"Which dress should I wear?"
Meet my wife Reina. You can call her Rei. That's how she spells it, but it's pronounced like a ray of sunshine, which she is every day. I guess you can tell I love her. I always have. Well, if you consider "always" to be since I met her in the sixth grade. My family moved to town during the summer, so I was the new kid when sixth grade started in the fall. I met her at the bus stop, and we got to talking. She hasn't stopped since.
"The black one dear."
She fast became my best friend. We were inseparable all though school. Not romantically, I mean like girlfriend/boyfriend. And we both had different interests. I played baseball and ran track. She was gymnast, and became a cheerleader in high school. Oh and she was a swimmer and a diver in the summer.
"Honey, which shoes do you like better?"
We did our homework together more days than not, and liked the same books and movies. Our parents became friendly, so we were even together for family barbecues, and even a couple of vacations.
"Depends on the occasion, dear. Are we doing something special tonight?"
"Well, no. This is something different, and you're not going."
"But today is Friday dear, and we always have 'date night' on Friday!"
It was true. We started dating in high school out of self defense. I couldn't stomach girl drama, with all the notes being passed about who liked me, or inquiring what I thought of this girl or that. And the entire thing about the guy having to get up the courage to risk rejection to cold call some piece of feminine fluff, and if she said yes you were responsible for keeping an adolescent teen female entertained for the evening while she was hoping for Prince Charming, well it's torture.
"Yes darling, and I'm terribly sorry, but something important has come up, and I'm going to have to ask you to take a date night rain check this week."
Well that's odd. She always looked forward to date night. Even before the kids went off to school (our youngest left for college last fall, and we've been empty nesters for eight months), we never missed a night. If we couldn't find a babysitter, Friday nights became family dates, with us hitting a less expensive, though less romantic eatery, and hitting the bowling alley or a PG movie instead of pursuing something more adult.
"Darling you never answered me about the shoes."
That's another thing about Rei, she can't make up her mind. She'll be the first one to tell you she is 'wishy washy.' I like the way she says that. The problem we have, is that when she can't make up her mind, she generally asks me, and then chooses the opposite of what I suggest.
"If we were going together, I'd say the black stilettos because they make your legs look fantastic. Since we're not, I'd rather not know other men are being treated to that view while I'm elsewhere, cheated of your company. So I'll suggest the black pumps if it's formal, or those cute gray flats if you'll be on your feet all night."
She mumbled something in reply, but I didn't quite catch it. I swore I heard something about being on her back, but that didn't make sense. Oh well, anyway. We started dating in high school just to keep other girls, and boys for Reina, from bothering us with that ridiculous adolescent dating dance.
Of course on Prom night, she almost went with Darryl Hall. No, it wasn't really the singer, his real name was David Jensen, but he looked like Darryl, so we all called him that. She had kind of a crush on him, but when he asked her, she got cold feet and ran to my side begging me not to ask Joan Jett. Yeah, you get the picture, Kimmie was the spitting image! So we went together, instead of with rock star clones. Someplace in the middle of the first slow dance, she came to the realization she couldn't have gone with Darryl because she was in love with me. It sounded good to me, because I was pretty sure I couldn't manage without her either. So we kissed.
We kissed again. And some more, and well...you get it. Relax you uppity goody two shoes moralists, we were both eighteen already, we both wanted what happened and we both agreed to skip the rest of prom and Kevin Kaufman's all night post prom party, and we both wanted to get into the back seat in the parking lot by the very empty beach and we both wanted to kiss, fondle, feel, lick, suck and memorize ever inch of each other's body. Sorry Mrs. Fanning. You can circle that sentence with red as a run on all you would like, but only a run sentence can describe the wild and frantic mood that accompanied the mutual termination of each other's virginity.
"Do you like the pearl necklace and earrings, or the gold beads?"
Damn, I now have a boner from my suggestive description of our run on prom night of sexy teenage love, and I have to talk to my wife. I have to speak coherently too.
"Dear, if you are wearing the little black dress, your come fuck me heels, and the sex in a bottle perfume that is sitting on the hallway table beside them, the only choice is the pearls."
I love my wife. I love her so much. She actually chose each piece I advised tonight. That's very rare. I guess she must have something in mind.
"Reina, I thought I suggested the pumps, or flats if you are going to be on your feet a lot."
"Yes darling, you did. But you also alluded to the stilettos being sexy, so I chose them."
