you, doesn't mean I'm a bad parent. They're not toddlers anymore; they can walk and talk and go to the bathroom all by themselves."

"Jess, you're lying to yourself. Calling me mother of the year just proves that I would do a better job with the kids."

"No, that just proves that you don't have balls." My ex-wife laughed. "There's no point in arguing about this. The judge already settled custody. I have the kids and now it's my responsibility. Mine, not yours."

I shook my head in wonder. "This is what it's about? Winning? Okay Jess, I give in. You got all the kids. All the marbles are yours. You're the big winner and I'm the big loser."

"That second half's obvious," my ex-wife said coldly.

"Is this really the way you want it? If I disappear tomorrow, you'll be happy being a full time mommy? Don't lie to me Jess; we both know it's not true. It's bad and it's getting worse. And the longer you stretch this out the more it's going to hurt our kids."

"You think they like you more?" My ex-wife shrilled. "They like you so much that they won't even talk to you on the phone. They don't want to be with you. If Jenna or Traci or Tommy wanted to see you, I couldn't keep them away from the visitation. But they don't. Get it? THEY don't."

"It's gonna come out, Jess. Traci and Tommy are going to ask me why we got divorced and I'm going to tell them. Say what you want, but you know they already hate you. How much worse is it going to get when I tell them you were screwing around me?"

At that I head a startled gasp and saw a pair of starched old women glaring at me. Quickly, I started walking away and lowered my voice.

"The lies are over, Jess. Finally they're going to see you for who you really are. You know they hate you even now. And that's when they just think you're just the ice queen who drove daddy away. When they find out that you were screwing around they're going to despise you. Once I get a custody hearing, they're going to run to the stand and tell the judge they want to be with me."

"Does saying that make you feel better? Is that your little pick me up speech. You've been out of their lives for four months. That's an eternity for children. You think they want to live with you? Peter, they don't even remember you." She paused enjoying my silence. "They don't know you any more and you don't know them. You don't have any idea what they're feeling."

I shook my head. "You're wrong. Okay, I don't know it for a certainty. It's still true." God, did I hope it was true. "I'm so sure I'm willing to bet on it."

"Bet?"

"Nothing else has worked, so why not? Jess, if you can prove to me they're happy then I promise to never pursue custody in the future."

My ex-wife laughed. "You might as well bet a million dollars in Monopoly money. You're never going to get custody."

"Even if that's true, you'll still have to keep going to court and paying lawyers. Take the bet and you'll never have to worry about it again. All you have to do is prove the kids are happy. Just... just have Barb take a video of you and the kids some weekend. If you can even squeeze three hours of happiness out of them, you win. You can take them to the zoo, you can take them to the mall, you can bribe them any way you want. If you can be around them and keep Jenna, Traci and Tommy happy -- as in smiling and talking and playing -- for three hours you win."

The silence just kind of sat there for a couple seconds.

"Jess, the game's over and you've won. Now let's go on with our lives. What about the plan that we started with? The kids come with me to St. Paul and every two weeks you get the whole weekend with them."

"You're delusional if you think I'm going to let the kids move out there. St. Paul? I'm not going anywhere near Minnesota and they're not either and that's not going to change no matter what judge we get."

"You're wrong, but I'm not going to argue with you," I said taking a moment to think. We almost were talking reasonably and I couldn't let this moment go. "Tell me what you want. Really, Jess. Give me a solution. Is it that you don't want the hassle of going to the airport every other week? Then I'll put the kids on the plane and fly in. All you or Barb have to do is pick them up and drop them off. You don't ever have to see, hear or smell St. Paul. I'll even split the cost with you."

"That would be me splitting the cost with me," Jessica said. "You're going to be using my alimony to pay for it. I've never heard of a man getting alimony, but don't let it make you feel like less of a man."

"If I didn't need to fight you for the kids, I wouldn't have taken the alimony. The kids are worth a hell of a lot more than the money. I would love for you to stop paying Jess." Hope caught hold of me and I rushed on. "My salary might not be huge, but it's more than enough for food and clothes and all the essentials. So forget about child support too. The kids can fly in every two weeks and you'd still get them for a month during the summer. You'd never pay me another cent and you'll be able to dazzle them with expensive gifts and trips that I could never afford. You would constantly be winning, constantly looking like the better parent."

My breath was shallow as the silence stretched on. Even when it had stretched out to thirty seconds, I hoped. I cleared my throat into the phone, hoping to get a response but knowing Jess wasn't listening anymore.

This was her new favorite technique waiting for me to get carried away and then putting the phone down without hanging up and walking away. She was the dead air queen.

It took me a minute to pull myself together. A part of me knew something like this was going to happen. The thought of staying an extra day frustrated me, but it was just what I had to do.

Getting a rental car was simple and going to the motel and laying down for a half hour didn't do anything to settle my thoughts. Idly I thought about driving by the house, but not only would that be pathetic, I was worried Jess could somehow use it against me. Instead I found myself driving into the city and wandering around my old stomping grounds.

It wasn't just chance that landed me outside the door of the trendy restaurant and bar that was my old hangout. I probably wouldn't have gone in, but it was raining hard now and this place was as good as any to get dry. Between the bad weather and this odd between meals hour the place was almost deserted.

