Depression is
Some stories on Literotica are hard to read. They may hit too close to home, or describe cruel or violent events, or contain so many errors that the reader is distracted from the narrative flow; No matter the cause, the reader is no longer willing to suspend disbelief (cf. Coleridge, Samuel Taylor). The story fails because the reader is no longer engaged, no longer cares about the characters or what happens to them.
This story is hard to read for a different reason: it contains few of the usual clues we use to guide us through a story. There are no named characters, no plot narrative, no punctuation to break the narrative stream into sentences (well, there is one period, at the very end). Reading this story isn't a passive experience, a matter of simply letting the story flow from eye to brain; rather, the reader must pay attention, must work at ferreting out the message.
This isn't an instance of an author trying to impress, it's an attempt to get inside the mind of a man who has been betrayed, who was too weak to fight back, who loved so much that he fell too far, who wasn't willing to commit suicide but nonetheless is killing himself slowly. Despite its lack of familiar literary guideposts, the story may sound all too familiar to those who also have been betrayed.
Depression is waking up
your skull
two sizes too small (brain hurts like fuck)
your mouth
tastes like you gargled with vomit (you did)
your eyes
refuse to open until you pry the lids up (which also hurts like fuck and leaves a bright circle afterimage in each one)
your ears
filled with huge hammer blows (you finally figure out it's just your heart which amazingly enough is still beating)
your pillow
stained with dried blood (guess you fell down again)
your room
filled with Dementors who fly tight circles around your bed (hate those faceless fuckers!)
You know
this is the best part of the
Whole Fucking Day
Depression is
Groping
for the bottle of mouthwash on the bedside table (you refilled it just last night)
Sloshing
a mouthful around (to kill the puke taste)
Welcoming
the familiar sting (it takes your breath away like a strong mint)
Swallowing
(it's 80 proof makes the Dementors start to fly out the door lets your skull expand some reduces the pressurepain)
Swallowing
another mouthful
Now you might
be ready to start
This Fucking Day
Depression is
Sitting
up too quickly (oh shit don't puke again lay back down yes Mrs Hannah I know lie back down)
Sitting
up more slowly (feet on floor take deep breaths)
Opening
eyes again (don't remember when you shut them)
Searching
for the bottle of eye drops (the doc said if the lids stick too long you could lose your sight or even the whole fucking eye)
Putting
two drops in each eye (try not to poke out your fucking eye)
Getting
four or five drops on your cheek for each one you get in the eye
Dropping
the fucking cap on the fucking floor
Putting
the bottle of eyedrops back on the bedside table
Knocking
over the bottle of 80 proof mouthwash fuck fuck fuck
Shitty Fucking Day
Depression is
Making
it into the bathroom (which stinks of vomit and shit and maybe a dead rhinoceros or whale god how can it be this awful)
Pissing
away your useless wakeup hardon
Thinking
you should clean the bathroom (or at least spray a case or two of air freshener)
Making
it downstairs to the kitchen (stripped down to boxers and T-shirt like who the fuck'll care)
Looking
around jeezus what a fucking mess
Spilling
some coffee grounds when you put it in the filter (actually remembered to put in the filter this time)
Spilling
some water when you put the pot on the coffee maker
Turning
on the coffee maker
Getting
