The List 21

I was walking home late one night. I live in a residential area basically crime free. My next-door neighbor Ginger is a beautiful thirty-year-old cutie was entering her house. As Miss super women opened her door, a creep jumped out from the evergreens, and pushed her inside her house. She yelled. I grabbed a pipe from a garbage can and ran into her house. The animal was pulling her clothes off. Using the pipe as an equalizer, I smashed his arm and he took off, out the door. She was crying and totally upset. I made some tea and calmed her down. We called the cops and explained what happened. The police and I left. Ginger got my phone number, in case the jerk returned.

I never made a move on Ginger. She was too attractive. I had been married for five years to a gorgeous doll. My wife got hit on by half the guys she met. Eventually she found Mr. Irresistible and left me. Now all I wanted was an average-looking woman, who craved children and a comfortable life, as I did.

A few days later Ginger called and invited me to dinner to reward me. We went to a small Italian restaurant with delicious food. Ginger is very intelligent, witty, and fun to be with.

She immediately went to my "do-not-get-involved" list. Re-living the hell I went through with my first wife was not on my agenda. I thanked her for a great night. She said it was only a small reward for my protecting her. Ginger also enjoyed it, and asked me if I was interested in another date. I responded that she was way out of my league. I was honestly looking for someone to have a lifetime commitment with. She mentioned that she had tired of the single life and was also searching for marriage partner.

I explained that I had been married to a beautiful woman, and did not enjoy the experience of having men constantly hitting on her. Ginger was even more attractive than my ex. When I walked into a room with my ex, all the men's eyes were drawn to her. When we were at a party, it amazed me how many of my men friends joined us for a conversation. At an occasion that had dancing, she would spend all her time either dancing with some stud, or refusing a dance with anyone. The worst part was her working. I was aware of all the players constantly trying to get her attention. She seemed oblivious. Apparently, in the end, she was not so oblivious, after all.

"Tom," Ginger said plainly, sincerely, "You are very cute and a bright, funny person enjoyable to be around. I don't see you as a loser. You could hold your own with anyone I have ever gone out with." I thanked her, but led the conversation, subtly, in another direction. We let it go at that. I passed her on the street, and had occasional short conversations, but that was it for, well, at least for a few months.

A few weeks before Christmas, Ginger stopped me, and asked if I would escort her to her office Christmas party. She wanted me to experience a date with her, among a crowd of people. She looked delicious. I could not refuse. Ginger surprised me when I picked her up. She was very conservatively dressed, with a minimum of makeup. She definitely was attractive, without the hot sexy "come on" look.

My ex would never have left the house, for a party, looking like that. Ginger was too good-looking to be considered "plain," but she was as unassuming as a naturally gorgeous babe could be. She mentioned that she was an executive secretary and always dressed down at work. I surprised myself by being impressed. That night we had a ball. She danced almost every dance with me. The men noticed her, but did not flirt, or make a play for her. Ginger exuded strength and confidence, without welcoming excess familiarity. She explained that at work she was a no-nonsense person, who did not tolerate any bullshit. Many thought she was gay.

Ginger never, ever, not even once, dated a co-worker. I was impressed. We started going out. She always dressed appropriately. Her appeal, to me, needed little adornment. We had much in common. Slowly we became affectionate and, with little forethought, began a passionate sexual relationship. She would wear sexy outfits and stunning makeup, but only with me. We wanted to spend every second together. She moved in. I did all the cooking; she did most of the cleaning. We were both very happy. We tried each other's hobbies, and shared what we both enjoyed. It was the happiest period of my life.

This is when Ginger, in her ultimate wisdom, decided we should get married. I loved just the way we were, and loved the idea of marriage. It was, after all, what I had always wanted with the right woman, of course.

I still had many concerns. I had spent time studying what caused wives to cheat and what to look out for. I asked Ginger to look over a list of my requests and see if she could agree with it.

The list:

1. Never go out drinking with anyone but me. No "girl's night" out with drinking and dancing.

2. Going to dinner with just women was OK but, limit drinks to two.

3. Do not take a job with traveling involved.

4. No job that requires allot of overtime. If the job changes and requires much OT, then quit.

5. No lunches, or dinners, with just you and someone of the opposite sex.

If any of the guidelines on the list were broken, I would get a divorce. No discussions about why the list was broken. I would also abide by the list; what is fair is fair.

I asked her to take a week and think about the list.

Ginger was not happy about the list. She said things in her life might change. Her boss might ask her to join him for lunch and she could not refuse. Many jobs had women who had "girl's night" out.

She would have a hard time refusing a great job because travel was involved.

After much discussion we decided marriage was out. Since we were both looking for lifetime partners, we should split up, since we obviously could not agree on what we wanted in our lives. I moved out.

This, again, turned into a black period of my life. I did not date. I spent much more time working and drinking. After a few months I stopped drinking and tried to get my life together. I never contacted Ginger, and she never tried to contact me.

I went on a few dates, which meant nothing. I could not get excited about anyone I met. The world seemed gray.