"But I also said I didn't think you should wear them when I was not around to fend off the hormone driven rabble you will certainly attack if you wear them. Especially if you wear dark hose. You'll look irresistible then."
"Oh thank you Evan, I was just about to ask if I should wear dark or suntan."
"Rei, this is pretty odd! You actually took all of my suggestions, but haven't even told me where you are going tonight!"
"Yes dear, that's true. I took your suggestions because you are undoubtedly the most experienced person in the world at becoming aroused by what I wear, so I listened to you. Believe me, I fought the urge to choose the blue dress because I love the feel of its slinky fabric. But you said LBD, so LBD it is. You are right, pearls, and stilettos are no brainers."
"Why not the pumps or flats? Your feet will be awful tomorrow when I finally get a chance to take my wife out on the town."
"My feet will be fine, I won't be walking much. As a matter of fact, much of the night I plan to be flat on my back."
Did I mention how much I love my wife? Did you get the same implication from what she said as I did? To say a red flag is waving is an understatement. This may take a little more discussion, but Reina, my Rei, my life long love, my history, my BFF, may have just nuked my world. I felt a need for some sort of barrier before I went on. As I understand, fallout can be as hazardous as the initial explosion.
"I'm not sure I understand," I choked back tears as I picked up the morning paper and raised it between us, even though she wasn't in the room.
"Well darling, it's like this. I have one more wishy washy question to ask, and I beg you not to vary from the two responses I offer as your choice. Would you mind if I spent the entire weekend with Sheldon Bock, or shall I come home really late Saturday night?"
I loved my wife. Have you noticed I just shifted tense on the verb "love?" Throughout this little narrative, I have clearly declared that I love my wife in the present tense. Be my guest, check back. I'll wait for you. See? It's true. Now I've said that I loved my wife. Because the pit in my gut, where I feel like I just took a heavyweight champion's strongest right means there is no room left to love this woman. I'm stunned. What do I do!? Don't put the paper down. Don't. Look. At. Her. Don't even look close to her. Keep cool, you have to answer. Calmly Evan, calmly.
"Stay all weekend."
Well done, buddy. Oh no, don't hold that breath. Exhale. Inhale. Repeat. Humans need air, especially when they're stressed.
Quiet.
She's thinking. She must have expected an outburst, or an objection. Damn this hurts so much. I am so fucking glad for this newspaper. Shit! It's upside down. She can't notice that! It would be worse than...
"Yes Rei, stay as long as you like."
I can't remember her being this quiet for this long.
"Are...are you sure? Really darling? Because I..."
"No, stay."
I deserve a fucking Oscar for this performance. No cracks in my voice, no indecision. No clue what the fuck I'm going to do next...calm. Stay calm. Breeeeeeaaaaaathe.
"Stay as long as you like. As a matter of fact, no need to return at all. Just stay. Stay...period."
"Listen darling, it isn't everything it seems. I love you terribly, but you've been my only love since sixth grade, and with the children gone I'm afraid I've had a lot of time on my hands to think of what I might have missed."
I wasn't about to let her continue this diatribe. I think I'll put her off balance.
"When did you decide I was inadequate as a lover?"
"Oh Darling, don't think that! It isn't anything about you..."
"Am I lacking in endurance? Am I boring in bed? Shall we spice things up with whips and chains? Or by swinging from the chandelier in the dining room while copulating in mid air? Is it something about my size? Do I smell offensive in bed?"
"No Evan, none of that is true, especially when you consider I've nothing to compare it too. That may be part of the problem. I could date a bit, and might even find out the grass is greenest in my own yard..."
"I see. Wait for me Evan, while I got out and see how you stack up with other guys. Now how might I compare to some young stud like Sheldon! I'm over fifty, worn down from a life time of working to support the large family you always wanted. Six kids! So I might have a hard time thinking my stories are going to stack up to a guy who spends his earnings on skiing and sports cars while I am spending mine on tuition for our babies. Yes, definitely go for the entire weekend. We can't have you wasting your time with another night at home with a boring old husband!"
I was quite proud of my control. I could hear from her breathing and the shake in her voice that I was getting to her.
"Darling, try to understand..."
"No, I won't. What else might it be that makes me so inadequate you'd run to the arms of another man? Don't I make enough? Am I inattentive? Do I do my share around the house? Don't spoil you enough? Don't I pamper you? Respect you? Tell me Reina! How did I go wrong?"
"Darling..."
