Dear Andrea

Flash story at best. Written a while back about my favorite crazy lady. I have it on good authority that is not worth reading. I was bored. You were warned. No sex.

This Story has been edited to fix some flaws

*

"Honestly, Geena." Denise sipped her coffee, "Greg is going ballistic for no reason. It was just a couple kisses at the party."

"And you kissed Tom from Accounting?" Geena said in disbelief appalled both by her actions and her choice. The two were sharing girl talk at a local Cosi', a Columbus coffee chain. There had been one of those corporate 'stress relieving' parties and Denise had been a bit too free with the grape, to hear her tell her story.

There was an audible snicker from the table next to them.

"Excuse me. This is a private conversation." Denise said pointedly to the brunette sitting there, waiting for her companion.

"Then you should keep your voices down. But I hope you don't mind if I listen in, because you're hilarious." she returned. Her eyes were bright and a smile crossed her face.

"What?" Denise said incredulously.

The brunnette waved her hand at the two of them. "But really, I actually have some questions for your friend Geena. Tell me, is Greg...it's Greg, right, is Greg cute? Does he earn good cash? How's his personality?" She pulled out a small notebook and a pen from her heavy purse.

"Excuse me?!?" Denise sputtered "Why the hell are you asking that and why are you asking her? Who are you?"

"Where are my manners? I'm Andrea. Well, since you don't value him anymore, I figure I'd scope him out and see if he was any kind of catch." the eavesdropper asked simply. "And since you're already looking for someone else, I figure she might give me more objective answers. If you're already cheating on him, you probably have an artificially low opinion of him."

"I am NOT cheating! It was kissing! And who the hell are you to try to steal my man?" Denise almost screamed.

Andrea smiled. "Oh, I'm not stealing him; you're throwing him away. But it's not for me. I'm Taken. I have a couple girlfriends who are looking for someone good and it's hard to find decent men who aren't afraid of commitment." At this point, a plump blonde joined the brunette, her hands filled with two beverages.

"Are you nuts?" Denise asked, nonplussed.

"I don't see how that's relevant." Andrea furrowed her brow. "The important thing is I'm not

stupid.

So...how is he with kids?" Andrea continued with Geena.

Geena was caught between amusement and outrage at her friend's predicament. "He's great with kids." Andrea dutifully wrote it down.

"Geena!" Denise whirled back to Andrea. "How would you like it if I tried to steal

your

man?" Denise threw at Andrea. Cinnamon, the blonde, with great presence of mind and snakelike reflexes, grabbed Andrea's purse and clutched it to her bosom.

Andrea gave her friend a long suffering look. "

Really

? You think I'm threatened by

that

?" She gestured at Geena. Geena bristled at the implied insult. Andrea shook her head and started holding up fingers. "One, he doesn't normally favor blondes, particularly fake ones. Two, you are nowhere near good enough for him." Cinnamon made a small gagging sound, which garnered a look from Andrea. "Three, unlike you, I

appreciate

what I have and I'm not throwing him away by playing tonsil hockey with

Tom

from Accounting." Andrea got this strange little look. "And fourth, if you had a snowballs chance in Hell, I know exactly how to deal..."

"Andrea!" Cinnamon corrected quickly. "What's going on here?" Cinnamon tried smiling. Smiles brightened everyone's day. Things needed calming down. Her friend Andrea was not the most stable of individuals which was as charitable as saying that the Titanic was an unfortunate boating accident.

"Oh nothing. This woman doesn't love her husband anymore and I was seeing if he'd be a good match for some friends of mine since he has low standards." Andrea explained to her friend.

"HEY! And you're one to talk about fake hair color." Denise shot at the brunette.

Andrea reached up and ran her fingers through her long dyed locks. "My husband

likes

black hair. So it's black." she said as if explaining the facts of life to a child. "Do you do

anything

for your husband? Is it blonde for him or blonde for you?" Silence met this question.

"Andrea," Cinnamon said patiently, "apologize to the nice woman."

Andrea turned to Geena. "I'm sorry your friend doesn't love her husband." Geena couldn't help snorting laughter.

"Hey!" Cinnamon and Denise said.

"Look...go home, lube yourself up, get a set of handcuffs and a bamboo switch and let him do whatever the hell he wants. If he actually takes you up on that,by the time you heal up, he'll have gotten even and probably feel pretty guilty; you'll have an pretty direct idea on how bad you made him feel and you can

move on

. Everyone wants to say they're sorry, but no one wants to actually ACT like they're sorry. Oh, and never ever disrespect him again like you did at that stupid party." She paused as if considering something else. "You know...it might help if you shoot Tom. Just a little gift for your husband. Nothing says true love like a major felony." Andrea said helpfully.

"Are you nuts?" Denise asked again, looking askance at this maniac.

Cinnamon sighed. "She's in a bit of a co-dependent relationship..."

"Of course it's a co-dependent relationship." Andrea said with an edge to her voice. "I depend on him and he can depend on me." Andrea turned back to Denise. "Honestly, I don't see the problem. Doesn't you husband love you?" she asked, puzzled.

"Of course he loves me!" Denise sputtered again.

"See? Low standards. If he loves you, then you don't need to worry about him hurting you bad, if at all, do you?"

"I'm

not

going to be a doormat just because I kissed someone!" Denise forced her voice lower. People were starting to glance their way.

"You know the thing about doormats? You keep them at home. But you seem to think your husband should be a doormat. Just take whatever humiliation you want to dole out. Speaking of houses, do you think he'll get the house in the divorce?" Andrea asked Geena.

"He has a pretty nice house." Geena admitted speculatively.

"I'm not getting a divorce! And I'm not letting him hurt me!" Denise started to cast some glances at Geena.

"So only you're allowed to hurt him?" Andrea asked.

"I'm SORRY, okay? But if he really loved me, he'd get over it. It was just some innocent kisses."

"Ah, rationalizations. You think

he

thinks they're innocent?" Andrea turned back to Cinnamon. "See, I told you she didn't love him. If he loves her, he should just get over the any pain she willfully causes him. But if she loved him, she'd get over any pain he causes her. She won't. So..." she held out her hand Q.E.D.

Andrea turned back to Geena. "So...did he actually have children with her? I'm rethinking this because I'm not sure I want to subject my friends to constant contact with her if they have kids together. I wouldn't do that to a friend."

"I don't need to listen to this! Come on Geena!" the two stood up. She turned to her friend as they left. "You were a lot of help."

"Hey, I wasn't about to give them Greg's number..." Geena said

"Obviously..."

"...I'll be the first in line..." Geena cracked at her friend

Her response was a spate of curses and a few worried looks cast over her shoulder at the couple at the table.

"Andrea, you could have ruined her marriage." Cinnamon remonstrated with her friend.

"She didn't need my help. Sometimes I really despair of my species..."

"Andrea..." Cinnamon said in a warning tone.

"You're right. Instead of complaining, I should help more people. Maybe I should write a relationship advice column."

Cinnamon blanched.

This was edited. I put a bit more introspection into Denise. Someone called on the carpet might do a bit of thinking. But she is probably a lost cause.

I have heard credible evidence that there are voting programs which distort voting and you get the odd person who just '1' bombs someone they don't like or just lash out at 'no sex' stories.

But as always, I welcome comments.

And no, I do not advocate ANY of this advice. But I know this is exactly how this character thinks.