Coming in the door the sound of eighties pop music nearly overwhelmed me. Nothing had changed in the 11 months ago since I had come in here and almost cheated on my wife. Then it had made me feel guilty. Looking back, it was amazing how dumb I was blaming my near attempt at infidelity for my marriage problems. As if months before that night my wife sensed that I would drunkenly flirt with a girl in a bar. Still it was the first thing that made me worried about my marriage so somehow in my mind it seemed to have been the cause of my divorce. It was stupid, but there it was.

Taking a seat at one of the booths, it was almost five minutes before the waitress came out and got my drink order. It took another five minutes for the drink to come out, but I was busy during that time thinking about the waitress.

A couple of zebra colored scrunchies pulled her long blonde hair back into a pony tail. Her face still had a delicate paleness, but now it seemed heavier and her hazel-eyes, while still beautiful, looked puffy. In the neon green polo and gray khakis that were the waitresses' uniform here her body was a slim delight. She had greeted me with the same enthusiasm I remembered, but now her smile was pasted on her.

"Martini, straight up," she said putting the drink down. "So what would you like?"

"The Southwest Turkey Club, but forget about the coleslaw."

She smiled and jotted it down on her pad. "Fries are only 75 cents extra."

"The chips will be fine. No scratch that, forget about the chips or the fries. Just give me the sandwich." I didn't let go of the menu when she tried to take it from me. "You don't remember me, do you Theresa?"

"Sorry." Her smile showed a hint of annoyance. "There's a lot of people who come here and after a while faces kind of blur together," she said glancing down at the menu and giving a firmer tug.

"How about this face and the name Peter? It was about a year ago and you were coming in to try to change a shift. Oh and you were calling yourself Karen and I was calling myself Jeff that night." I let go of the menu and so did she. She stared at me doubtfully and shook her head.

"I've got my old license in my wallet if you'd like to look at it. Honestly, I know it's not much of a mug to look at, but it's still me."

Theresa shook her head in disbelief. "You look so much older. God, I didn't mean it to sound like that."

My smile didn't quite make it. "No problem. There is some gray up here now." I stroked the gray patch above my right ear that had developed in the last 11 months. "My niece wanted to dye it and it looks like she'll get her wish."

"Don't do it just because I put my foot in my mouth. It's just that you look different. You were like this big brown bear and now you're like this... um fox."

"Silver fox, you mean? Like a nice guy you would fix up with your Grandma?"

"I wasn't going to say silver. Well, I was, but it didn't mean what I wanted it to mean. That's why I didn't say it." She looked like she was caught between annoyed and embarrassed and now, judging from her flush, embarrassed was winning going away. "Besides both of my grandmothers are dead."

It was hard to hide the smile that wanted to leap out. "Now I really think the fix-up's an insult. There's bad blind dates, but this will be the first time I'll be dating a dead grandmother," I said deadpan. "Theresa, stop blushing. I know you didn't mean it. You just thought I should start practicing shuffleboard now, rather than wait 'til it's too late."

"Are you going to stop making fun on me?"

"But you look so pretty when you blush."

She blushed darker, but looked happy too. "About what I said... You do look a lot better and it wasn't like you were bad looking to begin with. God, you really lost a lot of weight."

"When you're done with your lying, can I tell you how pretty you still are?"

"You're accusing me of lying? I'm a mess. I smell like grease and cigarettes. My hair's a complete waste and my eyes are bloodshot."

"Are you fishing for complements or are you really that silly? Your eyes look a little puffy, but that's about it. If you're a mess, you're the most amazing mess I've ever seen."

She shook her head and then looked behind her. "I'm really not supposed to chat, but it is pretty slow now. If you take your martini up to the bar, I could probably get away with it."

I grabbed my drink and followed her. When she got up to the bar, the smile was gone and her face had become cool. "I guess you decided it's okay to cheat on your wife now?"

"Yes, but there's three good reasons for it." Seeing her about to blow up at me, I stopped. "Please just listen to me for a second, okay? As I said, there's three good reasons for me cheating on my wife.

"First you are very beautiful. Second my wife was cheating on me the night we were flirting. Last of all," I held up my right hand, "I'm not married anymore. And if you doubt me, I've got a picture in my wallet of me posing beside the divorce papers." I was busy with other things, but I realized that was the first time I mentioned the break up without feeling bad. "It's funny I thought women's eyes automatically scanned for wedding rings."

Theresa was looking back and forth from my eyes to my hand now. "In a bar not having a ring doesn't mean much." She took a deep breath, her eyes becoming more serious and a little sad. Then she let out the breath and the look faded. "I'm going to just give them your lunch order. It'll just be a second."

It was more like four minutes and when she got back her face still looked a little wet though her eyes looked less puffy.

I touched her hand. "It looks like you've been having a hard time of it too."

"You're not the only one who got divorced. Actually, there's more similarities than that. But I'm guessing you didn't get back with your ex for a couple of months."

"No, thank God for small favors. You've got that experience all to yourself."

She grimaced. "You have kids, right?"

Automatically, I pulled out my wallet and showed her. "This was two years ago, but they probably look pretty much the same..."

Theresa lay her hand on my chest making me stop."You have a sad story to tell too, don't you? I don't want to hear about that. Could we just go back to the flirting for now?"

I smiled and leered at her as my eyes roamed her body. "It's going to be tough, but maybe I could manage it."