About six months after we had separated, Ginger finally gave me a call. She wanted to discuss something with me over dinner. I invited her over, and prepared one of her favorite dinners. Shrimp Risotto.

She arrived looking sexy and spectacular. We had a great dinner, complemented by a very expensive wine she had bought.

Ginger had never been married, and did not identify with the potential problems that the list indicated.

She told me she had decided to review the list, one at a time, to see if I was correct in my assessment.

List 1

She went out with the ladies from work to a "girl's night". Sure enough, when they started dancing, the married women got into it. The men were grabbing their asses and feeling them up. Most did not object. Drinks were surely involved.

One of them joined a man, in the back seat of his car. Disgusting, "I knew that was not for me," Ginger stated, matter-of-factly. All had too much to drink, as if they were asking for trouble. Dropping that as an activity was not a problem. "The only problem," she rejoined, "Was that I refuse to be told what I could or could not do."

List 2.

"No problem. I rarely ever have two drinks, and never more. The only problem," she repeated, "Was that I refuse to be told what I could or could not do."

List 3.

"This is a difficult problem. I might never be offered a traveling job. So why should I give up marriage to a great guy over something that probably would never happen? I decided to talk to a friend of mine, who was married and traveled at least one week a month. I asked her how it affected her marriage. She said she would be honest with me, but would not reveal her entire story. She said she enjoyed it. It gave her time away from her two children. She definitely appreciated her husband more since she saw him less."

"Her husband hated it. They enjoyed a terrific income from the job. Without it, her husband would have left her. He did not enjoy their sex life. It was intermittent and he felt many times he was getting pity sex. He never completely trusted her. If he could not get her on the phone, he would suspect the worst."

"She did not say it, but I suspected she had occasional sex on the road. The guilt generated the lack of satisfaction, and pity sex."

Her sex at home did not have the same excitement as road sex. She loved her husband, and wanted to spend her life with him, but would not give up the travel for him. That spoke volumes.

List 4.

This was similar to list 3. She might never have a job that required much overtime but would not want to give the job up, if it were required.

List 5.

Ginger did not quite understand why she couldn't have lunch, or supper, with just a man. She agreed that lunch alone with the same man too frequently was asking for trouble. But once in awhile, occasionally, was not necessarily a problem.

She then asked me to respond, in writing, to her answers.

First, I wanted to respond to her statement that "I refuse to be told what I could or could not do." I was not telling her what, or whatnot to do. We were not married but were planning it. I wanted her to know what behavior was not acceptable to me. Telling her after we were married would be a demand. Now I was indicating that I would leave any marriage that the behavior was prevalent. She had two options on each list number. She was making the decision, not me.

List 1. This was a no brainer. I felt that a husband or wife who went out drinking or dancing without their spouse was on the cusp of cheating.

List 2. More than two drinks could lead to problems. I want my spouse to be in control at all times.

List 3. I wanted to get married to share my life. Having a traveling wife is not my idea of marriage. Raising my kids alone is not my goal in life. Being two hundred miles from home can lead one to believe that a little fling is harmless and you never would get caught. The severity of the pain of going through a divorce is not as apparent.

List 4. Much the same answer as above. I make enough money to support us. The overtime would be gravy which we could live without. I want someone to share my life more than I require what the overtime would buy.

List 5. An occasional lunch would not be a problem. More than once a week would. I do not see why finding a woman to share a friendship and lunch is a big deal. I also resent someone sharing our secrets with a member of the opposite sex.

We both had secure incomes we agreed that our marriage came before any job or any person.

We worked on the list one by one.

List one and two were easy. We both agreed instantly.

List 3. This could become a problem. Neither of us would want to give up a great job because we would have to travel. However, leaving the spouse at home with the children was also not an option. We decided that the marriage was more important than the job. That a small amount of travel was acceptable but if it caused problems in our marriage, the job would go.

List 4. A limited amount of overtime was allowed for a special project that would only last a month, or two. If it required more than that the company had a problem, not us.

List 5. This was a harder problem to solve. What if a boss asked a spouse to lunch to discuss a project?

What if someone kept joining her for lunch?

Well, if, on rare occasions, the boss joined the spouse for lunch, it was acceptable If it was a sincere job purpose. The opposite sex was acceptable, If it was rare, and if you normally ate with the same sex person.

After we agreed that the list was not the law, but was serious guidelines, in place to make both partners more comfortable. Divorce was not a threat, but a consequence of bad behavior. The list pointed out bad behaviors that may be implied, if habitual. Proof of cheating is not the standard, stepping onto the slippery slope is enough to be considered "enough".

That opened up a door. We moved back together for the next six months. Both of us were aware of the others' feeling.

Epilogue

We got married. Fortunately, after two children, Ginger stopped working. We had a strong family life.

She was always beautiful and men hit on her but usually only once. She made it quite clear where she stood. We always loved one another and it grew stronger as the years flew. Just before Ginger passed she told me she never crossed the list and she never regretted it.